Thursday, March 15, 2018

Taking Back Time

I've been continuing to try and find ways to help my mind settle out at all.  While everyone here tends to try and make me feel worse, I can't let myself stew in where I was, or even where I am now.

With that, I've been trying to constantly ask myself what I can do with the time I have in that moment.  What can I do to be more productive.  To help someone, or to accomplish something myself.

So, no matter how small a thing, I've been working to do more.  Finish more books, draw for more coloring books, make myself work out, be present for others. 

And while the people I live with may dig into me more than is even remotely healthy, I'm doing something about it.  I'm trying to help my own mind, because with where I was, I'm honestly not sure how long I would have lasted.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Suit Up

Since I was in about middle school I suppose, and my mom could no longer control what I wore as much, I have been more drawn to men's clothing.  Being more masculine, and my body dysmorphia really starting to kick in had me wearing clothes to hide myself, and really embrace the more goth industrial style that I still haven't given up.  

As a bit more time went on, I found myself more drawn to feeling tailored and put together.  By the middle of high school, I was wearing some semblance of a suit almost every day.  Still with goth touches, but opting for vests, waistcoats, and blazers.  I did what I could to look well put together, but still have a very unique style.

The difficult part of this was that I couldn't shop in the men's sections.  With the curves I have, women's clothing rarely fit me properly, let alone the square cuts of masculine clothing.  

Then, after having squishy, before I had even gotten down to my pre-pregnancy size, the gnome lost everything I had owned, and my closet of suits along with it.  I was forced to change my personal style for what he permitted me to wear, only letting me get the cheapest of clothing as I dropped weight, while he spent hundreds on unnecessary things.

And so my style had to evolve again, to something a bit more feminine, but feeling like me.  Looking strong, and unique, and definitely feeling like it belonged.

But in the last year or so, with my head space being where it has been, I've been encouraging myself not to wear what's easy, but what makes me happy.  While I may not own a lot of that anymore, it has me feeling drawn yet again to suits, and classic men's fashion.

I feel like overall I've been wanting to embrace my masculinity a lot more.  In how it has that tendency to be more unapologetically me.  When I can get things cut well, to make me look curvy, strong, and dapper as fuck. 

Maybe some things aren't a dumb teenage phase, but things to embrace.

Now I just need to figure out where to find women's vests again.  And everything ever in pinstripes.

Thursday, March 08, 2018

A Kick

This week, I've been focusing on all the things that have fallen to the side which I know are killing my mindspace. 

Trying to contact people, and keep up conversations.  Making plans, and doing things. 

I've been diving into what art I can, and books as well. 

Making myself stay active.

All things that I know help me function and keep from wanting to curl up in a ball the way I was.

I need to keep kicking myself in the ass to make all these things habit again.  I can't let them fall aside like they were.

Sunday, March 04, 2018

Random Switch

Since the weather has been nicer lately, especially for being knee deep in winter, we all decided it would be a good idea to get Oliver's pass for the dog parks in the area early in the year.  This way we could utilize nice days with letting him run about off leash, meet other dogs, and be social.

Except not when it's rainy because he wants nothing to do with even the slightest drizzle.

Anyway, while on the way to pick up his pass, just heading down some back roads, the idea pops into my head of finding some boy to choke.

Unprompted, and out of nowhere, I found my sadist perking up with a vengeance.  The intense craving to find a nice sweet boy, pin him to the wall by his throat, and beat the shit out of him.  The weirdest part is that it wasn't only a nonsexual craving, which is very uncommon for me.  Normally all of my topping, and most of my play in general is incredibly nonsexual.

That might be because of the long dry spells I've been having.

Either way, it's been a while since I've had any real heavy cravings like that, and even longer with me as a top.  I feel like even though my stress levels are insanely high right now (to the point of physical symptoms) my mind is trying to get me to move toward being myself again.

Gotta get there, a little at a time, and right now, that involves fun violence.

Thursday, March 01, 2018

Predatory Nerding

There's a new game coming out in a week or so.  One I had heard about, and initially, I had actually sent over to Lux because it sounded funny.  It's a game about trying to pick up women, and I thought it would be a full comedy type thing similar to the old Leisure Suit Larry games which I have loved for far longer than would probably be appropriate.

However, then I found out the creator is making this as a serious advice tool, and has written books, and teaches workshops on pick up artistry.

As a side note, because my view on this is probably obvious, I tweeted about how this will likely have a poor effect on gamer culture as a whole, and push away female gamers and nerds even more than they already are.  The creator of the game liked my tweet.  Pretty sure he's too dumb to realize what his game is going to do.

