Thursday, October 19, 2017

Checking Back

The other day Lux and I were having a pretty long conversation about a lot of things.  And while it definitely rolled through a few subjects, we discussed a lot of what piques different parts of our brains, and the like.

Of course, it started by me needing to remind him that I do actually respond to discipline, so long as whatever is happening is being said that it's discipline, and there then is a presence of positive reinforcement for good things as well.  I think Lux often forgets this just because we keep things pretty neutral, and most of the time when he does something that would be seen as punishment to other dynamics, I find it fun and encouraging because I'm not being told it should be otherwise.

We also talked about how a lot of the time, I tell him he's in charge because so much of our dynamic is based on very simple respect, and not a lot of active power exchange.  About how he enjoys exerting some amount of territorial possessiveness on occasion, and how he always has the option to do so more often.

It wasn't a bad conversation, to be sure.  I feel like with so many things either relaxing finally, or working toward adjustment and change, this may be something too that can become more present again.

Sunday, October 15, 2017


The other day, I mentioned to Kitty that the morning was weird, simply because things were happening a bit differently than they normally would.  He was instantly worried, and started to take my reassurances as trying to brush things off.  It took a while for him to realize that I truly did mean that nothing bad was happening.

He said that it was him simply being paranoid.  That he was broken, and it was just the way he is.

Well, I jumped on that without hesitation.  I rather forcefully told him that he is not broken.  Maybe a little weird.  And certainly not pristine, but not broken simply for who he is.  Not only that, but having genuine worry and concern for a loved one should never be something that counts as being broken.  Eventually, he said that while he may not believe that all the time, he did then.

At the same time, I look at Lux, who is somehow managing more and more crisis in his life, and trying to hold himself together.  When he hugs me, he tells me he's broken.  And, with this, I believe him.  However, I always tell him that he won't always be.  That he will eventually get to putting himself back together, and even if he's still a little off, he won't really be broken anymore.

We, as people, are not broken.  Some people may be fucked up pieces of shit, and some may be total nutcases, but it's who we are when whole, and that doesn't make us broken.  We are broken when something comes along and shatters us, which happens to everyone throughout our lifetime.  It is then our job to pick up those pieces, and put ourselves back together, trying to come up with a new whole, and making the most of what that is.

Thursday, October 12, 2017


I actually managed to have an empty house last weekend, without anyone else home, and plenty of space to work on things.

So I had Lux over, and another friend, and we burned things, and we relaxed a little. 

It was a much needed time for all of us, getting away and having distraction for a bit.

And I was so incredibly grateful that Lux spent the night.  My bed might be a little crowded with us both in it, but it still makes me happy to have him there to snuggle up with.  Even if this meant not getting all that much sleep.

It was also a reminder of how much I enjoy doing for friends and people I care about. 

While nothing insanely interesting may have happened, This weekend was what I needed.  I'm feeling a bit better about everything.

Sunday, October 08, 2017


Lux and I were talking the other morning, and he said that outside his apartment he could hear a couple fighting.  After a bit, and hearing it get continually louder, he went outside to break things up.

And while there were some things about it I don't need to go into here, one of the worst things was that the person causing the issue of course tried to use Lux's race as an attack.  It was irrelevant to the situation, and of course is simply a characteristic of him, but they felt it necessary to throw it in his face, in order to feel superior, and in malevolence.

When he told me, I was suddenly reminded of how often lately I need to worry about Lux's safety just because of the color of his skin, and how insanely ridiculous that is.  That despite the fact that he is an amazing, strong, and intelligent person, people will see that he is slightly on the darker side, and try to use it against him.

I'm reminded of why we can't say that we don't acknowledge people being of different race.  Because while I may treat everyone with respect and care, I also try to look at a person with understanding that they have all gone through different things, much like how I am often treated differently for the choices I make in my appearance, or a plethora of other things.

No one should be made to feel unsafe because of a physical feature, nor should they feel that way for being around those people.  And anyone who ever feels justified in blanket statements of that nature need to be made to understand what shitty people they are.

