Thursday, June 22, 2017

Unfortunate Lessons

It seems like the end of the year is always really hard for Squishy.  She's now done with school for the year, and the last month or so has been a lot of talking with her about things.

There are some girls in her class that would flip flop with day by day.  One day she'd be telling me they were attacking her, lying to everyone about her, and yelling at her on a near daily basis.  Then she comes home and says they were nice and asks me if they can come over.

And, I know I can't control who she's friends with.  I can however try to talk to her about what is and isn't healthy behavior in people you keep as friends.

She later would tell me about how she would get told off and attacked whenever she didn't want to play the same things as them, and would even do what they wanted for a little bit of time, wanting to compromise, and they would go off on her.  Then, whenever she would ask if someone else in the class wanted to play, these girls would walk up and say they were already going to play with them, not even giving these kids a chance to answer.

It's hard to explain to an eight year old that even though someone is attacking her, she isn't do anything wrong.  That she needs to just keep being her, and that she is a good person at heart, even if she does have a hell of a bossy streak, and does still need to learn a lot.

I've had to explain to her that anyone who only wants you around when you just follow and blindly obey isn't the kind of person you want to be around.  That healthy, decent people consider those around them, and find a way to make themselves happy while doing so.  That friends can argue every day, but those arguments aren't attacks, and you don't use the other person as a distraction to do things you know are wrong.

It's the things you don't think about as a parent that are the hardest sometimes.  And they're important things to learn in life, but you still hate seeing your kid have to learn them, especially so young.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Stuck on a Theory

So, I said I would talk more about Zero, and things going on with him that have me rather cranky.

I had to be all pride though, cause it's the thing to do.

Last time I talked to him, I was trying to make plans for us to hang out, because it's been a while, and he keeps saying he's missed me.  I made a few suggestions of dates that worked with his schedule, and he started saying that he wasn't sure, and might be hanging out with "the girlfriends".

To which, I asked if this new girl had flat out said she wanted poly and to date.  He said "Not yet, but just taking it day by day".  Bitch, if you already started calling this person your girlfriend, when she isn't, and hasn't yet said she wants to be, you aren't taking it "day by day".  You're reaching for an ideal situation in your head, and don't want to accept that things might not be that way.

We continue talking though, and he fills me in that this girl has a ton of serious medical problems.  Like, life threatening, long term permanent medical problems.  And I tell him that he needs to just be patient, and present, and that she probably doesn't have spoons for a relationship on top of everything else.  That just being there might be all that she can handle right now.

He agrees, and we keep talking.

Then he drops the line "I will have her.  She will be mine"

And I'm immediately saying in a most furious manner, "The fuck you say?  Be happy that she is there.  Be happy just having a part of her life.  Don't fixate on a title or specific relationship."

He says very plainly "I'm not after a title"

Ok, you're already calling her your girlfriend, and saying you want her to be "yours".  You are after a title, you are after a picture perfect closed poly triad, and won't see any other situation, and that's being a piece of shit.

If your ability to be happy with a person is entirely dependent on the title and situation attached to them, you don't give a shit about the person.  He isn't interested in building a friendship with this person, just blindly pushing for a picture in his head, and that's shitty for everyone involved.  Unfortunately, no matter how much I repeat myself, it appears he is too fixated to understand that.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Pride Part Are You Tired of This Yet?

Happy Agender day!

As much as this is something that I've actually used to identify me for the shortest time, it's something I've been aware was different about me since I was my daughter's age or younger.

That I didn't recognize any sort of difference between people in regards to their gender, but simply found myself getting along better with boys.  Apparently, the gender divide was already there and strong, because other girls had a lot of issues with that, and attacked me over it.

As I got older, and started to actually have some personal agency over myself (because my family) I found myself wanting to present more masculine, and of course my family then started to shame on me, and again refuse to let me look the way I wanted.  My father still hates that I keep short hair, but he can blow goats.

No real terms for me have ever fit.  In fact, most gendered terms besides pronouns kind of make my brain tweak because they just feel wrong.  Even though I can't correct the majority of people I come into contact with because I know it'll be just cause me to be attacked and gaslit, even though I feel like it's something that fits me correctly.

Since actually deciding on this, I feel more like me.  As though I can embrace this as something that explains me in a more true fashion, that gives me a static identity and leaves no expectations on how I have to be.

This gives me the chance to feel like me, and so much more than when I was younger, and didn't understand why I couldn't just be a person.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Pride Part Two!

Is Polyamory day!

