Thursday, April 27, 2017

Crisis Vision

Even when I was a teenager, I got calls when shit hit the fan.  Massive things happened, and I was the person who could figure out what to do.  The one who reminded other people to breathe, and stayed calm and handled things.

For some reason, I kept my composure during these massive explosions.  I can keep cool, and direct things, and figure out what to do, and help everyone, or take action myself.

The little things though.  They tear me apart.  I freak, want to curl up in a ball, and hit things, and scream.

And, I think it's because there is so little I can do.  With an abusive household, the little things happen a lot, and it winds up turning into me venting to Lux a lot, even though he doesn't deserve it with everything else going on right now.

Little issues, and small problems with people being assholes get to me way more than they should.

And, I think it's that those little things are so constant.  So consistent, and without me able to just do what's necessary to fix it they all pile up, where the larger more immediate crises are big yes, but get handled, and eventually come to a close.

Maybe, the little things after so long aren't so little, and that's why I have such a shitty time with them.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Narnia

So, I'm pretty open with the general public about the goings on in my life.  About kink, and poly, and gender, and all those things.  Obviously, I don't let it take over conversation with my vanilla friends, and am able to keep things professional and appropriate when needed, but I don't feel a need to hide that from every other aspect of my life.

At home though, I deal with listening to my parents spewing all the bigoted shit about how so many people who aren't almost completely heteronormative are broken, sick, looking for attention, or a thousand other things.  I listen to them reference things I identify with, and that they believe those people demented.  They tell me that because I don't have a stereotypical relationship, I'm being taken advantage of, and that I'm just being stupid.

And so even though I'm not gay, or trans, I'm in the closet at home, with so many aspects of my life.

It's stressful honestly, and I don't know how so many people do it with everyone for so many years of their lives.  I absolutely don't blame them for taking so long to trust people, and constantly worrying.

Because with them, and anyone they know I'm abusive, abused, and disturbed only because I like kink.

I'm a cheating horrible bitch of a homewrecker because I have more than one partner.

I'm looking for attention, and delusional because I'm agender.

But the fact that I have been abused is just because I'm a stupid piece of shit, not because I wasn't taught what healthy interaction is.

They prove my point just with that.

And this is why I try to explain so much to my daughter, because while I may not be able to tell her everything out of fear of my family finding out, she can become aware and accepting of that in others.


Thursday, April 20, 2017

My Own Skin

I've been thinking a lot about how looking like me, and feeling like me helps my mood.

I went through my old clothes a while ago, and got rid of a lot of stuff that fit poorly, or was getting old, or things that had been bought for me that I just hated.  Since then picking out clothes makes me feel like I'm being me, rather than having to force myself to act like me while in someone else's clothes.

I generally dress very differently how society would deem "normal", or a preferred way from anyone else in my house, and a lot of people I know.  I also have a lot of things about my appearance that have me regularly getting stared at in public, and told are bad or stupid decisions.

Here's the thing though.  The choices I make about my appearance are the kind of thing that is damn near impossible to actually get me down on.  Because those things make me who I am.  They make me feel like me, and I can't be brought down for that.  My goal isn't to just follow fashion, or dress in a way that makes my dysmorphia scream just to shut other people up.

Fighting my dysmorphia means doing things that make me feel like I'm in my skin rather than someone else's.  It means having a body that feels and looks like mine.  My tattoos, and my piercings help me feel like my body is me, and the way I dress helps too.

I think the biggest thing I've ever had to learn over time is that I am me, and I need to embrace that.  Anyone who wants me to be someone else isn't worth my time.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Little but Fierce

The day after I arrived in the frozen north, Lux and I went grocery shopping for the week.  He was happy not to have to cook for a week, and I enjoy grocery shopping, and cooking.

As we were checking out, Lux found a cashier that he normally flirts with the entire time.  As he's trying to casually flirt in the same way that he usually would, and I very clearly have no problem with it, being polite, and bagging things up so they can talk, she suddenly gets very quiet, and even moreso as I respond to Lux.

We walked out, and went to load up the truck, and I pointed out something to Lux that I've been meaning to write about anyway.

Most women are incredibly intimidated by me.

