Thursday, June 21, 2018

A Road Unexplored

I'm on the way to Fusion today!

I'll be teaching two classes, and playing with others, and spending time with Lux.  I'll also be performing, helping the fire team, and exploring.

I've been spending a lot of time putting together classes, and music, and packing, and prepping. 

That's not all that's gone on in the last couple weeks for me though. 

I published two new coloring books!  They're both out, and I have the groundwork set to start a few new ones over the summer.

I also got a new prompt journal that plays with a fun writing exercise to publish as soon as I'm home. 

I started playing more with how I work out every day, because time is still a little wonky unfortunately.

There's also been some other things that you'll hear about soon.

It's been a productive month.  I'm feeling like I have better support, and good people around.  I'm feeling like I'm doing more, and even if this isn't something huge, I'm doing something with so much of my art, and that's fantastic.

Now to go have fun, and play with all the things.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

A Long Weekend

Lux asked me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to accompany him to a wedding he was in last weekend.  It happened to be a weekend that I was without a Squishy, so I said I would be his plus one, and we could spend some time together before Fusion.  Well, after a week of trying to figure out details, Lux made his way down after the rehearsal. 

We had joked a day or two before that whenever we spend time together, we need to do prep work.  Drinking extra water, stretching, cardio, all an amusing number of things to need to do knowing our own marathon habits.

Well, the entire weekend was busy.  The wedding went smoothly, with the exception of Lux's suit exploding on the dance floor.  He kept said that it fit poorly, and then tried to squat while dancing, and poof.  We thought about trying to get through dinner, but that wasn't going to happen.  Just as food was being brought out, we went back to the hotel, where Lux did a full squat, just for the full range of pants explosion, before rejoicing in getting out of that suit, and into his own which he was more comfortable in.

After that though, it went quite well.

The next day we went back to the grounds, because the venue was on a state park and just beautiful.  We wanted to kill time before driving south, so a long walk through pretty woods, and looking at mountains, and gardens, and little hobbit homes.  Afterward, we went to a massive cigar shop to pick up enough cigars to get us through the summer.  I had been to this chain of shops before, but Lux hadn't, and even though I told him, he was surprised by how big the place was.

A long drive later, we were back, and tired.  However, we were happy with the weekend, and had done a lot of things we had wanted to do more of. 

At one point, I mentioned that we had been together for long enough that I'm his longest term partner, no matter how he cut it.  He was surprised, and we joked, but it was interesting to bring up.

Before he left, we tried to figure out some stuff, and generally just got some snuggles and silliness in while still tired from the long weekend.

Weddings might be a perfect storm for my social anxieties, but I feel like this weekend was the perfect short trip to start off a busy summer.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Nothing Less Than Clusterfuck

I've been waiting to see how this resolved to post on it. 

This is a bit of a big one.

A few weeks ago, Kitty was telling me that he had a long night with Fox, after they had done a full week of overnights, and not much sleep.  They were depressed, and not in a good mental state.

Well, that weekend only got worse.

It wound up with not feeling safe to have Fox home, and they wound up having them put somewhere.

A few days later there was no improvements.  A week later, they were brought home because the facility was fucking some things up.

All the while, everyone is in crisis mode, afraid to try and relax, and Kitty of course taking too much blame for himself. 

Needless to say, I spent that time wishing I was there to try and get them both to take care of themselves.  To help where I could, and be my normal jewish mother self.

Well, it's finally in some form of resolution, and now it appears Kitty isn't attending Fusion at all because he isn't up to being around all the people and stimulation.

I'll be helping as much as I can with Pyre, and providing snuggles and aid, as will Lux.  I will probably shove her at him at some point.

I hope Fox finds their mind again, and things settle soon, because being away from this, I can't imagine how insane that was, but know I wish I was there to help.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Being Active

As a follow up to a post the other day, Lux and I have had quite a bit more focus on power exchange lately.  We've both really been feeling it, and trying not to just ignore that, but acknowledge it in the moment, rather than saying we'll get to it when we're together.

It's also become a huge symbol of how much we both care about the needs of the other.  Even in adapting small gestures to give him control, we spoke for a while on how to tailor this to work for us.  What makes him know I'm being me, and let's him also have control over the situation without just blanket rules.  Something active, that not only gives him control through my gesture, but in how he scales it in the moment.  Which, in my mind, might not create ritual, but is more controlling, because it's always in his hands.

