Thursday, September 20, 2018

One Creates Another

I've been reading a lot of things lately about why people stay in abusive relationships, and how they wind up in them and such.

All people who have their own reasons, and stories about things.

It brought to mind that both of my siblings, as well as myself, have had abusive partners.  My brother is with one still, and my sister only isn't with one now because her current partner is completely dependent on her (I know those are not mutually exclusive, but he is legitimately afraid he would not survive without her care).

And it gives me that absolute definitive proof that we grew up in an abusive situation.  We were raised that emotional abuse was normal.  That it was an aspect of love.  That just because my parents stayed together and were abusive toward each other, they would be abusive toward us and it was fine.

They just assumed it was how things worked, and it's why they are nearing 40, and still in unhealthy relationships.  I fought from my daughter's age to be treated like a person, and was told that I should just agree with them.  To do what they want, and that I simply argue for the sake of arguing.

I saw abuse from a young age, but because I didn't have any example of what healthy looked like, or actual communication, it took me forever to learn it all the hard way.

I realized that while I may not have had experience in many healthy dynamics, I sure as hell knew what I didn't want to deal with, and what I didn't want to put people through.

Sometimes, we get trapped in abuse.  And sometimes you're simply taught that abuse is normal from day one.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Building to Kink

I don't play with a lot of people.

I have no problem with meeting people, and making friends, but I don't do a lot of pick up play.

And even more than that, I encourage vanilla time with kinky friends.  Long conversations about silly things, baking, and lots of fun mundane things.

I like the process of becoming friends.  I like learning about people, and having quality time.  When I meet new people, getting to have the time to build a real connection with them is my favorite.

Unfortunately, I find that a lot of people don't stick around for things like that.  If they don't get the time to play, they leave, and honestly, I'm ok with that.  I don't wait a long time, but I do give people a bit of time for me to actually get to know them.  I want to learn that they actually have interest in me and not just the idea of play.

I want to learn what we can do after.

I want to know what to expect from you the rest of the time.

Honestly, I would think that people would be more excited with this.  For me to actually show that I give a shit about someone as a person, and want to play with them rather than a skill set.  There are times when I will happily play with someone and do something that I'm not normally drawn to, because I enjoy the time with them.

It hits a point where play is simply an aspect of the friendship.  Another way for us to spend time together, like a bonfire, going for coffee, or playing games.  And that friendship gets to extend well beyond play, and not a case where a scene ends and we go about our ways.

I want to appreciate the vanilla things, so I can appreciate the play with the people I'm with.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Part of the Problem

I feel like for a long time now, we've tried to fight against the idea of "industry standard" appearance.

Various body shapes, without some cookie cutter size and expectation of beauty.

We encourage instances of magazine and marketing spreads that aren't touched up and altered digitally.

And yet, when it comes to our personal social medias, and building an audience on them, we are making it easier and easier to alter our appearance.  There are tons of apps which can change the shapes of our faces, or our bodies, or completely change the appearance of a photo.  It's become a tool that everyone uses, and it's become the new normal.

Hell, I've seen beauty youtubers make tutorials about how they use facetune.  Most new phones actually come with a "beauty filter" as the default setting to the front facing camera.

The average person now has simply accepted the tools to change appearance, and still claims that mass media photoshopping is wrong.

Let me repeat that.

Fashion articles are frowned upon to touch up high budget shoots, but it's the standard to alter yourself on fucking instagram until you are barely recognizable as a comparison with real life.

It's ok when we have it, but not for them, even though it makes it an even playing field.

And this is from someone with body dysmorphia.

We need to encourage truly untouched things.  Even if we wear makeup to feel put together, we need to find ways to make ourselves be happy with our appearance without the help of filters, or edits.

Somehow, we need to truly encourage that self love and having that confidence in how we look in the real world to also carry over into the internet, and have other people see that as well.

Sunday, September 09, 2018

Buckle Down

With everything going on after Pennsic, I took a week mostly to recover and clean up before telling myself that I had to get back to work on all the things I had intended to make while camping but didn't.

And what I couple of weeks it's been for productivity.

I finished and published one book, which people have been enjoying.  I made two things a friend asked for, a gift for Squishy's friend who has a birthday coming up, and started a new "modest" scarf for myself.  Oh, and something for Squishy too.

I've been getting Squishy ready for school, hunt down things she needed, and get her on schedule.

