Thursday, August 17, 2017

Skin Comfort

I very nearly had to walk in and give my father a reality check the other day.

I was sitting in the living room reading, and heard him getting louder, of course needing to show my mom everything he scrolled through on social media, and talk about how everyone is stupid and wrong.  This time he was showing her a picture of a girl with tattoos.

He says "You have all these beautiful girls, and they force you to try and see past these tattoos.  They're just a fad right now, and people don't understand that when they get older, it won't be a fad anymore, and then they'll just be ugly."

My mother responds with "They don't know it isn't attractive.  I see all these people come in with things that get pierced, and then they get infected and they wind up with issues from it."

And oh, did I want to walk in there.  To storm in like a fucking hurricane.  To explain that these girls are beautiful.  Full fucking stop.  They are beautiful because these tattoos being them comfort in their skin, and make them feel like the person they are, and not despite having them.  That they know those tattoos are forever, and that a tattoo they wear every day makes them happier and costs less in the long run than the thousands many people spend on jewelry and only wear once.

Not even that, but they don't get them to be "attractive" to others.  Not because they want to be sexy to others, but because it is what they want.  You don't consider other people when making choices about your own body.  You do what you want, and what makes you happy.

And no, tattoos are not a fad.  They date back thousands of years, and in almost every culture to some extent.  In many of them, tattoos were either a symbol of status, or a way to denote occupation or family.  Tattoos are something people have historically worn with pride, and not as a trend.  Mermaid hair is a trend or a fad.

Which, on that note, talking about the risks of piercings as definites is bullshit.  You don't get a piercing with the intention of having a risk or side effect happen.  Just like every time you dye your hair you risk having an allergic reaction to a new brand of dye.  You get it because you enjoy it.  You take care of it as well as you can, and still sometimes something happens that is out of your control.

I mean, fuck, even my mother had a helix piercing keloid and reject.  It's not like she expected that to happen when she got it.

Saying that you don't find tattoos or piercings attractive is one thing.  It is your preference.  However saying it in absolutes is a complete disrespect for people, and shows your own closed-mindedness and ignorance.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

A Pile

I've been having more projects to manage lately.  Things to do and make and manage and get through.  It's helping my mental state a lot.

Working out has been difficult this summer, but with school starting soon, and a trip to see Lux, it should be a good time to really reset things and start with more preferred habits.

It's amazing, how just the act of having a physical project and something to make can help me feel better.  Even something as massive as what I'm currently making, which happens to kill my hands in the process.

I'm packing up a few things to work on and play with during my trip, and I'm feeling myself be a bit more inspired and motivated.  I'm still feeling very drained due to lack of social stimulation (again, not for lack of trying) but not finding myself overthinking and going into depressive spirals regularly like I was.  I feel like I can be around people, and want to be going and doing things for the act of recharging.

And hopefully, very soon, I'll have the chance to do so.

It's amazing what a ball of thread and some paper can do.


Thursday, August 10, 2017

Over Time

I'm the kind of person who believes that I should always be able to look back at who I was at any point in my life, and think I was an idiot compared to what I know in the present.  Not to say that I'm a genius now, but that I have learned so much, and become even more myself over time.

And lately, I've been thinking about how my surroundings have affected that, in many good ways.

I've noticed that I have the broadest span of people out of my family.  I know people all over, and touch on many different circles and hobbies and groups.

My siblings tend to think a lot like my parents.  They have a lot of the same abusive tendencies, and gaslight, and have no idea what healthy relationships are.  They also have a lot of very racist and bigoted habits and views.

And, I know I started there at one point.  I can think of a lot of points in time when I held views similar to them just because I wasn't taught that anything could be otherwise.  I've had to learn how to treat people, and how I need to be treated, much less what I deserve.

There's been so much of me learning, the more and more I distance myself from my parents, and it shows how they've mentally stagnated over the last forty years, content in complacency and feeling as though they are perfect and eternally right and justified in their abuse.

And then as I experience more, and want to continue to experience more, I create that distance just from learning about people and the world and how to function around others.

I think we all need to continue to see things, and create that ever broadening circle in the world.  To learn and mature and grow.