We've been looking at a lot of little things we do, and noticing how much we put power exchange into them.  That many things we look at as possessive in our own way.  Sure, barely any of it is a traditional expression of control, but there are lots of little things there.

Things we notice.

And in a way, having that dynamic that doesn't fit the cookie cutter of power exchange makes things more authentic, healthier, personal, and even more of a happy expression of control for us.

We're not in it for the show.  We don't exchange power to feel like we need to prove things to others.  We know its there.  We see it, we tailor it.  And that makes it a bit stronger than other more stereotypical dynamics.

Thursday, June 07, 2018

Strangely Opposite

Randomly, I clicked on a video from one of the Green brothers.  Something titled about how to get boys to like you, and I was curious about if they would make something up, or try to go very scientific about it.

Well, they started spouting out about habits in different cultures throughout time.  Things about neck rings, foot binding, corsets, and the like.  The emphasis women have put on their appearance to attract a mate, and it's ridiculousness.  That we don't necessarily look for traits in women that would make them a capable and hard working mate, but simply something attractive for men.

Which is funny, because I'd been thinking about just that on and off lately.

Humans are one of very few creatures where the women is expected to put more emphasis on image to attract a male.  In the vast majority of species, the male has more features to try and attract women.  Brighter colors, larger features, and more vibrant and catchy appearance, just to get the attention of females.  Males are meant more for protection, and breeding, where women do most of the work with everything, looking just for the male to be a good mate.

And for a long time in society, women were much more of a creature just to tend to a home, and continue our species.  Completely the opposite of so much of the world.  However, as time goes on, in our modern day, we have women fighting to fit more into that idea of many other species.  We not only tend to the home, in many cases women bring in more money, work just as hard, or harder, and want to be as strong as possible.

We're approaching a time where we are becoming more unique in that humans are striving for equality among all beings.  And I think one of the processes to reach that is to stop expecting women to put so much work on their appearance just for attracting a mate (do that shit for yourself though) and allow men to do much less when they are trying to pick up women. 

We should all strive to look clean and strong and attractive for ourselves, and then it'll help us to find mates without going out of our way just to feel appealing to society, but not put all that weight onto one group.

Sunday, June 03, 2018

Smart Kid

Squishy, being a kid, often writes some interesting things on school work.

Things like in kindergarten, where all the other kids wrote "family" or similar around Thanksgiving, Squishy wrote that she is thankful for pumpkin pie.  This was cute, and lighthearted, and something we kind of expected.

They're not all this way though.

So, since she was an infant, Squishy has enjoyed getting her back patted.  Not just light gentle patting though.  Good solid thumps to the shoulderblades.  Genetics! 

Even now, if she hugs me, she will fall asleep if I start thumping on her back.

Last year at Mother's Day, she wrote in a book that she likes "When mommy hits my back".  Needless to say, when she told me she wrote this, I regularly asked if she was questioned about it at school, because to anyone not aware, that looks real wrong.  Luckily, if you haven't guessed, everything was fine.

This year, knowing that she has written this in the past, I was a bit worried about what she would write.  She had a lot of simple answers, some funnier than others, but nothing to the extent of last year.

On one side though, was the prompt of "My mom is good at..." and her response of  "sharing love".  I didn't think much about this, mostly because of the more humorous responses.  I sent a picture to Lux and Kitty though, and when I spoke to Kitty, he said that specific line caught everyone in the house's notice.  That she was a smart kid, and able to pick up on things.

Now, I've spoken to Squishy about a lot of things.  About all different romantic orientations, and gender, and self expression and all that.  However, her being a bit too young for relationships in general, I don't talk about poly at all.  She just knows that I don't have a single titular relationship, and that I show affection with some of my friends.  I've never mentioned the idea of poly, because as of right now, she doesn't need to know.

But still, when he pointed it out, it made me a bit happy.  That she's just open minded to however people decide to be, and knows there isn't a right way to have a relationship.

Goes to show how kids are only as closed minded as we make them.

Thursday, May 31, 2018

The Difference

Lux and I have been talking a lot about power exchange lately, and at one point I talked about how I could do heavy elaborate exchange in the short term, but probably not for more than the occasional day, just because I am the type that when I set myself up to do something, I want to get it done before moving onto something else, including things asked of me by others. 

Lux responded by saying that he tries not to push asking things of me in our exchange, because of my general "Fuck everyone" MO. 