Back on topic, I saw footage of the first four levels of the game.  And rather than finding it funny, I just found it more and more infuriating.  It tries to have outlandish wrong answers, that are probably meant for joking fantasy fodder, but every single one has been tried on me, and I'm sure assholes will be likely to try it again, wanting to take the commentary as a challenge.

To top it off, the creator of the game gives reasons why things should or shouldn't work.  In the first two levels, he tells you to confront women in a way that doesn't let them get away, not to let them speak, so that they can't say no, and to corner them in conversation and take away their independence. 

Congrats, you're encouraging abusive and predatory behaviors.  Because that isn't already a problem in geek cultures.

I wanted this to be dumb and silly and for Lux and I to play it and laugh at it, but instead it makes me want to punch things in not fun ways.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Disadvantage of Stereotypes

I'm reminded fairly often, but even more this week how my appearance affects how I will exist as a dancer.

I often see pictures of a dancer who started shortly after I began learning.  Her teacher wasn't certified with anyone, and had poor technique.  They had a small vocabulary, and every set they do is repetitive, and sloppily executed.  Over time, her technique has stayed in a way where she tries more to look sexy than show skill, and winds up looking like she's throwing her body around.

She however has long blond hair, and big tits, and looks like a stereotypical american cabaret dancer.

Meanwhile, I work my ass off to keep up strong technique, understanding of moves, and as broad a spectrum of styles and variations as possible.  I know my body will only do what I want it to do, without having the throw other parts of my body to make those moves look bigger.  I dance not to look sexy, but as self expression.

And because I do that, with small tits, a mohawk, and very unconventional music and costuming.  It's meant to have fun, and pour myself on the stage, rather than look like every other dancer and incite boners.

And that, while it gets me remarked upon by other dancers, means the majority of people will look at her as a better dancer just off of her appearance.  People will hire her over me, and she'll get further with less work.

It's one of those reasons to never judge a book by its cover, because damn it, that standard package doesn't make a good dancer.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

The Strangeness of Society

Recently, the game Catherine has been stuck in my head.  It's something that covers the idea of relationships in modern Japanese culture, communication, and morality.

The game flat out asks your opinion at regular intervals on various subjects pertaining to relationships.

And, I find that it becomes really hard to figure out how I would answer these questions, because they very much bank on the idea of monogamy.  That textbook cookie cutter relationship idea that is the standard in Japan.

Even as a nerd, I have difficulties due to non-monogamy.

Luckily, the game is being remade, and set to come out in the next year or so.  Maybe then it'll have more aspects of polyamoury in it, which I think will even add further complexities to the game overall.

Either that or from now on I just need to tell everyone to fuck off in the game, because they're honestly all lying bitches.

Yup, that sounds like the best idea.

No bitches trying to corner me into what they want by lying and trying to force me to do shit.  I do what I want!

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Unreal Expectations

I made the mistake of looking at an article on the internet.

It talked about all the things that should happen in a healthy relationship, and, I found it angered me more than anything.  It made claims that were so unrealistic, I knew it would do more harm than good to the world.

It talked about how when you have the right partner, there is no work, and you never disagree.  That you never get nervous or second guess yourself.

All relationships take work.  Every single one of them.  Constant work, through good times, and through bad.  And in those bad times, while we process things, it's normal to worry about your partner and how they're doing, or what you can do to help.  It's going to be harder than others at some points, but it's never effortless.

Not only that, but no two people are exactly the same in every way.  There's going to be some things people disagree on.  That's what makes us all unique and dynamic beings.  Looking at it and being open to discussion is what makes it healthy, and knowing what things you need to hold on to tightly, and being able to express that is what's important.

Articles like that create these expectations of hunting after a perfect picture.  That we can throw people away who may be healthy for us, because they have some superficial flaw.

And, those small things aren't what we should throw away, but learn that they are part of the greater, and more amazing person than any attempt at perfection could ever be.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Visits and Learning

Lux came down last weekend so we could have time together before he gets sent off for work again.  We hadn't seen each other in almost two months, and we didn't want to add at least another month to that.

Needless to say, he and the pup got along well, and they snuggled a ton.  In fact, when he went to leave, Oliver tried to sit on his feet to keep him here.  They were adorable.

We had a ton of stuff we wanted to do and talk about and all that.  Things to discuss for the year, and start plotting.  Of course, we did none of that.  We snuggled, and babbled, and took time to just not be doing.  Because in a way, that was what we needed.

