Not Worth It

 February really was full of a lot of hard talks with Rabbit, where we both wound up in a processing space to understand everything that the other had been through.  It left us feeling closer, but drained, and wishing just for some boring time together.

One of those times was my sharing how I found out about the gnome cheating on me, the lies inside of that, and the horrible things pertaining to it that just got worse the longer you looked at it.  We went into some of the abuse he put me through, how it's affected me in the long run, and how I deal with it now.

And his first response while on the phone, was asking if he was allowed to cause him harm.  Saying that he didn't know how I wasn't expecting him to go murder him.

So I told him, that while none of what he did was ok, and none of it is something anyone should deal with, I've used it as something to learn from rather than letting myself be a victim.  It's taught me in a way how to be a better person for him, and help us build a stronger relationship.

I also explained that while I will never be ok with him, he isn't worth the energy to wish him ill, or actively hate him.  Much like how I will never forgive, or be ok with the things Rabbit's ex has done to him, and if given the opportunity I would show her every bit of how I feel with the aid of a sawzall, I know it's best to let her fade away into nothing, and not use the energy on wanting that, which could go into simply making him happy now.

When it comes down to it, there is benefit in sharing the stories of our abuse.  It gives us a glimpse into what might trigger us, or what might be potentially damaging.  However, it's best to use those things to make us better in the present, rather than fixate on the past, and things that have already been done.

Our jobs now are to build a life so good that we don't ever consider that pain ever again.