A New Devious Chapter

It's the end of another year, and so, time to reflect on everything that's happened. I've learned that everyone I'm directly related to is toxic. That I was raised with no idea of what a healthy relationship was. That I will never be acknowledged as a person by my parents, and subsequently it teaches my daughter to do the same. I reconnected with one of the best people ever to come into my life. I discovered that I am poly, when I have healthy relationships around. I got into better shape, expanded my flexibility, and taught myself to do new things. My skills in a lot of arts were pushed, and I learned a lot. There were many new adventures, which were fantastic experiences. I was cared for, which is far beyond what I have at home. I tried as much as I possibly could to be a supportive partner, and take care of those important to me. Posted via Blogaway

I'm feeling emotionally torn apart.  Between Lux, and Kitty right now, I have a lot of stuff taking up my energy. Kitty has a primary that he lives with.  She is in the military for medicine, and is about to start her residency.  Well, she recently got her assignment. They were expecting something that would have them relocating just about an hour away for it to be more convenient.  She had also interviewed near where her other partner lives, across the country, where she went to college, and near his brother, again on the west coast.  I wasn't the happiest about any of those, because they all put him farther away from me, and I do enjoy spending time with my kitty. However, despite the planning, she was stationed somewhere else.  All the way down in Florida.  Where none of us know anyone to point them towards a social circle, or help them build a life.  And where Kitty has very little chance of finding a job in his field, or a good option for ...

If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm not a big fan of the holidays.  They seriously drain me, provide a massive amount of stress, and in general make me rather cranky.  And to top it off, my family has a tendency of forgetting me around this time of year.  Treating me more like shit than usual, but ignoring, and forgetting about me.  Mind you, I'm not the materialistic type.  I don't want much, usually because anything I'm told I'll get by most never happens, or I'm told no to things I need.  It's how I grew up, and it's always a bit of a shock to find out how abnormal it is. But, as you can see, this sort of environment doesn't make for much Christmas spirit.  It's why I'd get so upset with Thrax, when he'd literally spend thousands on Bit (usually on things from my wishlists, or that he'd previously promised me), then realize he forgot to get me anything, and yell at me that I was wrong and he was waiting for it to show if I aske...

Recently, I saw a game that was more like going for a weird emotional ride.  A game that showed things from back in the day of using AIM, and editting thoughts or backing out of things as you went along.  Of unspoken feelings, and lost opportunities. And, a year ago, it would have hit me really hard.  The game is about the protagonist, and his best friend, a girl, and their conversations from the end of high school and the subsequent few years following.  He never says how he feels, and sees her leave, winding up with someone who is likely emotionally abusive, and losing that friendship. And, a year ago, I had thought Kitty was near out of my life permanently.  He was with someone who was jealous, and controlling, and had moved in order to further his life in a way that he couldn't here.  He knew how much I cared, but I thought that I'd lost him from my life. And at the same time, a year ago Lux had just recently moved, and I was seeing him less often....

Lately, I barely have time to breathe.  This time of year is always busy for me, trying to make happen everything my family needs, and consequently getting shit on.  Hooray. We celebrate Channukah as well as Christmas, so when Thanksgiving comes around, we're pretty much in constant holiday prep, and guess who is constantly cleaning up messes and doing the work. The cookiepocalypse is in full swing, and so I've been baking nonstop, and working on a few other things.  Doing this around holiday logistics is less than fun, but luckily there is only a little while longer to deal with it. This time of year always has my stress levels through the roof.  It fucks with my cycle and always has me feeling wonky.  To top it off, Lux and Kitty are both so swamped at work that I barely hear from them, and it just drags me down more.  Soon though, the holidays will be done, and I'll have time with the people I really care about, and it'll make things much better. Pos...

The last few weeks I've been waist deep in projects.  Not just any projects mind you, but very detailed, time consuming, and intricate projects.  Things that kill my hands, make me feel exhausted, and sometimes are just overwhelming.  I made my father a snuggly couch blanket.  Contrasting colors that vibrate, and it's a good size to curl up with.  It was almost a month of working on it for two hours a day. I made kitty and his primary some plushies.  New patterns for me, and plushies are always a bit of a pain.  Making sure everything is the right size, and lined up correctly is difficult.  They loved them though. Since the summer, I've been working on a set of blankets.  Star wars blankets, comprised of two dozen separate panels, each featuring a different picture.  They're finally in the finishing phases, and have been a major source of frustration. I made Lux what I simply referred to as the masochistic project when I talked to hi...