More often than not, women treat me like shit because they don't know how to act around me.  I mesh very well with more masculine people, put off a very masculine energy, and generally don't give a fuck what people think of me so long as they are respectful.  Women in general seem to not know what to do with that.  It's caused a lot of women to either treat me like shit if they're also interested in my partner, or be incredibly distant, which honestly isn't going to help them, so I don't know why they do it.

I've apparently been the source of a few break ups in my time, because I became the friend of a guy, and we would hang out, and be nerds, and I'd become a bro in a totally platonic way.  Because they were either insecure, or just didn't believe a female bodied person could be friends with a guy without it becoming anything more, it would create explosions, and destroy the relationship.

I think it's weird, and sometimes, it's funny.  Women who are dishonest, or manipulative, or have any of a plethora of negative traits can be friends with each other, but because they are more feminine or avoid men as friends because they feel like you can only speak to someone of a gender you're attracted to if you want to have sex with them.

People can deal with the fact that I am strong, and that I can be a force of nature.  But honestly, dealing with that just means treating me like I am a person, with simple respect and decency.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Unseasonably Warm

For being in the frozen north, it feels really close to summer time.  I decided to spend some of the afternoons on the balcony, because it's nicer out, and it almost feels uncomfortably warm.

Oh well, I'll take being outside again.

It's been a good couple days as of writing this.  Lots of snuggles, and talking about stuff going on currently and planning ahead.  We've made jokes about how we usually get nothing done together when we have so much time, constantly using the excuse that we have enough chance to get to it, and simply never do.  That we opt to simply snuggle up, and do the little cute things together, but when we only have a weekend, we rush for everything.  I find it really funny how long this has simply happened for us.

It's been nice just relaxing though.  It's noticeable how much we enjoy the little things we do, and how they make us happy even if we are poking at each other.

Also, I think people are confused when they see or hear us being ourselves together.  Lux was playing video games with his friends, and had things set up to I could talk with them too, and at one point I did something to cause him to start punching me as I giggled on the couch. It wasn't any sort of anything special because people were listening, but just how we interact.  Luckily, his friends are also kink friendly, or it probably would have caused some questions.

So far, it's been a very happy visit.

Sunday, April 09, 2017

Very Separate Categories

I've had very similar conversations a few times in the last week, and once even in regards to this current trip to see Lux.  It has to do with bratty behavior, and where the lines lie between healthy, being an asshole, and manipulation.

This is one of those things where I think being a switch gives me a bit of an advantage in knowing where those lines are, but I also try to be as respectful of people as possible, and keep track of their personal lines.

I have no problem saying that I'm a brat when it comes down to it.  I sass people, cause trouble, make mischief, and press buttons.  I however, see when someone is legitimately busy with something, and know when they don't have the personal bandwidth to deal with me poking.  Adapting to situations, and respecting requests and being aware is part of being a decent partner, friend, and person.

It's easy to hit the point of being an asshole, or down right manipulating someone and trying to pass it off as playful bratting.  Feeling justified in pulling someone from what they want to do, or need to do isn't fun.  Continuing beyond the point of playful poking to where someone legitimately gets angry doesn't mean they can't handle having a brat, it means the other person doesn't respect lines.  For me, it effectively becomes similar to a consent violation in many cases.

Likewise, using bratty behavior to replace communication isn't a healthy action.  Being able to speak and share needs as well as be able to have the fun giving sass creates a healthy and trustful dynamic between any people.

It comes down to being receptive.  Be aware of the people you're with, and share words as necessary, know the state of the people you're poking, and the places and times not to poke.

Being a brat is an exercise in awareness.

Thursday, April 06, 2017

Necessary Adventure

Tomorrow, the wee beastie goes off with the gnome over her spring break from school.  That means over a week when I don't need to be home to watch over her.  

Which means that the next morning, I start a long trek of trains to head north and spend time with Lux, which I'm looking forward to more than I can say.  

It's been a long time since I've been up there.  Almost a year honestly, and I miss getting to have time just with him up north.  We also haven't had much chance to spend any sort of extended amount of time together in far too long.  

We've both hit the point where that distance has created that purely imaginary paranoia.  I recognized it a while ago, and I think getting to spend some serious time together will help.  Getting to relax, and enjoy time, and not try to cram a couple of hours with each other will definitely do us both good.

We managed to go a long time with this distance, and the last year has really been a test with far less time together, and far more things happening.  This week should be a good thing.

