It Will Find You

 Last month had that one week of the year where I keep losing people.  The anniversary of Frankie, and numerous others.

And while I was doing my rewatch of Buffy, I got to the musical episode.  Something I had been looking forward to from the moment I decided to do the rewatch.  It didn't quite work as intended though.  What started off as me singing along loudly, quickly turned into a thought spiral.  

Last year, Felix passed away.  Right in the beginning of the pandemic, when it was one thing and another, without the time to process any of it.  And as much as I made some comments about him when it would come up in conversation, I never really took the time to sit with losing him.  Suddenly, I was singing along to something he and I shared together.  We would randomly full songs together, had plans to do with that episode, and felt true joy when singing together.  And in a moment, I went to gleeful, to confronting the fact that I would never sing any of it with him again.  That all the joy I'd felt with him would only ever be a memory.

Felix wanted nothing more than to have a romantic relationship with me, and as much as we tried, it wasn't going to work.  It took me losing him to realize that there was a very valid love, but a platonic one, and had we talked about that, and tried to work within that space, it may have created something healthier for both of us.

It's had me thinking about a lot of the friendships and partnerships I have, and have had in the last month.  That I need to embrace the cultivation of platonic love.  That I need to be willing to play with a more nebulous idea of relationships than even what I do now, in order to find the most out of the people in my life, for however long I can have with them.