A New Devious Chapter

I woke up on Thursday still in the process of my mind settling, but prepared for a more peaceful, and productive day.  I knew I had a lot to do, but was prepared to try and get it all done. The morning was met with some smaller speed bumps, mostly due to my own anxieties, but nothing horrible.  While making lunch I saw a voicemail and went to listen to it. The gnome actually filed a dispute claiming I was forcibly keeping Squishy from him, and there would be a hearing that afternoon.  And because Squishy was in the room when I played the message, already worried about being forced to travel, she was a mess.  She was mad at her father, who she didn't feel comfortable talking to previously, and now felt like she couldn't talk to at all. I spent the day anxious, but knowing I had nothing to worry about.  He had no real leg to stand on with a dispute, and that was made very clear as soon as the hearing started.  The judge brought up that there was no re...

Saturday night, after writing my last post, I caught Squishy again, sneaking things upstairs.  I was already fried, and this made it worse.  I went to tell the gnome, because he was so far just continuing to act selfishly, with no actual help.  In fact, he had called Squishy just to scream at her for a half hour, which left me having to deal with her curled up in a ball and sobbing.  As I told him, he insisted that she needed to be up there, again, just fixated on him wanting to bring her up there, despite what was going on with her, or caring about health and safety given the situation.  He tried claiming that I was "keeping her" from him.  Started yelling that I can't legally keep her here. I know it's all a load of shit, but it was still frustrating.  That while dealing with everything else, he could only think about what he wanted, and too fixated on himself to actually consider the safety of his kid. I tried to decompress, until I knew I nee...

I wrote my last entry on the Tuesday prior.  It was hard to write, letting myself acknowledge all those things that I was trying to keep aside.  Everything going on with Squishy had left me running on fumes, and with no energy left for much of anything.   I was in tears for about an hour after I finished writing that, because I just felt so overwhelmed, with everything.  When I finally was able to compose myself again, I walked out of my room to find more things from Squishy, and was just on negative spoons all around. And it's been like that since.  I've found her lying about things, trying to sneak around, and doing what she shouldn't constantly.  I'm met with villification from my parents rather than consistency, and the gnome just shrugs and ignores it, like he does with everything else, getting upset that I won't let him act selfishly rather than providing any help.  I've started blowing up on people.  I'm quick to apologize, ...

It's been many years since Lux first moved to the area where he is right now.  I remember how anxious I was about it, afraid that this connection I had just made would fall apart, and I would never see him again.  Whether from my own stubbornness, his, or something else altogether, that didn't happen, and I'm grateful for it. Despite the pandemic, Lux is preparing another move.  His current job allows him to move more or less anywhere he wants, so long as there is an airport within reasonable distance.  And so he's decided that this move will be a bigger one, and he'll be changing states again, from north of me, to south. And honestly, he'll wind up having near the same length drive to get to here, and I'll have the same amount of travel as well.  On paper, for the most part, things should stay the same, and while they aren't perfect, they are something we are used to. I can't help but panic a little though.  Where Lux is moving, he'll have...

I've learned what would make me break lockdown. It's the last two days. See, I finally decided that Squishy wasn't super grounded anymore.  I wasn't going to tell her until she was done with school work, in hopes that it would keep her on better behavior.  Not even two hours into the morning, I walked past her desk to go to the bathroom, and saw her doing things that have been off limits for the majority of her being in trouble.  Two hours of her on less restriction, she didn't even know it, and she couldn't respect it, because she "was bored". My parents tried to make excuses for her, the entire day, making little times that should have been a couple of minutes out of her room into over an hour, then attacking me like I was the villain. To top off that morning, the gnome called, suddenly asking when he could take Squishy for visits, because he "missed her".  I'm sorry, is there not a pandemic going on there?  Because there is he...

You would think that after this long to adjust, and not being busy prepping for time away for anything, I would have far more time to get things done.  A few weeks ago, I felt like I had a good grasp on my time, and was taking advantage of it.   This last week or so, I feel like I'm running on fumes again. Squishy has been infinitely difficult, even before losing her grandfather, or knowing he was sick.  She's been sneaking things, lying, and trying to pushing limits to the point where she's spent several days stuck in her room if she isn't eating or doing school work, because I gave her literal weeks to just do what I had asked her to do.  Because of that, I have to spend most of my day quiet, often having to stand over her, or listening to make sure she isn't trying to do something she knows she shouldn't, or to get her school work done in a decent time (because I've caught her many times just deciding to do something else). That has eaten up such a chunk ...

For a few weeks, Squishy's paternal grandfather was in the hospital.  The gnome was quiet about it, until one day he had Squishy hand off the phone, and told me some things that weren't true about his diagnosis, but said that he probably wouldn't last the week.   And I was a bit upset that he wasn't telling her.  She should know what's going on with family members, especially in harder situations like that.  She should have had time to mentally sort it out.  While the gnome's mom had passed away a few years ago, they had never met or spoken.  Squishy had regularly seen her grandfather, even if he didn't really know how to interact with her. The gnome eventually said that he had tested positive for Covid, which I could tell from what he had been saying previously.  Two days later, he passed away.  I made sure the gnome was the one to tell her, because he shouldn't have to dump that on me like he does everything else.  And then I had to ta...

While being holed up at home, I'm finding my mind wandering about different things.  And lately, again, the concept that if I could change anything knowing what I do now, would I? And, the more I think about it, the more I don't know either way.  Would I love to not have dealt with abuse?  Of course, but then how far do I go?  Some of my oldest memories are being manipulated and gaslit by my parents, normalizing that treatment, and being what led me to the shitty relationships I had before learning better.  And in that learning, taught myself how to communicate more clearly, and how to help cultivate a healthier relationship, whether it be friendship or with a partner. Do I avoid the gnome, who caused me to be homeless, threaten me to have a child I didn't want, endanger my health, trap me in an unsafe place, as well as rape me?  Would I then wind up with all the skills I've developed as a person, or meet the people who I keep in my life now? I feel...

I worry about a lot of things through this.  I don't worry about all the economic bullshit, outside of small businesses surviving until everything opens back up again.  I don't worry about wanting things to open back up soon, because I would rather deal with one long shitty situation than seven shorter ones. I worry about mental health.  The rise of domestic violence that's already occurring.  The number of breakups and divorces due to people finally having to exist around each other, rather than being distracted by another person.  Suicide rates are going to rise. Squishy is still sad about how different things are, and it's making her day to day difficult.  My parents aren't coping at all.  My mom is eating so many sweets as a diabetic that it's giving her extra depression and anxiety symptoms, on top of her lack of stress management to the point where she's burst blood vessels in her eye. Something that's been the most noticeable to me thoug...