And when you settle into one idea, and push that on others, breaking free of those people is such an insane thing.

Sunday, August 06, 2017

Things are Moving

While Lux and I aren't at Pennsic this year, and I'm still not able to make it to Summer Camp this month, I still seem to be just as busy.

The biggest thing is that my brother is moving back from North Carolina.  He and his abusive girlfriend had been looking for a house up here for a while, and they found one about a month ago, and a couple weeks later, they got an offer on the one down south.  Things went from a crawl, to planning a move in a month and a half, and they'll be officially back up here at the end of the month.  I saw the property earlier this week, and it's exactly what he has wanted since he was a kid.  Tons of land to turn into an offroad track, far off the street so he can't be bothered, a barn to turn into a shop, as well as a full basement.  He's even already planning on taking Squishy for overnights.  I think he'll be happy up here once he gets settled in to house a bit more.

Later this month I'm headed up to Lux's for a week.  The trip in the beginning of summer didn't work out, and so I'm glad we're getting some time in.  He's had a lot going on to say the least, and I hope the time together will help.  We're going to a rope event where we'll see some friends, and I've been invited to hang out with some of his friends while I'm up there as well.  It should be a good thing.

After that, because some folks aren't going to summer camp, I've invited them down to at least have some social time, and do random dopey fun stuff.  I'm still trying to put details together, but that'll be fun too.

I'm trying to balance a lot, and while right now there's a ton of things happening, I'm also trying to do a lot, and there is so much potential for good.

Thursday, August 03, 2017

Accepting

When I was sixteen, I remember sitting at the computer, and deciding that at some point, I wanted a body piercing.  Because it was me, I then went about researching different piercings to see exactly what I wanted done.  Most of the piercings out there looked at the time rather unappealing to me, but I really enjoyed the way pierced nipples looked.  I loved them, and decided that I would at some point have it done.

Well, then I was dating the gnome, who, along with any other form of self expression I wanted, tried to fight against me ever having the piercing done.

Then, on April 21st of 2011, I decided to go and have them done.  It was a gift to myself for finally getting rid of the gnome, and gaining new independence and sense of self.

I unfortunately had also already started playing with Thrax.

Well, he decided that these piercings were something that he didn't need to care about.  He pressured me to stretch them faster than they should be, and if I went to stretch them while he was around, he would force the taper through thinking he was being funny, even when I'd told him that he was actively causing injury rather than stretching.  He would ignore my asking him to avoid them by yanking on the jewelry constantly.  I had to fix multiple blowouts, and he would only stop when my nipples started bleeding.

They were left in a state of near constant pain.  Where almost any contact was insanely painful, and it very rarely ceased.

I can't tell you how many guys would see my piercings, and when I told them not to mess with them because it hurt, they would think of it as them being sensitive.  They didn't know that my no is always a hard no, and that it didn't mean an invitation to go in and be grabby, but that it was unsafe pain.

And so with two partners who understand the state they've been in, I've now had a body part that was in constant pain and having to be constantly careful of six years, that can't have any contact.  What was worse was knowing that it wasn't my fault, but the disrespect of others.

A few days ago, I pulled the trigger and removed the jewelry.

It's still weird to look at, but I was in so much pain that day that I couldn't deal with it any longer.  I've never had to remove a piercing before, and especially not one because of someone else's actions.

It sucks.  A lot.

I keep being asked if I'm going to try again after they heal.

I already see scar tissue forming on the outside, and my nipples won't go flat like they used to.  There is permanent damage, and I don't know if that will affect future healing.

Right now, I just want to not be in pain.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Lines

I've been seeing a ton of stuff all over about how women are avoiding lines on their faces, and winding up with any signs of aging, or marks on their faces.

That these lines are frowned upon, because skin should be perfectly smooth without any signs of anything.

And, maybe it's me being more masculine, but unlike most of my body, I have no problem with the lines on my face.  In fact, I'm kind of proud of all of them.

My smile lines mean I've laughed, and found happiness in things despite how my life has been.

The lines starting to form near my eyes don't mean I've scowled, but that I've smiled with my entire face, in a way that couldn't be mistaken.