I always want to type polyarmoury.  Nope, that's Lux's closet.

Poly is something I've had to do a lot of talking about lately.  With Zero in his situation (more on that later on because holy hell) it's been kind of awesome to realize that this is an aspect of my life I can actually reflect on and talk about, rather than only having shitty experiences, or flailing with nerves.

Also, I still swear I'm the only person who could manage to accidentally poly.  No idea how to pick up partners even if I wanted to.  Cute boys fall into my lap apparently, and then I decide I like them.  Could be worse.  I think being a nerd that cooks helps.

Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't preach any particular lifestyle as being better than any other.  So long as it's healthy, and fulfills the people involved, then it's awesome.  If it came down to it, I could probably have one partner again and be happy, so long as things were done in a respectful manner.

However, I don't want to do that right now, because cute boys are cute, and I would like to keep them around for a while.

My current poly situation, even with distance, has given me a ton of good experiences.  I feel like I can speak freely with them, which is something I have been able to do very seldom in my past, and even with many people in my life now.  I have no need to feel jealous, and while things are nowhere near perfect, they're each healthier dynamics than most people have probably ever had.

And, honestly, this isn't much easier or harder for me that any other type of dynamic to balance, other than having to make sure I give time to multiple people.  Distance really does make it more difficult than anything, but both boys being around doesn't create nearly the challenge that I had anticipated.  That is probably partially due to me being mentally prepared for it needing a ton of work, and because they're both fantastic.

Unfortunately, I still need to keep quiet about things at home, which is incredibly unfortunate, but it's just one more thing on the pile of not being allowed to be me the vast majority of the time, and then being told I'm a thousand horrible things that I'm not on a daily basis.

The people that put you down for who you are don't want to accept the variations of the world, but this is something I am proud of, because I am incredibly proud of the people in my life.

Thursday, June 08, 2017

Pride Part One!

It's pride month and shit!  And it just so happens that the days that would apply to me actually match my posting schedule!  Which means the next few posts are going to focus on an aspect of me is meant to be celebrated, because it's weird, and that's cool.

Today is Demisexual pride day, and I can clearly say this is something I've been more aware of for the longest time.  The fact that I'm attracted to so few people out there, that for a very long time I had no idea that sexual attraction was actually a thing, and that it was separate from emotional attraction.

Because it's something people especially don't talk much about when they're younger (and for reasons I'll probably get to in a post soon) I thought all this was normal.  As I got a little bit older and figured out what the actual difference was, I thought I was just really picky.  Incredibly picky, and awkward.

Well, the awkward part is right, but that has nothing to do with it.

See, almost every partner I've ever had was a friend first. and while I may not have had a real attraction to them (which is a relatively small percentage of the total) I've always been disinterested in doing anything on a "first date", one night stands, or random anonymous partners of any sort.

In fact, the more I got to know people even after being attracted to them, I didn't grow disinterested or complacent like many people do.  In fact, it's quite the opposite, and I find myself more attracted to them over time.

And it took a while for me to realize how out of the norm that was.  That many people leave their partners just due to not being attracted after a certain amount of time, or wanting to bone several people they see throughout the day.

I realized that my disinterest in porn was born from it.  That I could watch two people going through something and be bored out of my mind, but if a partner suggests it, I will jump at the opportunity, and be giddy to go about it.

Even though I am definitely in the minority with a lot of things due to this, I've never felt like it made me wrong at all.  It's just an aspect of who I am, and honestly, I'd rather be attracted to a few people in my life for the long term, rather than a million people for a few minutes.  Not that there is anything wrong with either, but this certainly seems to be the easier one for me, and it is an aspect of myself that I do take pride in, because it helps make me who I am.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

A Weird Club

Lux and I were chatting the other day, and he asked me if I'd seen Berserk.  I actually just watched it recently, so it was all fresh in my head.  Then he asked me if I felt like Griffith was justified.

If you don't know, Griffith is the leader of a mercenary group who starts taking on a lot of royal contracts, and gaining status while holding onto a cursed pendant.  At one point, he is captured, and tortured every day for three years.  He then is rescued by the protagonist Guts, and his second in command, Casca.  Shortly after, he sees the budding romance of the two of them, then triggers the Eclipse with his pendant, sacrificing his entire group to a collective of greater demons, in order to become a demon himself.  To top it off, he then rapes Casca in front of Guts, who is barely alive.

And, then he sort of helps some people after.

Here's the thing.  He's classically pretty in the silver haired bishounen kind of way.  Which means that he honey dicks everyone.