Sunday, April 02, 2017

Made for it

Quite a while ago, Lux and I were talking about some of the effects of his being hurt by past partners.  How it affected us, and our dynamic.

And while yes, that hurt did cause our dynamic to change a lot, as well as take some steps back in several ways, Lux is the kind of person who thrives when he has multiple partners.  I've noticed a few times that when he has a pool of active partners, he tends to be more affectionate and connected and move further with all of them.  When it's just us, he's present and attentive, and I don't feel ignored in any way, but there is massive change when he has another partner there.

It's amazing in some ways.  To see how someone thrives as a partner, just by having someone else there.  And I know I'm not lacking in any way that I don't bring that out in him, but simply that he is wired in a way where he best fits into a open poly situation.

I'd need to ask Lux to be certain, but I feel as though it doesn't matter how many partners I have, and that so long as I have presence from whatever the number is, I tend to be very connected and caring to whoever is there.  I also don't necessarily feel drawn toward any particular thing.  I'm happy just having supportive people.

It's interesting, just seeing how one dynamic can cause another one to flourish.  It's a constant balance and there is always risk, but the reward is there, and that's the part to be grateful for.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

A Strange First

Last weekend, I attended my first public yoga class.  Even when I taught dance at a yoga studio, I didn't make it to a class.

My wifey friend knows the owner of a brewery, and they have a fancy yoga class every other week, then reward everyone with a flight of adorably tiny beers.  We decided to go as a way to kick off a new set of dance classes after going to a hafla together recently.

I've got to say, there was a lot of weird things about it, and not all of them were bad.

When we got there, we went up the stairs, and I saw a bunch of people around the room, and noticed there was a good mix of different body types, and a handful of guys in the class.  Of course there were a good chunk of super super skinny girls all in designer yoga pants that probably cost more than all the clothing in my closet, and overpriced mats.  I giggled to myself when the teacher asked who had done yoga before, and they all said it was their first time, as I am there in my loose thai fisherman pants that were as cheap as possible, and my old mat from a big box store.

At the beginning of class we were encouraged to make whatever modifications we felt we needed to feel right while moving, and I took advantage of that.  I went into the full expressions of every pose, holding them with strong posture, or even doing things that I know make them a little harder, because I needed that to feel a challenge, and not just go through the motions.  I noticed that even as one of the heavier people in the room, I had some of the best form and flexibility.  I also made my friend lose balance at one point because I decided to move into a headstand and an arm balance in the middle of a pose and she started giggling.

It was a bit affirming in a way.  That I'm making progress with what I do, even if I don't see it normally.  Also that proof of how surprisingly strong and flexible I am compared to the average person.  While I don't think it's something I need to do all the time, I think going to classes and having those reminders once in a while needs to happen in the future.  Just as that little proof that you don't need to be a size 0 and have name brand gear to be proficient in something.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Wrong Way

I put a lot of focus into trying to instill a good sense of right and wrong when it comes to the wee beastie.  Not just for how she should act, but in the actions of others around her, and what is acceptable, and what she should never allow or back down from.

Unfortunately, my parents are a constant example of everything she should never do or allow.

With very few exceptions, I make sure to respect whenever Squishy says she doesn't want hugs, or when I've snuggled her up too much and she wants a bit of space.  In return, she knows to respect that from me, and while we might pout a little if one says no, it's never meant maliciously.

However, lately she hasn't wanted to hug my parents at all.  They openly treat me with very little respect, and try to force Squishy to show affection when she doesn't want to.  Usually she tries to run away in order to avoid it, and often winds up wanting to hug me.  Every time I ask her, she just says she doesn't want to hug them, and I don't blame her.

If their trying to force her wasn't bad enough, my mother has openly been throwing screaming fits about it, saying that Squishy is acting horribly and taking advantage of her. 

Um, excuse me?

My daughter wants to show affection to those who respect her as a person, and you have a problem with that?

Of course you do, because you see no problem with treating people like shit and acting like it's perfectly fine.

So, I sat Squishy down, and talked to her about gaslighting.  About examples that she's seen, and why it's bad, and that if people ever do it to her, or to others around her, to stand up and fight against it.

I shouldn't have to explain this to an eight year old.  She shouldn't need to be aware of this yet.  And while yes, by the time she's grown, she'll already be strong willed, and be used to fighting against shit like this, she should have that time to be a kid.