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Simple Box

Puttering around before bed the other night, I saw an article about helping women have a higher sex drive to meet their partner, or some such.

While I don't agree with that being necessary, and that anyone should be able to find someone they feel connected with, as well as have a similar sex drive, I let curiosity take over, and click.

And, it gives the stereotypical advice.  Learn to masturbate.  Buy lingerie.  Create a romantic mood for yourself.

When I was younger, and had no idea what a desire for sex actually felt like (for a host of reasons), this was the same sort of thing I was told.  And, I think this limited pool of advice definitely contributed to me being awkward as hell for the longest time when it came to sex.  I felt like I was broken because all the things recommended made me feel worse, or bored, or uncomfortable in my skin.  It took me a long time to realize and acknowledge my sex drive, and that it is as high as it is.  And it had nothing to do with what everything suggested.

I wore what made me feel like me.

I celebrated me for who I am.

I was with people who actively showed desire toward me, and made me feel secure.

I made sure to think about sex as something that doesn't need a certain appearance or setting.

The more comfortable you become with yourself, and the more supportive your partner is (should you have one) the more you will flourish, and it doesn't involve sticking to a cookie cutter solution.

Sunday, October 01, 2017

Not Simply Accostumed

I have a very different body shape from my mother, as well as my any other member of my family.  And, not only while growing up, but through most of my teens, and even sometimes currently, I was ridiculed for it.

Told I was less because I didn't have large breasts, and the target of several insults and shame due to having large hips and butt especially compared to my waist.

I was outright told I would be seen as less attractive because of these things.  Because I wasn't shaped the way they thought was the only shape anyone was drawn to.  That it made me not worth the attention of anyone.

And, it took me a really long time to realize how full of shit they were.  That I didn't need to wish that I had some specific body type in order to actually be attractive.

At some point, I found acceptance in it.  Simply becoming complacent in the idea that my body is shaped the way it is.  They still made comments, and they still dug, but I knew it was something beyond my control.

And, finally in the last year or so, I've realized that I actually do like my shape.  I like having broad shoulders, even though it's hard to find clothes.  I like that if I stand up straight I look like a tiny brick wall, and being able to part a crowd.  I like having tits that don't get in the way.  That I don't get back problems from sacks of fat hanging from my ribs.  I like the fact that I have such a heavy hourglass shape that I have more natural curves than most waist training corsets can provide.  And I even like the fact that I have sturdy legs and hips that can kick the shit out of anyone and look damn well doing it.

It's taken me a long time, and while a lot of people might not like the fact that I don't have a very lithe and slender shape, I like looking strong and curvy at the same time.

And holy shit, that's amazing.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Barely Fiction

A while ago, a game came out called "A Normal Lost Phone".  It was an awareness story-telling sort of game, that covered real world issues, in a great way to show the shit people deal with the early years of their life.

Well, the creators made a new game.  This one so aptly named "Another Lost Phone".  And it is only the tiniest bit different from my time with the gnome.  To the point where I noticed what was going on in the first five minutes, and called every single detail before it was said.

Kitty thought it would act as a mind fuck for me, and if I wasn't so completely over and past that chapter of my life, it might.  However, I found it interesting to see how clueless people are to it, unless it's thrown in their face.  That I wanted more people to see this game, for the chance to bring more light to how some situations actually go.

That people do get forced and trapped into a home.  That they are manipulated into a situation that doesn't allow them to leave even just to take a walk.

That if they do go out, or talk to anyone of the opposite gender, they're cheating.

That asking for anything will get them attacked.

Small things are taken away, like the ability to make plans, or even shower alone.

Secretly, lies occur to destroy the outside support structures, so you have even less place to go.

Any privacy is taken away.

Attempts to manipulate your own body in order to permanently control you.

It's so fucking close to my experiences.  It isn't exaggerated for effect.  And holy shit, this game should be handed out in high schools, and shown to everyone.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Happy New Year

We're celebrating Rosh Hashanah today here.  I've been herding cats for a couple weeks to be able to put it all together, and have people over for the new year.

