A New Devious Chapter

Today, I should be at camp.  At the end of a week with friends, my polycule, and loved ones. Instead, we are all concerned with safety.  Keeping apart even while our worlds are on fire, trying to stay healthy so we can keep each other healthy. Now, we rewind to a couple of weeks ago.  I'm on a call with Pyre, talking about how Kitty's birthday is soon, and she is planning a trip up, which has changed from just a short trip due to her current situation.  She mentions another one of our friends talking about making a long trek down, because it would be the week of camp, and spending the weekend.  She asks what I'm up to, and I tell her that Squishy will be gone. And so the plotting began.  Trying to make something happen as safely as possible, while taking stress off of Kitty so we would show up with everything taken care of. A fantastic surprise that brings us back to the important people, and creates a positive space for mental health. Which means...

I mentioned last week that I've been making myself do more to take care of me.  Part of that started as slower, deep stretching yoga again, because I've gotten far more stiff than I care to be.  I've added more since then, but making sure to stretch, and breathe, and relax has been a part of my day for a couple of weeks now. And, it's been good for me physically.  My body isn't as stiff, and it's making me more comfortable. It's also apparently good for me mentally.  I store stress in my shoulders.  I always have.  And with everything going on, my upper back had days where I had to use my heating pad because it was so knotted up. While doing yoga, I noticed multiple times while stretching my shoulders, that I would hit emotional release.  For some reason only while stretching that part of my body, my mind would register the concept that soon I may have the chance to hug people again, and have some manner of fixed touch starvation, and I would s...

Coming into the covid lockdown, it came with many things being cut off.  Sharing physical space, traveling, going to events both big and small, and tons of other things. At the same time, I decided just for fun, that I would grow out my hair while stuck at home.  I also said I wouldn't dye it, because if I wasn't around people, it was an excuse to take a break from it, as my hair has been dyed every month or so for almost twenty years now. But, when do I say that things are done, and I'm ready to do any of them again.  Things are opening up, but when do I say I'm ready to go out and do things?  The stay at home order in my state is done, but does that mean I can travel to see my partners again?  When I do see them, is it safe to have contact, and finally hug them for the first time in months? And even just with the option, does that mean it's time to cut my hair, dye it dark, and look just like before all this started? My number one goal is to stay safe ...

Today is technically the end of the school year for Squishy.  The start of her summer break, and while things are still closed, and it won't be the extra fun adventure most kids want, but it means no longer worrying about schoolwork for a bit for us both. And I'm hoping, that with her leaving in a few days, I'll be able to reset my own brain a little from how I've been feeling.  That break from how things have been, and the stress she's been creating will hopefully be helpful. For the last few days, I've been making myself do things that I know are good for me that I've let fall to the wayside.  Physical and mental acts of self care that I know I need, but just made excuses that I didn't have the spoons for, because I honestly didn't think I did with everything else going on. I'm forcing myself to do even simple physical self care again, and it's helping a ton.  Focusing on the things that are healthy for me, and while it may not be the...

I finished everything with the gnome last week, and Squishy was making progress with having better behavior.  At the same time, I've continued to have all the same physical stress symptoms that I had been dealing with.  My mom had told me that I could relax when I pointed it out to her, and I just responded that I couldn't.  There was too much in the air, too much still happening all at once.  Lux was about to do his move, and had even more happening in his life, which is still going on.  Pyre's living situation had been falling apart.  I'm worried about the safety of everyone for so many reasons, and have everything exploding here.  I think all things considered, just some physical stress symptoms is me handling things fairly well. But at the same time, Squishy's behavior took a nose dive as soon as she had gotten herself back any freedom.  After trying to work with her, be understanding to how she felt, and fighting like hell to make her fee...

Two days ago, while sure that I would basically get what I had wanted from the hearing, but still nervous, I sat with Squishy to find dates she agreed with for the summer.  Times to travel that are long enough to do contact tracing and be aware of symptoms, but work with anything happening over the summer, and make a decent balance. Yesterday morning, I had the hearing with the gnome.  A ball of nerves, compacted with some issues with Squishy that morning.  Once everything had started, I listened to the judge, and as he spoke, after he got through the routine of rules, I could hear some cheer in his voice.  He sounded fairly pleasant, like he was having a good morning coming into work. I knew, that so long as I was polite and prompt, I had nothing to worry about. And as our hearing began, and we were sworn in I felt better and better. From the beginning, I could tell with the judge looking at the record that he wasn't going to tolerate anything.  And the...

The world is still scary, and I'm still fighting like hell while worrying about the safety of others.  Things aren't going to slow down soon, but on the bright side, some changes do look like they're starting to happen. Some people are just grasping for whatever change they can try for though.  Like a child's hand reaching for anything it can, no matter if it should be touched or not, then claiming they helped. She claimed, that given things going on, that the kink scene should completely remove the term "slave" because it hurts all the black people.  And of course, was over time creating an echo chamber by removing comments.  Immediately, I disagreed with it.  I'm Jewish, which means my history is completely covered in slavery.  Not just the "all cultures were slaves", but massively known periods of time where being a Jew meant you were less than.  My great grandparents threw away their history to run to America in hopes of being safe, and s...

While already at my limit trying to protect my daughter, and help her feel safe, social media is overrun.  I can't look anywhere without seeing stories about the unjust death of a black man by police hands, and what is happening as a result.  I see people in media being knocked down and arrested for being compliant, in the most gentle of situations. And it has me afraid, for so many people.  Afraid of lost lives, families torn apart, and homes destroyed due to how the police respond to a request for basic human decency. I'm afraid for my partner, who I haven't seen in months because of covid, trying to be responsible, and keep everyone safe.  Afraid that I won't ever see him again because as he prepares to move, he'll be walking something over to a dumpster, and the wrong person will drive by, assume he's looting, and attack him.  My partner, the brick wall that he is, can barely defend himself, because that invites him to become the target of police brut...