A New Devious Chapter

 I've kept up with the blog for a very long time.  From posting twice a week for many years, to posting once, it's been a massive project of devotion and commitment that I have always managed to write in.  Originally it was something to hold me accountable, and then something for someone else to look in on, it held purpose and had a use for a long time. However, in the last few months it feels like an obligation amongst all the things I do.  I'm having trouble figuring out ways to make interesting post ideas, and it's lost the focus from how things started here.  Where this was labeled as a new chapter, it's been at least a decade, and there have been multiple chapters of my life in that time. And with that said, I'm entering another new chapter, and I think this one doesn't involve reflection here.  There are many things that I want to try in order to grow and make myself better, and making sure there is a full post here every week defeats some of the point

 When I got home from my bout with covid, I was inspired to get things put together at Rabbit's, and make the house there ready for us to move in.  We had so many ideas about how to get the house functional, cleaned up, and looking like a real home.  Knowing that this year we move in together, we both are feeling excited and impatient, and ready to get things prepared. I had to go home though, to my puppy and my kid, and two weeks worth of falling behind on work that wasn't touched.  I was completely unaware of the situation I was going home to, with what my parents had done or not, or Squishy as well.  The next week was also all the birthdays, which meant even more on my plate. Well, Squishy was herself, and didn't make anything easier on me.  I was still run down from being sick, with a mountain of things to catch up on as well as I could, and anxiety about a myriad of ideas, and she was being difficult at every turn.  I wasn't getting answers about anything, and she&

 This isn't even going up when my weekly post normally should, so clearly, things haven't been going as planned. We had the new years party, and all manner of things with my initial visit with Rabbit, and then I wasn't feeling well.  He made the call to have me stay for a couple more days, which he wasn't going to complain with, and well, we both wound up sick, and that turned out to be covid. This round was technically a little more mild than when we had it last year, but very different for both of us.  I should have gotten some things done while recovering, instead I took the time to mostly just try and maintain some level of keeping the place straightened for Rabbit and just rested with him.   It was tough after a while.  I started reading more by the last few days, and got an amount of crochet done on my new large project.  We did a lot of talking about the future though, and how we want the house to work.  While we're on the same page for most things, there are

 The last year wasn't easy, and felt like one thing after another constantly without any rest.  What started with dogs and covid, to my first trip out of the country, to strange situations in Rabbit's home, becoming engaged, and so many more things.  It's been ups and downs and events of all sorts just getting through the year.   And through the year, there have been so many times that I have been in tears.  I have wept and processed and felt more than I remember myself every doing as an adult.  It comes with learning how much trauma I hold from my existence this far, and trying to heal from it.  As I navigate this relationship, and I wind up in spaces that caused me the trauma and damage in the first place, it hits harder because I have a space where I get to leave survival mode.  I get to actually learn about safe and healthy existence, and how caring treatment exists. At the same time, I have had so much good happen.  I have gotten to see more of the world than I ever th

 Amidst it all, we have even rockier roads.   I found out last minute that the weekend after Chanukah had Squishy going up to her father for one last visit before Christmas.  I had enough things to do that I would have been busy at home, but told Rabbit about her leaving as soon as I knew.  Without pause, he asked if he could come get me for the weekend.  I brought up his returning to work, and so it sat in limbo a bit, but I told him that instead of getting specific things I needed to do, I could accomplish some other tasks which would make a lot easier. Rabbit had prep to do for returning to work, and still needed to finish the yard after the neighbor filed complaints.  Where I had intended to get other things done, I wound up helping with that all weekend, after we had said things were more relaxed than we thought, and there were other things that I needed to get done.  We also wanted to go and spend time together, having not had the chance to just have a date together recently. We

 After all of the explosions on all sides, I had two days home to try and get things done before heading out with Rabbit again.  I was suddenly dumped with the mental load of a home that expected me to do without any regard for anything, and it was quickly affecting me.  Even with everything we were juggling out at Rabbit's, I found it easier on my mental state than just being home for two days.  He saw what was happening, and felt badly for me.  I explained that this has been what I was raised to think was normal, and he immediately felt stressed about it, and wanted to get me out of the house and moved in with him. However, we got Squishy home from school, and all packed up to head out.  The plan, even with the obstacles, was to have dinner with his parents for Chanukah, and then the next day he could tackle the yard while we cleaned in the house, and then have a Friday dinner at his place.  Most of his parents' friends weren't feeling up to celebrating, but we knew that

 I was supposed to have one and a half weeks between Thanksgiving and Channukah.  That time was meant to be used for a thousand things, caught in the juggle of catching up with everything I make, gifts, holidays, parenting, and general life.  Every day was going to be nonstop, but I had a plan for it all. The Friday before Channukah I called Rabbit to wake him up, and within an hour he found out that a neighbor who was consistently hollering at him over nothing, or calling the cops on things that wasn't him had filed with the township about his front yard being "unsightly".  He also got told by one of his new roommates that he wasn't able to make rent, and had to deal with a someone showing up to do some pest treatments.  As he was driving away from all this, he got a call saying animal control was there, because the same neighbor had filed another complaint about noise and the yard being a "health hazard" due to smell and feces, which is interesting conside