And she already does fight back, and she comes to me and asks why some people don't respect when she tells people to back off, and it's hard to keep from just flat out saying that so many people in her life are emotionally abusive, and to never let people like them become a part of her life in the future.

Taking care of an infant was no problem.  Now that she's a person, and I need to prepare her for people in the world, that's the hard part.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Pretty

So, the other day Lux was feeling some kind of way, and after some encouragement, he sent me some nudes.  Which, I mean, getting to check out cute boys I like while they're far away is something I'm not going to complain about ever.

However, I saw very clearly that he was uncomfortable with it, which is not something normal for him.  We talked about it, and how he doesn't want to feel so self conscious anymore.  That I would help him figure out things to do about it, and affirmed that I will nom on him as much as necessary until he feels pretty again.  And then after, because I already think he's pretty.

Afterward, when he'd gone to work, and was busy in meetings, I thought about it more.  That his goal is to feel sexy again, and not feel so self conscious in front of a camera again.  And about how he wouldn't have much problem if I was on the other side of the room instead of a lens.  That usually I am reaffirming, and making contented grabby hands at him before climbing up and then clinging on like a koala while with him.

And, I realized I don't really know how to help him.  I don't know what feeling sexy is like at all in this point in my life, and so it would be hard for me to know what might instill that in someone else.  At the same time, because of that, and my dysmorphia on top of it, I have issues with being in front of people as well as in front of a camera.

With someone there, I feel too much like I'm faking everything.  The few times I had a partner force me to strip for them or whatever, I legitimately almost walked out because I hated it so much.  The entire time I wanted to curl up in a ball because I felt like I was being told not to be me.  And at the same time, because my dysmorphia kicks in, and the fact that the vast majority of any positive words regarding my appearance were just an attempt to get into my pants, I feel like they're seeing what I judge in myself, and that they feel the same way.  It is absolutely panic inducing, and something I've never been able to shake in the slightest.

At the same time without people there, it doesn't matter if I'm dressed or not.  Lately, my dysmorphia is at a point where even the aspect of being in front of a camera gives me anxiety, and having to look at the finished product is something I want to avoid like the plague.

I guess we both have work to do.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Balls First

To start off, a short story:

Kitty left the larp we attended before I did.  He was done there, and no longer having fun, and so he needed to leave.  As we were both doing logistics at the time, I took over, and continued to attend.  However, given the amount of time we spent together at events, no one really bothered trying to do anything with me because he was always there.

Well, literally the event after he left I'm walking up to where some people are hanging out to join in on conversation, and a guy who is a known douchebag walks up to me.  He cuts me off in my tracks, grabs me by the shoulders, and tells me he's high, and that he wants to drag me into the woods to fuck me.

Needless to say I'm a little put off by this and say something to the president of the larp.  He comes back to me later, telling me that he said he was just joking.

Um, excuse me, the fuck?  He's not my friend, and if he was, he'd know that any sort of joke like that would be met with a fist to the sternum.  

The next event, a friend and I are staying in a kitchen inside the building that gets used in winter as sleeping space.  I'm up against the wall, and he's across the center of the room.  We're each in our own little set ups, with several feet between each other.  Shortly after we go to bed, we hear the door open, and the same douchebag walks in, and I tell him the room is being used, and to go find somewhere else to sleep.  He asks if it's me, and I say yes, and tell him to go, because I'm tired, and want to go to bed.  

To which I hear him walking up, and unzipping his pants.  As he gets midway across the room, he nearly steps on my friend, who hasn't made a sound.  Douchebag asks who is there, and my friend just says "Hi" grabs his ankle, and twists it until he falls on his ass.  I tell him to go find somewhere else to sleep, and that if he ever comes near me again, he won't be able to.

And now we fast forward to present day.

I read an article the other day that talked about cismenfolk and sexuality.  That they're taught to be predators, that women are to simply fear it, and that it's simply excused away as how things work.  And, given the story above, I have some real world experience that this can be very true.  

It also talked about how men tend to be the one to pursue women, and they are rarely the ones feeling desired.  Which, in a lot of ways I also agree with.  It made me think of conversations I've had in the past, where friends who legitimately meant well would talk about how they were working on getting closer to a girl in order to have a chance at sex with them, and how I'd be telling them that if they have to work on earning sex, they aren't the person you should be having sex with.