I see graphics, and captions, and posts and comments with this all the time.  It's a constant, and has become standard terminology for the vast majority of the country.  And for some reason, the words never stick with me. Things with the words "Every good girl has a bad side" or "Find a girl who is naughty just for you".  And, I just don't read it the same way most people do.  My incredibly high sex drive isn't bad.  My enjoyment of sucking cock isn't bad, and my sadomasochism isn't naughty.  These things are simply part of me, and I never use them in an ill manner. Telling me that I'm bad will simply make me not want to share that part with you.  It becomes hidden like so much of me does to the vast majority of people.  Saying I'm bad is telling me I'm doing something you don't like, and considering that it's often said with a boner in hand, it's telling me something very different.  Being bad is causing harm.  It'...

Last weekend Lux came to visit after spending the holiday with his parents.  And it couldn't have come at a better time.  We've both been at our limits with other people, and needed time to just enjoy each other. Up until a few days before, I didn't even know if he'd be visiting.  His parents have been wonky about him spending time with me for some really weird reasons, and it has caused him to have to do things he doesn't want to in order to keep the peace with them.  A part of me was really afraid that he'd opt for the entire time with them just to make them happy. And, when the weekend came, I thought they were playing games to keep him there, and from seeing me.  Not giving him an answer of whether they needed him to do anything, and stopping him from leaving.  Luckily, he's so much better than that, and made it over early in the afternoon, fried with them, and ready to relax with me for a day and let off some steam.  He apparently put his foot d...

I have no problem at this point saying that Thrax was abusive, neglectful, and an all around asshat.  He would constantly tell me how he wanted to play with, and fuck other girls, then tell me I wanted too much sex and play.  And by too much, it meant any at all.  We almost completely stopped playing once we were actually dating, and even though I would ask, and express interest, without it being constant, he would constantly make excuses, and tell me I was being irritating.  Every so often to shut me up, he would throw my cuffs on me, and do something outside of out broken record of sex, which usually just meant me bending over the bed instead of being on top. Needless to say, this had me feeling more undesirable than usual, neglected, and lonely.  I felt like shit in regards to how he wanted to play with everyone else but me. I mentioned last week about how Lux has had trouble kicking himself in the ass enough to quit hiding from play.  It'd been a real...

Last weekend, I had to sit for my pseudo nephew while his father, who I refer to as an older brother, because he's been in my life since I was born helped my parents with something.  While waiting for a third person to show up, said older brother said I needed to supply anime, and we'd get booze later and have a night to bs. And, it wasn't bad.  I picked out the booze, so nothing weird or gross was there.  You know how most people get drunk, and feel relaxed, or have less inhibition?  Well, I lose motor function and that's it.  I actually get a bit more uptight sometimes because I get frustrated over that lack of physical ability.  I kept texting Lux saying how I don't understand why people enjoy being drunk.  I drink because I enjoy the taste of booze, but for me it's like having a piece of cake.  Every so often I want some, but after a serving, the craving is gone.  Normally, he's used to only seeing me around my parents.  Which mea...

As is appropriate every year on Thanksgiving, the following is a collection of what I am thankful for. * Self awareness, and the ability to learn and grow within myself * The best support structure I've ever had in life, in the form of a fantastic domly dragon, and the return of my wonderful kitty, each of which have their own place in my life which no standard title would ever fit what they are to me * The realization that I am apparently poly, but just really picky.  And apparently should trust my type * Having seen and felt the effects of unbalanced and inconsiderate assholish poly, so that I have a better knowledge of the importance of the care I need to put into those in my life * Adventures, which help me experience new things, and build memories * A talent with the arts that will have me constantly making leaps and strides in my work * The ability to cook, and bake, and an enjoyment in doing so that brings people together * The inspiration to go do and see all sorts ...

