Sunday, December 09, 2018

A Plop

Oliver is very much a timid dog.  While he can often be a bit outspoken, I often call him a weenie, as he will constantly hide behind me, looking for me to protect him.

But just as often, whenever I have him on the leash outside, and even when just standing in the house or the yard, he plops his butt on my feet.  Sitting tall and proud, looking out while keeping my toes warm.

It's a gesture of territorial affection.  Him sitting there saying I'm his person, and showing me off as I stand over him.

It makes me reflect on how his behaviors as a pup don't differ all that much from people.  Especially so in kink dynamics.

There are often times when I will sit on the floor, just because I want to, and then lean onto Lux's leg.  I don't feel like I have to, but it's my way to snuggle without getting in the way, and creates a definite visible gesture to our power exchange.

And never do I feel like I have to sit there, or like I'm ashamed to.  I choose to, and show that affection to Lux proudly, much like how Oliver puffs up his chest like a well behaved pup.

It's rather adorable how he announces so often that he belongs to me.  I hope that it's even half as cute when I make similar gestures.

Thursday, December 06, 2018

Cheat Sheet

To continue with what I spoke about on Sunday, I read a handful of other blogs somewhat regularly.  Most of those are food blogs, because I'm a food nerd, and enjoy cooking and baking, and trying new things.

I've found that this time of year, probably because they are also busy and can't be doing every cooking, lots of collection type posts.  Some of these are useful, but something I notice is present in these, and everywhere else for that matter, is gift guides.  These generalized lists of things in categories to get for loved ones.

And every time I see them, I get a bit upset.

These lists are always so generic.  If this person likes these things buy this.  If they do this, buy this.  Very calculated, cold, simple, unfeeling.

I always find a lot of care in picking out gifts for people.  It's a personal thing, whether something I make, or find.  Whatever I had over to someone, told me that it belonged to them.  And sometimes these things are small and simple, and sometimes larger, or more involved.  They still have the same amount of care attached to them though.

Looking at these list, and just attaching a gift to a name without putting that thought in feels like you're just fulfilling obligation, and honestly, if that's the case, maybe we need to reteach, and rebuild the aspect of giving gifts.

Let us give gifts with care.  Small things with grand emotion, chosen with care and creating true connection.

Sunday, December 02, 2018

Celebrating a Miracle

Today we're celebrating Channukah here.  A week after Thanksgiving.

Which means that in the last week I had to carry about two dozen giant ass bins that Squishy, Oliver, and I could have fit into which were all full of winter holiday decorations, bring all the fall stuff down to the basement, bake a thousand cookies, finish inking a coloring book, and get that and another book scanned to edit, and do all the shopping and gift wrapping for Channukah.

Yes, I made that a hell of a run on sentence for emphasis.

It's been a week of madness, and much earlier that we would normally do Channukah, for stupid reasons.

However, this holiday, and how we celebrate in particular, is my favorite thing about the holidays.  Inviting everyone we know, to celebrate and give to show care and affection.  Putting together this grand gesture of acknowledgement, without expectation or obligation.  A day of food, and giving, and silly tradition.

I disagree with a lot of what Christmas has turned into, in many ways.  I dislike the pressure associated with it.  The social obligation, and how commercialized it's become with needing to outdo others, or create these over-extended gestures just to show off and gloat to others.

But then we have Channukah.  Where it is just barely present enough, but no one has that same push to do so extravagantly.  Where we can hand out boxes of cookies, and token gifts which have more thought in them than larger cold and impersonal gifts.  I often hand out hand made gifts at Channukah, seeing tons of happy faces as they all look at the pile of unique things made just for them.

Channukah for me is what the holidays have claimed to be for.  So while I have had an insane week leading up to this, I'm grateful to hold onto this feeling and tradition.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Finding Benefit

A bit over a week ago, the long talk Lux and I wound up having about power exchange was spurned by a question.  I had posed a fantastical situation, which we both had liked, which involved some definite gestures of ownership.  While talking about what I enjoyed about it, I couldn't quite find the right word.  I had defaulted to "hot" with the vibe of the conversation, but immediately caught myself.  While yes, in the moment it would be sexy and stimulating, there are remnants that have far more of an effect on me, which I would find very affirming and fulfilling.