All the classes I want to put together have gone into the beginning assembly phases.

Another coloring book is about three quarters of the way done.

I've also looked into more methods of making money off my art, to really try and turn this into a career.

There was also one day when I got a huge kick in ass about the possibility to not be able publish anymore, which took some time to be able to fix.  One day soon I'll need to spend an afternoon doing a ton of boring responsible adulting instead of fun art-making.  Boo.

Apparently Pennsic gave me a good kick in the ass, and I'm trying to make and do all the things, and plans for more time out and social.

It's time to make the time.

Thursday, September 06, 2018

Personal Responsiblility

There are certain things we need to be sure to hold ourselves accountable for in casual settings.  We all need a level of self awareness and control, no matter what we're doing, or our orientation.

One morning at Pennsic, while we were all still shambling about and putting ourselves together, sipping coffee, and waiting on the shower, one of our camp mates was talking about her night.  She had met up with a well established domly person who no one is really terribly fond of, and was chatting with him.  Apparently at one point he started trying to use his domly voice, knowing he has tried to establish this over decades, and she responded by calling him sir.

She said it was compulsory, and while upset with herself, acted like it was just a reaction to domly behavior.

Lux and I spoke about this.  

About our disappointment on both parts.

That domly person sure as hell shouldn't be trying to manipulate people he thinks might be submissive with speaking like that.  He has no right to non-consentually behave in a manner of expressing power exchange in a casual situation without an established dynamic.  He should sure as hell be looking to work for that respect in submission rather than simply using some shallow tool to woo submissive behaviors.

And she should have had some self control.  Heard that tone of voice and either ignored it, or told him to fuck off.  It makes her way more of a doormat than she should be, and now he knows that he can do things with that in the future.

One of the things that Lux appreciates about me (and contributes to him definitely having a type) is that if he or anyone else tried that with me, I'd tell them off immediately, give them a big reality check, and probably emasculate them in the process.  It's expected of me, or any of his partners at this point. To be strong and sure, and unbending with anyone else, and contentedly hand over control with him, because he works constantly to earn that power exchange.

With great power comes great responsibility, and not only do we need to be aware of that, but we all need to hold ourselves accountable for the safety of everyone else.

Sunday, September 02, 2018

Closed Assumptions

While at Pennsic, one of the people in our camp started on the spiel about brats.  Something about having to keep them from bratting out of wanting something.

And, if it were a smaller circle of people, I would have spoken up, and I still should have, but I kept quiet.

I should have said that if people are bratting in order to get something, you aren't encouraging clear communication, or answering that communication with what they need often enough. 

That sometimes people, including me, have bratty behavior as a sort of affection, or just because it's part of their personality, rather than because they want something.

That if someone is being bratty all the time to where you keep expressing you don't like it, they're not a brat, but an asshole.

I feel like that person just had too old of an image of what bratting is, and promotes too much alongside that, rather than being open to the idea of things being outside the stereotype of brats acting up for attention.

I mean really, we all know that you get attention by bringing a domly person coffee and bacon.

That's what works for me anyway.

Really though, I have no problem flat out telling Lux that I want him to beat me up.  I have no problem saying I want some extra attention, or snuggles, or whatever, because I generally don't ask unless it's a pretty big thing.

My bratty behavior lets him know I'm ok.  It's my way of saying I'm comfortable enough to throw sass where I am, because I know I get quiet when I'm around too many new people, or I'm feeling awkward.  I also try to keep it to a minimum when Lux is having a bad day, or really isn't in a space to deal with it, because I respect his space.

I almost hate saying I'm a brat to any extent because of the stigma around it from people like them.  We are more than the stereotypes of the past.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Intent and Interference

Lux and I have had a plan for a particular scene for a while.  He wanted to have me suspended as a punching bag, and then turn it into an impact scene.  Needless to say, I had no issue with any part of this idea.  We just needed to take time to figure things out with blood pooling, and time restrictions and such for safety.

Well, one night at Pennsic, while we're all sitting in the dojo, Lux asks if I am up for doing it.  He ran it past a friend to rig me up, and everything was good.

The dojo was crowded, but I went up.  Lux started punching me, and jokes started being made.  At one point, I wound up completely lifting myself upright in laughter.  People commented about endorphins being built up soon, and such things.

