A New Devious Chapter

So, there's been a lot of stress at home lately.  My brother recently moved down to North Carolina with his emotionally abusive girlfriend, and my uncle was declared terminal in the last couple weeks.  My parents basically treat me like a punching bag for stress, and barely give me basic human respect normally, so I've been a wreck.  The Thursday before Father's Day my parents decided they were going to go see my uncle out near Chicago.  The idea of being stuck in a car with them for two days each way, and with family members that I can't hold a conversation with for a week was giving me anxiety attacks, so I told them I didn't want to go.  Upon discussing the trip to the beast, she also said she didn't want to go.  I don't blame her.  What six year old would want to sit in a car for two days at a shot? Earlier before all of that, Lux had mentioned wanting to go see his family, and Nessa over the weekend.  He also said he wanted to see me due to...

There's a lot of toxicity in my family.  A lot of inconsistencies, untruths, broken promises, and negativity.  It creates a shattering amount of stress, and is terrible for me in every way. I enjoy being submissive because I enjoy taking care of partners.  I love the comfort that comes with putting myself in someone else's hands, and having someone to give me the drive to grow, and make them proud of who they have. But I absolutely can't have what I do at home.  I need to know I should constantly be working to please my domlyperson.  If I feel like I'll be ignored, or shit on no matter what I do, I'll do whatever I want, because there's no reason for me to be unhappy and get nothing out of it.  I need positive reinforcement to counteract how I'm constantly told negative things.  While I don't need a lot, that stern, but positive manner is absolutely vital.  It centers me, keeps me obedient (well... mostly), and does all manner of good for me....

There's a lot of logic that goes into everything I do, and all my odd trains of thought.  No matter how outlandishly beyond the box I may go, there's still a line of (somewhat) sound logic to go from.  This goes into my kink as well, and today most specifically, power exchange.  Now, if you look up any LP of Bioshock, it'll turn into a ton of comments about how anything they say in response to the Little Sisters sounds wrong, and make a ton of Big Daddy jokes.  It very much puts the spotlight on how daddies are caretakers in the kink sense, and if age play is concerned, it's very much not pedophilia.  And then it reminds me of how Lux will occasionally say he has a craving to be called daddy, but doesn't expect it from me, because of my personal dislike of age play. But, that title isn't just age play, and I'm very aware of that.  The reason I don't use that title is because it's not the dynamic we have.  Daddies to me are the protective caretakers...

Recently, I had to go to a wedding with my parents, for a friend of the family.  Overall, I found the evening incredibly boring, and a big pile of awkward because I knew no one, but during the cocktail hour, while sitting outside, I did wind up having an interesting conversation. I was on the end of a large couch, my parents next to me, and some friends of the bride on the other side of the coffee table, in stolen chairs from a dining room inside.  They started fawning over the venue, and the dress, and all the details, talking about how they envision their wedding.  Then they asked me what I would like when I get married. Me: I have no real desire to get married.  I don't really romanticise it, and find weddings to be a superficial attempt at bluffing status. Them: But, you mom told me at the rehearsal last night that you were dating someone, but he couldn't make it for the wedding? Me: I'm not dating anyone.  And the person she is referencing lives four ho...

I've talked on here a ton of times about how most pornography does nothing for me.  About how I find it boring, or simply something to giggle at, if it depicts any form of sexual conduct.  And how the only time I can be aroused by outside images is generally if it is focused on torture itself. A couple weeks ago Lux and I were in the car, and he was talking about porn he found hot, and I just giggled at it.  His immediate reaction was to ask why we have sex so often.  That whenever he mentions porn he's seen, I find it funny, and never say if I find it hot.  I had to remind him that a heavy majority of what turns me on is context.  More than half of what he tells me he sees may make me giggle at mentioning it, but if he were to do it, I'd be all about it.  When I came back from camping recently, we were plotting nefarious plots of sexy things, like we normally do.  And he mentioned something about us playing with another guy, and not allowing me...

A few weeks ago, Lux brought up a thought he'd had about power exchange.  Who the responsibility belongs to start it, and which party should keep it going.  He said the answer of both is a cop out, but it's probably the most honest. Domlyfolk need to acknowledge the submission of their property.  Even if they aren't always actively taking control, they need to see that those actions are present, and make their findings known.  Simple affirmations can be enough, just to encourage it to keep going, without spouting orders and punishment. Likewise, the submissive needs to keep in mind their little rules.  Asking permission, small acts of service, verbal reminders, all work to keep the domlyfolk happy, and able to keep the exchange in mind.  A smoothly working power exchange doesn't need to always be in focus to be present, but the actions should continue on all parts involved.  No need for constant kneeling, orders, or grand expression.  They're f...

I've mentioned before how few actual rules I have with Lux.  There are far more things I make into hard and fast rules for myself than he does, and he often doesn't think of them, because he doesn't feel the need to make them official rules himself. Over last weekend, I had to remind him of one of those, because he was expecting something very different to happen. For those not keeping up, Lux is the only person I've fucked for about a year and a half now.  The only person I've submitted to, and the only person I've bottomed to in the same amounts of time.  And even though there is not official vanilla relationship titles, we pretty much treat each other with the same respect as though they are there. He told me after I had gotten home, that he'd expected to hear of me playing with others.  And then I had to get something very straight with him. Up until this point, whenever there has been even the slightest idea that I'd be playing with someone else...