Recently, there was a night where Puppy couldn't get to sleep, and it wasn't yet my normal bed time, so we were chatting. We were talking about a handful of things from when we were young, and I was explaining about how it has affected how I view people in my life now, because of the poor examples and situations I had growing up.
As a response, rather than saying he's grateful that I've learned to put so much care into people who are decent to me now, or that I've figured out how to navigate things in a healthier way than I'd been taught by my family, he made a comment that had me go off on him a little. He just said that he was hoping that while he and I have a friendship, he manages to put more of his optimism into my life, because he thinks I deserve. And he's often commented about how I should just find something to be happy about because he doesn't like me being upset, on several occasions before this.
Which put me solidly in the camp that I can't actually use him as any form of support network. He has actively turned my dealing with things in my life, or being affected by anything into his problem, but just wants to provide distraction rather than solution or encouragement. He wants me to just be happy, because that's easier for him.
And while I didn't lash out, I gave him some firm words. I told him that I've had times where I literally couldn't feel things. That I've tried just staying happy all the time, because I didn't have any sort knowledge of how else things could be. Times when I tried to claim emotions were good or bad and all manner horrible behaviors.
I told him flat out that I'm far more optimistic than I used to be. My optimism is what gives me hope. It's what drives me to try more creative pursuits. It's what makes me so secure in all my relationships with people who are far away. My optimism is literally what has kept me alive after everything I've been through, because things have to fucking get better.
But I'll be damned if I won't embrace every bit of shit and pain that goes along with it. I will process in the gritty and hard ways, so I can learn from them. I will deep dive, and over think, and explore, so that I can be better. I told him specifically that I believe growth is born from discomfort, and I am now glad that I get to experience such a wealthy myriad of emotions. I made it very clear that I will not stifle that for the comfort of anyone, including myself.
And today, I am glad that while I let myself feel, I also trust how logical I am and how careful I can be.
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