It's been a long time since I've gotten to top someone. Long enough that I forgot that being a sadist is a big part of who I am. In no way have I been unhappy just being a bottom for Lux, and a couple other friends, but I just haven't had that chance to really lay into people for a while.
At camp, I found that part of my mind waking up. Discussions of how I do knife play, cutting, and my own personal strength. It caused confusion about me, and Lux and I (again, to be discussed soon) but made me think about myself more as a top again. I gained a lot more confidence in talking about being a sadist, and it helped me open up a lot.
While working on Pyre's back, and seeing everyone else there wanting me to hurt them, I found myself feeling way more like I wanted to top again. To feel the wake up of wanting to beat everyone up, rather than simply being quiet and uninterested.
At some points I even offered to beat up Pyre proper. I think if she wasn't so uncomfortable with the idea of playing with someone else in the polycule, she would have jumped on it, because she looked really interested.
As the weekend went on, more and more people asked me to beat them up. I guess I was putting off more of my confident and happy sadist, which was fun to see. If I hadn't just met them, I probably would have taken them up and made time for negotiation thrown them a beatdown. At certain points people apparently joked to Lux about showing some cbt stuff to me, and Lux giggled and just said "Nah, she's not interested. She likes my dick too much." And well, that's true. I either want nowhere near someone's genitals, or I want to be gentle with them so I can fuck as much as possible. Supposedly they were amused with his response.
Even now, beyond camp, I have a visit with a friend planned, and intend to bring some stuff up to test out on her, and while it's not a scene, it's definitely me moving more towards being a happy top again.
Camp has made me feel like me again in a lot of ways. And I'm glad that being a switch is still part of that.
At camp, I found that part of my mind waking up. Discussions of how I do knife play, cutting, and my own personal strength. It caused confusion about me, and Lux and I (again, to be discussed soon) but made me think about myself more as a top again. I gained a lot more confidence in talking about being a sadist, and it helped me open up a lot.
While working on Pyre's back, and seeing everyone else there wanting me to hurt them, I found myself feeling way more like I wanted to top again. To feel the wake up of wanting to beat everyone up, rather than simply being quiet and uninterested.
At some points I even offered to beat up Pyre proper. I think if she wasn't so uncomfortable with the idea of playing with someone else in the polycule, she would have jumped on it, because she looked really interested.
As the weekend went on, more and more people asked me to beat them up. I guess I was putting off more of my confident and happy sadist, which was fun to see. If I hadn't just met them, I probably would have taken them up and made time for negotiation thrown them a beatdown. At certain points people apparently joked to Lux about showing some cbt stuff to me, and Lux giggled and just said "Nah, she's not interested. She likes my dick too much." And well, that's true. I either want nowhere near someone's genitals, or I want to be gentle with them so I can fuck as much as possible. Supposedly they were amused with his response.
Even now, beyond camp, I have a visit with a friend planned, and intend to bring some stuff up to test out on her, and while it's not a scene, it's definitely me moving more towards being a happy top again.
Camp has made me feel like me again in a lot of ways. And I'm glad that being a switch is still part of that.
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