There are literally piles of articles saying he was justified in doing this.

Needless to say, Lux and I are not in that party.

And, this is where it's gonna trigger every Tumblr feminist ever.

It's mostly women who write these articles, and say that he did nothing wrong.  And those women, are why there are so many predators in geek culture.  Yes, I will victim blame them when they wind up with the wrong person, and no, they get no sympathy from me.  These women romanticise and play pity party to characters just because they look lithe and pretty in a special anime way that honestly is normally saved for villains.  They watch him rape a major female character in front of her lover, the protagonist of the story, who previously considered this person his best friend, then say he did nothing wrong.  I'm sorry, but they're going to wind up in a shitty situation, because they think demonic rapists and perfectly fine and heroic characters.

And sure, there are people who will fetishize that and get off to it.  There's a ton of kinks that scene feeds.  There's a major difference in an aspect of a scene being hot, and excusing that behavior in a character and a person.

Lux and I agree he needs a pineapple tree shoved up his ass.  Not just a pineapple, the whole plant.

And the more people who feel that way, the less welcome predators will feel.

Thursday, June 01, 2017

Welcome Change

Last weekend with Memorial Day, the beast was gone with the gnome for a while, and I had figured on spending the time cleaning through things that really needed sorting, reading, and catching up on a ton of things that I need to start forcing myself into head first.

Well, Lux was just back from a trip to see his family on the island, and wasn't sure when he was headed home.  One morning, he asked what I was up to, and I'm pretty sure my answer didn't matter.  He said he was going to pick me up so I could help him with some things, and we could spend time together.

It was a day out of nowhere, and he was pulled in many different directions mentally, but in several ways, almost seemed like he was better put together than he has been in a while.  And honestly, a lot of things are more resolved now than they were a while ago.  So many things that were up in the air have been decided on, and I think it's brought him peace of mind.  He's been much more affectionate again, and I don't know if that's him forcing it to find his normal, or if he's actually back to wanting that contact.

Either way, I think things are on the way to getting better there, and that things will be improving all around.

We even have plans for me to head north again at the end of June, which I'm looking forward to.

Sometimes, little things bring hope and that's all it takes to make things better.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Processing Problems

Sometimes, I'm reminded that I've learned a lot of things the hard way.  That with the amount of emotional or physical abuse I've dealt with, I do have a lot of typical traits that occur, but I've also picked up a lot of good from it.  I take the time to heal, and look at it all, and realize what is and isn't healthy or acceptable.

Recently, I've realized a few things.

That whole learning process is a very rare thing.

Without dealing with all that shit in the past, I didn't have those poor examples to look at, a lot of people I know just avoid confrontation and full healthy interaction.  They grow complacent, and figure that things don't need real work, or know how to speak of their own needs, because they've never really examined them.  I wouldn't have the mental pressure on myself to be a decent and present partner.

And likewise, after dealing with everything, and then taking the time to examine, I learned exactly what is toxic behaviors.  What really was and wasn't my fault, and what not to ever stand for.  I learned to fight back for my own needs and respect, to continue communicating, and that confrontation isn't a bad thing when done in a healthy manner, and without any malicious intent.

What I'm seeing so much lately though, is people afraid to talk.  Afraid that things from the past will happen again, despite having a different partner.  I see people who don't have that constant internal pressure to take care of everyone after not being cared for themselves.  There are people in my life right now who have such conflicting relationships, and I hear it from both sides, but yet they swear that everything is solid and stable and healthy, when really, they're just both afraid to be alone.

While I don't wish for what I've dealt with to happen to people, it has been advantageous to me since then, but only because I spent the time to learn from it.

Learn from everything.  Dig deep.  Grow constantly, and it'll make things better as time goes on.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Acknowledging Absence

I realized the other day that with the exception of little bits of dopey giggles, it's been months since I've had any sort of kink in my life.  That I grew complacent with it being absent from my life, and while I felt the occasional twinge for it, I found myself blaming my poor mental space for it, and dismissed it.

What I didn't do, was acknowledge how much kink helps me in the day to day.  How much it does give me peace of mind, and makes me function better in the day to day.  Kink and play boosts my mood, and all those wonderful bonding chemicals in my brain.

Unfortunately, my mental state is such that Fusion isn't an option for me.  I can't do any event that large essentially by myself, because for the most part, I will be.  That would have been a good opportunity for me to have play time, but there is too much else that it wouldn't do me much positive in the scheme of things.

