Thursday, December 14, 2017

Be Crazy

This last week has been a whirlwind for people in my life, and it has me worrying about so many.

Zero discovered that the girl I expressed to him my dislike was manipulating him, taking his money, and using him to feed her drug addiction.

Kitty is stretched beyond his spoons, making excuses, and feeling battered in his own home.

I have friends being attacked on all sides, in life changing ways, over what was likely some dumb mistakes being taken far out of proportion.

Lux is still dealing with family insanity.

And all I want to do is have physical presence for all of them.  Be with them, hold a calm environment, and help however I can.  Talk things out to death, reassure them, provide comfort and support, and remind them all that sometimes they're dumb boys with good intentions that simply want to see the best in people. 

They're good boys, but there's too much crazy elsewhere in the world for them to keep their intentions sometimes.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

No Currency

Kitty and I have a very long-standing relationship, even if it's taken many forms throughout the years.  Changing needs, and spoons, and lives and events which have made us become who we are, both separately and together.

And, unfortunately, it's caused me to become even more of his voice of reason and calm than I have been for a long time.  Constantly reminding him that he needs to worry about and take care of him.  What's more though, reminding him that he can express things to me, always, and will never be without my care and presence.  

He's been rather poor at keeping present lately.  Just not enough time and energy to put toward anything.  It sucks, I'll fully admit, but it happens.  He's aware of it though, and does want that to change.  What's worse though, is that because of this, he doesn't think he deserves any sort of presence during this time.  That he's only kept around because his lack of presence makes them feel like a better partner.

Y'know, sometimes my type being cute boys with brain bugs is much less fun.

I constantly remind him that the balance in a dynamic is not a constant thing, but over time.  That we don't need to earn presence in a constant exchange of relationship currency, but simply that if things are equal and taken care of over a span of time, that everything is still healthy.  Also that anyone who kept him around just to feel like they have something over him due to a lack of presence isn't the kind of person I want him around.  And, rather obviously, that I definitely do not keep him in the place in my life that he has just to know I'm more present than him.

And, I hope that even for a short time, these reminders give him peace.  I know that these will be something I need to tell him rather consistently, because I already have.

Someday he'll learn.

Thursday, December 07, 2017

A Win?

Years ago, I was talking to Squishy about friends of mine, and how they married, and both female.  She questioned it for a second, and when I simply said that people can marry whoever they choose to, and for whatever reason, she accepted it without any question.

I remember her friends coming over, and not believing her when she would say it.  Saying that it couldn't possibly be true, while my daughter just simply agreed that people should be able to love and marry whoever they choose.

Sure, it's a good thing, and speaks volumes for how we often hold the beliefs we are told to have early in life, but that isn't what this is about.

This is about something a lot funnier.

I'm talking with Squishy the other day, and mentioned a friend of mine, and then that turned into her asking if I had a boyfriend, and then asking if I had a secret boyfriend, and then asking if I had a girlfriend.

And upon that, instead of the "No" I gave the other two, I said "Nah, I don't like girls."

The look of confusion I got was fantastic.

To which I had to explain heterosexuality.

My daughter simply expected all people to be attracted to anyone, because I'd told her that it was normal.

She hadn't even considered the idea that someone might only be attracted to one sex or gender.  And then I had to explain that.  Which was actually much harder than explaining bisexuality or other orientations.

Times like this make me feel like I'm raising her right.

Sunday, December 03, 2017

Long Needed

Lux just left from a visit.  The first time he's been here since the clusterfuck that happened a couple months ago.  While it wasn't the weekend we had planned, due to timetables changing, it was still good time for us.

Rather than focus on a lot of the goings on, we just kept it to time together, talking about the future, and things we want to do, and normal conversation.  Definitely something that felt more like recharging and simply enjoying, rather than needing to go through the process of catching up or obligation.  Lots of affection and appreciation and just being thankful for the other.

He also liked the present I made him, which was super nerdy and only he and his super nerdy friends will get.

The next while is going to be really difficult to find time to actually be with each other, and while that does suck a lot, and I already miss him, we'll manage through this like everything else.

For now, we just enjoy what we have.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

A Strange Lull

Something crazy has happened. 

Something unheard of for this time of year.

For a couple of days, I'm caught up on everything.  As in, there's no holiday prep to do right now, no schlepping to manage, and no gifts to make.  I started early, and so I'm caught up on just about all of it.

