A New Devious Chapter

I learned something new recently. During his trip to see friends, Lux got sick.  He made it home safe, but even after a week, he wasn't quite better.  He went to the doctor, and wound up needing some antibiotics. Here's the thing.  I'm allergic to most antibiotics.  It's fun whenever I get sick, because I usually need to just tell them what to give me.  And Lux was prescribed one that I am not friendly with. Me being me, I wound up thinking about it, and wondered if that could affect me. So, I asked him, if this meant I was allergic to him.  It being a very strange thing to have happen, he didn't know. I looked it up, and there have been cases where people with the same allergy have had reactions during sex with someone on the meds. Which means that right now I'm allergic to my domlypartner.   While this is kind of sad, it's also interesting to know, and a bit amusing. Sometimes I'm glad that I think about everything.

Last year, I had mentioned wanting to start vlogging or making a podcast, or something of that nature. And I tried to get things together in a way that it would work. Really, I did. However, that wasn't going to happen.  Not in the situation that I'm in.  So, it got put down, but continued creeping along through my head.  I wanted to share, and teach, and explore. I've also noticed while looking around, that most people that do sex and kink education wind up making short videos.  If platforms aren't going to be accepting of the content, then you don't need to worry about making the content with details they will push, and get to just be direct and to the point. And I think that's what I want.  I'm going to make that tweak, and try to start making shorter videos teaching things that might not be covered elsewhere, or with a different perspective. I'm tired of having to put things down because of the shit life pushes at me.  Maybe, I just nee...

I said before the new year that this year I wanted to work more on me.  To find better ways to perform self care and recharge. And well, things don't happen right away, but this month has been a lot of organization and mental exploration for me.  Figuring out the things I want to accomplish throughout the year, and trying to set myself up to make them all happen, while keeping up with everything else. While thinking about how I wanted to approach a new way to care for myself, I realized a lot of the language I use for things could probably be adjusted. I use the word "need" a lot when describing things I have planned for the day, even down to working out, or reading.  I need to do more crochet, or I have to finish sewing a small hole closed. I turn everything into obligation.  And while yes, many things are related to some of the things I am trying to make or build as a part of making money, I use the same language for everything. And when you have to do ev...

There were many points Lux had to make during the talk we had while he visited.  One in particular, which I noticed how hard it was for him to process was how unfair he thinks things are.  I could see how difficult it was for him to say that he felt like I had to walk on eggshells with him, and other horrible things. And had we not been in a restaurant, sitting across from each other, I would have scooped him up in a hug right there. I have existed in a space where I had to say exactly what someone wanted, even if it wasn't true.  To lie about who I was, for the appeasement of someone else. I have had basic habits taken from me, trying to sneak and rush to have any sense of autonomy. Even now, I do truly have to balance on egg shells, often stomping down because I'm tired of the abuse with no better treatment even if I make every perfect step. Having someone trying to grow, and get better is not the same.  Mindful language which allows me to still be truthf...

I mentioned potential in my last post. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.  All of the times that people have made excuses for others who were either toxic for them, or they grasped at in desperation, claiming they had potential.  Situations that people just let go by, saying it had the potential to turn into something great. And I've realized, potential is an excuse.  It's an excuse to sit back and not go and do. Everyone has potential.  Everything has potential.  It doesn't matter what is happening, but every person can strive to grow and do better, or learn from something bad that occurs. I feel like we use the concept of potential to justify feeling attached to things.  When someone makes poor decisions, and fucks up, we say that it's a shame they did it, because they had such potential.  Well, of course they did, but we act within our own habits, and sometimes, potential is fake.  Sometimes, potential is just our own hope fo...

I notice more and more, especially over the last few years, that in kink, many people have turned their vanilla hobbies, or their space in the scene into some sort of hustle, or business.  This idea that if you build anything, you should start making toys or jewelry to sell.  To make kink themed things and start a store.  That if you tie you need to also do photography or performances.  That our time in kink becomes a commodity instead of something that brings us joy. And yes, this does create the potential for people to start paying the bills on their own (but more on potential some other time) and it can sometimes result in fantastically talented people sharing talents.  Even I teach, but not out of wanting to make money, but because I have always enjoyed teaching, since I was in grade school. I understand the people who want to simply make enough to support their space in the scene.  Selling a handful of toys to pay for an intensive, or performing ...

Last year, Lux and I made a list.  A list of things we wanted to do instead of Pennsic.  I tried to slowly add things over time to it, at a variety of types of things, that we either hadn't done, or wanted to do again in another frame. Well, we never made that trip, and never decided on something.  That list is still there, and I think about it after that handful of days I spent with Lux over the new year. While we were on one of our many adventures, Lux admitted to not knowing about what Folsom was, and when I explained it to him, he said that he'd been thinking about wanting to attend a leather event, although not feeling the most confident about it. And while I immediately commented on how the reasons he had were purely in his head, and he would have his worries proven incorrect as soon as he was there, I also considered what I thought about going to a leather event. Leather spaces are often very gay male centric.  It can be a very stereotypically exclusio...

Lux decided last minute on the Saturday before the new year that he was actually coming down here.  Prior to that, many things had been in the air, and even with him coming down, we still didn't have a plan.  It had been more than four months since I'd seen him, longer than we'd ever been apart for, and that length of distance was absolutely taking a toll on my brain.  I worried about what the visit would bring, or if that time apart would mean that we were no longer ok. He made it down though, and after Oliver demanded many hugs, we finally got to hug and spend some time together.  And even though there was so much time, and so much space, everything just fell into stride and comfort in many ways.  It was wonderfully centering, just to have that presence. The next day we moved at a fairly slow pace.  We threw around ideas of what to do that day, and opted that instead of going out for breakfast, we would go to one of the places I had wanted to take h...

The week of Christmas was difficult here.  I had to deal with toxic people being toxic, and other people not paying any attention to anything going on.  I had to deal with people saying one thing and doing another.  I had to deal with things in the air, amongst everything else. And while Christmas itself was fairly quiet, everyone seemed to be in a bit of a poor mood.  I went to bed early that night, tired, and figuring an extra hour of sleep would fix everything.  As you can guess, it didn't.  I spent the night dealing with tons of physical symptoms of stress and anxiety.  Everything catching up that day, and keeping me from sleep.  The day after the holiday, I had to enlist Squishy to help take care of me and make sure I was ok because I was so exhausted. When I explained the symptoms I had dealt with to my mom, she of course asked how I could possibly have any stress, because the holiday was over.  I pointed out that I have had to ...