Shortly after Lux and I started hanging out, he went through a breakup.  As most somewhat unexpected ends to relationships will do, this left him in an odd mental state, feeling rather reluctant to indulge in the things he experienced in that relationship, and blamed himself, and those things as a part of the break.  A good bulk of these things had to do with power exchange, and sadism, which while sometimes present in our lives together, it's at a very surface level, and just the smallest taste before he needs reassurance that we're both ok, and that no damage has been done. Given that I was also fresh off the breakup with Thrax, this left me in no mood to be submissive, and so I was fine with the lack of power exchange, and happy to build a solid egalitarian friendship to see where it evolved.  As time went on though, accidental dynamics occurred, and became more prevalent.  We acknowledged their existence, and while he would tell me he craved power exchange, and ...

While Kitty and I were having dinner together, I explained my friendship with Zero.  About how he's a very natural beta type personality, and sees me as his alpha, which is why I'm usually the person with him when he tries going somewhere.  Kitty remarked that he doesn't see me as an alpha type, because I've always acted as a sidekick in his eyes. And with him, yes, I've always been there right next to him helping.  I'm an extra set of hands, because he is motivated, and driven, but sometimes needs that unspoken coordination of a well oiled machine. I strive not to be the alpha who simply marches around wanting to be in charge, but rather one that does what is necessary to build up, and inspire those I care about.  It's not a matter of power exchange, although that can become part of it, but rather a small part of the service which shows that I care about someone. Lux needs someone who can make decisions sometimes.  Someone who will kick him in the butt, ...

Long ago, back in my teenage years I was pretty self aware, though less than I am now.  More of a sociopath, without the proper channeling, used it often as a weapon rather than an aid. I dated a few boys in my teens, and none of them lasted very long.  To be honest, I would tell myself that I'd been single for a while, and find a boy to date to shut everyone up.  These were boys I had very little attachment to, and hadn't really been friends with beforehand.  After a few weeks, they'd be gone, usually because they couldn't understand how cold and overly logical I tend to be. And through all but my first boyfriend, Kitty was there.  He was my best friend through it all, and I've felt the exact same about him since I was 16.  Often, when people would see he and I out together, they'd ask if we were dating, or something similar.  I'd laugh, say that he has a girlfriend at home, I have a boyfriend, but that he was way more important.  We wouldn't f...

Last weekend was my first time seeing Kitty in far too many years.  And it was probably something close to being out of a storybook.  We were best friends that were a hair away from a very serious relationship for reasons on both sides.  We were the support structure for each other, and even though we'd bash heads once in a while, it was because we simply hadn't learned to communicate properly with each other, and shortly after, we'd be back to our snuggly giggly normal. Falling back into what had so naturally was almost surreal.  Like time apart didn't matter, and even though we had these experiences without the other there, it didn't affect us at all.  The only difference I noticed was us not holding hands constantly, but we took every possible chance to snuggle and hug and have all the little affectionate touches that help us both. While we threw around a bunch of ideas of things to do, we wound up wandering Philly, babbling about random things, and going r...

The weekend of Halloween was hectic to say the least.  While at the beast's parade at school, my mother tripped on the blacktop, and wound up breaking her wrist.  Which means I've had to take over everything for a house where I'm treated like complete shit. Now, it's rather obvious that for me service is a form of affection.  It's how I show I care, and it comes naturally, and near effortlessly for those I'm close to. For environments like the one I live in aren't the case for this though.  It's psychologically similar to having to fuck a stranger at gunpoint on camera while being ordered about the whole time if the person were vanilla.  And while that sounds dramatic, it's honest. Luckily, I hade Lux here over the weekend, who provided me much needed snuggles the entire time he was here.  He could tell how off I was, and kept being sure to hug me and make me smile.  It was such a tremendous help, and without him there, I would have been a total m...

So, one of my oldest friends has in the last couple years decided that he wants to open his relationship into a poly dynamic.  He is interested in the idea of a closed poly situation, where the larger number of partners becomes almost like a supportive net instead of only having one partner to go to. And in all of these years since, he's yet to actually put out the effort to try and find a third.  He has no experience with polyamory, other than the concept, and things he reads.  I happen to follow one of his blogs, and with regular consistency he posts all this pro-poly stuff.  And that's cool.  I have no issue with it.  But what I don't like is when he starts reposting things that regularly put poly situations above mono ones.  Saying that monogamous, or monoarmorous dynamics are inferior or wrong.  To spout this when he's been stubborning through an emotionally abusive relationship with one partner for over a decade now, is basically his way o...