Even the lines in my forehead, are because I fought.  I fought for respect, and to be treated like a person, and these lines show me that I refuse to back down.

I'm reminded of who I am by the lines that have formed on my face, and what I've stood up through, and what I've done.

And if me finding any sort of happiness, or having strength makes me less attractive, then they can kiss my ass.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Turning Wheels

Lux came by the night before my birthday, because we hadn't seen each other in so long.  We didn't get to go out, but at least got a couple hours to hang out and snuggle, which we both needed.

It also meant I got to give him his birthday present, which was a heavy as hell flogger with monkey fists at the end of each fall.  He'd mentioned wanting one in the past, and so I of course put way more thought than necessary into every step, and it wound up with a ton of detail.

And, being me, and not doing nearly as many projects as normal because of my mental state, was beyond overly critical about it.  He loved it though.  He kept checking it out, and thanking me, and saying he was going to kill people with it.

It reminded me of how I function so much better when I'm making something.  That I'm someone who feels fulfilled with creating, and having projects to look forward to.

I'm a builder, and a creator, and someone who needs to be constantly learning and expanding while working at things, and sharing them with other people.

Shortly after thinking that over, I decided to take on some new projects, which will take a lot of time, and hopefully look really amazing.

I'm diving head first into a ton of things, and that will hopefully help me.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Orbit

It's my birthday!

I've spoken on here a few times before about how I usually dislike my birthday.  That things tend to explode, and I wind up just being upset and alone.  Like with other things, I wind up being forgotten.

This year, I made the decision to hide my birth date on all social media.  While I'd done this as a social experiment in the past, which proved positive to my thoughts, this time it's a bit different.

I dislike the idea of social obligation and going through the motions.  I enjoy things to be real, and honest.  I often don't do a lot of things that might be expected of me with certain people because it's more social obligation, and because it isn't completely heartfelt, I skip out, and it puts me in worse graces of some.

But, I've gotten old enough that I don't give a shit about everyone liking me.  I'm far too strong a personality, and rarely censor myself, and that's going to put off a lot of people.  I however will go to the ends of the earth for the people I do care about.

And in the same vein, rather than have a ton of people appear, I'd rather have the people who actually know things say something to me.  Rather than slapping a button for social graces, I hear from a couple people who give a shit.

But if that brings a hundred down to two, at least I have two people who put in the genuine care.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Odd One Out

So, this person who was projecting the other day.  What was he projecting about you may have asked?

Well, he's been consistently saying lately that he doesn't feel like he is represented anywhere, and that he has no specific place that he fits into and belongs.  That he feels like an outlier.

And I think that was why he was trying to claw for something.  He wanted to cling to an idea that he could relate to, that it would give him something he held in common.

But, you'd think that he would have looked at me, and realized that he was talking to the wrong person in that moment.

I can't actually remember a time at which I was around incredibly similar people.  My friends are generally of a different gender.  Any nerdy circles I go into often don't share my other hobbies.  My taste in media is often odd.

I'm a weirdo, and that's never been something that bothered me.

I don't look for a circle to fit into.  I look for singular people to bring into my life and be decent friends.  People who accept that I am weird, and unrepentantly me.  That I am going to be odd in any scene, and rather than that make me a freak, that makes me shine.  That I bring something new and original to everything I do, and everywhere I go.

Being different is what you make it.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Don't Understand

I had an exchange with someone the other day, where simply poking fun, and a single comment spurned a spiral of butthurt that I couldn't comment on there any longer because I knew it wouldn't be heard.

However, I knew a good chunk of it was mistargetted projecting, and I very nearly flipped.

This person, who I will admit is of a minority, happened to say that I didn't know about under-representation or toxicity in the geek community.

Let that sink in.

Give it a minute.

Read it over again.

He told an Agender female bodied person who attends events and hobbies solo that they don't understand toxicity in geek culture.

Because, when I was a young teen, there were tons of girls playing magic who didn't just do so because their boyfriend did.  That I was spoken to as though I knew the game, and that people didn't just think they could take advantage of me.  That my consistently goth and masculine preference was absolutely accepted by everyone.