And that, was what Lux questioned.  Not being someone who submits in any context of power, he wasn't sure if this was what I had meant as a slave, or something more.  I had to tell him that while it may be fulfilling as a slave, that alone carries over a lot.  He didn't quite understand the concept of it, so I had to expound upon it further with some manner of word spew toward him when I had a few moments to write.

He did get to read it, and unfortunately had the initial response coming from the idea of power exchange not allowing for people to be built up.  I had to remind him that not only was slavery not the only place I find worth, but that it's more that extra reminder and kick in the ass when the far more common to my life negative words move to the forefront.  That if in any way submission made me felt diminished, I wouldn't do it at all.

Because I don't participate in short term power exchange, being in a submissive space not only shows that I am desired, but wanted on a level truly beyond physical.  A domly person may want to be in charge for a scene, but for someone to point me out in a room, and proudly say "That Loki over there?  That belongs to me" is incredibly affirming.  That possessive aspect of power exchange (not to be confused with toxic controlling possessiveness, which I have dealt with and am aware of) makes me feel cared for in it's own sort of way.

In some ways, power exchange makes being a better partner easier.  Obviously praise doesn't carry over as much when we're in the middle of sex, but requests, or praise as a slave not only mean that I am behaving well in that role, but doing what I need to as a partner, which brings me peace in more vanilla aspects of the dynamic.  That peace of mind makes me more secure with all the things floating around in my brain, and so is beneficial to me as a person.

So while I do create my own sense of worth, and know that I am a good person when it comes down to it, and put a world of care into my partners, slavery and gestures of ownership help provide me real world external proof of that, which is important given how many people I have had in my world that thought they were being amazing people while being incredibly abusive, or accused me of being abusive for my behaviors when I was demanding to simply be treated like a person.

Even in a scene where there may be degradation, objectification, or heavily chauvinistic behavior, that's born from a place of sex, and fantasy.  Afterward, the immediate hugs, and snuggles, and checking in, and care all keep those words from carrying over into the rest of our space.  It creates an emphasis on trust, and makes those times that may look toxic and disgusting something incredibly intimate, which is empowering in it's own way as well.

Perhaps Lux just needed that reminder of how a dynamic built over time can have benefits going well beyond the moment, or the surface of the gesture.  And this is why we need those rehashes over time.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Custom Fit

After talking about the idea of sitting down for a refresh of negotiations, Lux and I had a long talk about power exchange lately.  It started with him asking about how power exchange affects me when it is more active (more on that another day, because there is enough of it) and how it translates well beyond a scene or a moment.

We talked for a while about my affirming him that I wasn't after it for toxic reasons, and bringing up some of his brainbugs with why power exchange doesn't appear often in our casual day to day.

He voiced his discomfort, and issues with certain things, and I started reassuring him.  The particular things that creep along in his mind, aren't really things that I need, or even really want.  I encouraged him to do things outside of those issues that I do want, so we can both be comfortable and happy.

I gave a couple of examples of the past, when he's done such things, and he made a joke about my preference.  As a response, I told him that this is where we can have fun fitting things to what works for us.  That I'm not afraid to try things, and the worst case is that it doesn't wind up being something we enjoy, and either modify it, or know not to do it at all in the future.

This dynamic is ours, and that's the most important thing.  We have no hard and fast rules, unless we make them.  Power exchange when you're just going off of a book or expectation, isn't really all that much of an exchange.  The most important thing is building and cultivating a dynamic that feels fulfilling to us both.  The point is for this to be something we both enjoy, rather than a source of stress or discomfort in expectation.

Sometimes, being submissive is following orders, and sometimes, it's just communication and reassurance.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Obligatory Yet Again!

And now, the cop out Thanksgiving post about what I'm thankful for.

This year, I am thankful for all the new things I've done.

New ways to work toward independence.

New adventures.

New skills to learn.

New ways to experience things.

New furry family members.

There's been a lot of new things this year, and they've definitely been helpful in a lot of ways.

I am grateful for the people in my life.  The ones who show genuine care, and make me realize that even with everything that I live with, I am loved.

I am grateful for my drive.  Because once I gained momentum, this year has been me working nonstop on so many things, and I'm excited for what comes next, and who I get to share it with.

Sunday, November 18, 2018


Lux and I wound up having little comments about my visit.  About things regarding play and dynamics and such. 

