A New Devious Chapter

 Thanksgiving may have been last week, but that doesn't mean it isn't time to show appreciation.   This year especially, I have a mix of things to be grateful for.  While I want to talk about the year as a whole soon, I can certainly be thankful now. I am thankful for drive, motivation, and inspiration.  Having a partner with ADHD means that I've seen what finite energy looks like, as well as the freezing, or inability to self start.  I've learned that not only do I manage to gather ideas as the people with ADHD can, but I have the drive to start them and stick to it.  I also manage to keep up with more than most people can due to my time management. And while mentioning ADHD, I'm grateful for my desire to learn, more than most years.  By knowing that Rabbit is diagnosed, I have something to learn about, and where I would normally be frustrated, I understand where our minds work differently, and likewise can try to find ways to help him function, ...

I got home from my week with Rabbit, with only just over a week to go before Thanksgiving.  By the end of the week we had mostly settled after the situation early on, but with so much that had to happen during the week, we still wanted time, and had some lingering anxiousness. Before starting the drive, we talked about it, and he was sharing that he was feeling guilty about things turning out the way I had thought they might.  I told him that we had adjusted during the week, and we made sure we got time together every day.  Then we asked if we each felt we had gotten what we wanted to out of the week.  While we wished we had the chance to go do something together, we were grateful for the time, and he was feeling productive, and like he was moving towards better and healthier habits. Overall, we were finding enough positive in the week, and agreed that what we needed was a day where we just spend time for us soon.  Much like the weekend we took for our anniversa...

 I spent the week after Halloween at Rabbit's, after many speedbumps and difficult brain spaces in the time beforehand.  We got there, and had some things set up, but with his back still acting up, we didn't get to make the plans for the week that we had wanted.  What I needed was decompression, and I didn't know how I was going to get that. What had stacked onto things, was that on top of our sleep schedules still being very different, a new game had come out that was basically a remake of something Rabbit played a lot.  It was something that needed a lot of time, and consistent time in that was keeping him strapped to a computer most of the day.  So a few days into the visit, he went to show me something, and commented that I didn't want to hear about it.   Something I should point out, was that of the majority of the time that the gnome was living with me after Squishy was born, he was unemployed.  Rather than taking care of the child he forced...

 In many ways, I've gotten better over the last year while in a healthy relationship.  Rabbit and I have given each other a space to be our ugliest selves without judgement, and without any risk of the other person running away.  It's allowed us to confront parts of ourselves that we didn't realize were aspects of trauma, so that we can grow and have a chance to truly heal. And in many ways, it's been beneficial.  It drives me to be better for him, better for me, and better for us, while allowing me to reflect and see how much change has occurred since our relationship began.  I find that I don't have anywhere near the anxiety about speaking up that I did, nor the fear of conflict or having needs in general that I used to have.  I'm able to just be happy in a relationship, and look forward to the future, while also enjoying the present. What it unfortunately also does though, is make everything that isn't being tended to feel raw.  No longer shoved awa...

For wanting October to be calm, there was so much to juggle and adjust for, and we've managed to find the silver linings in all of it, or make the best of what we could.  In many ways, we're recovering slowly, but things are tough, and I'm put in a lot of situations that are forcing my hand in ways that I don't want to so soon. A brighter part is that I may stop posting here as much.  I still want to try and write up a post a week in order to help me process my own thoughts and stay organized, but I've decided to pick up a monthly vlog, and so I may not need to write here as a trade off.  It's appearing to be more difficult to try and get the video clips than anything, but I'm sure that will get easier with time. I'm trying to get more ahead with things like writing, drawing, and making videos to help with the busy holidays coming.  With my house still having zero intention of doing the cookiepocalypse again, I'm sad, but it is giving me extra time t...