Pain Processing Processes

As I said a while ago, Lux and I haven't had very much chance for real beatdowns very often.  We've had small moments of violence, but in general, most of my play has been with others, and making plans to play with them.

While we were in the dungeon, we listened to all the moans and sexy sounds of play going on.  Lux commented at one point that while everyone else was doing that, I was giggling.  Giggling, and using all of those endorphins from our play to process that pain going on and stay aware.

Because I've been playing with other people, I had trained myself not to relax and just enjoy play, but process it in a way that I could be clear and communicative and pay attention to what is happening with them.

I couldn't relax and let it build into happy floaty feelings, let myself just enjoy, because I've needed to watch what is going on as someone learns about me.

Except that Lux knows me.  He knows what I can take, and I know I can trust him.

I remember when I could take the force of a truck and float along getting off on it.  When I was someone moaning just as loudly as others in the dungeon, being hit time and again with the force that would drop anyone else there, and wind up taking more in the process.

I want to hit that point again.

I want to be able to relax through a beating again, and not be worried about paying attention to what is going on so much.

I need to reteach myself how to process pain with those I trust.  For way too long I've felt this worry while bottoming, and I hate it.

And I think part of that means I need to get Lux to beat me up more often.  Beat me until I relax.  Until my mind lets me feel as safe as I know I am so I can enjoy it the way I used to.