It's a strange feeling to be sure, and almost makes me more anxious that I don't have a thousand things to do at every moment.

It also makes me crave time with people even more though.  Not knowing when I'll see them again, and now having space when I'm not running, and could be getting in quality time recharging with them.  It makes me feel like a big awkward jumble, and almost impatient to get moving again just so I don't have to miss them so much.

This time of year is such a strange thing for my mind.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Not About Needs

I read a lot of things about poly, and hear a lot of arguments for it that give the reasoning of one person not being able to be everything a person needs.  That they need another person to fill in the gaps, and this should just be considered normal.

Except, I feel like that cultivates a negative space.  It means telling someone they aren't enough every day.  It encourages a competitive environment in hopes that you'll become the more tended to partner by being more appealing than the other.  It creates a space where we look at things as needs, which may just be surface desires.  And it makes us look at people more as a checklist than as people.

I have the same needs for every partner I have, regardless of their space in my life.  Those needs are things like presence, acceptance of who I am, respect, and conversation.  They are all pretty basic, and that's because I need that to be fulfilled more than most other things. 

There's never a gap to fill, and I think that's a far more secure dynamic for everyone.  One partner doesn't exist in order to make up for the other.  They both exist because they both make me happy in their own way, regardless of the other.

And there are plenty of things they're both into that I don't enjoy, just like there are things I like that neither of them do.  I don't feel a need to hunt these things down though, because I get to enjoy so much with them.

Needs are so often a bullshit argument.  A scraping tantrum of wanting more.  Perhaps it's me finding so much value in simple things after dealing with so much though, that I'm just happy with less.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Obligatory!

I will now take advantage of the fact that my posting schedule means I will always have something appear on Thanksgiving.

This year, I'm particularly grateful for only a couple things in my life, but they're pretty big ones.

I'm thankful for having people who stay around.  The vast majority of the people in my life have been there for a long time, even if they aren't constantly present.  They're people who know who I am, and what that entails.  Knowing they've been around a long time and still haven't disappeared gives me feelings of support, and that's the best ever.

I'm also thankful for my sense of inspiration and desire for growth and progress.  I've seen myself be able to do a lot of things I couldn't, or wouldn't even touch a year ago.  I see myself becoming more comfortable and content with some things, all in positive ways.

While this year was hard on my mental state, and there wasn't much good overall, I'm finding myself continue to grow and evolve, and that's the best I can ask for.

(Also I'm thankful that Thanksgiving lines up with poke a sadist day!)

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Changing Needs

It has to be something with the seasons, but I've noticed that especially with so many people becoming busy with the holidays, I'm craving presence. 

Rather than wanting to simply be out among groups and wanting to be social, I feel like I need to be with the people I care about most, and have more time together to take care of them, or snuggle up.  I'm not even craving force in play, but rather the affirmation of power exchange and affection.

I think that part of this is also just the long time I've had apart from so many of the people I can actually be affectionate with.  The ones I can just relax around, and feel inspired and relaxed and like I can recharge however I need.

Hopefully with the holidays I'll be able to spend more time with them soon.

In the meantime, I'll find self-affirmation in the things I'm learning over the next few weeks.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Headless Chicken

We've officially moved into the mass of holiday prep.  The other day I was going through my project lists, and massively time consuming things that need to happen in the next few weeks.  And, it's the time of year when I barely have time to breathe.

Well, I was working on a bunch of things that I had needed to get more done with, but now that gets put aside again.  Not because of my mental space though, but because I have so many things to do on a deadline that it has to move to the backburner.  That alone makes me feel a little better about it.

This year is really pushing me in a few ways.  I'm trying a completely new medium, which is going pretty well.  I'm also attempting some new techniques with other mediums, and just making up patterns as I go along.  It's the sort of year where I'm really feeling like I'm rather adept with things.  It's also fun to actually make things up just from a flat picture rather than follow a pattern.

It's also the cookiepocalypse, which is just time consuming overall, though I don't think I'll be rolling shaped cookies at all this year, and just making boring round bits.  The hundreds of cookies I'm making though are reason enough to do that.

There's also the yearly purge of Squishy's things, both toys and clothes, to make space for things that are more appropriate for her as she grows.