I'm going to make it a point to start forcing myself to do more with my time though, and things that I enjoy, and that will do me good.  Part of that, is filling more of my life with kink and play to help myself, and hopefully whoever I spend the time with, to feel better.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Something to try and Shake

I know I said I was going to try and post less negative stuff this year, but holy hell, life saw that post and has been doing everything it can against that.

I've been consistently in one of the shittiest mindspaces I've ever been in.  Things at home consistently get worse, I've been stood up or dropped more times than I can count, and had more things be cancelled, pulled from me, or simply made no longer an option.

I'm feeling alone.  Alone and in constantly growing pile of shit that pulls me further and further from hope and happiness.  I absolutely notice a pile of key symptoms of depression in me, and they're all here and screaming.

A lot of things need to change even with so much stacked against me.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Can be Unspecific

Lately, Zero has been coming to me a lot with issues about poly stuff.

Mind you, he still hasn't actually been in a poly dynamic, but is striving for it.

And, I'm finding that he's becoming more reclusive, and at the same time just hunting for a third.  Like, giving people job requirements when meeting them of "This is the only role I'm looking for to have someone fill in my life right now"

And I looked at everything he was saying, and the issues he's having, and confronted him about them.

He wants a local support network.  People close by that he can confide in, and spend time with.  Well, I might think he needs to get rid of his current partner, because that relationship is toxic, and the things he says he wants he refuses to give to his current partner because he doesn't feel happy around her, but maybe meeting more people will help with that.

I told him though, that he doesn't need a romantic partner to create a support network.  Someone can be present and supportive regardless of the role in their life without being a partner, just like some partners only want a surface connection as a secondary relationship.  It is determined by the things that build over time, and the kind of people you bring in, and what everyone wants in life.

I told him to look just for connections and supportive people.  That stopping to desperately look for someone to fill one single box, will make more people willing to put time in with him.

And guess what, he found one.  Someone who might not be comfortable with poly, but wants to be involved, and show support, and give him time.

Of course, he comes to me again because his girlfriend is already feeling jealous and like things are one sided.

Well, he'll either figure out that he wants one healthy relationship elsewhere, or they'll put real work in to fix all of it, and realize how fucked what he has is.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Yet Another

It's Mother's Day again.  And I have to say, that since becoming a mom, I've had this day go from being absolute shit, to apathy over it, and now like all other holidays, feeling ignored.

It's a day when I have no voice, and am actively disregarded for no reason.  A day when I've been the target of abuse when others have fucked up.  

A day when I'm told I should be acknowledged, but then told that other people who are toxic as meant to be celebrated, and given whatever they want.

And so, it's become a day that I've come to actively hate.  A day where it just reinforces that everyone here looks at me like I'm not a person.  And I'm tired of it.

Because I am a person.  And I'm a mom because I was forced to be, and a damned caring one, that fights tooth and nail to teach and raise my daughter right.  I am worth celebrating, and I'm glad at least my kid knows that.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Maybe some men sometimes?

On Sunday morning, I was the first one out of bed.  I shambled my way down the stairs, and started the coffee.  As I sat down, with my warm mug of happy comfort, I took a few sips, and my mom shambled down as well, looked at me, and asked if I wanted to go to the flea market in search of produce.

The year round farmers market we would normal hit up is currently closed, so it's been hard to find decent produce, but the weekend prior we went to a further flea market, and found so much we stopped when we literally couldn't carry any more.

We went to one closer, which I've known had turned into a shit pile, but she insisted anyway.  As we walked from the parking lot, to find the fruits and veggies we hunted for, I found myself being the target of near constant comments.  People in near consistence either saying that I deserve an award for looking so much like a freak, about how fucked up my clothing was, or at the same time making passes in incredibly disrespectful ways.

My mother, being oblivious, didn't hear a single one, and to avoid her dealing with walking away and getting lost while I proceeded to punch every single one of them in the jaw, continued walking.
Then we went to a different market, and found a ton of stuff, and I have been munching on fruit since.  Hooray!

However, I noticed that every single person who was making those comments toward me were middle aged white men sitting by themselves.  Every single one.

And it just reinforces about most of the shit I've dealt with.

Mind you, I'm not a man hating feminist.  Most of my friends are now, and have always been guys.  I have a wonderful collection of respectful and fantastic men in my life, and I know I will find more throughout time.

It seems like there is just this generation or so of guys, that just feel entitled to be assholes.  From my dad and uncle, to people I find in the street, to people I talk to at events, and all others.  But it seems like some age bracket just feels like they can treat someone with less respect just because they don't have the same genitals, or dress the same way.

