A New Devious Chapter

I'm reminded fairly often, but even more this week how my appearance affects how I will exist as a dancer. I often see pictures of a dancer who started shortly after I began learning.  Her teacher wasn't certified with anyone, and had poor technique.  They had a small vocabulary, and every set they do is repetitive, and sloppily executed.  Over time, her technique has stayed in a way where she tries more to look sexy than show skill, and winds up looking like she's throwing her body around. She however has long blond hair, and big tits, and looks like a stereotypical american cabaret dancer. Meanwhile, I work my ass off to keep up strong technique, understanding of moves, and as broad a spectrum of styles and variations as possible.  I know my body will only do what I want it to do, without having the throw other parts of my body to make those moves look bigger.  I dance not to look sexy, but as self expression. And because I do that, with small tits, a ...

Recently, the game Catherine has been stuck in my head.  It's something that covers the idea of relationships in modern Japanese culture, communication, and morality. The game flat out asks your opinion at regular intervals on various subjects pertaining to relationships. And, I find that it becomes really hard to figure out how I would answer these questions, because they very much bank on the idea of monogamy.  That textbook cookie cutter relationship idea that is the standard in Japan. Even as a nerd, I have difficulties due to non-monogamy. Luckily, the game is being remade, and set to come out in the next year or so.  Maybe then it'll have more aspects of polyamoury in it, which I think will even add further complexities to the game overall. Either that or from now on I just need to tell everyone to fuck off in the game, because they're honestly all lying bitches. Yup, that sounds like the best idea. No bitches trying to corner me into what they want by...

I made the mistake of looking at an article on the internet. It talked about all the things that should happen in a healthy relationship, and, I found it angered me more than anything.  It made claims that were so unrealistic, I knew it would do more harm than good to the world. It talked about how when you have the right partner, there is no work, and you never disagree.  That you never get nervous or second guess yourself. All relationships take work.  Every single one of them.  Constant work, through good times, and through bad.  And in those bad times, while we process things, it's normal to worry about your partner and how they're doing, or what you can do to help.  It's going to be harder than others at some points, but it's never effortless. Not only that, but no two people are exactly the same in every way.  There's going to be some things people disagree on.  That's what makes us all unique and dynamic beings.  Looking at it ...

Lux came down last weekend so we could have time together before he gets sent off for work again.  We hadn't seen each other in almost two months, and we didn't want to add at least another month to that. Needless to say, he and the pup got along well, and they snuggled a ton.  In fact, when he went to leave, Oliver tried to sit on his feet to keep him here.  They were adorable. We had a ton of stuff we wanted to do and talk about and all that.  Things to discuss for the year, and start plotting.  Of course, we did none of that.  We snuggled, and babbled, and took time to just not be doing.  Because in a way, that was what we needed. And I noticed, just how bad my mental space is.  I was with someone who brings me so much happiness, and I found very little peace just being there with him.  That I'd hit an almost numb state. Which just means working harder and doing more to break out of it. Shit to be done.  Happiness to make. ...

I've noticed more and more lately, that in the midst of my mind slowly getting back to normal I'm finally wanting play and kink again.  I want forceful play for the fun of it, and to enjoy the time with people.  I want more opportunity to do the things that bring me mental peace, and help me clear my head. And I notice that in the last few days, I want very possessive power exchange.  Less of the passive exchange we're used to, which is rarely brought up unless attached to an action.  More active emphasis on the dynamic, control, and ownership. It's rather unsurprising honestly.  I've been feeling rather alone lately, and barely having contact with others, or a positive influence.  In my day to day, I have several people telling me negative abusive things, and while I don't believe them, I don't have much if anything telling me otherwise. I'm craving something to make me feel wanted.  Something to make me feel like I make a positive impact, and l...

A while ago, I noticed a small dry spot on my eyelid.  It was weird, but stayed pretty small, and was barely noticeable.  I used moisturizer, and it seemed to keep it from getting worse.  Well, weeks later, another spot appeared, which was a bit more visible.  I kept going with forms of moisturizer, in hopes it would take care of it. Fast forward to about two weeks ago, my eyelid is red and patchy.  It's very obviously eczema.  On my eyelid.  Luckily, it's easily covered by makeup if I need to go out.   I wake up last weekend, and my right eye is swollen half closed.  The eczema is bright red, and has covered my entire eyelid.   Well, as if I needed something else to kick my dysmorphia up some more. I found out coconut oil is amazing for eczema, and safe on my eyes, and it's been helping, but still. I'm barely able to work out right now due to Oliver being here, and I have a cold.  Now, my eye is explod...

One more post on consent, because it has been an explosive topic here right now. With Lux and I being so close to a lot of the issues right now, we've been discussing a lot of the things going on.  A few days ago, we were discussing how many of these people aren't malicious in their abuse.  They aren't purposeful predators, and that while they need to acknowledge the things they do, leaving them completely abandoned doesn't do anything to help that.  We also discussed how every circle, and at any time in my life has been full of abusers, and rapists, and complete assholes. It made me bring up how often people would excuse away abusive behaviors years ago.  Sweep them under the rug in order to not make it a big deal.  Doing this was so normal, that we allowed minor toxic behaviors, and made everyone think these were perfectly ok.  And then those behaviors became acceptable, only to slowly roll along, with more and more of these things occuring, in diff...