I read something the other day that talked about how we clean ourselves up more with new partners. How we care more about how appearance, go about personal maintenance more, and make ourselves pristine for them, while with older partners we tend to let those actions fall to the side, and ignore our looks. The reason they gave was a feeling of security. The excuse of growing comfortable.
It bothered me a bit, because it still rolls down to caring about our appearance for the approval for others, instead of ourselves.
I'm reminded of back in high school, when still in a suit, with a pile of goth on top, I would talk about how I didn't care how I looked. I lacked the words then, but understand now that what I had meant was that I didn't care what other people thought of how I looked, so long as I was comfortable, and felt like me.
And this idea of cleaning up for new partners is the idea of creating an image you think they'll enjoy most, rather than just being you. That personal maintenance is a security blanket for approval, rather than promoting that cleaned up feeling just to be comfortable in our own skin.
Things like shaving body hair, which I do every day, whether I want to or not. Because I prefer how I look and feel with it gone. I've had partners actually shame me for it, and where some people may have taken that as an excuse to be lax with it, I fought back. This was something I do for me, that makes me happy in my skin, and I wasn't giving that up.
I have these conversations often with family. They hate the way I dress, and constantly try to force me to look a certain way. I remind them that even when I wear a suit (somewhat often honestly) I still get stares, because I have a purple or red mohawk, a ton of piercings, dark makeup, and big jewelry. I ride that line of goth androgyny real hard, and it's what makes me feel like me. I will continue the upkeep I want, and certainly not for the approval of others.
I think we need to encourage finding ways to make us feel like us, rather than this idea that we need to dress to impress for others. Find people who are attracted to that image we create to reflect our core, and go from there.
It bothered me a bit, because it still rolls down to caring about our appearance for the approval for others, instead of ourselves.
I'm reminded of back in high school, when still in a suit, with a pile of goth on top, I would talk about how I didn't care how I looked. I lacked the words then, but understand now that what I had meant was that I didn't care what other people thought of how I looked, so long as I was comfortable, and felt like me.
And this idea of cleaning up for new partners is the idea of creating an image you think they'll enjoy most, rather than just being you. That personal maintenance is a security blanket for approval, rather than promoting that cleaned up feeling just to be comfortable in our own skin.
Things like shaving body hair, which I do every day, whether I want to or not. Because I prefer how I look and feel with it gone. I've had partners actually shame me for it, and where some people may have taken that as an excuse to be lax with it, I fought back. This was something I do for me, that makes me happy in my skin, and I wasn't giving that up.
I have these conversations often with family. They hate the way I dress, and constantly try to force me to look a certain way. I remind them that even when I wear a suit (somewhat often honestly) I still get stares, because I have a purple or red mohawk, a ton of piercings, dark makeup, and big jewelry. I ride that line of goth androgyny real hard, and it's what makes me feel like me. I will continue the upkeep I want, and certainly not for the approval of others.
I think we need to encourage finding ways to make us feel like us, rather than this idea that we need to dress to impress for others. Find people who are attracted to that image we create to reflect our core, and go from there.
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