It reminded me of a friend and a conversation I had with Lux lately.  About how our friend is throwing himself at people just for the chance of getting laid.  He's seeing women as a source of sex, rather than just people, and so he's attracting the type of women who will string him along while he hopes his dick might get wet at the end of the day.  

Here's the thing though, when you see people as a source of sex, either someone gets hurt, you wind up with sex you don't want, or sex that won't last.  It also is generally very visible, and if people see that desperation, they usually won't bite.  Which, again, starts to go back to the article.  At that point, the men crave feeling desired, but women are taught to repress their sexuality, and makes things way more difficult overall.

Now, I have no problem showing menfolk that I'm attracted to them (so long as they aren't awkward).  I however know that I am very much in the minority when it comes to actively showing men attention.  In return though, I notice that when men see that, they're either offput, or they treat me more like a person than before, which kind of creates more of a problem with it.

There's a lot of issues with how we're bred into sexuality, and it's going to take a while to break all of those habits.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Aspirations

So, as a more lighthearted topic, something I often giggle at.

As much as I don't want to get old, stop doing things, or become ignorant to the world, I absolutely can't wait to become a crotchety old person.

Lux already says I'm a crotchety old man.

Sometimes, we sit together either on his balcony, or my back porch, or while camping.  We set ourselves up with a cigar, or our pipes, smoke something tasty, and sip rum.  We look exactly like an 80 year old couple yelling at the hoodlums running around outside.  It's probably adorable.

There are times even when it's just me, with a cigar and a drink, reading a book and hollering at anyone making too much noise.

The other day, a remake was made of my favorite NES game.  I went on an old person rant with a friend, about how back in my day, we weren't able to save our game, and limited lives, so we had to get good enough to beat the game in a day.  And we couldn't just leave the console on, because the cartridge would fuck up, and we'd have to remove it and blow in it to make it work again.

Friends and I will sit for an evening with a cup of tea, and yarn, and talk about how many people dismiss too much of everyday life.

Rather than buy junk food, I'd rather spend all the time and work to bake something myself, because store bought baked good just taste like sugar.

Fuck waiting, I'm impatient.  I'm a crotchety old man now, and I'm happy about it.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Signs from the past

It's been a long time since I've broken up with Thrax, and gone without an abusive partner in my life.  A long time since I've had that negative influence, and everything that comes with it.

In that time, I've learned a lot.  I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and discovered a lot about how I actually am when I'm encouraged to be me, and not having a partner trying to force me to be someone else, or that I'm undeserving of more.

Sometimes though, after dealing with it for that long, little things peek through.

I don't think past abuse ever really goes away at this point, because I deal with it all the time.

Always feeling the need to apologize, as though it's all my fault.  Being afraid to ask for anything, or help at any time.  Feeling panic when I do speak up about my own basic needs, because I've gone too far, and don't want to be attacked.

Even when I know the same things won't happen because I have healthier people in my life, I still deal with the same feelings years later.

The random triggers that come about in which I have to stop everything and talk myself down from, because they're related to such shitty events from my past don't go away.  I just keep finding new ones.

I notice the habits in others too.  Signs of too much gaslighting, and emotional abuse, and the effect it has now.

It's sad to think about, and worse to see, especially over time when the other people are far from our lives and minds.  Sometimes things take far too long to heal over completely.

Thursday, March 09, 2017

Becoming

So, I found out some spoilers of the new Logan movie that came out recently.  Apparently, one of the main themes is the concept and lesson of "Don't become what they've made you into".  And, I think it's a hell of a theme for a story like that, and one that really gets into some of the nitty gritty of the old marvel comic universe, especially for a character like Logan.

But, when I heard that the theme was something like that, I thought about it, and how much I fought to be different from what others have tried to force me to be.

I was taught to cower.  To just take whatever others do to me, because they're entitled to treat me like shit.  I was taught to have to do without because I must be like others, and plan to fuck things up in exactly the same ways.  I was taught that wanting to be treated with respect made me uncontrollable.  That I should never ask for help, but expect to have to do absolutely everything for others.

I was taught to take advantage of people because of my size, and gender.  That I should play up the small and demure card to get people to do things for me.

I was taught to tell people what they wanted to hear, rather than the truth.  I was taught that I should accept lies and deceit and move on like nothing happened.  I was taught to forgive consent violations.