And that a few years later, I didn't have guys hopping in front of me at larps.  That I was treated like a competent fighter, and not just like a piece of meat.  That men weren't intimidated by me, and constantly tried to target me.

I've never given a shit about toxicity in the geek scene.  I know most of the guys out there are assholes who think they have something to prove.  I know I intimidate people, and I know I can back up every word I say when I walk up to someone.  However, I am more aware than anyone of the toxicity in this world, and to even bring it up to me in any context as though I'm unaware is simply a cry of your own insecurity.

(Written before going to play D&D with old larpers and while listening to video game music)

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Don't Always Work

I've noticed the term "Queer" becoming a catch-all for most people who fall into non-hetero or non-cis folks.  And I know that for a long time it was considered a slur, and this is sort of the phase of taking it back, and giving the term a more positive presence.  It's increasingly common amongst a lot of people I know as a way of explaining orientations, and I just can't get used to it.

I don't remember myself ever using it as an insult in any way, but I did say queer by its literal definition as being strange or abnormal.  It was definitely a part of my long goth phase where I wanted to sound poetic and cool.  Then I just became a goth that didn't give a fuck.

Anyway, even though time has passed, it still takes the same place in my head, and now, that's very conflicting.

You have people claiming to say that there is no normal in terms of sexuality and gender, and heteronormativity is something to be fought against so they can be acknowledged as the same as anyone else.  Under the same breath though, they describe themselves as abnormal because they aren't under the heteronormative umbrella.  It's more than a little hypocritical, and I don't know how many people catch that.

I'm wondering if the movement is just something to feel like they belong to something, after actually feeling queer for long due to the idea of normality being pushed on them.  Now that we are fighting for this visibility and equality amongst people though, the word loses a lot of meaning when it's increasingly more common to be in a room with a person who isn't either heterosexual or cis-gendered.

I feel like it's a case where if you're fighting for one, it removes any progress by trying for both.

Sunday, July 09, 2017

Stupid, silly, funny things

To start this off, I need to explain a couple small things in order to get even more humor from this.  

My sister and I both have broad shoulders, and small breasts.  Boobs never really appeared for us, and even through my pregnancy, I simply actually fit into the B-cup bras that I'd only had because my mother refused to accept that I was actually an A-cup.  My mother on the other hand, has ginormous boobs, and has often spoken of her disbelief of my chest size.  To mess with her further, I often point out while finding clothes for squishy, that bras my size can be found in the children's section.

Anyway, on to the silliness.

Apparently, while squishy was gone, my mother had bought her training bras, because I don't know why.  The evening after she got home, she was laying with me as we watched something nerdy, and ma was trying to get her away to be up her butt and get her ready for bed.

Ma got Squishy into her room by asking if she'd seen the new things in her room.  Squishy, thinking this was the books she was only mildly interested in (because my mother is bad at knowing what Squishy actually enjoyed) walks in slowly, thinking that's the end of it.

I then hear her ask what something else is for, and then she comes in to my room, saying that she had new bike shorts for under dresses, and bras.

Now, Squishy is eight.  She still has a couple years until puberty kicks in, and has no need whatsoever for bras.  I walk in, because this is obviously my mother just deciding to buy needless shit again.  Ma says they're for undershirts, which I still think is a little bit bullshit, and take a look.

They look like sports bras, and are a kids large, which is still too big on her, but ma buys everything too large for Squishy, and makes excuses, but doesn't stop Squishy from hating most of it.  I look at the size of the bras, and say they might fit me.  Ma starts hollering that they won't fit, and that they're a children's.  Refusing to let this opportunity go to waste, I take the hanger with both bras into my room, giggling like crazy, as Squishy follows me in.

Welp, they fit.  And not like snug digging in.  They fit perfectly, with plenty of stretch left in the fabric.  Squishy and I can't stop giggling as I walk out of my room to show ma, and she can't help but grumble, still in disbelief that I fit into kid's training bras.

About to turn twenty-nine, still look sixteen, and able to fit into bras for grade schoolers.  Things that I will always giggle over.

