A while ago, the big thing being pushed with poly was compersion. It was the most important trait in having a poly relationship, and was almost treated as an "us vs. them" type of feeling. That you had to have compersion in order to have healthy poly, and that only poly people could feel it.
It goes so, so much deeper than that.
Not every poly person is going to feel compersion all the time. I won't lie, with all the times Lux has been burned by other partners, I feel like I need to be critical and objective of his time with partners. I can't just inherently feel that compersion, due to how often he tells me he had a great time, but this handful of hurtful things happens. I often have to keep track of these things, to be able to keep him in a more realistic mindframe for the safety of us both, and not let him get too caught up in NRE. That alone makes it very difficult for me to feel romantic compersion with him.
However, when he has a solid meeting at work, or spends time out with friends, or sees a handful of puppies walking to his truck from his apartment, I do get to enjoy that feeling. Those times when he gets joy simply from the world, or his own accomplishment.
Likewise, I feel compersion when Squishy has a good day with friends. When Oliver is happily laying in the sun in the middle of the yard. We can pull compersion from so many different times, and that isn't something that only poly people can feel.
We aren't responsible for the happiness of everyone in our lives. And taking joy in seeing others be happy can come from all different places, as well as situations. At the same time, being poly doesn't mean we should feel shame in not having that compersion, for whatever reason. We need to focus on being safe, and having a balance for happy and healthy relationships.
It goes so, so much deeper than that.
Not every poly person is going to feel compersion all the time. I won't lie, with all the times Lux has been burned by other partners, I feel like I need to be critical and objective of his time with partners. I can't just inherently feel that compersion, due to how often he tells me he had a great time, but this handful of hurtful things happens. I often have to keep track of these things, to be able to keep him in a more realistic mindframe for the safety of us both, and not let him get too caught up in NRE. That alone makes it very difficult for me to feel romantic compersion with him.
However, when he has a solid meeting at work, or spends time out with friends, or sees a handful of puppies walking to his truck from his apartment, I do get to enjoy that feeling. Those times when he gets joy simply from the world, or his own accomplishment.
Likewise, I feel compersion when Squishy has a good day with friends. When Oliver is happily laying in the sun in the middle of the yard. We can pull compersion from so many different times, and that isn't something that only poly people can feel.
We aren't responsible for the happiness of everyone in our lives. And taking joy in seeing others be happy can come from all different places, as well as situations. At the same time, being poly doesn't mean we should feel shame in not having that compersion, for whatever reason. We need to focus on being safe, and having a balance for happy and healthy relationships.
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