It popped into my head, and I asked, if we should sit down and do a proper renewal of negotiations.  When we first got together, we never really did much in the way of negotiations at all.  He looked through my fet writings, saw my limits, and went from there.  Then we just sort of learned each other along the way.  And while that was fantastic in the moment when we had no overly elaborate scenes planned, and wanted to build a friendship rather than just play, it may be time for a more formal revisit.

We've been together for over five years, and in that time, while not much has changed in regards to limits or interests, in some ways we've gotten complacent.  We have anxiety because we haven't sat to really talk about all of those things.  As much as we don't have a routine, we often fall into the same pool of things we know we enjoy.

And, it isn't bad.  Not at all.

But we need that revisit, for our own comfort.  A mental check in, where we can fix what needs to be fixed, relax where we can, and keep having the happy thing we do.

I often see people talk about contracts and renewing them every few years.  Neither Lux nor I have ever had a primary partner long enough to really hit that point, so perhaps there is some merit to it.

Perhaps out of this we'll wind up with some dopey form of contract that only we can understand.  Something more based in creating mutual happiness than one of possession.

There's always new adventures, no matter how long you're with someone.

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Hit the Ground Running

I'm home from Lux's now, and it was a good week, albeit difficult in many ways.

Lux had a lot of stress from many sources, which kept him distracted often.  Sometimes this was his own mind just being working against him, but there were a lot of very challenging things to work through over the course of the week.

I tried to take care of things where I could, and help him out over the course of the week, whether spoiling him, showing affection, or doing little helpful things.

There were also lots of wonderful moments that we both enjoyed, and I'm glad we got to share.  It was definitely a week I'm happy for, because we got to have that time together again. 

In many ways, Lux tried to practice more power exchange and comfort with service.  It's good to feel like we have a more present a visible exchange.  It may still just be visible to us, but that's all we need.

I did find that I didn't quite have enough to work on to keep busy for his entire workday though.  Most days I had a solid pile of things to do, but without having to wait for anyone, I could run through it, and Lux was often with more to do, while I had done everything that I had allotted to myself for the day.  It was that point in the day that I tried not to bother him too much, but wound up snuggling on him a lot.  It was interesting at times, because I felt like I wasn't able to get as much done there, but still got a ton of things done when I look at it.

Now though, I'm home, and elbow deep in winter prep.  I've already started on dough for the cookiepocalypse, and trying to organize gifts to be made, and a thousand other things.  It's a good thing I'm so far ahead on drawing for books.

I had my not real break before the holidays to be with a cute boy, now to dive into the real busy season.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

A Hard Reminder

Last Tuesday, as Lux went to take a shower before his first meeting, I went to really wake up.  Went to the kitchen, and grabbed some small breakfast.  Refilled my coffee, and grabbed my phone to scroll through bits of social media.

As I scrolled through, I saw a post about a group of friends not having been together in too long.  It was written in a worrying way, so I went to look, and found that the night before they had committed suicide.  One of the people who had first taught me to play D&D, someone in the group that would cause me to meet Kitty, and likely down the line lead my life to where it is, in so many ways.

I took a moment to process that.  Because even though we didn't talk for a while, he was still someone who had had space in my life at one point.

And as I went back to my feed, I immediately saw something saying that it was two years since the loss of another friend.  Someone who had been newer to my life, but was genuinely good.  I had found out about his passing while out to breakfast with Kitty, the last time I got to see him in person.

I started thinking about the week.  This is also within a week of the anniversary of Frankie's suicide.  And a handful more people, all within this same tiny chunk of the calendar.

I sat, trying to process.  Wanting instead to snuggle and hug everyone I cared about.  It took me a while of talking with people to get back to work for the day.  And it's definitely made me more grateful for the people I have in my life now.

Thursday, November 08, 2018

An Unexpected Surprise

I may be up at Lux's right now, but a couple weeks ago, he went down past me to Maryland for a week to see some friends.  He planned on staying with a few different people, then ending the week with a Halloween party, and making the long drive all the way north.

Well, he got through most of the week, and then not only did he get a bit burnt out, but something had happened that he reacted to poorly, and needed to process.

And since I was the exact middle point of the trip, I offered space so he could split the drive, and be able to get away from all the people.  Having a puppy to hug would also help him.

He took a while to figure out his plan, and get through what he needed to do, but where I had figured on not seeing him until my trip up here, he told me he was on the way.