And I noticed, just how bad my mental space is.  I was with someone who brings me so much happiness, and I found very little peace just being there with him.  That I'd hit an almost numb state.

Which just means working harder and doing more to break out of it.

Shit to be done.  Happiness to make.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Craving the Fix

I've noticed more and more lately, that in the midst of my mind slowly getting back to normal I'm finally wanting play and kink again.  I want forceful play for the fun of it, and to enjoy the time with people.  I want more opportunity to do the things that bring me mental peace, and help me clear my head.

And I notice that in the last few days, I want very possessive power exchange.  Less of the passive exchange we're used to, which is rarely brought up unless attached to an action.  More active emphasis on the dynamic, control, and ownership.

It's rather unsurprising honestly.  I've been feeling rather alone lately, and barely having contact with others, or a positive influence.  In my day to day, I have several people telling me negative abusive things, and while I don't believe them, I don't have much if anything telling me otherwise.

I'm craving something to make me feel wanted.  Something to make me feel like I make a positive impact, and like I'm worth keeping around.  And while I don't like overly possessive people who are simply insecure, little reminders of established connection, desire, and presence using that sort of dynamic are incredibly centering to me.

Maybe I'll be able to have more of it soon.  And keep trying to work toward finding a better mental space.

Thursday, February 08, 2018


A while ago, I noticed a small dry spot on my eyelid.  It was weird, but stayed pretty small, and was barely noticeable.  I used moisturizer, and it seemed to keep it from getting worse.  Well, weeks later, another spot appeared, which was a bit more visible.  I kept going with forms of moisturizer, in hopes it would take care of it.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago, my eyelid is red and patchy.  It's very obviously eczema.  On my eyelid.  Luckily, it's easily covered by makeup if I need to go out.  

I wake up last weekend, and my right eye is swollen half closed.  The eczema is bright red, and has covered my entire eyelid.  

Well, as if I needed something else to kick my dysmorphia up some more.

I found out coconut oil is amazing for eczema, and safe on my eyes, and it's been helping, but still.

I'm barely able to work out right now due to Oliver being here, and I have a cold.  Now, my eye is exploded.

I spent the weekend wanting to curl up in a ball and never look at a person again.

At the same time, I'm completely beyond running on fumes mentally due to not seeing anyone for so long.  

I was so stressed and mentally fucked over it messed with my cycle.  I noticed my ovulation signs a few days later than expected.

I know these things are temporary, and they're all getting better, but this has definitely given me a hard kick.

Sunday, February 04, 2018


One more post on consent, because it has been an explosive topic here right now.

With Lux and I being so close to a lot of the issues right now, we've been discussing a lot of the things going on. 

A few days ago, we were discussing how many of these people aren't malicious in their abuse.  They aren't purposeful predators, and that while they need to acknowledge the things they do, leaving them completely abandoned doesn't do anything to help that.  We also discussed how every circle, and at any time in my life has been full of abusers, and rapists, and complete assholes.

It made me bring up how often people would excuse away abusive behaviors years ago.  Sweep them under the rug in order to not make it a big deal.  Doing this was so normal, that we allowed minor toxic behaviors, and made everyone think these were perfectly ok.  And then those behaviors became acceptable, only to slowly roll along, with more and more of these things occuring, in different forms for different reasons.

And then we have a movement where people are encouraged to speak up and not stand for anything, when this baseline for what we previously acceptable, it actually nowhere near healthy behavior.

And to be honest, we're all to blame.

But the answer isn't just to shove these people away.  Much like when you put a child in time out, you teach a kid that when something happens they don't like to just ignore it.  When you suddenly take an abusive person and push them from a community, they just move onto another.

What we need to do is continue to call people out on behaviors, and follow up with healthy conversation to encourage us all to grow and become better. 

Thursday, February 01, 2018


With Valentine's coming up soon, I'm finding collections of fancy lingerie all over the internet.  While I think it's silly, I do sometimes check them just out of curiosity for society is pushing as necessary and attractive.

And, I don't like any of them.

Once in a while I see a cute bra, but all in all, I don't really like any of them.  It's all very feminine and shaped for super thin people with giant tits and little natural curves.  It also all looks like it's uncomfortable, and would feel awkward.

So, I looked up men's lingerie.

In the beginning of course I saw silly elephant thongs, and weird suspender undies.  After just a little scrolling though, I found some really fantastic stuff.  Pieces that were cotton, but with cute cut-outs, or big supportive garters.  Mostly short cuts, which seemed less confusing to put on, and more comfortable to wear, without the risk of them all being devoured by my butt.