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Four Years

I looked down at the date on Tuesday, while having a particularly difficult day for a ton of reasons, and realized that it was four years to the day since Thrax and I broke up.  I mentioned it to Lux, and that I should do something he would have hated.  He jokingly just said "Yea, forget about him."

 And while yes, it's best not to dwell on the past, and it's not like I went out of my way to remember it, or had even thought about it before that moment, it's not the best thing to completely forget.

I don't think back on him fondly.  I don't think about it and blame myself.  I think about it, and remember the things he did.  How often he lied, or kept secrets, or tried to manipulate me, gaslight me, and use me to do whatever he wanted with disregard for myself.

I try not to fixate on it, but I do think about it and feel glad that it's been gone from my life.  That I keep it in mind so I never do deal with it again.  It's something to acknowledge and learn from, which means never forgetting what I learned and why.

So, yes, this is something to remember and celebrate.  Celebrate that I've grown beyond abusive partners.  That I won't stand for any shit.  That surrounding myself with healthier people is something that promotes growth in itself, and means I will continue to grow so much further than they ever will.

Sunday, July 02, 2017

Sometimes Boys are Good and Cute and Dumb

Right now, a ton of vidja games are on sale, and so this week has had a super dopey thing going on, but it's kind of funny in its own way.

I decided it was a good time to pick up some new games for myself, as they are really cheap, and my wish list was piling up.  I had a gift card I'd use to get a couple little things for myself, and something for Lux and I to play together.

Well, I asked him which of two games he'd rather play with me, having told him about them both in the past, and that we would probably have a lot of fun with them.  Instead of getting a response, he buys me both, with a note saying he was sorry for being a dick lately.  Well, not only was he not being a dick lately, but now I needed to figure out what to get all over again.  I had wanted to be nice, and not make him buy games for once, and he did it anyway.  Which in ways was irritating, and cute, but still a little disheartening because I had wanted to be the one to pick things up for a change.

So, I'm trying to figure out what to do now, and realize that I can pick up something for Pyre that I have, as well as Lux and Kitty, so we can all play together.  I run the idea by Kitty, and he immediately says that he loves the idea, and is going to leave money for Pyre to buy the game himself, but I'm to tell her what to get.

Well, damnit.  I had wanted to get it, and yet another boy jumped out in front of me.  And I know they're being helpful, and it is cute, but they're also keeping me from helping.

So I bought her the game first, before he had the chance.  Because I wanted to help and send fun things.

I also may have sent her an anime boobylady game because I had enough left after picking up what I wanted.  So, I get to help extra.  Even Lux said it was a good idea.

I'm helping!


Thursday, June 29, 2017

A Hopeful Wake up

A while ago, my mom and I were out to lunch after running a bunch of errands.  We're sitting in a local diner, waiting on our food, and she mentions how my old man refuses to do anything for himself, and has never actually had to do for himself.  We talk about it for a bit, and then she makes the comment of "You had better hope I outlive him, so that you don't have to take care of him."

And I didn't even pause before responding.  I told her that she had better hope one of her other kids steps up, because I'm not doing it.  That with how he treats me every day if he says I'm too stupid to have a conversation with, that I'm too stupid to take care of him.

I said it very plainly, and sternly, and she just looked at me as if something clicked and she was afraid.  She didn't argue, or respond in any way, and just sat quietly for a moment.  As if in that moment, she realized that her husband is actually abusive, and that I sit and tolerate more than she knows, but that there are some consequences.

At least, I hope that's what it was.

Because if this is something that actually sticks, in a way that didn't cause he to just attack me where we were, she may have started to get the necessary kick in the ass of just how toxic the two of them are.

They've both fought growth and emotional maturity for so long that it's going to take more than just that one kick in the ass, but if this is the first step, maybe some day I'll actually be treated like a person.

I doubt it though.  I'm probably much better off just permanently cutting them from my life at the first chance.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Hippy Dippy Junk

I like to consider myself pretty low maintenance in the scheme of things.  I don't do any real stuff for my skin, and use cheap soaps and shampoos.  My makeup comes from the drugstore, and I'm not into all sorts of vitamins and meds all the time.