While he definitely needed to process, it was nice to have that quiet night together.  To put work aside that I had planned on, and catch up on the visit, and snuggle, and decompress.

We joked about a lot of things.  About things that happened with him, and dopey thoughts, and our normal silly rolling conversation.  He had played with a couple people down there, which are both new partners.  More than once, we joked about how we've gotten comfortable and familiar with each other, and having to train new partners in just a very generic baseline way.

It was a short visit, but a fun reminder, and definitely made me happy for a thousand reasons.

Sunday, November 04, 2018

A Pocket of Time

Right now, I'm getting ready for adventure.

I'm finally able to take a week to head up and visit Lux for the first time in over a year, and we're both looking forward to it.

Which means soon I take a short trip to the bus station, then attempt to not get lost in NYC, and then a long train, albeit a pretty ride, up to Lux.  I'm doing things a bit differently this time, but it should work out ok.

It's been way too long since I've gotten up there.  With everything going on with his family, and then how busy we were for a few months, there just wasn't the option. 

This trip is going to be a bit different as well.  Lux is now with a job where he works from home most of the time, so I'll need to make sure to keep myself occupied with him there during the day, so he has the chance to work in his office, but hold him to some sort of schedule as well.  It'll be a strange balance to keep.  At the same time, Lux is looking forward to being able to go out more, because he'll have more social spoons, and more time at the end of the day.

It's a visit we both need apparently.

Thursday, November 01, 2018

Forever Unique

Upon having my IUD replaced, I also got a full round of STD testing, which I was probably rather overdue for, but it was done, and came up as I had expected it to.

While talking to Lux about it, and giving him my status, he talked about how he needed to get tested as well, and we talking about shared status, and differences in our own methods.

Along with that, I've been thinking a lot about the many differences in our methods and preferences.  Nothing that involves safety mind you, we're both in heavy agreement about all of that, but many other things.

Lux in general, makes decisions on his own who he plays with.  When we both know the person, we will sometimes talk about things first, but often, Lux will simply tell me that he plans on playing with someone, or even telling me about it the next day.  On the other hand, because my play is with only very rare exception with people I already know and am friends with, I make sure to check in with Lux about it ahead of time.  I discuss with him what I am planning to do, and get his stamp of approval on the person.  I don't make it a big deal with the other person, but it is something that I quietly handle with Lux myself, this way things with him are transparent and respectful.

Something that I think affects more people outside of us though, is what goes along with play for us though.  Lux very much attaches sex with kink, and I know that when he says he wants to play with a person, it generally includes some manner of sex.  Often when we take time to play, I think that I am one of few people who he sometimes doesn't combine the two with all of the time.

Meanwhile, where I am very selective who I will play with, I am even moreso about sexual partners.  When people are open to play with us both, I often worry that I'm going to have to deal with a ton of awkward expectation, because I will need to explain to them that I don't want either one of us even acknowledging the existence of genitals.  And it's not to say that it can't happen with people, but it's so much easier to tell them that it won't happen period, and then have the option to possibly adjust that in the future, than have them thinking any manner of sexytime is inevitable.

And it's caused people to not want to play with me at all.  It's caused people to be more comfortable playing with me.  It's also caused people to get frustrated and upset in the moment.

It's more important that I make things clear that I come with my own rules, and as much as I am safe with my partners, and as transparent as possible, we are not the same mind.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

Seeing the Poison

In the mornings right after I put Squishy on the bus, I often sit and finish my coffee while looking through some of the articles our google overlords recommend, and being trapped under a snuggly puppy.

And a while back, there was near a week where every day I would see a headline talking about toxic masculinity or similar things, and want to read it.  Every time, I would get about a quarter of the way through, and find myself upset with how toxic the articles were themselves.

They talked about how women don't want men to be taught about toxic masculinity.  Saying that it makes men too passive, and then the women actually have to approach men.  That men are simply using this as an excuse to not pursue women at all, and become too busy with video games.

They talked about how horrible it is that people claim they don't feel that their gender matches their body.  That it's a mental illness rather than simply an orientation, and saying that it's terrible that parents are expected to accept what their child feels they are.

All manner of things that just make them look closed minded.

And it's amazing, because where I see that a lot of articles talking about people who are lgbt simply say "Why won't they be open and accepting of us?" these very much stomped around saying "Why won't they just do what we did, and what we want?"