So, a while ago I was watching the end of a game.  One of those story style games where you choose what your character says or does, and the actions and story around you are molded by your choices.  The basic plot is that you are a girl at an art school in her home town.  You decide to go there so you can find your old best friend again, after being apart for a few years.  Another girl has gone missing, and so you're trying to find out about that, and discover that you have the ability to rewind time. And when you meet your bestie again, and constantly throughout the story, you're saving her from dying.  You do everything you can, and even in the last episode of the game, you spend half the time rewriting the entire story just to save her. And then the final decision comes.  As you watch a storm destroying your home town, you stand hand in hand with the one person who knows you, and has been there the entire time, and you have to decide whether to go bac...

The next two weekends have managed to keep my mood from being total garbage lately with how things at home have been.  I'm really looking forward to them, and the positive effect they should have on me.  This coming weekend is Halloween, and Lux is coming to visit.  We had thought about going to something nearby, but from the sound of things, we'll just be spending time together relaxing.  The only thing we've decided we need to do, is snuggle up with blankets and coffee and be crotchety old people with pipes.  Possibly while handing out candy, as my sister has off of work specifically to take the beast trick-or-treating.  I also intend to do a lot of cooking, as tradition on Halloween says that when everyone is out harvesting candy, some food must be made which is easy to just grab whenever people get hungry.  Usually my mother would make hotdogs and chili, but I'm thinking a couple different kinds of soup, and bread.  Maybe if everyone is in I'...

Recently, Kitty and I were talking about how we want to continue working towards getting into better shape.  He jokingly said he needs to find a good source of cardio, and I of course responded with saying he should just ask his primary to help, now that they live together. He responded by saying that it wasn't that easy, and that his sex drive is so high is causes problems, and that he's probably clinically fucked up for how high it is. Become super protective and caring of my best friend you say?  That's exactly what happened. I remembered him saying he had an abnormally high libido way back when we first started having sex.  Having had no idea what the "normal" range was at that point, and not knowing where I fell on the spectrum, I didn't realize that I was just as abnormal as he was.  He would tell me that it was causing issues with the relationship he was in at the time, and that he was used to it. And, I suppose this issue is almost expected for guy...

I read an article the other day that had a ton of confessions about sex.  How people feel while having sex with their partners, and it was all very sad to see how unhappy so many people are with the sex they have. The most common complaint was that they get bored.  That they don't have fun with their partners, don't enjoy the sex, and so they distract themselves by going through other thoughts. And, this is sad, for all parties involved.  Sure, we should all want our partners to have fun, and do what we can to make that happen, but if they don't communicate, or just brush off the possibility of making things better, that's their fault too.  Admittedly, I got incredibly bored during sex with both Thrax and the gnome.  Not only was all sex this rushed chore, but it was the exact same thing every time, like a broken record.  And when you basically are just going through the motions like your morning routine, sex isn't going to be fun. Both of them also bla...

I've posted on here before that I don't believe in looking for people to fill specific roles in my life, but rather seeing simply what spot they make themselves comfy in.  I've described this to people as seeing if there is a box they decide they enjoy climbing into, and then they put a label on whatever relationship we have together.  It's why I frequently give people nicknames, rather than more traditional titles. Well, Lux came to visit last weekend, and while he was supposed to spend the night, he decided to just stop by for a while because of an issue with his parents.  While explaining to me what was going on, he referred to me as his best friend, which made me simultaneously incredibly proud, and cared for, but also a bit sad.  I always say that Kitty is my best friend because he was for the longest time.  It was the healthiest, most supportive relationship I'd had for such a long period of my life. And now Lux is such an important person to me, and for...

Long ago, shortly after my grandmother passed away, my mother got my dad his obnoxiously huge tv for being patient during all the running around to nursing homes, and doctors, and packing, and legal stuff.  Well, when he picked one out, and it arrived at the house, the picture was nowhere near the quality it should have been.  We went back to the store, and my dad tried to return it, only to start arguing over return policies and crap.  My mother looks at me, leans over, and says "The boy in charge of the department right now has been checking you out.  You should go flirt with him, and get them to take back the tv." To which I asked my mom if she was on drugs, and ignored her.  For many reasons.  A significant part of which is because I have no idea how to flirt.  It would also be a seriously dick move to try and manipulate some boy, just to do something for my parents.  Story ends with someone else walking in, and explaining that the particul...