Mind you, the actual holiday was a few days ago.  People are more apt to come by on the weekends though.

And, while sending good wishes to many people, I found myself having to explain holidays here to several people.

We've always hosted holidays here.  Until I was grown, I had never had any sort of holiday dinner at someone else's house, and I was used to tons of people filing in throughout the day, not worrying about us not being home, or missing out on food and social activity.  It's why now I only know how to cook for ten at the least, and don't bat an eye at needing to cook ahead or for a crowd.

It also made me think about the holidays I enjoy more now that I'm grown.

There are a lot of holidays that I actively dislike.  The ones that focus on just being with family, or commercial obligation, I find myself hating more and more as I get older.  I feel bitter at the thought of them, and want to avoid them at all costs.

However, smaller holidays, where we tend to invite many people over, or create more opportunity for forming small unique traditions, and focus more on friends and others, make me happy, and I look forward to putting those together.

It's almost like I don't like my family, or societal standard.

People who say I'm difficult to follow just don't listen apparently.  Not surprising.

Anyway, here's to making more fun traditions, and spending time with the people I actually care about.  And today, have some apples with honey to bring in the new year.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Random Assignments

Over the weekend, in the midst of everything going on, Lux and I were looking for some semblance of normalcy.  Already trying to rebuild from what he was in the middle of.

And so in the middle of the day, when I was simply going through some of the motions of the afternoon, Lux gave me a task to complete over the remainder of the day.  Nothing prompted it, and it had been a very long time since he'd asked anything similar of me.  To be honest, I was caught a little off guard in the first few minutes just with how big of a change it was for us.

It didn't stop me from going about it though, and feeling very happy with him and us for the entire day.  As small as it was, I felt like I was helping make progress in a lot of ways, and pulled the fact that we do have power exchange back closer to the surface.

Mind you, it didn't stop me from pulling some sass later on, even though I didn't get away with it as well as I could have.  Which may not have been something he expected at the time, but it made me giggle, and he took it in stride.

And now that some things are resolved, it's time for him to start working on getting better, and hopefully more of those little things pop up once in a while, and it strengthens us too.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Diving In

Welp, it's the start of insanity again.

The time of year with very little mental break between things, and it starts in a week.  While I enjoy a lot of the things happening, this time of year is also always incredibly stressful for me near the end, and the holidays are never great for my mental space.

However, next weekend is Rosh Hashannah, then I'll have a weekend of empty house where I'd like to do something myself, and then we're throwing a Halloween tea, on top of trick-or-treat itself, and all the fun Halloween things to do.  Then a tiny break before Thanksgiving, followed by Channukah, Christmas, New Years, and all the birthdays.  It's several months of constant, and not all of it I want to be a part of, but I'll be throwing myself in.

Luckily, I've been feeling a lot more inspired lately, and Lux and I do want to take some time to have some amount of frivolity given how the last year has been for us.

It's not going to be an easy time.  But this year, I'm determined to enjoy as much as possible.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Poly is Bad and You Should Never Go Near It

When being poly is good, it's really good.  Partners are supportive, and present, and things are awesome.

And yea, sometimes things are going on with one or the other, and you shift your focus as necessary without the other one feeling left out, because everything is cool.

But, when shit goes down with one, it's never only one.

Lux has some incredibly serious and horrible things going on right now, and is a mess.  I've been being present where I can, but it's a mix of him not wanting people around, or me not being able to be there, or a ton of other things.

On the same hand, Kitty was stuck in Irma, hunkering down at home, where I had no way to see if they were safe as I watched footage of the area where he works flooding.

And here I am, in the middle, unable to help either one.

So, needless to say, earlier this week I was a mess.

Not only do I have one boy to worry about, but multiple.  And it sucks.

But damn it, they're cute.

Poly is dumb.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Always Speak

I'm sitting with mom a couple weeks ago now.  I had finished my workout, and was having some juice, so I take my time, and we start talking.