The unfortunate part of this, is that while these people mostly take up my parent's generation, there are people like this who are younger.  Who just want a small black and white existence in the world, categories you are born into, and never having any personal agency.

Men are not becoming passive.  They are finally exploring themselves, and not feeling like they need to be some macho ass who simply exists to sleep around.  Women are being encouraged to show strength and be assertive in what they want, in order to even the playing field.  People are encouraged to identify in a way that is befitting of them.

We are in a world where things are becoming level, and we're fighting for that to continue, rather than simply stagnate.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Why I Didn't Report

There's a movement going on, even if I'm a few weeks late.

I can't post it on a lot of socials, because unfortunately people involved in shitty ways follow me and I don't feel like dealing with them.

However, I too have dealt with multiple occurances of sexual assault and consent violation over the course of my life.  When I went to get my exam, during the interview beforehand they asked if I had gone through any of it before, and when I said yes, they had to ask if I reported it.  They looked disappointed to hear another person not being able to report things.

And here's why I didn't bother each time:

  • I was four.  The people around me didn't listen to a word I said, and I didn't yet have the words to even explain what had happened, let alone know it was something to report.
  • We were dating at the time, so people told me I shouldn't frame him as a bad guy for just doing what he wanted.  When I told people after, I was told I was too stupid to not do more in the moment.
  • When I went to tell a friend after the fact, who normally attacks anyone she can frame regardless of what is actually going on, she told me that he just wasn't taught how to show affection, and so it was ok that he violated my consent multiple times over due to that.
There are a thousand reasons why people do not report things.  And it isn't just being demeaned by men.  In general, people make excuses to dismiss the idea of this happening as commonly as it does, and that does nothing but perpetuate it.

Yes, we need to look for the truth, but we also need to look at the people making those claims.  And if we give people that credit when they've only shown they deserve it, we'll get more people reporting, and more people facing consequences for the shit they do.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Many Circles

I've had several reminders lately about just how many places I have touched on, and how many things I've done.

Apparently, I happen to have done way more interesting things than the vast majority of people.

It's always so weird to me when others only have a couple of interests, or a single circle of people they see.  To bottleneck themselves into a small segment of the world.

Then they see how I know people in all corners of the world, and at all different things.  They welcome me happily, rather than simply short meetings.  That I share stories and time with all these people, and have done things with all of them.  Having built connections on various levels.

And then I talk to people who have more mundane lives.  The standard vanilla day to day, content with that and not much else.  I talk about the things I've done like they're nothing special.

Scaring people by chasing them with a chainsaw at a haunted house.

Doing escapism for a freak show.

Dancing with, and letting my body hold fire.

Teaching and performing various forms of middle eastern dance.

And a myriad of other fun and interesting things.

They are simply parts of my past, things that have helped make me into me, like everything else.

And yet people are astounded and amazed that people like me exist.

And I'm reminded in those moments, how far from the standard I am.  How I'm well outside the box, and beyond the comfort zone of most.

But those reminders make me happy.

Someone needs to have the desire to be weird, and someone needs to explore as much as they can.  And I'm excited to keep being that person.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

The Continuing Adventures of Paragard

When I started getting my period, many years ago, I had absolutely horrendous cramps.  I remember having to go home from school often and not sleeping for three nights out of the month.  I frequently told my mom, who would claim I needed to go to the doctor, but would never make the appointment, because she didn't want to have to go to the gynecologist herself.

Because of her own cowardice, my medical issues were never addressed, and where they likely would have given me some form of hormonal birth control, I had to just deal with it, and not have anything as a backup to condoms.

So, when I got pregnant, and everything that came with that (a long story unto itself), I wanted to make sure it didn't happen again.  My doctor wouldn't do a tubal, for stupid stereotypical reasons, and so I went scouring over my options, looking for what would work the best for me.  I knew I wouldn't have a reliable schedule with an infant, and honestly didn't want all that many extra hormones with mine needing to level out after a pregnancy. 

I came upon the copper iud in a pile of options.  A short appointment that would give me birth control as reliable as a tubal, with minimal upkeep, and a decade of coverage without hormones seemed too good to be true.  I read horror stories.  People who had side effects, ranging from continuous spotting, to excruciating cramping, and more.  Still, it looked like the best possible option.