And yes, most of the time when people expect me to obey, give them control, or just let them have say over me, I tell them to fuck off and kick their ass.  For a very long time in my life, I had people trying to change who I am, or control how I do things, or just expecting me to be submissive regardless of who I am, because I'm tiny and female bodied.

Lux's response to everything though is always for me to be me.  If I were to ever do anything outside of what he knows my comfort zone is, he'd probably be incredibly upset and concerned.  Even in power exchange, he wants to celebrate me for being who I am.  He's worked to earn trust, and is careful with me.  That is a massive difference from when he sees me tell so many people to bugger off.

He asks me to only submit to him, and that is something I am very happy to do, because I doubt there are many other people out there who will deserve power exchange with me like he does.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Things it isn't

Many of us around here often joke that Oliver is fat.  He's not, but to keep my mom from completely overfeeding him, we make the jokes, but don't put much behind it.

Anyway, one day while making these jokes, my mom responded "Yea, well, I give him so much because I love him"

And I had to choke down yelling at her.  That feeding him piles of things he shouldn't have isn't love.  That ignoring what he needs when he's saying so, encouraging poor behavior, and barely spending any actual time with him isn't love.  It's selfish convenience. 

Like when she buys clothes for Squishy that she doesn't like, but then tries to force Squishy to wear them just because she likes them.  It's not love.  It's again being selfish, and incredibly inconsiderate.

Love is taking on compromise.  It's doing things you don't always want to do (in a healthy way of course) in order to take care of people when they need it.  It's considering them all the time, and balancing that with yourself, which is hopefully easier than it sounds.  Celebrating those individual needs and wants is enjoying them for being themself, and not just forcing them to always only be what you want them to.

Only doing and being what you want isn't love.  It's being a selfish shit.

Thursday, May 24, 2018

A Week of Many Things

This week is madness, but in so many good ways.

On Tuesday, we had to take the pup back to the shelter.  When we first got him, he was heartworm positive, and so the shelter wouldn't adopt him out fully until he was done with treatment.  That meant that he was only considered a foster for the several months he stayed with us until this point.  In many ways, that was good, because had he not worked out, we could return him, without breaking any contracts, or having paid for him.

Well, he took the ride to the shelter, got a quick test, and he's heartworm negative.  The people at the shelter very nearly forgot that we needed to actually pay for and sign for him to be fully adopted until we had asked them about it.  A short wait later, and some paperwork done, and he's now officially no longer a shelter dog, and has a home for what might be the first time in his life.  He's snuggled up with my butt right now, so I'm pretty sure he's happy here.

Lux is taking on a new job, which gets him out of the environment he was in, and hopefully onto bigger and better things.  It also means he's moving closer, which is fantastic.  He has a lot of things changing for him, and they're all very much needed.  I'm looking forward to him being closer.

The gnome wound up causing some scheduling issues for Squishy, and after trying to have her handle it, I had to explain everything, and now it's fixed, but turns my weekend into something much busier than it was going to be.  She's been in a bit better a state lately with the end of the year coming I think, but she's still having some issues.

I found out another cute boy just moved closer to me from where he was, and I'm hoping this gives us the chance to build a better friendship. 

I'm trying to make a dent in the many many projects I have coming up, and seeing it being made. 

I have so many more things I need to fit into my day, and this week is very busy already, but all this good news is making me feel a lot better about everything.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Sort of Calm

Last weekend was Mother's Day, and was way different from the last many of them.  Not to say it magically became amazing, but broke up a good lot of our routine.

My parents didn't go off to the cemetery this year, due to the rain, and instead opting to go on my grandma's birthday at the end of the month. 

Also, rather than our normal bbq where the menfolk are supposed to make everything but we wind up doing most of the work, we decided to make a giant prime rib and a ton of other food ourselves.  Wound up being much better food, and we didn't have to wait for anyone.

A lot of things have been breaking around the house, but nothing that wasn't a simple fix. 

I realized I only have a couple of sketches left for two new coloring books, which means mostly just inking and then all the formatting shit.  These are definitely going a lot faster, and I'm so happy about that.

There are a lot of other little things I'm making and working on an organizing, and they're all making progress.

Squishy is almost done with the school year.  She just finished her first year of standardized testing, and while she said she was a bit nervous over it, she also says she thinks she did well.  With the year coming to a close soon, she has a ton of stuff going on to juggle as well, and that means even more for me to keep track of.  Only a few more weeks though.