It's going to be a busy time between Thanksgiving and Channukah, but I'm used to this.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Steady

Almost as though it's being shoved in my face to show my own progress, I've seen so many cases of people being insecure lately, and noticing how normal that is.

A few cases were the after effects of abuse causing people to be overly paranoid, or constantly placing blame on themselves.  Some were simply being afraid of voicing their own needs, or feeling like they were wrong for having them.  Even more were being told they felt they had to ignore their own limits, and learn to do things they didn't enjoy to get the attention that other partners did.  And occasionally to the point of being shamed for not simply blindly obeying alongside other parts of a dynamic.

I look at these, and first I feel badly for those people for being in those situations and mindsets.  Then, I realize how much more secure I am in being me, and knowing that I am justified in what I need.  

There was too much of my life where I wasn't secure, and it was because of the shitty treatment of others.  In that, I learned how little that served me, and that I need to find myself as valid in order for other people to do so.

I am now very vocal when my needs aren't met, and have found that they are very simple in return.  Having simple things not met are absolutely a reason to speak up, and if they can't be respected, then they don't deserve that care from me.  

I've also learned that I am not in competition or to be compared to anyone, which has become something that I actually find amusement from more often than not.  Many of my partners in the past have had very particular types, and that didn't fit me at all.  Then I come along, and completely break that type, with no worries of trying to fit into it, or that I'll fall aside for that.  

I am valid, and I an unabashedly me.  Anyone with a problem with that doesn't deserve to have me around, and that doesn't make me wrong, it makes me a stronger person.

Thursday, November 09, 2017

Learning Balance

I had a friend over last weekend, who is going through a breakup, and realizing her needs and such in the process. 

It's insane, to see so much of my past in another relationship, and that imbalance and disregard of needs.

Over the last couple years, I've had so much concern for my partners.  For their lives, and safety, and taking care of them how I can.  I've also had to keep track of my own bandwidth of being able to balance them both.  Something frequently in my thoughts, and that I take great care with.

And the number of people I see that don't do that astounds me.  The people who simply throw attention where they want.  And how people make excuses for that, and encourage that behavior, will never solve the problem.

I've realized a lot of things about myself over the last weekend, and how far I've come.  I've also realized how far from the norm I am, and that I am not the kind of person most would be able to deal with in any sort of dynamic.

The best part is that I'm pretty proud that.

Sunday, November 05, 2017

Picking Back Up

I finished a massive project about a week ago.

Like, lace tablecloth size project.

And I feel like it helped kick me in the ass to want to work on more things.

I have a few things I want to get to, but I also have projects that got put down earlier in the year.  Things I had a lot of drive for before I wound up in such a shitty rut for a good while.

And while I may have first said I would pick them back up in the beginning of the year, now that I'm through a small pile of projects, I feel like I should just do it now.  Tackle what I can and see what I can get through.

I need to cultivate more creativity in my life.  I need to create more in order to feel more inspired, and that will make me feel better and more motivated overall.

Thursday, November 02, 2017

Recharging

I've managed that even though lots of things are going on, to keep social lately, and it's helping me. 

Last weekend I spent some time with a friend who I hadn't seen in about a year, and I have plans for this coming weekend as well.

It was nice to see a friend though, even if it seemed very confusing on more than one occasion.

When I saw him last year, he was just barely fresh into a new relationship.  And a full shift in lifestyle with this person.  For his entire life, he'd had open, and kink positive relationships.  He's spent a year though in a monogamous, vanilla relationship, with someone who is incredibly sexually insecure, passive, and limiting.

He goes from one breath saying that she's "the one" and going to be his forever, and then in the next breath saying he can't stand his sex life, and that it's taking a toll on his everyday life beyond where he can deal with.

Why is it that so many people share this to me, and I have to be the one to tell people that sexual compatibility is mandatory in a relationship, and not something that should feel one sided, or have very different ends of the spectrum.

I made sure to tell him that he needs to keep conversation casual about it, but it needs to be addressed.  That she may need to simply grow comfortable with the vast bundle of options and see if they are actually compatible on this front, and if not, he needs to scale his priority on this. 

Unfortunately, she also has a personality type that is very draining for me.  Rather than being someone down to earth, he tends to like the type of women who turn everything into a dick measuring contest, and wound up yelling at random people in the street, or completely ignoring and dismissing things I said to try and feel like she was the better person there.

