A New Devious Chapter

Lux is making a couple of short visits this week.  He's being sent somewhere near me for a couple days for work, so instead of just flying down, he's driving and using me as a middle point.  He's also using some of that time to look for a new apartment/house.  Which means I've been looking around for places up by him, or inspecting places that others send and getting ideas about what might or might not work for him. We've both also become rather burnt on everything going on.  There's just a ton of stuff right now, and while none of it is particularly horrible, it's just a pile of draining things to keep up with on both sides.  So, these short visits will be a good break in things, to help level out a bit. And luckily, things should calm down here in about a week or so.  Which means that with every day I can mark more off my list, and relax a bit.  It also means that when Lux is here, we can focus on enjoying time and recharging together. And then a...

A while ago, the big thing being pushed with poly was compersion.  It was the most important trait in having a poly relationship, and was almost treated as an "us vs. them" type of feeling.  That you had to have compersion in order to have healthy poly, and that only poly people could feel it. It goes so, so much deeper than that.  Not every poly person is going to feel compersion all the time.  I won't lie, with all the times Lux has been burned by other partners, I feel like I need to be critical and objective of his time with partners.  I can't just inherently feel that compersion, due to how often he tells me he had a great time, but this handful of hurtful things happens.  I often have to keep track of these things, to be able to keep him in a more realistic mindframe for the safety of us both, and not let him get too caught up in NRE.  That alone makes it very difficult for me to feel romantic compersion with him.  However, when he has...

While I was with Zero a week and a half ago, Lux was with one of his newer partners.  His second time spending time with her, though they talk fairly frequently.  And unfortunately, for the second time, she caused him harm.  Hurt him in ways that he was messed up for a couple days afterward, and tried to manipulate him in a few ways. Needless to say, finding out about this caused a lot of feelings on my part.  I know I'm overprotective, and this perked up every bit of that.  At the same time, I had concern for him, in a lot of different ways.  I wanted to scoop him up and comfort him.  To take care of him and help him process.  Make sure he felt safe, because sometimes submission means being the strong, steady, and protecting one. For a second I had wished I was there in the moment, before realizing that might not have been the best idea. On one hand I would have been able to see exactly how it went.  Been able to take care of him in ...

Last weekend, after a long time away, I spent some time with Zero. We hadn't seen each other in a long time, and it was good to catch up, and actually spend time together. Friday night we wound up going to a friend's house, and I saw a ton of people from my old larp.  They were surprised to see me, and it's always fun to show off how small the world is.  I found myself falling into my normal extroverted role, and Zero fell more into the background, speaking up only occasionally. It's always interesting to see how we wind up behaving in groups, even when we're around friends. The next day I wound up getting some work done, and then we went to a hobby shop.  While I was looking forward to the idea of a myriad of things, I found the place to be only full of models for tabletop combat games.  The men there had no idea what to talk about as soon as I said that I didn't play any of them myself, but had knowledge or skill in a ton of other nerdy things.  They w...

I've spoken here before about how I use Valentine's Day to celebrate all forms of love, and not just the romantic sort that tends to first pop into the minds of others.  However, lately in random moments, I find myself thinking about love languages, and what helps people feels the most cared for.  The things that feel intimate and romantic, which may not follow the more expected gestures. I don't like a lot of stereotypical romantic gestures.  I find them flat and impersonal.  Things you do to go through the motions of the idea of romance, rather than creating something for just the person you care about. Bring me to little holes in the wall that may not feel overly fancy, but let us relax. Remember how I like my coffee, or be able to run into somewhere and grab me something small that you know I'll like. Tell me you want to spend time just with me that day, not to manipulate me later, but just because you want that time. I've learned that actions speak a ...

This year, I definitely want to top more.  I want to play with things I don't do often, or try new things.  I want more play in my life altogether, both with my partners and otherwise. Unfortunately, while I do find myself to be more of a top and a sadist normally, I've bottomed so much in the last few years, I feel like with a lot of people, that's what they associate me as.  It's difficult at times to talk to others and be like "Hey, no, I don't want you to do anything to me, but I would like to beat the shit out of you, it'll be great."  I also notice that I wind up topping way more women than men overall.  While this might partially be due to people having the wrong assumptions about me, I also think that it's due to some other things as well.  I find that most men submit or bottom in a very sexual way.  It becomes very focused on genital torture, or sexual masochism.  Lots of sexual humiliation, or gender play in ways to put emphasis on...

Lux and I were talking the other day about how a partner of his gets very starry-eyed submissive over him.  I mentioned how that has high potential for danger, just in general, and he talked about while he's aware of it, he's also a sucker for those behaviors. Jokingly, I said that I don't know how he deals with my very different form of submission.  He asked what I meant, and I mentioned about how I don't fall into that demure starry-eyed stereotype.  He reminded me that when the chips are down, I am obedient, and I don't use submission as a manipulation tactic.  He also said that my submission is me being me, no matter what sort it is. And it's true.  While I do have those moments of feeling like happy tiny property while curled up in Lux's lap, normally my submission is based on being strong, and aware.  I do what I can to make Lux happy, and if I am encouraging change, it's in ways that he says he wants to work on something.  I help keep trac...

Perhaps this is just a side effect of my being a 90's goth.  Trying to go back to things that really make me feel like me, and run from any sort of flatness or normalcy in who I am. Lately though, I've found myself wanting to find more kinkwear, and things that could easily be considered lingerie to some people.  The thing is though, normally I would hate the idea of special lingerie, or dressing to feel sexy or anything like that. What I've been most drawn to are things that are similar to harnesses though.  Men's leather harnesses, or garter style pieces.  I also like some of those elastic harnesses too, so long as they don't just make obvious boob framing. So, I like these as lingerie that doesn't present as lingerie?  I like things that could almost show off the more masculine and strong parts of my figure, rather than making me look more feminine. Also, what's more 90's goth than straps and harnesses and all.  I loved it all as a teenager, a...