At one point, since all my weight was on one wrap around my hips, the rope dug in so much that I needed to be shifted.  I wound up with raw spots after the fact, so I definitely needed to move.  The scene continued beyond that point though, and everyone enjoyed seeing it.

Here's the thing though.

We wanted it to be a serious torture scene.  With things that happened at Fusion, and talks afterward, we didn't want our usual giggly stuff.  Everyone else there is generally so lighthearted though, that jokes happened anyway.

With so many people in the dojo, Lux also couldn't safely get any solid hits in on me.  So while people were claiming I was going to be hit by endorphins, and I'd break down, even though he could probably drop just about anyone else there with a single hit, it wasn't near enough to really hurt me, literally because the setting wouldn't allow for it.

It's a shame, because we wanted it to work and have fun.

We've also talked it out about how to try again and make it work better in the future.

Just because it didn't work out this time doesn't mean it failed.  It just means we know what we need to plan for the next time.

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Brain Calming

Lux and I don't usually blatantly express how we feel about each other.  We generally just keep a healthy dynamic, include the other in things, and try to make the other feel cared for in our everyday gestures.

I am in general more affectionate than him, and even that isn't terribly much.  I often worry if he feels uncomfortable with me being more vocal or open about how I feel than he is.  Usually, I remind myself that he should feel cared for, and to use that affection as affirmation of that.

Lux however, very rarely if ever shows blatant affection.  It's sometimes a bit unnerving, because I don't know how he feels, even though I know he wouldn't include me in as much of his life as he does if he didn't care for me.

Over those weeks that we had time together though, there were lots of little affirming moments though.  Things that he probably didn't realize he did, or how much I appreciated it.

Things like expressing a dislike of him existing without me.  Of being protective of me, and his reaction to anyone causing me harm.  Of hopping up to take care of me when I wasn't feeling the best, or even when I just needed a moment in the shade.

They were all these little moments where I learned exactly how much he cares, and especially after a year plus of chaos and pain and healing, that was needed.

I saw Lux being more affectionate and caring than he'd ever been when he didn't have a second regular partner.  Whether that's him making growth in his own mind since all the breakups we've been together through, or healing after losing his father last year, or simply finally being comfortable with affection again, I'm not sure what's caused it, but I needed it, and I'm grateful for every last one of those moments.

Having this much time together, and being able to look at how things ebb and flow will never become dull, and I want to see what happens next.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Amusement from the Outside

One of the nice things about camping with this group is that they know a bit about our dynamic.  They also very respectfully acknowledge that I'm a switch, and just as much a sadist as I am a masochist.

They don't know a lot of the finer details though, and it leads to some moments that are a little funnier for Lux and I, albeit a bit awkward.

Things like being around other submissives who are looking at doing something for their partner, and asking what Lux needs, then they look at me like I'm supposed to do it, the way I did earlier.  Except that time I was also doing something for myself as well, and Lux had to take care of something else.  Lux still is becoming more comfortable with service when he isn't busy, and prefers to do for himself.  He also doesn't like not knowing how to do something himself, even if he will have it done for him when someone else is there.  So here I am being looked at, while Lux is getting up to do for himself, and I am looking back, knowing I'm still doing what I'm supposed to.

We're also pretty sure that they all think Lux and I switch with each other.  Many times people would make comments about me using topping techniques on Lux, or me trying to tie him up, and all such things.  We usually just giggle and shake our heads, rather than clearing it up, because it's fun to let them have those mental images rather explain everything.

I feel like everyone else has very simple and clear cut dynamics and relationships.  I'm happy being the one that no one quite has figured out.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

Shuffling

I'm back from Pennsic, and somewhat back to a normal routine.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.

Lux came down the weekend before Pennsic.  He had to travel for work, and so he brought his gear down early, so I could do any repairs, finish packing, and the like, while he was far away, without having to keep his gear in the truck for a week.  That weekend went fairly smoothly, and it was good to have the time with him. 

Early in the morning, he left for a flight, and was down in Florida for most of the week.  The plan was, for him to return Thursday, so we could have Friday to clean, pack the truck, and relax before driving out Saturday morning.

Well, weather decided that wasn't happening, and after many delays, he had to catch a flight Friday morning.  While watching the tracker for that flight, it literally looked like a toddler scribbling on the east coast to show where they were going.  I was a panic, but apparently Lux was fairly calm.  His flight wound up being sent to Virginia instead of near me, and so we were frantic looking for options to get him the rest of the way back.  A wait, and a short flight later, and he was back, to which I gave him so many hugs.