On Tuesday we bring Oliver to the shelter for his heartworm test.  If it comes up negative, it means we can finally stop borrowing him, and actually do the adoption paperwork.  Which means he only has a couple more days to make the final decision if he wants to permanently belong to us.  Mind you, I'm typing this as he's nested in a blanket while snuggled on my lap.  Pretty sure he's well and attached himself to me.

So, there's a lot going on right now, but it's moving along, and it's showing decent progress.  I need to manage juggling in some better self care in the meantime as well, but this isn't horrific.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Encouraging More

This week has been a collection of having people feel like they in a downturn. 

I spoke with Kitty Sunday night, and when I reminded him of his age (he forgot how old he is) it triggered thoughts of how he hasn't been making the same strides he was professionally, and how his current job has been nowhere near the situation he thought it would be.  That with the choices he's made, he doesn't know if life will even give him the chance to make that professional growth any longer, and feeling like he's burning out.  He's also been dealing with not being able to enjoy his hobbies due to his shoulder turning borked, and a ton of other things that I don't agree with much and have tried to voice.

Lux is dealing with his work crumbling apart, and trying to find a new gig.  He's picking up the work of a ton of people in the meantime, and feeling frustrated, and like he can't really live up to everyone else.  This while juggling things with family, and attempt to have his own life and start feeling healthier himself.

I'm still in a strange mental place myself.  This however means that I can put my stuff aside and try to be supportive and positive for them. 

That whole I have a type thing is perking up.  Luckily I'm good a dealing with this from them, and helping them through it.

There's a lot going on right now, and I have a ton to juggle, but I have time for them, and I'll be there however I can.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Stepping In

Lux and I talked a lot about the dangers of many people in the scene, and our fears bringing people in, and the risks we take.  We spoke about how he doesn't know how he'd react to someone accusing him of something he didn't do, or blowing a situation up way beyond the truth.

I laughed, and said that I'd go ahead and step in and handle in.  While he found it amusing, and hopefully as something supportive, he said that he didn't need me fighting all his battles. 

And while yes, I do let him handle and learn a lot of things for himself, I'm going to be supportive where I can, and in those situations where he is backed into a corner, I'm not going to stop myself from setting things straight.  I'm far too overprotective to let him get hurt and not do anything about it.

To which we talked about how I've already proven that.  That he was accused of something by someone absolutely unsafe, after I had been told even more conflicting statements.  He was accused of something where I was a witness to how much she lied about it after.  I remember seeing her statement and wanting to immediately get into the car and drive.  Drive until I found her and go for blood.  I told Lux about it, and he said he'd handle it, which she immediately tried curling up as though he wouldn't have ever seen it.  That she expected to get away with lies.

We talked about how for a long time we had a rule that if there was a new play partner, the other person needed to be present.  In a way, we still have that.  We definitely double check with each other about outside people and if we're wanted around, both as a safety, and for any aftercare.

Sure, maybe we're paranoid, but we do let each other handle what we know we can, and if not, I know we have each other's back.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

A New Option

Remember how I said the other day that I only really cared about what other people thought about my appearance for a short time in my life?  Well, that is true, and when it comes down to it, I don't really care all of that much, and mostly just focus on making me feel like me.

That however, doesn't mean I don't like the input from close people for outside perspective.

While Lux was visiting, we were out to breakfast, and he mentioned that my makeup one day didn't look as good on my skin as the day before.  I agreed, that the product I used that day matched my ghostliness better, but had a worse finish than some other ones I have.

He felt a bit trapped while talking about it, not wanting to say the wrong thing, and I totally understand that.  It's a bit of an easy way to throw yourself into a hole when on the subject, and much harder to dig out of it.

Then he said something that would have most women screaming.  He said "I honestly don't think you need it, but that's me"

And, I know he has a preference for minimalist makeup, if any.  He would be perfectly happy if I walked out bare-faced all the time.

Knowing that, I took a breath.  He knows I don't wear makeup for him, and in a way braced for impact.  I just responded with "I feel more put together with it."  And I do.  Makeup makes me feel like I'm ready for the day, and looking more finished and like me.

But, the next day I thought about it, and really I only use base makeup to even things out.  Make my dark circles that are purely genetic a little less apparent, provide a little spf, and clean things up.

And with some of the other products I use, I get really close to that, without putting on anything that creates more issues.

So I went out for a day with only my eyes and lips done.  No layers of concealer and foundation.  Just my primer to blur things a little.  And I didn't hate it.

I still think I'm going to use foundation on days where I have performances, or times when I really need a more pristine base, but I think once this primer is gone, I'm going to look for something with a bit more spf, and just use that in my day to day. 