I was taught to be a princess and a doormat.

I was taught to be something that couldn't be farther from who I am.

And to be honest, because those people who taught me that were truly toxic, they all hate who I've become, and try to villainize everything that isn't they're ideal picture of a doormat that they want me to be.

To the point where when I started to actively fight back, I was sent to a therapist because there must have been something wrong with me.  And I told her what was happening.  It was met with the response that I was fine, and sane, and nothing was wrong with me.  That they were abusive, and toxic, and delusional, but I was so close to eighteen that they couldn't do anything.

And since then, anything that has been a form of self expression or independence has been actively used to put me down.  To shove me lower until I would hopefully give up and become what they wanted me to be.

But that's not me, and it can never be.

Sunday, March 05, 2017

A Reset

The other day, I started having a serious conversation with Kitty, and told him that I didn't think I could really get much positive from it until I got my baseline at a better state.  That we're all in a shitty place, and we all need to make these steps to get better, and then start making bigger improvements.

Later in the week, I was talking to Lux, and mentioned that I think a beating to catharsis would be good for me.  I also said that I wasn't sure if he was in a place where he would be comfortable beating me to that point.  That I was worried if he were to try, and he pushed himself too much I wouldn't be able to take care of him afterward.  That he wasn't in a state to be able to do that safely, even if he said he can.

And, it's a big thing to beat me to that point.  Honestly, I don't think it's ever been managed.  I hold on for too long, unable to relax, and let go, and with too high a pain tolerance for most people to get me there.

It's a tall order for any top, and given how few people I would trust to do it, means it's pretty much a very small chance for me to get there.

I suggested having someone else there, either as a way for Lux to tag out and take a moment mentally, or if he were to push, to be there to look after us both when it was done.  Which honestly might be the best plan regardless, because having someone there to start coffee and order pizza is important.

At this point, I'm in a state where while it would probably be one of the best things for me to make steps to move forward, I don't think I have the resources to actually manage it.  I will  find other ways to get that much needed reset with the people in my life, and continue on.

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Quick Dose of Society

The other day, I got what I thought was a smart idea.  I'd just google "Thunder thighs" and get to enjoy lots of pictures of men with big pretty legs and cute butts.  It seemed like a great plan, full of awesome rewards.

Well, I tried it, and what came up was a ton of images of things like ways to get rid of thunder thighs, ways to slim down legs, and what exercises are necessary to have thin thighs and legs.  To have "sexy legs" and how to get them.

Then I looked and saw more showing women who were talking about how strong they were with their thicker legs, and how it was them showing love for themselves, and not needed to find a partner.

It very blatantly showed this divide in society for women.  That idea that you can be strong an independent, or thin and attractive, but never can they mix.  And I think that's more media than real life right now.

And we know how much I like to follow the suggestions of media.

I hate that there is this divide.  That women can't be seen as attractive if they are strong.  That we still encourage this thin ideal for the sake of fashion and society and media, as pushed by other women to not be healthy, but thin.

Meanwhile, I can never have that societal preference of a body.  I'm built like a linebacker, with broad shoulders, a large rib cage, and a very tiny waist in comparison to my hips.  My natural figure is similar to the painted pin up figures of the 40's, just with smaller breasts.  That's so far from the current standard and well into what is seen as strong but unattractive in the eyes of media.

However, I do look strong, and I am strong.  I'm in better shape than most people I know, and I doubt that my partners find that unattractive.

And, I'm noticing that the more I look at my strength, and how my figure reflects that, and the healthier I look, the happy I am with my appearance.  I'm not worried with having this super perfect body to the outside world.  If I am strong, and healthy, and feel like me, I will be happy to have my thunder thighs, and big butt, and tell the media to fuck off.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

The Continued Adventures of Not Poly!

Someone was talking to me the other day about how she actually kicked her husband's partner out of the house a while ago.  He has had serious health issues for months now, and is unable to drive for a good while longer.  So, his other partner has to come to the house to see him.  Apparently, she was coming by so often to act as a supportive partner that his wife felt like she was "shoved into a co-wife situation" and his partner was acting like she wanted a "mommy dom".

Now, this person is bad with people.  Like, she pretty much shuns anyone outside of a handful of people away, and is so closed minded in seriously radical ideas that she shoves most of those away as well.  Having not been there, but knowing her, I'd say she just got tired of having someone else female in the house, and threw a fit.