With all that, we were delayed a full day to get to Pennsic.  The day we wound normally spend travelling, we took our time getting things done, and making sure we were ready to go.  It was nice to spend that entire day getting things ready with Lux there honestly.  Not just for any help, but to be able to spend that time with him.

Finally, off to Pennsic we went, with a smooth ride, and made good time.  There were some very silly moments in the long drive, and we got in to find help to unload, and lots of hugs.  Instead of camping where we have in the past, we spent this Pennsic with kinky nerdy friends, and had to learn how that camp works.  In many ways, it was good, and camping with them in the future will mean we need to pack quite a bit less due to their community dynamic.

There were some downsides to this Pennsic though.  We didn't get out to any parties this year, aside from one where we were all working.  This camp is all very introverted, and so they would often rather stay in than go and adventure and experience Pennsic.  In many ways, it was draining to be the camp extrovert.  They are also very disorganized in ways that wound up also cutting our Pennsic shorter than we had planned, and we were in general rather uninformed about their camp.

However, I did get to experience some new interesting ties, saw some really inspiring performances, and got a chance to take most of the pictures for the Pennsic coloring book I want to get out this fall.  It was nice to see friends, and get to back to war after missing last year.

There's some things I'm not so fond of about that week, but I am hoping I can making something better of it in the future.

Once we were off site, we had a night in a hotel, tired and hungry.  We didn't stay with everyone else, because they were taking a different highway home.  We grabbed a room with one friend who was flying back, and had a quiet evening with decent delivery.

The ride home was smooth, but felt long.  Sunday was spent unloading, and starting all the wash, along with finally getting to a coffee house I'd been wanting to bring Lux to.  The next day, he was supposed to leave again for a conference, with a cancelled flight, and after much shuffling, finally went to a different airport to make it out.  I wound up with some form of dehydration and heat exhaustion, barely able to move all of Monday.  I was barely able to even fix myself a cup of tea.  Plenty of sleep had me feeling much better the next day though, and luckily, his flight home was quiet, and he got back barely awake, but safe.

We spent most of the next day together, trying to find some amount of normal again, and enjoying our last few hours before loading up the truck, and seeing Lux off home.

I enjoyed having him around so much again.  We spent as much time together in the last few weeks as we probably did all of last year.  Yes, there was a ton of things happening last year, but it doesn't mean I didn't miss him.

And it doesn't mean I don't already.  I'm glad we got to do as much as we did though, and that we got to share it all.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

A First

Almost two months ago, I finally did it.

In a fit of horny rage, I told Lux I needed to pull the trigger and get a first dildo.  Something I'd said on and off for years, but never did.  The fact that I didn't masturbate at all up until that point just made it fall to the wayside.

But I told him, and I asked him if he could pick out and get it for me, since he knew far more about what he was looking at than I did.

Well, after throwing a few ideas around, he got one, and brought it to me a few days later.

We haven't used it together yet, but I have used it by myself a few times, and I think it's been enough to give me some sort of an idea, at least for a solo thing.

So, I have no real desire to cum, no matter how horny I am, or if I'm with a partner.

And, unfortunately, that leaves me without much of a goal when I use a dildo.  It doesn't feel bad perse, but I just kind of wonder when to stop.  There's nothing else there to keep me interested, and the entire thing just has me feeling done with it rather quickly.

Which means, again, I have a preference for a person.  Something I can get a thousand different sensations from, rather than just one.

And, it's an unfortunate thing, but confirmed what we both thought.  Maybe at some point we'll finally get around to using it together, and that'll be fun, but in the meantime, it'll sit in the drawer.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Creating to Share

While at Fusion, and a few times since, I've had a lot of requests for new classes, or making offshoots to classes I teach.

That means developing a lot of new things over the coming months, and while some of these are still physical movement classes which I get compliments on my teaching methods, it also means developing lectures, which I'm not so used to presenting.

It's interesting, thinking about making the notes for these classes.  Learning to fill an hour plus of lecture, without breaks for practice or drills, is not something I have a lot of experience with.

This is something I wanted though.  I had wanted to start presenting in the kink scene, and bringing new information in that doesn't seem to be present in most classes.