And it's funny sometimes, because he's said a few times that he's attracted to the fact that I have no problem taking charge or showing confidence, and he has a big crush on Lux, but yet seems to always wind up in relationships with these insecure women who just throw on a conceited front, rather than an actual relaxed and secure confidence.

I think he's gonna need some general reminders of the difference, and maybe he'll do better with balancing his priorities in the process.  And hey, social time is recharging for me too, so it'll help everyone.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Putting Them in the Corner

The other day I was puttering about twitter, and hopped on a hashtag to say that people should be treated with respect.  I said this because far too many times the day before, I felt like I wasn't treated with basic human decency, even though I know I deserve it.

Well, someone who apparently thought they could get a feeling of superiority from me tried to tell me that people in general are not deserving of respect.

Mind you, other people in this tag posted about things like having a right to kisses and shit.  He wanted to go on a power trip.

He picked the wrong person.

Continually, he tried to put words in my mouth, hoping I'd get angry and make a mistake.  At one point even said that the fear of jail is what keeps him from violating consent, or simply that he was "raised by women" not simply that he believes violating consent is wrong, y'know, because he respects people.  Only because it's a crime.

Oh yea, this guy had no idea what he was getting into.

He started trying to dismiss me and create a superiority over me by calling me a "wacko" for thinking people deserve respect.  I told him that his idea excused abusive behaviors, and that consent goes into far more than assault.  I had a calm response to everything he tried to say, cutting off any argument he had before he could do anything but scrape for the same tantrums. 

He told me people had to earn respect, but wouldn't get any until then.  Because I totally want to work at whatever someone thinks is worthy of respect if they're going to treat me like shit until then.

I finally put him in a corner he couldn't get out of by saying that with his logic, someone could walk up and be abusive toward him, and it would be perfectly fine, because he hadn't earned any respect.  Either he agreed, and thereby excused abusive behavior, or said no, and then had to admit that people deserve respect.

Everyone.  Every.  Single.  Person.  Is deserving of respect unless they prove otherwise.  Sure, people can earn more respect and trust over time, but everyone should be given basic human decency at first.

And he, is a good example of what proving respect shouldn't be given to looks like.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Doki Doki

I found out about a new game recently, a horror game under the guise of a dating simulator. 

When you first boot it up, you get about a dozen warnings not to play if you are easily disturbed or have depression.  Right up my alley for things I enjoy.

Well, given that there are far different paths to take, I figured I would watch what a "normal" run looks like, then go through and do the more complete path.

At one point, one of the girls confesses that she has always had depression, and that she likes reading things about various emotions because it's the closest she can get to feeling things.  That if she's not feeling nothing, she's feeling pain.  She explains in deep detail how this all affects her, and her reactions to having to admit this to someone.

And I scroll down, and see comments.

They all agree with that feeling.  They agree with how that absence of feeling no matter what they do is far too fitting to their own experience.

I've been talking to some friends a lot of how toxic and abusive my parents are.  How I often think I'm just depressed.

But that made some things clear.

I don't have the depression they talk about.  This isn't a case of mental illness.  I can still feel a spectrum of emotion, and more vibrantly the further I am from them.  I'm capable of feeling happy and loved and appreciated, but also aware of that stark difference when I'm being treated like shit.

I suppose that's one of the biggest parts of the abusive trap.  When you get so used to feeling shitty, and not seeing the outside things, you start to just think it's your own brain, even when you know it's them.

But it's not my brain.  I'm not who they say I am, and I'm not what they try to force me to be.  And I am reminded, yet again, of how strong I am for remembering to see me and know that I'm still here despite them.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

With Time

While Lux and I were talking, we also started in on jealousy.

What causes it to perk up, or how long it's been since either of us have either felt it, or let ourselves feel it.

I've learned that jealousy isn't really something I feel, but the closest would simply be imbalance of treatment/respect, or things that cause massive changes to the normal.  Obviously new partners or friends or sometimes just life will cause some change, but if I'm completely thrown to the backburner, I will have a problem and speak up.

Lux has a few things that I know tend to cause jealousy, and I'm aware of, and avoid those.  In fact, he's seen first hand at this point that I'm not only keeping these things quiet, but they flat out aren't going to even be an option.

We've talked about how he doesn't know if that would be a thing at this point because it's been years.

