Fighting for Yourself

 In many ways, I've gotten better over the last year while in a healthy relationship.  Rabbit and I have given each other a space to be our ugliest selves without judgement, and without any risk of the other person running away.  It's allowed us to confront parts of ourselves that we didn't realize were aspects of trauma, so that we can grow and have a chance to truly heal.

And in many ways, it's been beneficial.  It drives me to be better for him, better for me, and better for us, while allowing me to reflect and see how much change has occurred since our relationship began.  I find that I don't have anywhere near the anxiety about speaking up that I did, nor the fear of conflict or having needs in general that I used to have.  I'm able to just be happy in a relationship, and look forward to the future, while also enjoying the present.

What it unfortunately also does though, is make everything that isn't being tended to feel raw.  No longer shoved away and being ignored for survival mode, I often feel overwhelmed by actually processing how I feel and situations, rather than simply doing triage or learning to be happy with whatever I'm handed, because I didn't feel like I deserved better.

And right now, there's a lot going on in my mind and my world.  I'm feeling overrun with thing to do, and what to manage, and unable to really share the load, or make progress.  I've been trying to figure out how to do more, and get things rolling so that I can succeed and not feel so much on top of me.  I'm feeling like a failure in many ways, like it's all my fault, and like I'll never be the person everyone thinks I am.  I feel like things are constantly stacked against me, and whenever I manage to get even the slightest bit of hope or a plan, something comes along and absolutely destroys it.

I know these are things that will get better, and I am putting in too much work on all of it to not succeed, and that all of these thoughts are the product of what I've been through, but I still haven't managed to shake a lot of what's been pushed on me throughout my life, and it's definitely all kicking up.  It's a mental struggle every day, but definitely moreso in the recent weeks, and has become an active fight to not fall victim to my own thoughts.

Above all else, I need to remember to fight for me.  The fights I've already gone through, and how strong I've gotten just from them.