With it now being fall, I've been looking at what I want to accomplish in the next few months.  What places I want to go to, things to make, and general ideas and goals.  It's a normal thing that I do with the changing seasons to keep organized. There's quite a few things I want to cook and bake now that it's cooler out, and there's a lot of things I want to make for the holidays, as well as some garb that needs repairing from Pennsic.  I should be able to get through quite a bit in the coming weeks.  Kitty and I are also pretty determined to get some time together, which has me incredibly excited, because we both agree that we let there be distance between us for far too long. Lux and I also tend to make up little to-do lists fairly seasonally.  We don't always tackle them, but they're things we'd really like to do together. And what does an adventurous partnership of sociopaths that indulge in power exchange plan for during the fall? Well, right no...

Kitty and I were talking about playing the other day.  He has apparently become one of the most popular fire tops on the east coast recently, and we decided he should set me on fire sometime soon.  We talked about how it'll likely turn into a ton of giggles as soon as he lights me up, and we'll have to do more work to keep focused than actually lighting me up.  I also said that I likely wouldn't flinch at all due to trust. He said that given the giant gouts of flame he gets off of people, he would absolutely expect me to react.  To which I said I have a level of trust in him that the people he lights up at events would never have.  It's not the safe feeling you have with a professional, but the fact that I've been a crying mess in his arms and seen his panicked protectiveness kick in.  I know that if he ever did any damage to me, he'd never forgive himself. Like I know that no matter how hard Lux wails on me, I'm completely safe.  The few times that...

So, I've been kind of bummed lately, due to the state of things at home.  In order to keep from dwelling on the bad, I'm going to make a list of the good things that bring me comfort and happiness. Night time in the car A cigar and a cup of coffee Walking around somewhere calm with friends Watching others play videogames, and providing witty banter Simple food made well.  Fancy stuff can be nice, but I prefer simple savory comfort flavors. Cooking for loved ones The smell of candles lit with a match Hiding in blankets with a book Random silly conversations Comfy snuggly sex.  Even if it's violent, or full of misogyny, or whatever else, I should want to snuggle with my partner Flailing around to music Making something new Learning Helping friends Sitting outside in the fresh air Old fantasy movies Silly anime Violent anime Sore muscles, and bruises Endorphin highs Watching fire The smell of warm vanilla Being naked And I'm sure a ton more things....

A few days ago, someone I used to talk to contacted me again for the first time since I kicked out the gnome.  We chatted for a bit, catching up, and just general bs. She informed me that her marriage had fallen apart, due to lack of work on both their parts from the sound of it, but I could tell she was spinning it in a way that villainized him, and as of the beginning of summer, they were officially divorced. She also said that on Halloween she's getting married again. Now, I know that it takes at least 18 months to get a divorce in this state, but a span of two years isn't really enough to get mentally clear of your last relationship (which had to involve courts and custody and extra stuff due to their son) find someone, get through new relationship energy, then decide on, and plan a wedding.  We also know my opinion on weddings, but that's less valid here, this is just solid time logic.  I think it takes at least a year to figure out how you mesh with a person....

I mentioned how my friend last weekend decided to piss off Lux last weekend in the middle of a story. The story was about a friend of his, who is transitioning, and he finds their new behviours as they try to as their new gender to be unattractive.  He was explaining this, as it was appropriate to a picture he had seen, where he saw a woman to be attractive, but her body language wasn't, and this transitioning friend is frequently pushing a lot of the same habits and postures. My friend, before Lux even finished the story, started accusing Lux as being transphobic, shoving the idea down his throat without actually listening to him.  Needless to say, the judgement like that had Lux upset, and then she decided to go on about how she had to learn to profile people as a defense mechanism, and in a most condescending way told Lux he "was still a good person". Hence, going upstairs for cathartic sex shortly afterward. The next day, on the Tumbls, she decided to post a long ...

So, it's been an odd, but fun few days. Last Friday, I looked outside, and saw one of the main branches on the apple tree had split.  We yielded so many apples this year that the tree literally couldn't stand up to the weight, and broke.  My guess is that we wound up with near 400lbs of apples.  Which has meant bagging them up to go to everyone we know, as well as making a ton of applesauce and pie filling. Instead of going to the faire that Lux and I normally go to, and camp at, we wound up staying with friends and attending the faire in Tuxedo.  As time went on after we decided on this change, we felt more and more comfortable with this decision, due to the overall vibe we were getting, and things happening at the local faire. I went up Friday, after the beast got home from school, though Lux didn't make it down until Saturday morning.  Friday was calm, just hanging out and catching up mostly.  The faire was basically a much needed day away for us....