If it weren't for the pouch on the front, I'd be looking more seriously into them.

I suppose this is one of those times when my being agender is more apparent.  I generally try to dress for my body type while feeling like me, which makes finding clothes fairly difficult.  I tend to have more masculine taste, but too many curves to just wear men's clothes.  And that becomes a challenge when not wanting underpants and bras that fit right and aren't just covered in flowers and bows.

I may experiment with some of these cute boy undies soon.  Maybe that pouch won't be as weird as it looks like it could be.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

No Matter what Size

With everything going on, Lux and I have been talking about safety at events.  How we both agree that we don't feel safe at any kink event right now.

Even he, as a very large top isn't safe.  And not only could he be targeted to have his consent violated, but have someone spread lies for whatever reason, and attack him in that way.

And he is in a situation where because he is a big tall menfolk, and being kinda black, he can't do much to fight back.

I mentioned that usually at events we tend to keep an eye on each other, and that's probably our safest option. 

Because if someone tries something with me, and I can't get myself out of it, I know he'll be able to help.

And if he's in a situation where he needs help, I have no problem stepping in and raising hell to whatever level he needs.  Where they can try to claim something about his size or being domly or whatever, they can't use that on me.

Luckily, he appreciates the fact that I will pull a knife on, or beat the shit out of people with no hesitation if they make me feel threatened.

It's an important thing to have someone with you that can throw down if necessary.  Which means I have to be that person for anyone else.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Everyone to Blame

Welp, the east coast is exploding.  We have tons of people coming out of the woodwork, talking about tons of consent violations, and abusive behaviors, and how horrible every top ever is.

But not about anyone fighting back.

Just that some person was being bad, and without correction, they continued to be bad, and they're bad, and I don't want to talk to them.

The problem with this, is that if you point it out, you get viewed many times as the villain.  You're victim blaming, and encouraging the abuser.

Except, here's the thing.  This is everyone's responsibility.

I've dealt with abuse for as long as I can remember.  I have memories of emotional abuse as far back as my daughter's age.  And I've been fighting to be treated as a person for that long.

While I was with the gnome, having had no example of a healthy relationship, I took a lot more than I should have without speaking up.  I will fully admit that I encouraged those behaviors at that time by not explicitly trying to be treated how I should be.  However, by the end I was constantly fighting, and met with gaslighting, which is why I knew he was a toxic abuser, and kicked him out.

With Thrax, I let things slide for a very short amount of time.  I quickly started demanding respect, which is why he started trying to lie more and go behind my back.  My fighting for better treatment made this abuse his fault.  He was, and is a toxic person, and refuses to change when people point that out.

I know some people are sometimes afraid of those that are abusive.  I know what it is to feel like you can't get away.  You need to do something though.  Because being silent and allowing anything is disrespectful to yourself, and gives them excuse for their behavior.

Find ways to fight.  Find ways to speak to the person, within a decent amount of time.  Show strength, and fight like hell.  Coming forth years later to say you allowed everything to happen, and they were never told they did anything wrong until you scream publicly doesn't make you someone to pity, it makes you someone who is also unsafe.

Sunday, January 21, 2018


Last year my social life took a hard dive.  It absolutely caused part of crash in my mental state, and why I felt like I haven't even had fumes to run on for almost a year now for the most part.

Such is the downside of being an extrovert.

This year, I want to spend more time with lots of people.  I want to get them together for movies.  I want to bring people around and do lots of cooking, and gaming and casual things.

I want to help create a space, no matter where we all are, where people can decompress and enjoy what's going on.

I need to find opportunities for this more often.

Sometimes, my being service oriented can't be denied in the slightest.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Finally at the End

This week is made of a ton of birthdays, and marks the end of the holidays for us.  My brother, father, and Squishy all have birthdays this week, which makes for quite a busy week between dinners and celebrating.

And from here, we actually slow things down for quite a while. 

Most people finished their holidays weeks ago.  Not for us.

However, this means I have more time and chances to spend time with friends, and make fun social plans, which is good to help my still horrible mental place. 

This is how we get better.  Find the good in the now, and work toward things improving even more.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Tropey tropes

Lux the other day started joking that he wanted a harem of anime waifu.  I thought about how all harem anime tend to go, and pointed out a lot of problems. 

And upon this, noticed how unhealthy of an example of poly most harem anime is.