She mentions that someone currently working with my brother (who is officially back in Jersey) is related to his new neighbors.  She also says that apparently he's more than a bit of an asshole, and the rest of the guys in the shop have a pool for how long it'll take for my brother to punch him.

I say that it might be good for the guy, and act as a wake up call.  She points out that his neighbors might not appreciate that, and I say that we don't know how they think about the guy, and might appreciate it as well.

She then says "Well, we don't know what kind of an asshole he is.  He might be like your uncle, where he says a ton of shit, but you can laugh with him."

And there we go.

I went off.  

I told her that he doesn't "just say things".  I made it very clear that he physically grabs me all the time, as though he is entitled.  Acts like he has agency over my body, and no one stops him.  That when I said I almost kicked him out of the house, it was not because I was "insulted" as she decided, but because I was physically invaded, without any consent.

I'm on the verge of tears.

She acts surprised.  Says she didn't know that it happened, even though she was in the room.

Then she tells me that when I was a child, he was playing with me, and when I responded to him, he hit me.  That my father immediately grabbed him by the throat and threw him out the door, and he wasn't allowed near me until my grandmother begged for him.  Even after that, I have memories of him invading my consent, and everyone making excuses.

I tell her I never want to be around him again, because he is abusive, and when she tells people he "insults" me, it spins me into a rage.

She says she can't tell people she let her brother abuse her kid, but she'll make excuses when he wants to visit, so he hopefully doesn't come over in the future.

And I just think to myself, this.  This is why we have so many issues with consent.  That there are so many people who cry wolf, and so the people who do speak up when something happens, and it is a serious thing, excuses get made for a plethora of reasons.  Then you find out it isn't even the first time, but they allow it to continue.

Yes, we have to pick our battles, but when shit goes down, always speak up.  Have your story straight, and spread the word.  Don't let it only peek out when more goes wrong.  We don't stop the problem by staying quiet.  We stop it by speaking up more loudly than those who cry for attention rather than to make change.

Thursday, September 07, 2017

Where Pieces Fit

I've had a few reminders over the last few days of how I react to high protocol, and strict power exchange situations.  Not that I have any innate problem with them, but more that I learn how little I fit into it.

High protocol situations make me want to grab someone, make popcorn, and sit to the side snarking away like Statler and Waldorf.  That if someone were to expect me to act with all the rules and ritual and hierarchy around others that gets used, I'd just pull out every bit of sass possible, then go hug Lux, because while he's the domly dom, there isn't a thing in the world that will tell me I'm lower than anyone else, or should be treated that way.

Even just with regular power exchange, I'm loud.  I speak up, and don't look for tasks or stereotypical gestures.  I let my needs and wants be heard, no matter what might be the more ideal behavior.  I however, do my damnedest to take care of any domly person I have, and when the chips are down, they're in charge.  No matter how it may look most of the time.

I may have jokingly told a friend the other day "If you asked me, I'd say [Lux] is in charge.  If you asked him, you'd get something akin to 'Have you tried to get her to listen to anyone?'"

I don't have any problem with the existence of strict power exchange.  But with who I am, I need someone who will encourage me to grow, and to be me.  That simply doesn't mix with the more strict stereotypes.

Luckily Lux tolerates all my sass.

Sunday, September 03, 2017

A Strange Turn

The last week, while not bad, has had a lot going on.

Everyone who I had started to make plans with had flaked on me, either by simply falling off the face of the earth, or cancelling with excuses (to which I saw them making plans elsewhere).  It meant being stuck home in the rain, which while not horrible, could have been better.  Instead, it meant I could be present for many people who needed it, wherever they were, which is also good.

Squishy also goes back to school in a couple days.  The last week has been spent getting her sleep schedule sorted out, and taking care of all the little school things so the first day goes smoothly.  As much as the summer allows me to take longer trips, I enjoy the routine of knowing I have time for what I need to do during the school year.