I've been trying to help Kitty a lot through his current relatioship.  On the bright side, he's actually sharing the things going on with me, so that we can work through them.  After saying it was his preference, he's finally in his first poly relationship (despite how we were in the past, I was never actually his secondary).  He's generally as protective and territorial as I am, which means there's more of a learning curve involved for how to deal with his primary having other partners. And well, she found one.  An old primary of her's, with a history of emotionally abusing her.  Needless to say, that, and the fact that it completely turned their dynamic upside down piqued his jealousy, and he's been trying to work through it. Well, months later, it's still there.  And he knows himself well enough to say that this feeling is caused by the situation, rather than the people involved, so he continues to trudge on.  One of the things that is likely not...

A year and a half ago I started this blog by discussing my dysmorphia.  How I am absolutely my worst critic when it comes to my appearance, and how my body itself causes a lot of mental issues in my life. Well, I've been working on this a lot.  Especially through the current year, I've been focusing on feeling better about how I look, and learning more about my body.  Lux also helps, as frequent groping and nomming is a very positive influence.  I had times at Pennsic where my mind sort of woke up to the fact that I'm going to look very different in period garb than the rest of our camp.  My waist is super tiny, so unless I'm in one of my lacing, fitted gowns, it's going to be baggy in the waist, to fit over my shoulders.  And even with the lace up ones, because of the type of fabric, and period patterns, it's going to bunch near the butt.  This is just a fact, and anyone I saw with a similar build to my own had clothing that fit the exact same way. ...

So, I've managed even with the beast being home for summer, and Pennsic, to keep up with regularly working out.  And, I'm noticing some fun random benefits that have appeared over time. Simple things like my posture are a given.  I'm standing straighter again, and a bit taller, though not enough to be noticeable with how short I am.  It still could be a bit better, but it's getting there with time. More fun though, is random things.  Like how my hips are way more open now, and Lux can not only press my legs back and past my torso without any pain, or even feeling a stretch, but he presses them flat out sometimes, with his weight on me, and even with how broad his hips are (which, boys with hips, omnomnom) I don't feel sore like I used to, at all.  I shall enjoy reaping these benefits, and so does Lux. Also I can finally touch my toes bending forward without being in excruciating pain!  This is seriously something I've never been able to do. I still can'...

Along with my blog here, I have a Tumblr which I post to frequently.  There's a good amount of nerdy stuff and silly things, but it's mostly porn. And by porn, I mean violence and power exchange. Even though I've been posting to the blog for well over a year, I have a relatively small number of followers, especially compared to Lux, who posts far less frequently, but sees much more activity buzzing from his blog. And, it never surprises me as to why.  I'm straight.  And there is this insanely common fantasy for men to pay significantly more attention to bisexual girls, in hopes of threesomes.  This goes to the point where partners in the past have tried to ignore my sexuality, or force me to have sex with women.  It seems as though folks on the internet have a fixation with group sex. Also, I am very realistic in my sex and thoughts.  I don't want humilitation, or to be degraded and compared.  It seriously fucks me over mentally, because of past s...

With all the posts on here lately about rape, contact, and sexuality, I thought I'd talk a bit more on the weirdness that has been my evolving sex drive.  I forget sometimes how different I am compared to most people, due to my sociopathy, when it comes to basic human emotions and desires. I started probably as far from my current hypersexual self as possible.  I didn't see people as attractive in the slightest, and had no physical desires in any way through most of my teens.  I mean this to the point where I wanted no physical contact with anyone, and the idea of it made my skin crawl. I viewed sex from a purely scientific standpoint.  Heavy contact, and exposure to bodily fluids, with a chance of pregnancy.  All of these things turned me off, and so I wanted nothing to do with it. What I did enjoy however, was endorphins.  And you know how sometimes the people around you being high on brain juice transfers over to you too?  Well, this was the only...