Sometimes, it's about finding something that works for me, rather than following what the standard would be.  Sounds about normal.

Sunday, May 06, 2018

An Excellent Change

I think about how I felt the last time Lux had visited.  That even though he makes me happy, I just didn't have any spark of joy that I normally do from seeing him.  That I felt very blank, even if I was incredibly grateful for time with him.  It bothered me, and not only that, but we didn't get a chance to really dig into anything that we'd meant to.

Since then, a lot has happened, and I've made a lot of improvement in my own mental space.  It's done me a world of good, and I realized exactly how much in the middle of Lux's visit last weekend.

Despite a lot of things going on over that week, we were able to find a lot more joy in being together.  There was a peace like we usually have, and a serious boost to my mental state.  I got to feel inspired, and share a lot of the projects I have going on right now, to work on over the next long while.

We had a lot of discussion about the coming months, and making plans, and creating the basis of a fun summer. 

We also had a lot of sex, which definitely helped show that we're getting back to normal

It's been hard for a long time, and while things definitely aren't perfect, it makes me a million times more grateful to see us moving back to normal.

Thursday, May 03, 2018

Remembering

Squishy has definitely started the transition out of being a little kid lately, and it's been reminding me of a lot of things.  Either that, or it's really funny.

On the more humorous side, one day, I was in the shower at night, and she knocks on the door.  She needed to use the bathroom, and wanted to pop in while I was finishing showering.  I had no problem with it, and didn't find it weird, so I let her in.  After stalling for an extra minute or so in the hot water, I got out of the shower, and she was still in the bathroom. 

As I grabbed my towel, expecting it to be the normal thing is usually is, she covered up her face.  I asked what was up, and she said she didn't want to see me naked.  I asked if she hit the age where that was weird finally, and she said yes.  I asked if that was the case, if she would stop bothering me to take a shower with me.  She was quiet.  I told her she couldn't have both, and she told me to wear a swim suit in the shower.  My kid is weird.

However, in the last couple weeks she's been saying that she's unhappy with her body, and that she doesn't like parts of it, and that she isn't cute anymore.  Saying she doesn't want to be cute because only babies are cute, or saying she isn't cute anymore because she is getting older, and that she has a tummy.

And while this is horrible that my nine year old is already having body image issues, it makes me think about how I thought of myself at that age.

We're built fairly similarly, though I remember at her age, already having a very heavy hourglass shape.  I remember acknowledging the fact that I had curves and a waist, and that would make me attractive.

This was of course, back when I thought about what made me attractive to others, which didn't last terribly long, with only small periods of it poking back up.

In many ways though, I celebrated my body as a kid.  There were issues I had, which I've since gotten over, but there are so many things that I enjoyed about my body that when I think about them now have only gotten stronger, or more pronounced, and I should learn to celebrate them more.

Maybe, I need to learn from my ten year old self, and use that to help teach my nine year old daughter.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Seeing More

Along with everything else, I've been trying to spend more time with people lately.  More conversations, more socializing, more human contact.

While I'm not quite recharged as an extrovert, it is helping dramatically.  

It however, makes me notice far more, all the introverts in my life, and people who are just horrible at communicating.  It's a frustrating thing sometimes, and really difficult to deal with, considering that presence is so important to me.  It's not that I want them constantly in contact, but when I'm trying to hear something, and get ignored for a week, it's hard.

However, it's also making me want to play more, mostly with my own partners.  I want more deep trusting play than simple scenes with friends, which is very normal for me anyway.

It's making me look forward to the summer, even with all of my anxiety for the time leading to it.  

And trying to force myself to be more social again is definitely using more of my time.  It's making me have even more to balance and manage.

We have infinite time though.  And I want to make use of as much as possible.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Keeping up Pace

I let myself have a good week or so to get lax on things.  My period hit, and with it came its normal lazy feeling.  It's always hard to get back into stride after that, and I need to stop letting myself listen to that.

But this week is a lot of trying to manage time better and get more done.

I've started digging into the next coloring book, and have a friend looking through for photos to use for another.  I'm occasionally getting ideas for the next prompt journal, and making a list of things for a cookbook as well.

Diving into so many things, and they're all making some form of progress.

I'm trying to push myself to dance more along with my workouts.  Get into better shape for Fusion and Pennsic and the summer overall.

