Lux and I threw around the idea of going to Winterfire, with a lot to talk about. We were unsure about timing, and how we would want to travel, and a big pile of things. Those were easy enough to figure out, but he brought up something that was causing him a little anxiety.
He didn't want me to have the same reaction as when we were at Fusion, knowing he would be pulled around to spend time with his other partners. Even when I told him that I would have people there to spend time with, he was unsure, acting like he didn't even want to risk the chance of it.
And, I had a lot of reactions, although I don't think he realized it.
Fusion taught me to speak up as soon as something is wrong, and not to let it sit until it's a problem that overflows.
It taught me that having needs doesn't make me a bad partner, because I've spent so long having to be ok with everything, and in every situation, in order to make partners happy about how little space I take up.
I also learned that I still have trauma and triggers I'm discovering and working through.
It was while we talked that everything clicked. I realized that it was the issue I had with Thrax, where as much as he would try to gaslight me otherwise, he kept me on the backburner, as a placeholder while he pursued other girls. I watched him ignore me, and tell me to go away while he spent all his time showing desire and doing for others. Claiming to give me just enough time that he was using so many spoons on me, but constantly elsewhere in his actions, and practically ignoring me while talking to me.
And that, that was what crept up in that moment. As much as I knew then, and know now that I'm not just holding space for anything, that feeling was what hit at Fusion, but I was unable to really figure it out exactly. It's why while on that drive home from camp, I had mentioned that more objectifying behavior would help, because it honestly would.
When it's just the two of us, there are little things that we do that are helpful. Gestures that say more than "You're here so I am obligated to tend to you," and more "I appreciate that you're here".
So, when we're around other partners, those things need to be tweaked. To find other ways to say "Not only do I appreciate you, but I want you". That's what I need in those moments, to remind my trauma brain of the things that I know, but may not be able to process in the moment.
And, to be honest, I would rather use that knowledge during a weekend event to make sure my mind is doing better than a week long camp.
We need to be unafraid to try things, and discuss, and tend to these issues, for both of us separately as well as together.
He didn't want me to have the same reaction as when we were at Fusion, knowing he would be pulled around to spend time with his other partners. Even when I told him that I would have people there to spend time with, he was unsure, acting like he didn't even want to risk the chance of it.
And, I had a lot of reactions, although I don't think he realized it.
Fusion taught me to speak up as soon as something is wrong, and not to let it sit until it's a problem that overflows.
It taught me that having needs doesn't make me a bad partner, because I've spent so long having to be ok with everything, and in every situation, in order to make partners happy about how little space I take up.
I also learned that I still have trauma and triggers I'm discovering and working through.
It was while we talked that everything clicked. I realized that it was the issue I had with Thrax, where as much as he would try to gaslight me otherwise, he kept me on the backburner, as a placeholder while he pursued other girls. I watched him ignore me, and tell me to go away while he spent all his time showing desire and doing for others. Claiming to give me just enough time that he was using so many spoons on me, but constantly elsewhere in his actions, and practically ignoring me while talking to me.
And that, that was what crept up in that moment. As much as I knew then, and know now that I'm not just holding space for anything, that feeling was what hit at Fusion, but I was unable to really figure it out exactly. It's why while on that drive home from camp, I had mentioned that more objectifying behavior would help, because it honestly would.
When it's just the two of us, there are little things that we do that are helpful. Gestures that say more than "You're here so I am obligated to tend to you," and more "I appreciate that you're here".
So, when we're around other partners, those things need to be tweaked. To find other ways to say "Not only do I appreciate you, but I want you". That's what I need in those moments, to remind my trauma brain of the things that I know, but may not be able to process in the moment.
And, to be honest, I would rather use that knowledge during a weekend event to make sure my mind is doing better than a week long camp.
We need to be unafraid to try things, and discuss, and tend to these issues, for both of us separately as well as together.
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