I've been thinking lately on how I function best.  How I get the most done, and work the best, in a healthy way. Right before Pennsic I didn't have many projects, and it made me feel like something was missing.  I was only reading one book, and could barely get through it, and most people weren't sharing and coredumping with me because this summer has been really hard on me in my home environment which has my stress levels insanely high. In regards to the vast majority of things, I work best with a load that makes most people feel overwhelmed.  Right now I have a stack of books on my nightstand, and it's relaxing to know I have plenty of different things to get to.  With the fall coming up, I'm thinking of a ton of gifts to make, and planning the next couple months. Even when it comes to my stress levels, I thrive when other people dump their stress on me.  Focusing on helping loved ones, and knowing I am doing what I can for them makes me feel better, and li...

This is late in the evening, due to finally being home from my week with Lux.  It was a very relaxing time, where I did what I could to get caught up on the upkeep of his place, as well as my own projects.  I got to enjoy cooking for us all week, which lets Lux relax more.  He was supposed to get work done with the extra time not spent on chores. We played video games instead. He had gotten a gift card for his birthday, and so I was given the job to find fun games.  I threatened to buy a ton of shitty dollar games.  I instead got a handful of fun multiplayer games for us to play together.  One of which may have made us completely mentally overstimulated, which had us giggling at everything afterward. While gone, I made a lot of plans for projects over the fall and winter, which will have me very busy, but I really think everyone will love.  I'm really looking forward to all of it happening. And of course, with Lux and I being together, there was a...

I was up with friends over the weekend (and am now spending a few days with Lux).  It was nice to see them, and catch up, but sometimes I am reminded of how some folks just never get over their past, and even more when they only see it as emotional abuse decades later. I made the very like mistake of getting into the discussion of women crying rape with her.  She very vehemently demanded that there are no women who cry rape, and no such thing as legitimate next day regret.  That anyone who thinks they shouldn't have had sex after the fact, only felt uncomfortable or unsafe saying no at the time.  That women would never cry rape because they know about society today. She even went on to say that an enthusiastic affirmation of consent means nothing, and that it has to be surely genuine or it means nothing. And this is all well and good, in a fictional perfect world.  However, because humans are all different and varied beings, these statements will never be tru...

While reading through blogs lately, I came across one that discussed a man cheating on his submissive partner, and the after effects, as well as ideas on monogamy in today's society. It mentioned how she felt guilty after.  That she deserved to be cheated on, and that it was her fault that her dom did what he did.  And dear gods did this throw up red flags for me.  It's such an external sign of emotional abuse.  That the partner who destroyed the trust in a relationship couldn't possibly have been a douchebag, but rather the other party was so horrible that it forced him to do what they did. It's bullshit. In case you read that wrong the first time, here it is again. BULLSHIT. No one deserves to be cheated on.  Nothing warrants the destruction of trust, or the pain involved in going behind a partner's back.  Even with everything partner's have done to me in the past, I never cheated on them in return.  It's such an inconsiderate action based on pu...

One of the things I found interesting at Pennsic, was the lower amount of people hitting on me than anticipated.  Sure, I'm probably just being my normal oblivious self, and there were actually a ton, and Lux being nearby likely had something to do with it.  However, most guys that approached me seemed to just want to talk, and hang out. Women however, seemed to be all about trying to get up on me.  Lux was pointing it out to me several times, when women were about a half step shy from grabbing my head and smooshing it into their chests.  I'm not sure if they were looking for my approval before moving onto Lux (which, I'm a terrible wingman.  Just go hit on him, because I have no interest in their vagoo) or just wanted me, but either way, it hit points of being awkward with how hard they were trying. I talked to Lux about it on the way home.  He said that it's a bad reason, but the "what happens at Pennsic, stays at Pennsic" mentality does exist.  Wo...

While at Pennsic, Lux and I attended a play party that I had been invited to.  We had discussed going just to people watch, chat with folks, and likely not play ourselves.  However, that evening while getting ready, he packed his rucksack full of smacky toys, and we headed out, through the block party, and on the hunt for the very secret play party. While on the way, Lux kept pestering me to have the password, which was some dumb combination of terms that I don't even remember anymore.  He joked that I wasn't telling him so that I had leverage over the situation, and I assured him that it wasn't the case, and that he was still very much in charge.  When we got there, it was still fairly quiet.  An old partner of Lux's was tending bar, and we ran into some friends to chat with.  While watching a suspension scene, Lux joked that I had to bring him to a party at Pennsic for him to hit me.  I told him that if I really wanted him to hit me, I'd just hit h...