Which, my classes have been approved for Pennsic, and for Fusion as well, and I'm looking forward to those.  I've made up my insanely short hand class notes, which at the very least help keep me on task.

Not where I want to be, but I'm trying to get there.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Opposites

I was reminded the other day, of how different genders are naturally drawn to find features attractive.

While watching a video of a new game, someone remarked on the face of the character, which was now given age, and lines.  Given very square features, and big thick beard.  The person said how much he wanted to look like the character.

The character who looked to be far older than he.

And it reminded me that for most men, it's encouraged to have those broad and square features.  That lines and age make them look distinguished rather than old.  And that is viewed as looking very masculine and attractive.

On the other hand, most women strive to continue looking the way they do in high school.  They want soft slender features, with no defined marks.  Showing any lines makes them look old, and uncaring, rather than aged and strong. 

It's rather shitty in a way.  That most men aspire to hit the point where they look like these older men, and women strive to cling to something they may have had for a very short part of their lives.

I find myself even falling victim to it.  I celebrate the fact that I still look the same as I did as a kid, and vastly prefer broad masculine features on partners.  That slender males simply fall outside of my preference.  While that isn't a bad thing, because everyone has a different taste, it does put me right in the standard of something, which I will admit feels a little odd.

Can't be weird all the time I suppose.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Fun Adventures in Makeup

Makeup is one of the few things I actually do that is relatively femme.  I don't go crazy with it, and keep it incredibly simple compared to what a standard full face would be considered, but I am a bit picky with the products I use.  I'm incredibly determined to stick to the cheap drugstore brands though, because I fully believe they should make a product that fits what I want, since a lot of the time many high end brands will also have products with the same issues some cheaper products do.  And when it comes to things like my eyes, or lips, I have products I love.

However, as I mentioned a bit ago, I'm so fair that face products barely exist that aren't too dark for me.  I have slowly been building a collection of foundations and concealers that are the lightest shade available, and are still too dark on me.  It's a very frustrating thing.

So now, keep that in mind, because we're about to get to some funny stuff.

A few days ago, while filling up my water bottle, my mom calls me into the den, asking me to look at her face.  She says her eyes are red and swollen, and asks if she's having what I dealt with.  I tell her that mine was an eczema breakout, and that it started with a small dry patch and no redness for months.  She pokes at her eye, and says it isn't dry.

I tell her that it isn't what I dealt with then, and ask her how old her mascara is.

She can't answer.

I ask how old her eyeliner is.

She says it's the one I ordered.  I point out that she's been using a different kind, not the one I showed her.

She pauses and says she doesn't know how old it is.

I ask how old her eyeshadow palette was.

She says about twenty years.

I tell her that her makeup has turned.  That she needs to get the bag so we can go through it.

About a half hour later I am looking at something, and she brings her makeup downstairs.

Her makeup is ancient.  At one point, I pull out a foundation, and go to jokingly swatch it.  I think better, and smell it first.  It smells sour.  Her eyeshadow smells rotten.  Most of her makeup smells bad.

She throws out so much stuff that I need to go through my extras in order for her to be able to make a full face.  While she's sitting in the natural light of the dining room, I see that the redness on her eyes is in the exact location and shape of her eyeliner.

Nope, couldn't have possibly been that her makeup was ancient.  Had to be that she was out of nowhere dealing with what I had.

So, anyway, that meant a big trip to the store, and after swatching a million nearly white things, I may have found a foundation and a concealer that are pale enough for me and hopefully don't look like ass on my face.  Sweet fuck, I'm excited.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Continuing to Build

These last couple weeks have involved me working on planning a lot.  Planning more published projects, planning adventures over the summer, building classes, trying to pick out performance music, and the like.

I've also found myself wanting to play a lot more, and that's one of the biggest factors to show how much better I'm doing.

I asked Lux if we could play soon, or at Fusion, or preferably both.  We run the idea by each other a lot, but it falls to the wayside far too often.  We wind up doing other things, or accidentally having too much sex (which still isn't actually enough sex) and lose time to play.

But we both want to pursue it more, and make time, and prioritize better.  We're both working to grow and make improvements.  And so hopefully we will have more happy violence.

I've also looked at tying with a friend of ours, because he'll be at Fusion and camping in the same area as us.  I still need to have some serious talks with him though, for safety reasons and such.  Y'know, that job as a responsible bottom and masochist type thing.

Maybe, I'll even find time to play with Kitty, despite him being a creaky old man.

I want to do more of the fun things.Skipping out on them wasn't helping me at all.