A New Devious Chapter

The holidays are never really a happy joyous time for me.  They often just act as a reminder of how unbalanced things are with my parents, and a cultivator of stress. This year is acting as no exception. My mother decided that me making gifts is cheaper than buying them so for three weeks I did nothing but crochet, when I had my own things to work on.  My hands got to the point where they ached, but my constantly throwing finished products at my mother had her more or less off my back.  My father however thinks that I just look at yarn and it magically transforms though, so he's constantly trying to get me to do things that would honestly just create more work than help. I've taken over most of the holiday preparations as a whole.  I'm currently in the midst of the cookiepocalypse, and losing even more time to work on my own things. Really lately I find that I'm so busy working on things for my family while being dragged down by them, that I'm losing myself

I've mentioned previously that Lux and I had started accepting the accidental dynamic that fell into place between us.  It's only been a step at a time, and carefully at that, knowing that he is still off kilter from his last relationship, and all the shit I dealt with while with Thrax.  We've had no real problems thus far, making sure to take care of each other along the way, and maintaining a good balance. In person, it's smooth.  Like a well oiled machine, it just works.  Lux is often the one to feel off at points, and with plenty of snuggles and reassurance, we're both back to a happy exchange. When we're apart (which has been more often than not lately) we text through the day, and occasionally, the exchange becomes more apparent between us.  He refers to me as his slave (and that possessiveness honestly makes me just want to snuggle in with him and squee) and I call him master in response, because he does make me feel all safe and content.  I feel at p

As it is Thanksgiving, I thought today should be spent doing the obligatory post of everything the I am thankful for. Positivity: I have far more positive influence in my life than I think I ever have.  I have this mix of people who have been around forever, people who have only grown close in the last couple years, and people who are newer to my life that encourage me and show such affection and love. Dance: I am grateful for the ability to dance, and the fantastic experience it brings.  Being able to teach and spread what is essentially a language of movements, as well as being able to shake my ass around while cleaning, or spending time on stage, it has helped me build more body confidence, and be healthy. Beast: The little beast teaches me so much, and truly is a little ball of squishy love.  She's at the age now where we actually discuss philosophy, and it's done with a clean slate of someone who hasn't been influenced by random things they hear.  She gives me th

Lately I've been thinking over different ways I could be happy.  Things I enjoy, and how I feel most content. I remember hanging out with Zero, when I was only about fourteen, and telling him that I don't really want someone to do everything for me, and I would much rather take care of someone else. Well, you know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I enjoy doing for people, which I explained in very early in this blog.  I show affection and care through service, and enjoy doing all the little things for people, to take a bit of weight off their shoulders, and so that they know they don't need to do for me. This carries over to power exchange for me I find.  On either side, I look into ways to take care of those I share a dynamic with.  Which is difficult to explain when I have a dominant role, or at least less common, but gives me a comfy spot into some form of domestic servitude. I enjoy taking care of a home.  I enjoy feeding people, and creat

With the holidays coming up, things have been hectic at home.  So, a more vanilla update of things going on. I've basically taken over the majority of the work for the holidays.  I'm planning the large meals, and organizing shopping lists and making sure we have everything.  I've made my plan for the cookiepocalypse, and have been put in charge of all the baking, because about half the recipes are now my own which no one else knows.  My mother realized how quickly I can crochet, and so I'm making gifts for everyone. Then top off with everything I wanted to make for people otherwise, writing here, cleaning, and still teaching dance, I'm a bit busy lately. This is also paired up with long (for me) dry spells from sex, which has me feeling frazzled and cranky.  I notice it kicking in, and try to fight it, but it creeps into my mood regardless. I feel myself falling away from social media lately.  When I log on, I notice it's all just negativity and mindless

I spent last weekend up with Lux. We hadn't seen each other in three weeks, had no plans to go anywhere, and just wanted time to relax and reset with each other. I was supposed to be able to spend an extra couple of days there, but due to the gnome, I wouldn't have those days without the squish.  So just a normal length weekend for us then. On Friday, I rode up north with the squish, and then met with Lux for the second leg of the trip.  We wound up not being able to grab proper food on the ride, so a quick snack, and once we were done, we were molesting each other in the car, unable to wait until we got back to the apartment. When we did finally get back, we began the near constant fucking, and mission to break in all the areas of the apartment that we didn't get to last time.  Which included a giggly failed attempt at fucking in his super tiny shower.  During the small windows of time we weren't having sex, we were often snuggled up close on the couch, enjoying

Today. It's been ten years today, and it hurts like it just happened even still. A full decade since one of the closest people I've ever had in my life killed himself.  The anniversary of his death is still a bad day for me every year, and I'll likely sleep with the doll he made me again, just like I do every year to have some part of him near me. He was actually my sister's friend first, but as he was around longer, he shifted to being more my friend than hers.  He wasn't just getting stoned with me like he would with her, but going on adventures, and discussing abstract topics and literature.  We barely hugged, but the way we simply acted like we'd never be apart spoke of our care for each other. Across the street from him were some mutual friends we would hang out with most days.  He pretty much lived there rather than with his dad, and we all did pretty much everything together. On the weekends we would play lasertag and sing karaoke.  Yes.  In the