And I know, there are outliers in everything, but holy hell, does it feel like the percentage goes up with age.

I look forward to treating people with more respect as further generations come about, and the assholes become less and less acceptable.

Sunday, May 07, 2017

Ready to Stick

I've been trying to actually do more to pursue getting into better shape.  Of course, it's all hard to actually do here, as I fight for healthy foods, and then see only meat and potatoes in my fridge.  I'm trying to make the most of the little things in the house, and create small adjustments to eat better, and feel better.

It's much harder to do this time around, than when I lost all the weight after Squishy.  I've cut out most sugars comparatively, and don't drink many calories, as well as limit processed foods to a minimum.  What worked the first time still exists, so the only place to really go from here isn't much of an option in my current situation.

And there isn't much advice out there for people in my situation.  Apparently the average person lives off fast food, never exercises, and chugs soda and frilly coffee drinks.  Obviously making changes from that will cause massive differences.  There isn't much out there for people who already have longstanding healthier habits formed, but just want the next step past there.

However, I'm trying, and it's sort of working.  I'm putting on more muscle, and my posture is improving again, as well as losing bits of mass overall.

Still not feeling like me, but I'll get there.

Thursday, May 04, 2017

By my Lonesome

Lux and I were having a conversation in a diner about a handful of things while I was up there, prior to some grocery shopping that needed to get done.  It was a few really important things we needed to go over, on several topics, and then apparently I reminded him of something that he often forgets about.

When we go out places, I'm usually with someone.  I very rarely walk anywhere at night by myself, even though Lux encourages me to go out by myself if he decides to stay in when we go out to something on the larger side.

He forgets though, that as someone small, and female bodied, who is pretty blatantly sex positive, and while I intimidate women, a lot of men who don't shy away from me tend to look at me like an easy target.  In fact, there have been very few venues I've gone to where at some point someone didn't try to go further than I was comfortable.

And Lux knows that I'm not an easy target, because I'm going to keep anything I don't want happening from taking place.  I'm almost always armed, and they don't know that I've got more fight in me than the vast majority of people.  Hell, he's seen me handle things before.

But that's the thing.  I don't want to have to handle things everywhere I go.  I don't want to have to deal with being a target.  I deal with it too much already, and practically go through the motions of getting rid of someone when they try to corner me against something.

And if just having someone else there fixes that, even if I'm the one that is actually more of a threat, then that's what I'll do to just avoid the situation.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

On Empty

This week has been incredibly draining.  Every day there has been something else happening that has just left me more and more fried.

The old man has been throwing screaming fits telling me how I'm too stupid to function.  This is after I am asked to literally put cookies on a plate for him to offer people who come over and prepping a pot of coffee, because he admits he "can't handle doing that" himself.

Gnome has been bringing Squishy home super late on weekends he takes her, both on a holiday (so she spent none of it with us, making my mom a pissy pain in the ass to boot) and on a school night.  Not only that, but I sent her with a school project over her spring break, and in that week, and the weekend after they had barely anything done, but swore they'd get it done this weekend.  I told him to just bring it down, and we'd finish it.  Well, there was so little done, and almost all incorrect, which meant we needed to do it all over, in a week before it was due.  What took him over a week to barely start, the beast and I did in three days, and we needed to pick up a new printer.

She also had a color run at school for a fundraiser.  That on the bright side was fun because it meant I got to throw color at the kids.

Lux had some stuff happen with his family, and had to change his plan to come south this weekend.

And I had to write out a really hard email to Kitty, that we still haven't gotten to talk about much, but we will soon.

Ma was in a car accident.  She's fine, and the car drives, but the passenger door is gonna need work.

I feel drained.  Like I'm running on empty.  I feel like I need a beating (after this sunburn from the color run heals) and an adventure, and some form of stability.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Crisis Vision

Even when I was a teenager, I got calls when shit hit the fan.  Massive things happened, and I was the person who could figure out what to do.  The one who reminded other people to breathe, and stayed calm and handled things.

For some reason, I kept my composure during these massive explosions.  I can keep cool, and direct things, and figure out what to do, and help everyone, or take action myself.

The little things though.  They tear me apart.  I freak, want to curl up in a ball, and hit things, and scream.

And, I think it's because there is so little I can do.  With an abusive household, the little things happen a lot, and it winds up turning into me venting to Lux a lot, even though he doesn't deserve it with everything else going on right now.

Little issues, and small problems with people being assholes get to me way more than they should.

