None in Sight

I wrote my last entry on the Tuesday prior.  It was hard to write, letting myself acknowledge all those things that I was trying to keep aside.  Everything going on with Squishy had left me running on fumes, and with no energy left for much of anything.  

I was in tears for about an hour after I finished writing that, because I just felt so overwhelmed, with everything.  When I finally was able to compose myself again, I walked out of my room to find more things from Squishy, and was just on negative spoons all around.

And it's been like that since.  I've found her lying about things, trying to sneak around, and doing what she shouldn't constantly.  I'm met with villification from my parents rather than consistency, and the gnome just shrugs and ignores it, like he does with everything else, getting upset that I won't let him act selfishly rather than providing any help. 

I've started blowing up on people.  I'm quick to apologize, but a lot of the time they're giving me these circular statements that are just like lines from a textbook about relationships, and don't really work given the situation, or worse, add up to saying I should let myself be abused (because it really is at that point.)  Either that or rather than completely listening to me, just throwing things at me like I haven't actually looked at something myself, when I have always been the type to over-research.

I'm barely functioning day to day.  I feel worse because I'm so overly sensitive with others right now over everything, even though they understand where I'm at, and that this isn't normal for me.

I'm feeling hopeless, helpless, and trapped, and it has me not knowing how much longer this can last before it affects my health so much that I wind up hospitalized.

Things are not ok.  I am not ok, and I don't know when I will be again.