The whole class creation thing is a bit of a project.  For my movement classes, it isn't hard to just go through my vocabulary, apply relevance, and make a list of things to cover what I want.  There are often times when I have to trim down what I cover to fit the time slot of a class.

This though.  This needs me to discuss things consistently.  I need to be able to speak in a way that's easily digested for an extended period of time, and that is a bit intimidating right now.

I have time though.  Time to sit and tweak the content.  Time to make sure I can present these classes comfortably, and be as thorough as I like to be.

I have a feeling in the next year or so, I'm going to be doing a lot more for the scene, and that might be a good thing.

Thursday, August 09, 2018

Seriousface

Right after I got home from my visit with Dansa, Lux asked if we could hang out on voice for an evening, just to hang out.  We've been doing that a lot more lately, just so he has more contact with people, and because it's been nice to have that change in communication.

He mentioned, almost as though he expected it to be dismissed, that he had been thinking about more serious role driven play.  Not necessarily scenarios, but a less silly, level and casual sort of play than we normally have.

For a long time, I kept really quiet about this exact thing.  Lux was processing a lot, and working through a lot of issues regarding these things from past partners, or people pushing for things he wasn't comfortable, and making him feel pressured,  left unconsidered, and that he didn't have any control, despite being the domly person.  I tried to encourage him to work through these things for him, and not bringing up what I wanted, to keep him from thinking I was just being selfish.

Welp, apparently I did so good a job that he thought I had no interest in it whatsoever.

Because of course.

Mind you, I enjoy our silly play time.  It's comfortable, and safe, and fun in it's own way.  However, I have wanted more heavy, serious play for a good long time.  Where we both let go a bit more of keeping things right on the surface, and enjoy the roles we have.

And he says he worries about himself if he lets go in that mindspace.  I've seen him in those states.  I've seen him let go, both for short periods of time, and for longer sessions.  I'm not afraid of it.  I know that he still sees me there, and knows what my limits are, and that if something were to happen, he would come back down to address it.

I'm also curious if this would help a lot with my pain processing.  That forced role, and dramatic difference in mind space may help me get back to working through pain the way I want to.  The way we both want me to.  It'll be interesting to see how that change may effect so much more.

He wants to start from scratch, and right now, we have a good base of trust built, which should make this a positive thing for us.  I am happy to finally be getting something I've wanted, because it's now something we both want.

Sunday, August 05, 2018

Building Better

With me feeling much more toppy than normal, Lux and I have a lot of the same worries lately.  That someone will either make a false claim about us, or miscommunicate, or something will happen, and we'll both be thrown down the hole of consent violators, unable to say anything because of his appearance, and my lack of visible credibility as a top.

We talk about how we don't want to get lax enough have that become a chance.

That we're worried with any new person we play with, or would potentially play with.

We also talk about precautions we take with each other.  Either being present for the other's scenes as an extra set of eyes.

How we will call out any bad habits we see forming, even when together, and encourage the good ones to stay, and grow.

Sometimes, being a safe partner is a team effort, and that's why we can't leave these things to ourselves.  We need to know where we slip, even if accidentally, and even if just for a second.

It's something to keep in mind for us both again.

Thursday, August 02, 2018

Headless

This weekend we leave for Pennsic!

I have to say, this one has been hard to prep for.  It's been a project to pack, and get organized.  I've had adventures get in the way, and plans in flux that made things difficult.

However, I'm excited to teach, and wander around, and work on new things, and see people, and a thousand other things.

I've done a lot in the last month to get ready, including helping Lux get organized amongst everything going on.  Which, that's been a thing as well.  I've been trying to stay present for him while he's getting used to a new job, and needs more contact with people. 

It's been a lot of sewing, and yarn work, and crochet, and drawing, and packing, and organizing and a ton of other things to get here.

But this will be a very different Pennsic for us.  Just like the rest of summer, which has had a lot of new things and firsts for us.

It's time for an adventure!

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Deciphering

One last Fusion post.  I think.

So, one of the most amusing things I found over time while at Compound, was how people never quite knew how to think of me.  That they were constantly having little tidbits, and only getting more and more confused and intrigued.

Camp definitely started with them thinking I was a submissive bottom.  That I belonged to Lux, and it was as simple as that.  They looked at Lux and tagged him for a domly dom top, and gave me the easiest box to go with it.

