While being holed up at home, I'm finding my mind wandering about different things. And lately, again, the concept that if I could change anything knowing what I do now, would I?
And, the more I think about it, the more I don't know either way.
Would I love to not have dealt with abuse? Of course, but then how far do I go? Some of my oldest memories are being manipulated and gaslit by my parents, normalizing that treatment, and being what led me to the shitty relationships I had before learning better. And in that learning, taught myself how to communicate more clearly, and how to help cultivate a healthier relationship, whether it be friendship or with a partner.
Do I avoid the gnome, who caused me to be homeless, threaten me to have a child I didn't want, endanger my health, trap me in an unsafe place, as well as rape me? Would I then wind up with all the skills I've developed as a person, or meet the people who I keep in my life now?
I feel like no matter what, I had to have dealt with all the shit that I have, and have all the obstacles in front of me in order to have any of the good I have now. In order to be willing to put in the work to be good to others, I have to know how the pain feels of dealing with it first.
We must deal with the bad in order to appreciate the good, and strive toward better.
And, the more I think about it, the more I don't know either way.
Would I love to not have dealt with abuse? Of course, but then how far do I go? Some of my oldest memories are being manipulated and gaslit by my parents, normalizing that treatment, and being what led me to the shitty relationships I had before learning better. And in that learning, taught myself how to communicate more clearly, and how to help cultivate a healthier relationship, whether it be friendship or with a partner.
Do I avoid the gnome, who caused me to be homeless, threaten me to have a child I didn't want, endanger my health, trap me in an unsafe place, as well as rape me? Would I then wind up with all the skills I've developed as a person, or meet the people who I keep in my life now?
I feel like no matter what, I had to have dealt with all the shit that I have, and have all the obstacles in front of me in order to have any of the good I have now. In order to be willing to put in the work to be good to others, I have to know how the pain feels of dealing with it first.
We must deal with the bad in order to appreciate the good, and strive toward better.
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