A few weeks after having Squishy, I told the doctor I had wanted to get a Paragard.  She asked some questions to make sure I knew everything about it, and was impressed with how much homework I had done.  Two weeks later, I paid what my insurance wouldn't cover, and had it put in.  I can only assume that everything hadn't quite gone back into place after labor and delivery, because I didn't feel a thing.  I had no extra spotting, and very minimal cramps.

For nine and a half years, I had no side effects.  My flow was no heavier than it had been, and my guess is that I've simply gotten used to the cramps, because they are annoying, but not completely debilitating like they used to be.  It stayed in place, and my period stayed just as reliable as it's always been.

About a year ago, I tossed around the idea again of getting a tubal.  I brought it up to my partners, looking for opinions, and help weighing the pros and cons.

Of course, because they are good boys, gave me no help, because they didn't want to feel like they were controlling what I do with my body.  Because boys are silly.

Even just bouncing it off of them, it helped me decide that a couple short doctor's appointments with something we all agree works well felt better than an invasive surgery which has it's own slew of risks.

And, because the next few months all include a pile of holidays and obligation, I decided that after Pennsic, I would call an office, to get an exam and swap out the device a bit early, rather than risk going past that ten year shelf life.

I'm not going to lie, I was nervous.  I hadn't had one removed before, and didn't know how it would feel having a new one put in with everything completely back where it belonged.  I read varying things, so I had very little to go off of.

Welp, I've had the swap done at this point, and it was an incredibly simple thing.  I took some ibuprofen before the appointment, but I don't think I would have needed it.  The removal was done on an exhale, but was much faster than I had been prepared for, and so easier than I thought.  The replacement was uncomfortable, with sensation you don't exactly feel often, so your body doesn't know how to process it, but that lasted maybe three minutes, and never felt truly painful.  I had very minor cramping for two days, and was spotting for about three.

Just before Thanksgiving, I'll go and have the placement checked, but here's hoping I get another decade of the same good experience.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Mind the Gap

I recently went about the process of replacing my IUD, which sported a ton of conversations with parents.

More on the replacement later, because that's a long write up of its own.

A few weeks ago, I scheduled a regular exam.  I had to go to a new office because my previous gyno had left her practice, and I wanted to take care of that before scheduling the replacement.  It also gave me a chance for a round of sti testing, which I hadn't done for a bit.

Upon scheduling it, I was talking to my mom. 

And here we go.

First, was the conversation simply of having another IUD.  I have always.  ALWAYS.  Said that I didn't want kids.  I have been firm on that from my teens.  It has never at any point wavered.  While saying that I had wanted to simply maintain my method of birth control due to the ease of it, she of course had to bring up "Well if you ever change your mind you can have it removed".

To which I mentioned my firm stance on not wanting any more kids, which hasn't changed even the slightest bit.

She brought up Squishy.

And I told her about how the gnome literally cornered and threatened me while I was pregnant.

Rather than being upset over her child being outright abused, she told me that I was just too stupid.

I told her that maybe she should look at what she just said and that situation a little more closely, as we were in the car, and I couldn't unload both barrels on her in that moment.  She got quiet.

Fast forward to the day that I had to go for the exam, and I'm talking to her again that morning after putting Squishy on the school bus.  I tell her how I would have gotten a tubal right after her delivery if I could have, but how doctors are so difficult about it.

She actually pulled the line "Well, you might meet someone who changes your mind"

I very quickly said "So, I can't make a decision because of someone who might not even exist"

And she agreed!

I added "So, a likely imaginary person has more say over my body than I do"

To that she disagreed.

I didn't back down.  I pointed out that that was what her view meant.  That I couldn't have a solid opinion and desire, because of the possibility of someone making it for me.

Again, she got very quiet.

While at my appointment, the person doing my exam was six months older than me.  We joked about a lot of things, which maybe I'll include in my IUD replacement.  However, it should be unsurprising that we both agreed on things regarding personal agency and choice.  We both agreed that the older viewpoints are garbage, and that we can make decisions for ourselves.

We are a generation that demands being seen as a full person, and it's hard for older people to deal with.  In so many ways, this is a perfect example.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Tiny Venture

Weeks ago, Lux, Dansa, and I had made plans to visit a historic village near me. Lux and I had intended to go for years, but never got to it, and Dansa loved the sound of the place as well.

