Stacking Triggers

 I spent the week after Halloween at Rabbit's, after many speedbumps and difficult brain spaces in the time beforehand.  We got there, and had some things set up, but with his back still acting up, we didn't get to make the plans for the week that we had wanted.  What I needed was decompression, and I didn't know how I was going to get that.

What had stacked onto things, was that on top of our sleep schedules still being very different, a new game had come out that was basically a remake of something Rabbit played a lot.  It was something that needed a lot of time, and consistent time in that was keeping him strapped to a computer most of the day.  So a few days into the visit, he went to show me something, and commented that I didn't want to hear about it.  

Something I should point out, was that of the majority of the time that the gnome was living with me after Squishy was born, he was unemployed.  Rather than taking care of the child he forced me to have, or being any support, or even busting ass to find another job, he would spend months at a time glued to video games, from the moment he woke up until he went to bed.  All the while trying to make me feel horrible every chance he could, as I did everything for him and Squishy.

So I told him that while I did want to hear about the game, I was concerned about the amount of time it was eating up.  He tried getting defensive at first, and started to react, saying that it was something his ex complained about too.  I tried to tell him that I didn't want him to stop playing, but I was concerned with the time requirement of the game.  He told me that he was doing all the work to prepare for friends who wanted to play it with him.  I pointed out that while I want him to have the social connection with people, it often feels like he cycles through a handful of games, getting friends excited, and he makes plans while doing work and clocking in numbers to prepare, and they play once and that's it.  Then he moves onto the next game again.

He agreed, and then he started to calm down.  It was a tough morning overall, and we were both a little on edge for most of the afternoon, just wanting the comfort of knowing we were both ok.  Even after it settled, and we had both felt heard and understood, we both wanted to be there to reconnect and feel safe together.

Many things will talk about a stage in relationships where you feel triggered, and that being where most couples fail.  We're definitely there, and it's tough, but we still focus on navigating things from a place of care, and wanting to make sure that we tackle problems, rather than attack each other.  That alone is so much more than we could ever hope for, and something that is worth every conflict.  Even when triggered, we want to make sure we both feel loved.  That's beyond the ideal.