There's unhealthy amounts of competition, everyone fighting for attention, where the center of the harem is too oblivious generally to try and balance them all.  There is also usually either pressure from inside the group, or even an external force trying to make the protagonist choose one romantic interest.

It both creates an idea of fantasy, as well as the pressures of our monogamist culture.

While yes, I will continue to giggle at harem tropes, but appreciate healthy poly practices in real life.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

A Long Journey

Long before I was born, my older brother was attacked by a dog.  In an attempt to keep him from being afraid of dogs, my parents decided they needed to get one.  Back then, ads in the paper were still safe, and they found a "free to good home" which they responded to.  The owners had to move to a small apartment, and didn't have space for him.

Well, no apartment would have been large enough for this dog, as he was a husky/malamute mix, and basically a big fluffy lion.  We found out the old owners were trainers, and when he saw my brother, licked him from feet to head, and walked over and sat at the door.  His name was Max, and he had picked us.

We had him for a long time, through a move, and the first few years of my life.  He died of old age, and it broke all our hearts.  My parents couldn't stand having another dog, so we went without for a long time.

Years later, my brother went through a bad break up, with a girl cheating on him and leaving without telling anyone, disappearing from even her own family's life in order to avoid him.  It broke his heart, and so again, my parents favored him, and told him he could get himself a dog.

He went to a shelter, and unfortunately, didn't look around very much, and found himself a husky.  We had him for about a month when he attacked my mom, and upon returning him to the shelter, was told that he had been brought back multiple times.  It put a bad taste in everyone's mouth, and we all wanted space for a while.

Then Squishy happened, and we couldn't bring another dog in.

So, fast forward again, and a couple months ago my parents go to spend a few days with a friend.  It's the first time they spend more than a couple hours with a dog in years.  They come home, and my mom is quiet, until she finally says that she's thinking about wanting a dog.

At the same time, a pup in Tennessee is in an overcrowded shelter.  He's highly placeable, but needs heartworm treatment, so he's still on the kill list.  Someone takes him into a foster, where he's taught some manners.  After a few weeks, a transport takes him, and brings him to another shelter in New Jersey.

Meanwhile, we're going through every shelter in the area.  Trying to find a dog that picks us, and is what we need.  I fall in love with one, who I still hope finds a home soon, but I'm told is too big.  My mom keeps falling in love with giant dogs that look like Max, thinking she'll find a perfectly trained dog, and telling people different things than what she actually wants.

Squishy comes home from winter break, and we go to a few more shelters.  In our last one for the day, we find a smaller mutt in a corner kennel.  He sees Squishy, and sploots down, giving a soft whine, and trying to get his nose under the door to get to her.  His butt wiggles, and he's only showing happiness over seeing us.

We're told we need to fill out an application before taking him into a room to meet him, because they only show dogs to approved adopters.  Which means waiting a full day to find out if we can check him out over a period of time.  I am full of excitement and impatience, as is everyone else.  The next day, I'm told we're approved, but another family applied first, and they need to have all their dogs and kids meet him before we get a chance.

Two more days of waiting, and I'm bracing myself for disappointment.  Two days later, and I get a call saying they passed on him, and we have an appointment for Sunday.  Two more days of waiting again.

Day of we are all impatient.  We get to the shelter way too early, and have to wait in the car until doors open.  Once we're in, they bring us into a room, and then bring the pup.  He's gentle, and just wants affection.  He is shy, but not afraid, and lets us handle him however we want, and shows lots of interest in Squishy.

And then we went to my sister's work, and picked up a ton of dog stuff.  We were told about his specific situation because he's still on heartworm treatment, and everything surrounding that, and brought him home.  His name is now Oliver, and he's bonded to me very heavily.  Now to make sure the rest of his life isn't as hard as it started.

Sunday, January 07, 2018

Feeling Better

I fell off my workout habit a lot over the holidays.  Being busy for everything going on made me start having excuses, and on the few weeks that I got good amounts of time in, holy shit I learned the difference it makes.

It affects everything for me.

My mental state, my body image, how I feel physically, it changes everything.

So this last week, even with the snow and everyone being home, and everything going on, I've forced myself to get in at least a half hour.  No excuses, and making sure I build the habit back up.

And I feel a world better.  I still feel very drained and in a shitty place, but nowhere near where I was last week, and noticing that I feel way better about the curves of my figure, and seeing how much and how quickly they change.

I still need to see more people, and actually get some time to recharge, but this is a step in the right direction.

And today we go see a pup that might just be coming home with us soon.  More on that later though.