I've also had a few things I need to cancel on myself, or get scheduled and sorted out for a multitude of reasons.

There's a lot going on, and in some ways, the changes are things I would prefer not to happen, and in other ways, I just want to be involved in more.

Thursday, August 31, 2017


It's been about a month since taking out my nipple jewelry, and since also having a trip to see Lux, I figured it's a good time to mark the progress on them.

I still miss them.  It's weird not seeing them, or having them.  At times, I find that I feel sad not having them still.  Even now, in the evening, I notice myself caught in the muscle memory of going to clean them.

However, I haven't had the slightest bit of pain since the day I removed them.  Only while up with Lux, which was also when I happened to be in the middle of my cycle, and meant a hormonal flux, did I see a tiny bit of lymph.  Lux even took advantage of many chances to go after my chest in ways he has never really been able to, remembering to ask how they were doing afterward, and I had no problems.

They still don't go flat though, which is upsetting, but it looks like if I were to put a taper through, I wouldn't have any problem.  I suppose they still have more healing to go through than I thought, but the lack of pain and issues is like magic.

I may still miss them, and hate that I had to remove them, but this was one of the best decisions I've made for my body in a long time.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Little Bits

While spending the week with Lux, I felt a massive recharge in a ton of ways.  Being social helped, and away from the house, and getting to touch on a bunch of projects, as well as helping Lux out around the apartment and all.

But, the biggest of all was just little gestures from other people.  And it didn't really matter who.  Just little unprompted things outside of the routine.  

While at Shelter, Blue would occasionally give me hugs when he walked past, and even though I was a bit worn down from the day, and awkward as hell from not knowing many people, it made me feel a lot better than I was able to express.

Then going back north, and over the course of the week, Lux was significantly more affectionate than normal, and even the smallest things made me feel better for a day or afterward.

It goes to show how little I actually need at this point to feel affirmed, and that I've apparently been starved for affection with everything happening lately.

But in the meantime, I will be enjoying what came of the last week, and running with that.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Stupid Time

Last weekend was long, and certainly a roller coaster overall.

It started with me having to pull a knife on a guy who tried to get handsy with me on the train, and having to rely on Lux knowing what I would do in a shitty situation in order for us to meet up.

We then found out we were running late, and had to bust ass upon meeting Blue, heading over the the Bomb Shelter venue to set up the rigs and lights and all.  On the bright side, I now know how to put together all of Blue's suspension rigs, which means I can help with more in the future.

Lux was part of a rope performance, and everyone who wasn't actively in a scene made sure to watch.  He wound up with some rope burn, but looked fantastic the entire time, and I got to enjoy how good his butt looks when he is in an inversion.

I had asked Blue near the end of the night if he wanted to put me up, asking if he was up for stupid time, which is the sort of special way we refer to rope.  He still had one more scene to go through, so we didn't get to it there though.

After a quick clean up, and some small mishaps, we got back to a friend's apartment before sunrise, set up a bed, and flopped.

Unfortunately, because we both have such set sleep schedules, we were both up in a few hours.   We spent some time chatting, and going over video games, and having breakfast before Blue showed back up.  Finally, we motivated toward shower, and Blue asked if I was still up for stupid time.  After checking with Lux because we did want to get north at a decent time, I was helping put up a rig again, and setting up lights, before getting in the shower so he could finish up.

Once I was dressed and together, I stood under the rig and Blue figured out what he wanted to do.  I didn't know at the time, but he was pulling entirely new harnesses on me, and was completely unsure as to how they would work.  We sang songs, and made jokes, and talked about Voltron as I went into the air for the first time in too long.  Unfortunately, a lot of the ropes shifted, and this tie wound up rather uncomfortable in many ways, which left me with a sore neck and shoulders for several days after.  I kept him informed though, and there were lots of hugs after.

Honestly, I was happier that he tried something new with me than anything.  It shows that I've earned some serious trust, which is fantastic.  I know that if I speak up early, I can muscle through for a while and be good, which lets us stay safe and still get to play around with things and work and make progress.