And, I think it's that those little things are so constant.  So consistent, and without me able to just do what's necessary to fix it they all pile up, where the larger more immediate crises are big yes, but get handled, and eventually come to a close.

Maybe, the little things after so long aren't so little, and that's why I have such a shitty time with them.

Sunday, April 23, 2017


So, I'm pretty open with the general public about the goings on in my life.  About kink, and poly, and gender, and all those things.  Obviously, I don't let it take over conversation with my vanilla friends, and am able to keep things professional and appropriate when needed, but I don't feel a need to hide that from every other aspect of my life.

At home though, I deal with listening to my parents spewing all the bigoted shit about how so many people who aren't almost completely heteronormative are broken, sick, looking for attention, or a thousand other things.  I listen to them reference things I identify with, and that they believe those people demented.  They tell me that because I don't have a stereotypical relationship, I'm being taken advantage of, and that I'm just being stupid.

And so even though I'm not gay, or trans, I'm in the closet at home, with so many aspects of my life.

It's stressful honestly, and I don't know how so many people do it with everyone for so many years of their lives.  I absolutely don't blame them for taking so long to trust people, and constantly worrying.

Because with them, and anyone they know I'm abusive, abused, and disturbed only because I like kink.

I'm a cheating horrible bitch of a homewrecker because I have more than one partner.

I'm looking for attention, and delusional because I'm agender.

But the fact that I have been abused is just because I'm a stupid piece of shit, not because I wasn't taught what healthy interaction is.

They prove my point just with that.

And this is why I try to explain so much to my daughter, because while I may not be able to tell her everything out of fear of my family finding out, she can become aware and accepting of that in others.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

My Own Skin

I've been thinking a lot about how looking like me, and feeling like me helps my mood.

I went through my old clothes a while ago, and got rid of a lot of stuff that fit poorly, or was getting old, or things that had been bought for me that I just hated.  Since then picking out clothes makes me feel like I'm being me, rather than having to force myself to act like me while in someone else's clothes.

I generally dress very differently how society would deem "normal", or a preferred way from anyone else in my house, and a lot of people I know.  I also have a lot of things about my appearance that have me regularly getting stared at in public, and told are bad or stupid decisions.

Here's the thing though.  The choices I make about my appearance are the kind of thing that is damn near impossible to actually get me down on.  Because those things make me who I am.  They make me feel like me, and I can't be brought down for that.  My goal isn't to just follow fashion, or dress in a way that makes my dysmorphia scream just to shut other people up.

Fighting my dysmorphia means doing things that make me feel like I'm in my skin rather than someone else's.  It means having a body that feels and looks like mine.  My tattoos, and my piercings help me feel like my body is me, and the way I dress helps too.

I think the biggest thing I've ever had to learn over time is that I am me, and I need to embrace that.  Anyone who wants me to be someone else isn't worth my time.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Little but Fierce

The day after I arrived in the frozen north, Lux and I went grocery shopping for the week.  He was happy not to have to cook for a week, and I enjoy grocery shopping, and cooking.

As we were checking out, Lux found a cashier that he normally flirts with the entire time.  As he's trying to casually flirt in the same way that he usually would, and I very clearly have no problem with it, being polite, and bagging things up so they can talk, she suddenly gets very quiet, and even moreso as I respond to Lux.

We walked out, and went to load up the truck, and I pointed out something to Lux that I've been meaning to write about anyway.

Most women are incredibly intimidated by me.

More often than not, women treat me like shit because they don't know how to act around me.  I mesh very well with more masculine people, put off a very masculine energy, and generally don't give a fuck what people think of me so long as they are respectful.  Women in general seem to not know what to do with that.  It's caused a lot of women to either treat me like shit if they're also interested in my partner, or be incredibly distant, which honestly isn't going to help them, so I don't know why they do it.

I've apparently been the source of a few break ups in my time, because I became the friend of a guy, and we would hang out, and be nerds, and I'd become a bro in a totally platonic way.  Because they were either insecure, or just didn't believe a female bodied person could be friends with a guy without it becoming anything more, it would create explosions, and destroy the relationship.

I think it's weird, and sometimes, it's funny.  Women who are dishonest, or manipulative, or have any of a plethora of negative traits can be friends with each other, but because they are more feminine or avoid men as friends because they feel like you can only speak to someone of a gender you're attracted to if you want to have sex with them.

People can deal with the fact that I am strong, and that I can be a force of nature.  But honestly, dealing with that just means treating me like I am a person, with simple respect and decency.