Speedbumps

I would like to think that I've worked my way past a good sized chunk of what I've dealt with in my life.  Much of the abuse and manipulation and gaslighting and all other forms of shit that's been pushed my way.

But, damn, this summer has had some of it creeping up that creates a hell of a brain cycle.

Every once in a while I've put thought into why Fusion was so hard on me.  Over time, I've definitely been able to pick it apart a bit more.

Overall this summer, with everything going on, I'm feeling very insecure.  Like I'm just an obligation.  Being brought along because people feel like they have to, rather than want to. 

And the lack of time when with people when nothing else is happening doesn't help that.  Lack of time spent with others just because they want to see me.  Lack of play outside of events when they feel like they might as well because of the venue.  Lack of desire shown in the same way as it is with others.

After Fusion I told Lux that being objectified more would help, and it definitely would.  At the same time, asking for it creates that vicious circle in my brain that never feels like there's an escape from.  Wondering if I'm only getting that bit of attention shown because I asked, after so many times being told that I was only getting something "to shut me up".

And apologies for my feeling this way, or attempts to say things that would normally create peace don't help.  For too long I was told things to dismiss how I felt, and given empty promises, but immediately things would go back to how they were.  Actions not at all matching the words given.

It's a difficult space for my brain, and something hard to dig out of.  My time up with Lux helped a bit, but only so much.

Hopefully soon I can figure out something to fix this mess in my head.