I mentioned that it would depend on who it was.  If he got a new partner, he'd be far more prone to feelings of jealousy than me with how long I've been around.  That it would take long term massive change in treatment for him to really feel something, and by that point, he'd probably have spoken up and we'd fix it.

It's interesting how feeling secure with a partner can make some things be so much less prevalent in your mind, and how so many different things can change us and cause us to grow.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Checking Back

The other day Lux and I were having a pretty long conversation about a lot of things.  And while it definitely rolled through a few subjects, we discussed a lot of what piques different parts of our brains, and the like.

Of course, it started by me needing to remind him that I do actually respond to discipline, so long as whatever is happening is being said that it's discipline, and there then is a presence of positive reinforcement for good things as well.  I think Lux often forgets this just because we keep things pretty neutral, and most of the time when he does something that would be seen as punishment to other dynamics, I find it fun and encouraging because I'm not being told it should be otherwise.

We also talked about how a lot of the time, I tell him he's in charge because so much of our dynamic is based on very simple respect, and not a lot of active power exchange.  About how he enjoys exerting some amount of territorial possessiveness on occasion, and how he always has the option to do so more often.

It wasn't a bad conversation, to be sure.  I feel like with so many things either relaxing finally, or working toward adjustment and change, this may be something too that can become more present again.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Pieces

The other day, I mentioned to Kitty that the morning was weird, simply because things were happening a bit differently than they normally would.  He was instantly worried, and started to take my reassurances as trying to brush things off.  It took a while for him to realize that I truly did mean that nothing bad was happening.

He said that it was him simply being paranoid.  That he was broken, and it was just the way he is.

Well, I jumped on that without hesitation.  I rather forcefully told him that he is not broken.  Maybe a little weird.  And certainly not pristine, but not broken simply for who he is.  Not only that, but having genuine worry and concern for a loved one should never be something that counts as being broken.  Eventually, he said that while he may not believe that all the time, he did then.

At the same time, I look at Lux, who is somehow managing more and more crisis in his life, and trying to hold himself together.  When he hugs me, he tells me he's broken.  And, with this, I believe him.  However, I always tell him that he won't always be.  That he will eventually get to putting himself back together, and even if he's still a little off, he won't really be broken anymore.

We, as people, are not broken.  Some people may be fucked up pieces of shit, and some may be total nutcases, but it's who we are when whole, and that doesn't make us broken.  We are broken when something comes along and shatters us, which happens to everyone throughout our lifetime.  It is then our job to pick up those pieces, and put ourselves back together, trying to come up with a new whole, and making the most of what that is.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Quiet

I actually managed to have an empty house last weekend, without anyone else home, and plenty of space to work on things.

So I had Lux over, and another friend, and we burned things, and we relaxed a little. 

It was a much needed time for all of us, getting away and having distraction for a bit.

And I was so incredibly grateful that Lux spent the night.  My bed might be a little crowded with us both in it, but it still makes me happy to have him there to snuggle up with.  Even if this meant not getting all that much sleep.

It was also a reminder of how much I enjoy doing for friends and people I care about. 

While nothing insanely interesting may have happened, This weekend was what I needed.  I'm feeling a bit better about everything.

Sunday, October 08, 2017

Clouded

Lux and I were talking the other morning, and he said that outside his apartment he could hear a couple fighting.  After a bit, and hearing it get continually louder, he went outside to break things up.

And while there were some things about it I don't need to go into here, one of the worst things was that the person causing the issue of course tried to use Lux's race as an attack.  It was irrelevant to the situation, and of course is simply a characteristic of him, but they felt it necessary to throw it in his face, in order to feel superior, and in malevolence.

When he told me, I was suddenly reminded of how often lately I need to worry about Lux's safety just because of the color of his skin, and how insanely ridiculous that is.  That despite the fact that he is an amazing, strong, and intelligent person, people will see that he is slightly on the darker side, and try to use it against him.

I'm reminded of why we can't say that we don't acknowledge people being of different race.  Because while I may treat everyone with respect and care, I also try to look at a person with understanding that they have all gone through different things, much like how I am often treated differently for the choices I make in my appearance, or a plethora of other things.

No one should be made to feel unsafe because of a physical feature, nor should they feel that way for being around those people.  And anyone who ever feels justified in blanket statements of that nature need to be made to understand what shitty people they are.