I have no idea what brought it into my head. Strange moments of feeling off in my mind, bringing things up from long ago, and noticing how my mind has changed.
Out of nowhere, I remembered being out with the gnome. Before he and I had even started dating, walking through South Street in Philly. Passing by a store, and seeing a choker in particular design I had wanted for a while at the time. I remembered pointing it out, and when he asked about the one I wore every day, I mentioned it was one I liked, but wasn't the exact type I wanted, and had been given to me by an ex.
He responded by taking the one I was wearing off, throwing it in the trash, and going into the store and buying the new one. At the time I was still a teenager, and wasn't entirely aware of everything behind this act. I thought him hopping on me mentioning something I had really wanted was endearing, because usually the things I make a point to say are something I have wanted are few and far between, and things I really feel drawn toward.
And when I remembered this, all I could think of was how insecure he was in that moment. That he couldn't stand the idea that I was wearing something from someone I didn't even care for anymore, and barely talked to. That he was so unhealthily possessive that he needed to get something visible immediately to show off even more.
It was something that didn't match at all how he actually treated me. And I've learned that. That moments like that one are something I need to examine, and learn from, and now find incredibly unattractive in how it was done.
I'm more aware now of how insecurity looks as opposed to things being done to give care without ulterior motive. I'm aware that things should be done in a smaller way to have the most impact.
I don't know why it popped into my mind, but apparently I needed to remind myself of things I've learned.
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