To which, she then told me that she actively wanted to avoid talking to or seeing her metamour, and was only ok with her husband having her around when he could go see her.  Didn't want to have any necessary discussions, but just be absent from the house whenever she would be present.

And, holy hell, can we say unhealthy dynamics as well as not actually poly.

She doesn't want poly.  She wants her husband to find someone to fuck to not have to put out herself. but not let him have any actual emotional connection with them.  But she won't let him just fool around with anyone, just in case she does decide she actually wants her one bit of sex for the year.  That's not poly, that's looking to use someone to fix a problem in your relationship, which isn't going to happen.  It's going to bring out more problems that aren't being addressed, as well as be a toxic influence on whoever decides to act as the other partner.

You can't look for a specific person to fill a hole in a relationship.  Poly is about having people who each have their own whole and complete dynamic.  Even if you have things you do with one partner and not the other (which is something I do find important to having unique and special dynamics) you don't keep one partner just to make up the things the other is lacking in.  That's just treating someone as a device or a scapegoat to go without having to fix something yourself.

I've seen too much broken poly lately, and some of it is just struggling to happen because it's so broken already.  And most of the time it's because the people involved are afraid to acknowledge issues in their main relationship, or are terrified to be alone in order to build healthy stronger ones.


Thursday, February 23, 2017

Only One Day

Usually, Kitty and I make time for each other on Mondays.  We spend some amount of the evening  talking, and going on tangents, and being silly.  We still have some problems staying connected and communicating with the distance through the rest of the week, but generally this is pretty reliable time together.

The Monday before Valentine's, I got a message from him saying we wouldn't be able to talk, because it was his anniversary with Pyre, and he wanted to go out and celebrate with her.  While I thought to myself that they probably have the worst date for an anniversary ever, I'm never going to stop him from spending time with a partner, or him from celebrating something.

It happened to be a particularly bad day unfortunately, and so he was being a bit more present than usual as we talked about several things, including how Pyre absolutely loved the present I made for Kitty.  That he bought her a chain starter kit and some scales so she could play around with learning some things.

He also said that we needed to pick out a celebratory day.

Yes, out of all my polycule, he's the one with a sense of classic romance.

I told him I had no clue what to pick, but could in theory look up the day we first met as something to use.  He suggested when we reconnected after the breakup with his ex.  I looked up both days, but never decided.

I mentioned that at this point picking a single day to celebrate when we never had one for so long seemed silly.  That we've always just kind of celebrated each other, rather than a specific day, that honestly will only hold any meaning just because we both agreed on a day to celebrate.  He agreed, but said that it was a good thing to be silly about.

Then I may have pointed out that picking a day may seem superfluous to me because I'm not at all the romantic or cutesy type when it comes to a more classic sense. He told me that knowing that, it made it an even more worthwhile goal, just to have me be doing something cutesy like that.

We've just gone so long, over a decade now without ever needing a specific day to recognize each other, but simply being constantly appreciative of the presence we have in the other's life, and that I think is more important.  We don't need a specific day to say "Hey, we made it this many years without killing each other" but rather to simply have those random times when we say "I'm glad I've had you around through so much.

Sometimes, my overly logical mind shows through his more heavily emotional one.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Very Needed

Lux decided that with everything going on, he was going to come down and visit on his own decision the weekend before Valentine's Day.  He needed to do it on his own, and for his own peace of mind, instead of things exploding and him being asked to rush down by his mom.

Having not seen him since Christmas, I asked if it was possible for us to have some time.  We've both had a lot going on, and probably needed the time together to talk and hang out and be present for each other.

Well, we didn't quite get the amount of time we wanted, but I know it helped me a lot.  We didn't do anything special, but there were lots of little gestures that reminded me how much he cares, and set a lot of things straight in my head.  He also needed to talk about a lot of serious things going on in his own brain, and how messed up he is right now, and some little conflicts in personality we have.  I assured him that while yes things we going on, and that we both wanted some different things, it didn't make that bad, but something we just need to be aware of.

We also talked about things like the possibility of Fusion, and other partners and playing with people and such.  But mostly, we took care of ourselves, and got in much needed time.

Hopefully it isn't another month and a half before I see him again.