Afterward, we cleaned up, and got on the road for a long drive, which left Lux and I tired, and we only had a couple hours before a real sleep.

While it may have started hard, the weekend was fantastic, and the week itself has been so far as well.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Settling Back In

Last night, Lux and I got to go to a play party with some of our friends.

And, it means getting to play again, for both of us.  He wants to pursue more play partners finally, playing with me again, and in general.

With the long break from it, I've noticed my mind distancing itself from it, which only tells me that I need it more.

I've been trying to balance out and reset and take care of myself in so many ways.  I need play lately, both for the fun time with people, and the chance to just clear my head of everything and start at a level ground, using the endorphins to sit in a better space.

I need to remember how good regular play is for me. That paying attention to the play I want helps me immensely.

And, seeing that Lux wants to pursue it as well is fantastic.  It shows he's trying to get back to a more comfortable him, and means he'll hopefully be in a better space soon, and that we'll maybe make progress back to where we were as well.

We both need to remember that while sometimes we're not in the space for it, simple play can help us both so much.

To think, punching me in the butt provides so much potential.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Skin Comfort

I very nearly had to walk in and give my father a reality check the other day.

I was sitting in the living room reading, and heard him getting louder, of course needing to show my mom everything he scrolled through on social media, and talk about how everyone is stupid and wrong.  This time he was showing her a picture of a girl with tattoos.

He says "You have all these beautiful girls, and they force you to try and see past these tattoos.  They're just a fad right now, and people don't understand that when they get older, it won't be a fad anymore, and then they'll just be ugly."

My mother responds with "They don't know it isn't attractive.  I see all these people come in with things that get pierced, and then they get infected and they wind up with issues from it."

And oh, did I want to walk in there.  To storm in like a fucking hurricane.  To explain that these girls are beautiful.  Full fucking stop.  They are beautiful because these tattoos being them comfort in their skin, and make them feel like the person they are, and not despite having them.  That they know those tattoos are forever, and that a tattoo they wear every day makes them happier and costs less in the long run than the thousands many people spend on jewelry and only wear once.

Not even that, but they don't get them to be "attractive" to others.  Not because they want to be sexy to others, but because it is what they want.  You don't consider other people when making choices about your own body.  You do what you want, and what makes you happy.

And no, tattoos are not a fad.  They date back thousands of years, and in almost every culture to some extent.  In many of them, tattoos were either a symbol of status, or a way to denote occupation or family.  Tattoos are something people have historically worn with pride, and not as a trend.  Mermaid hair is a trend or a fad.

Which, on that note, talking about the risks of piercings as definites is bullshit.  You don't get a piercing with the intention of having a risk or side effect happen.  Just like every time you dye your hair you risk having an allergic reaction to a new brand of dye.  You get it because you enjoy it.  You take care of it as well as you can, and still sometimes something happens that is out of your control.

I mean, fuck, even my mother had a helix piercing keloid and reject.  It's not like she expected that to happen when she got it.

Saying that you don't find tattoos or piercings attractive is one thing.  It is your preference.  However saying it in absolutes is a complete disrespect for people, and shows your own closed-mindedness and ignorance.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

A Pile

I've been having more projects to manage lately.  Things to do and make and manage and get through.  It's helping my mental state a lot.

Working out has been difficult this summer, but with school starting soon, and a trip to see Lux, it should be a good time to really reset things and start with more preferred habits.

It's amazing, how just the act of having a physical project and something to make can help me feel better.  Even something as massive as what I'm currently making, which happens to kill my hands in the process.

I'm packing up a few things to work on and play with during my trip, and I'm feeling myself be a bit more inspired and motivated.  I'm still feeling very drained due to lack of social stimulation (again, not for lack of trying) but not finding myself overthinking and going into depressive spirals regularly like I was.  I feel like I can be around people, and want to be going and doing things for the act of recharging.

And hopefully, very soon, I'll have the chance to do so.

It's amazing what a ball of thread and some paper can do.