And this is where the warning comes up.  This is gonna contain a ton of talk about my cycle and bits.  If you wanna be a weenie, go away.

I've been getting my period like clockwork since I was ten.  The only times I've ever not gotten it right on time is either when I was pregnant, or twice because my stress levels were through the roof.  In fact, I got the IUD I currently have (and plan to stick with, but more on that in a minute) because it would not remove my period.

However, even though it was regular, and my flow has never been super incredibly heavy, I have also always had absolutely intense pain during my period.  When I was a teenager, and trying to tell my mother about it, she would say she was going to call the doctor, and never did because she didn't want to feel like she had to get an exam herself as well.  By the time I could have called and found a doctor myself, I was pregnant, and had to go for that anyway.

While in high school, I would often have to go home early because the pain was so bad, and considering my own pain tolerance on a normal basis, should say something about how extreme my period has been.  Once I got my IUD, one of the most common side effects was heavier period cramping, and I still decided on it, because the pros to me outweighed the cons so much.

Well, it turned into me feeling like I was in labor for several days every month.  I would take pain meds, and it was like a roll of the dice every time to see if they would even work.

Recently, I decided that I'm done with this level of pain, and I needed to find something that would make it a little easier.  I picked up a heating pad, but before that, I started taking tumeric.  It's supposed to help with inflammation, and can help with cramping and lighten flow.

A month later, I get no warning cramps to say my period is going to happen like I normally would.  A few days later, and my period arrives with no other physical symptoms.  The next day, I should be in excruciating pain, but feel my uterus contracting with no cramps.  It's the weirdest feeling ever.

Eventually, I did feel some cramping, but nothing near what I had the month before, and a dose of ibuprofen took care of it without issue.  My period was also a day shorter than normal.

I may be low maintenance about almost everything, but if one supplement a day means my period is tolerable and I can function better through it, I'm all about it.

Slowly, I may be becoming a crotchety old hippie.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Unfortunate Lessons

It seems like the end of the year is always really hard for Squishy.  She's now done with school for the year, and the last month or so has been a lot of talking with her about things.

There are some girls in her class that would flip flop with day by day.  One day she'd be telling me they were attacking her, lying to everyone about her, and yelling at her on a near daily basis.  Then she comes home and says they were nice and asks me if they can come over.

And, I know I can't control who she's friends with.  I can however try to talk to her about what is and isn't healthy behavior in people you keep as friends.

She later would tell me about how she would get told off and attacked whenever she didn't want to play the same things as them, and would even do what they wanted for a little bit of time, wanting to compromise, and they would go off on her.  Then, whenever she would ask if someone else in the class wanted to play, these girls would walk up and say they were already going to play with them, not even giving these kids a chance to answer.

It's hard to explain to an eight year old that even though someone is attacking her, she isn't do anything wrong.  That she needs to just keep being her, and that she is a good person at heart, even if she does have a hell of a bossy streak, and does still need to learn a lot.

I've had to explain to her that anyone who only wants you around when you just follow and blindly obey isn't the kind of person you want to be around.  That healthy, decent people consider those around them, and find a way to make themselves happy while doing so.  That friends can argue every day, but those arguments aren't attacks, and you don't use the other person as a distraction to do things you know are wrong.

It's the things you don't think about as a parent that are the hardest sometimes.  And they're important things to learn in life, but you still hate seeing your kid have to learn them, especially so young.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Stuck on a Theory

So, I said I would talk more about Zero, and things going on with him that have me rather cranky.

I had to be all pride though, cause it's the thing to do.

Last time I talked to him, I was trying to make plans for us to hang out, because it's been a while, and he keeps saying he's missed me.  I made a few suggestions of dates that worked with his schedule, and he started saying that he wasn't sure, and might be hanging out with "the girlfriends".

To which, I asked if this new girl had flat out said she wanted poly and to date.  He said "Not yet, but just taking it day by day".  Bitch, if you already started calling this person your girlfriend, when she isn't, and hasn't yet said she wants to be, you aren't taking it "day by day".  You're reaching for an ideal situation in your head, and don't want to accept that things might not be that way.