Until sitting there one morning, discussing knifeplay methods, and I started talking about my own practices as a top in regards to safety and tools.  Suddenly I was more.  This was something Lux didn't talk about, it wasn't me talking about him.  It was my own practice as a top.

And then, they realized I switch.

But, did Lux switch?

Did we switch together?

Were we both into all the same things as a top?

Now, Lux and I don't switch.  I am very statically a happy slave, but they don't know that.

Lux, spending more time in Compound than I did, got to hear a lot more about it, and the bits he told me were fun.  That someone was going to share some cbt techniques with me, and he just dismissed it, saying I wouldn't have any interest, because I like his cock too much.

I mean, he isn't wrong.

And, honestly, I enjoy being something to figure out.  I like dropping those little bits of very clear information that make me someone unique from their first idea.  Things that show I not only am more than they expected, but have a focus on safety and experience.

Take time figuring me out.  It'll make me much happier to know you, and more likely to play in the long run.

Thursday, July 26, 2018

A New One

This last week meant both mine and Lux's birthdays have passed, and we're each another year older.

While he's just another step into his thirties, I've now officially left my twenties.

It's a good thing I still look twelve.

Squishy asked me if turning thirty meant I had to become an adult.  By that she meant acting like a stuffy old person.  She seemed very upset with the idea.  It was rather cute.

Lux's birthday I was home while he was out with friends, getting completely smashed.  Apparently, even though I was barely getting half sentences, he was damn near poetic with a handful of other people.  When he went and read back over a lot of it he wound up apologizing to me because of how he was acting with everyone else.  Had he not pointed it out and apologized after saying it, I probably would have gotten a bit upset, but this made it more funny than anything.

He can always make it up to me later anyway.  I didn't even tell him that, and don't expect anything, but I won't say no.

I often say that my birthday is pretty much cursed.  Something always happens, and either fucks up any plans I make, or keeps me from doing anything.

Well, this year the gnome decided to disregard my birthday after making such a big deal of having Squishy home, and instead kept changing plans.  It's wonderful about how every month he's been trying to ignore my plans so he can larp (with dates he had previously agreed to) but feels like he can just change plans for me on the spot.  It shows he's still an asshole, and always will be.

So, my birthday became something quiet, which fortunately was only minimally fucked up.

However, it's passed, and now a ton more things are happening.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Getting Lost

Last weekend I went up to the city to visit Dansa, after she had visited me a few times, and was asking when I could come up to her place. 

After a lot of arguing with the gnome, and dealing with things, I was off to the city, with plans to go to a rope thing that night, and some little adventures for my birthday.  I had to navigate the city unsupervised to get up to her place, which went fairly smoothly, as worried as I was. 

When I got up there I provided much desired distraction from work, and got settled in.  We got some food, had coffee, and I found out one of the people I was supposed to tie with wouldn't be there that night.

We went off to the rope event, which was incredibly quiet.  Dansa got through her ties, including one bendy one on me.  She tried doing some purposefully mean things, and got a bit pouty when I didn't even flinch.  Even when she dropped me back on the ground, she started kicking me to try and get me to acknowledge pain, wound up hurting herself, and I just laughed at how it backfired.

I suppose my masochism can in fact feed my sadism.  Awesome.

We got back early, and went to bed a bit after.  I woke up like I was home, and had to try and go back to bed, because it had only meant about four hours of sleep otherwise.  Once we were both up, we got moving to my birthday brunch, which was wonderfully hipster, including some fantastic french toast, and a mountain of bacon.  I couldn't even finish everything, and we were off to the farmers market to hunt down some things for a particular potato salad Dansa wanted to make.

I melted.  Really.  I simply became a puddle of Loki.

Eventually, I became melted in the apartment again, now with a large box of things we needed to assemble as well as groceries.  After some time, when I became a solid Loki again, we got through those, remaining friends, though frustrated with some of the things we had made.  We also went about making the potato salad, which was fairly successful.

Later in the evening, we got to taking some pictures for my next coloring book, which I'm looking forward to diving in to, and building over the coming weeks.  The rest of the night was quiet, but we got a lot done.

The next day, with a backpack officially dying, I headed home, again worried about navigating the city by myself, but managing with good time, and getting home. 

It was a good weekend, and a nice set up to a few weeks of being incredibly busy while prepping for Pennsic and working on this book.