After everyone comparing calendars, we found a weekend that would work, which was this past weekend.

A few days prior, Dansa contacted me.  Her new boyfriend wanted to come visit, which she later had said she wanted to see how we felt about him after having more time in a more casual setting.  This was presented to Lux in a poor way, but after we spoke, he seemed to be a bit more ok with it.

The weekend happened though, and it went fairly well.  We burned up a ton of the scrap in the basement on Friday, and then Saturday with a very casual day, we went about wandering all sorts of cute places, which they loved exploring.  In particular, they had a party in the coffee roaster, and the peanut butter store.

I saw quite a few friends, to the point where Dansa seemed curious as to how I knew so many people everywhere.  Which I may talk about more soon.

And, in regards to her boyfriend, on Friday night, before Lux got there, we were all talking, and frequently I found he and I having deeper conversation hopping from topic to topic and one interest to another where I could relate to him more than she could.  In nearly every aspect she simply shrugged and expressed her disinterest.  Overall through the weekend, I found them showing the occasional bit of affection which was fine, but they kept to small talk, and showed very little actual chemistry.

Lux and I agree they might last around six months at the most.

While I wasn't terribly fond of getting only a small bit of time alone with Lux, it was a good weekend, and if things work out, we'll be getting a long time together soon.

Sunday, October 07, 2018

Unhealthy, Unbalanced, and Unthought of

Recently, a friend of mine got engaged.  He'd talked about it for a long time, and has consistently been set on marrying her.

The thing about it is though, he can never tell me what he likes about her rather than her having some personality traits that he's attracted to.  They have a ton of incompatibilities, on many many levels.  In general, from my interactions with her, I find her insecure, immature, and overly compensating at best.

I've tried several times to point out the severity of these issues, but he is so busy with work constantly that she is the only person he sees outside of that, and has the thickest of rose colored glasses on because of that.

And unfortunately, which I called a week or so before, they asked both Lux and I to be in the wedding.  Wanting to be there for our friend, we both said yes.

I wound up spending a day with them recently, and she said I was going to go with them to pick out the suits, and look at a venue.

Holy hell.

First, looking at the suits, she is fixated on renting, because it gets her a coupon for after.  There is one style of suit, and they have half a bridal party, and all the groomsmen in suits, and all very different body types.  He is fixated on the size of the damned lapels, and I'm trying to figure out how to explain mens fashion to them at all.  In the end, I'm not happy with it, but I will try to get away with something that looks close, but will actually fit me by the wedding if it happens.

The first venue was a bust, and I saw how bad she is at budgeting and math.  We had a second venue thrown at us right afterward, and we went to visit.  That venue was beautiful, but everything would have to be found through other vendors as well.

And then she says "Welp, we've now figured out everything"

To which I speak up, because this isn't even the tip of the iceberg.  I mention a hotel, and she says that everyone lives nearby, and they'll just drive home.  I point out that his entire family is flying in from out of the country, and there are far more people travelling than they realize.  Also that having a hotel gives her a place for the bridal party to get ready, which she hadn't figured out previously.  That a hotel will often provide a shuttle, which keeps drunk drivers off the road.

They say that if the wedding is at a winery, they will just get a few of their wines, and be done with it.  I point out that not only will it be difficult to figure out how much wine to buy prior to the wedding, but that is incredibly limiting to anyone there who might want to drink.

The list continues, on so many things.  They kept realizing how much work was to be done, and he kept telling me on the way home how tired he already was of how she has been controlling of him in the planning process.

Let's see how this goes...

Thursday, October 04, 2018

Trucking Along

On top of feeling better mentally, I've been able to keep up with a lot of things right now.

I've finished reading most of my pile of books, and need to invade a book store to pick up a new pile.  Finishing books always makes me feel good.

I've finished drawing both a smaller coloring book, as well as drawing and publishing the Pennsic one.  I'm so ahead that I'm actually able to take a couple weeks off of drawing to do lots of cleaning and digging out of my closets and such.

A couple of other small projects have gotten made, which made some friends happy.

Finally, I got around to opening a kofi page, which I've been posting to somewhat regularly.

With everything going on lately, I actually picked up a planner to try keep track of everything I have happening and what I'm constantly doing.

Halloween is exploding in the house, and there's a ton to balance.

There's going to be a lot to do in the coming weeks, especially with everything planned over the next while.