We continue talking though, and he fills me in that this girl has a ton of serious medical problems.  Like, life threatening, long term permanent medical problems.  And I tell him that he needs to just be patient, and present, and that she probably doesn't have spoons for a relationship on top of everything else.  That just being there might be all that she can handle right now.

He agrees, and we keep talking.

Then he drops the line "I will have her.  She will be mine"

And I'm immediately saying in a most furious manner, "The fuck you say?  Be happy that she is there.  Be happy just having a part of her life.  Don't fixate on a title or specific relationship."

He says very plainly "I'm not after a title"

Ok, you're already calling her your girlfriend, and saying you want her to be "yours".  You are after a title, you are after a picture perfect closed poly triad, and won't see any other situation, and that's being a piece of shit.

If your ability to be happy with a person is entirely dependent on the title and situation attached to them, you don't give a shit about the person.  He isn't interested in building a friendship with this person, just blindly pushing for a picture in his head, and that's shitty for everyone involved.  Unfortunately, no matter how much I repeat myself, it appears he is too fixated to understand that.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Pride Part Are You Tired of This Yet?

Happy Agender day!

As much as this is something that I've actually used to identify me for the shortest time, it's something I've been aware was different about me since I was my daughter's age or younger.

That I didn't recognize any sort of difference between people in regards to their gender, but simply found myself getting along better with boys.  Apparently, the gender divide was already there and strong, because other girls had a lot of issues with that, and attacked me over it.

As I got older, and started to actually have some personal agency over myself (because my family) I found myself wanting to present more masculine, and of course my family then started to shame on me, and again refuse to let me look the way I wanted.  My father still hates that I keep short hair, but he can blow goats.

No real terms for me have ever fit.  In fact, most gendered terms besides pronouns kind of make my brain tweak because they just feel wrong.  Even though I can't correct the majority of people I come into contact with because I know it'll be just cause me to be attacked and gaslit, even though I feel like it's something that fits me correctly.

Since actually deciding on this, I feel more like me.  As though I can embrace this as something that explains me in a more true fashion, that gives me a static identity and leaves no expectations on how I have to be.

This gives me the chance to feel like me, and so much more than when I was younger, and didn't understand why I couldn't just be a person.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Pride Part Two!

Is Polyamory day!

I always want to type polyarmoury.  Nope, that's Lux's closet.

Poly is something I've had to do a lot of talking about lately.  With Zero in his situation (more on that later on because holy hell) it's been kind of awesome to realize that this is an aspect of my life I can actually reflect on and talk about, rather than only having shitty experiences, or flailing with nerves.

Also, I still swear I'm the only person who could manage to accidentally poly.  No idea how to pick up partners even if I wanted to.  Cute boys fall into my lap apparently, and then I decide I like them.  Could be worse.  I think being a nerd that cooks helps.

Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't preach any particular lifestyle as being better than any other.  So long as it's healthy, and fulfills the people involved, then it's awesome.  If it came down to it, I could probably have one partner again and be happy, so long as things were done in a respectful manner.

However, I don't want to do that right now, because cute boys are cute, and I would like to keep them around for a while.

My current poly situation, even with distance, has given me a ton of good experiences.  I feel like I can speak freely with them, which is something I have been able to do very seldom in my past, and even with many people in my life now.  I have no need to feel jealous, and while things are nowhere near perfect, they're each healthier dynamics than most people have probably ever had.

And, honestly, this isn't much easier or harder for me that any other type of dynamic to balance, other than having to make sure I give time to multiple people.  Distance really does make it more difficult than anything, but both boys being around doesn't create nearly the challenge that I had anticipated.  That is probably partially due to me being mentally prepared for it needing a ton of work, and because they're both fantastic.

Unfortunately, I still need to keep quiet about things at home, which is incredibly unfortunate, but it's just one more thing on the pile of not being allowed to be me the vast majority of the time, and then being told I'm a thousand horrible things that I'm not on a daily basis.

The people that put you down for who you are don't want to accept the variations of the world, but this is something I am proud of, because I am incredibly proud of the people in my life.