Time to crack into all the things.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Origin of Loki

I’ve been many things going back in my life. Going back as someone in kink dynamics, a dancer, a mom, a larper, and a gamer, I’ve been many things, and held many names. And while many of those represented me well at the time, or in those circles, to some extent, no matter where I’ve been, one name carried through.
I was handed “Loki Taviel” as a name. Given it by people who had been in my life from when I was first creating who I am, and putting together the pieces of my own unique brand of person.
In the earlier days of internet, finding good sources of information was a project, and even more of a challenge for something that wasn’t a single fact or tidbit. Me being a goth as fuck edgelord at the time, found a database of demons, and printed them all.
We sat in art class, my freshman year. Still knee deep in puberty, my dear friend Shadow and I poured over the pages, studying and memorizing what looked particularly interesting as we sculpted a human skeleton from memory.
I told you I was goth as fuck.
At a certain point, he put down the pages, and pointed toward the center of the paper. He said he’d found me, that it spoke and called, and just fit. Under his finger was the name “Loki”, and the description as a Babylonian fire demon that thrived on chaos. I wasn’t one to argue with that, and took the name on as something in conjunction with my birth name.
And over time more names went onto that pile. Characters, titles, stage names, and the like, all floating about as things I could answer to, all in different small venues and groups. They faded though, as I grew and moved from one chapter of my life to another. Always though, “Loki” was there. Consistent, and fitting more as I grew into myself.
Early on, I discovered the Norse Loki as well, and while not the same, I certainly wasn’t going to argue with how fitting it was. I knew I’d have to deal with this one more over time, but hoped not to have it cause issue.
There came a time when with that dear Shadow, I told him I needed to make a full name. That “Loki” needed a full identity. And here, in one of our nerdiest moments, he thumbed through a gaming booklet. Looked at the names, and titles inside, and showed me a page with two different things on it. Said they were both fitting. Both things that were essential to me. Attempting to read them both, he tried in many ways to combine the two, looking for a natural sound, before “Taviel” spilled from him. Immediately we agreed, and I had a name to call on.
And as the Marvel movies came out and gained popularity, the number of people aware of that Norse Loki rose. I got more looks and references to that, and people seeing me as simply a fan.
Several times, I almost put the name down. Thought about what it would take for me to find a new name. If I could find something that felt as right, or immediately fit the same way.
Rather than that though, I continued to utilize it more. More as a full name and identity rather than an affiliation. I carried it in a way that I didn’t need my birth name, and that this was simply enough. Over the course of time it’s gotten many reactions, ranging from people who still see me as a clinging fan, to people who see the energy in me and are taken aback by how I claim such a title. Once most people see me for any period of time though, simply agree that it’s who I am, and very seldom even need a birth name for me.
Loki has become my name more often and more widely given than my birth name. While it has evolved over times, it has evolved with me, and has never been any less fitting to who I am. Chances are that today, even with no problem giving my legal name, you’ll have better luck finding me with Loki, so I give that out more commonly.
Loki is part of who I am, who I have been, and who I will be, and even if that has times more awkward than others, it never won’t be right.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Pain Processing Processes

As I said a while ago, Lux and I haven't had very much chance for real beatdowns very often.  We've had small moments of violence, but in general, most of my play has been with others, and making plans to play with them.

While we were in the dungeon, we listened to all the moans and sexy sounds of play going on.  Lux commented at one point that while everyone else was doing that, I was giggling.  Giggling, and using all of those endorphins from our play to process that pain going on and stay aware.

Because I've been playing with other people, I had trained myself not to relax and just enjoy play, but process it in a way that I could be clear and communicative and pay attention to what is happening with them.

I couldn't relax and let it build into happy floaty feelings, let myself just enjoy, because I've needed to watch what is going on as someone learns about me.

Except that Lux knows me.  He knows what I can take, and I know I can trust him.

I remember when I could take the force of a truck and float along getting off on it.  When I was someone moaning just as loudly as others in the dungeon, being hit time and again with the force that would drop anyone else there, and wind up taking more in the process.

I want to hit that point again.

I want to be able to relax through a beating again, and not be worried about paying attention to what is going on so much.

I need to reteach myself how to process pain with those I trust.  For way too long I've felt this worry while bottoming, and I hate it.

And I think part of that means I need to get Lux to beat me up more often.  Beat me until I relax.  Until my mind lets me feel as safe as I know I am so I can enjoy it the way I used to.