A New Devious Chapter

We've hit that point where Lux and I are more seeing silly symptoms of stress.  Life has happened (and continues to happen) and we're both going through a ton.  As a result, we're noticing some of the standard responses from our brain. It means we're both super horny, while we're apart, and craving all the things. Well, he's craving all the things.  I'm apparently at a point where it's all a bit more specific.  I've stopped wanting violence the same way I normally would.  Instead I'm wanting controlling force, that comes from a place of possessive power exchange.   It's not that situation which is near a stereotype of wanting something different.  It's not that I feel like I need to let go of being in charge.  Hell, with things going on, I'm feeling out of control of everything around me, and the entirety of my day. I want the comfort of having control in the hands of someone I trust.  To feel the steadiness that I'm doing what I ...

 With the exception of only a couple of days, I've managed to work out, and track my food for over a month.  I now have the motivation of seeing progress, both in my endurance, and in little changes in my body. Because I keep clothing until it dies, and I don't have a terribly massive amount to start, some of the clothing I wear for exercise is beginning to fall apart.  I also have no actual dedicated work out tops.  So I'm reminded to go through the things I have, and likewise, I got myself some new things.  Not a ton, just two tops and two bottoms.  The leggings are more of the very inexpensive kind I've found that fit well and I like.  The tops, however, are a bit pushing.  I love the designs, and think they're both fantastic, but they're crop tops, which I normally would hate wearing.   I can dance in cholis with a bare stomach, but I always feel like with everything else I'm wearing, and with also dancing, there is so much distracti...

 I think I'm just used to dealing with things that would knock most people on their ass, even when they're constant.  That, and knowing what will help and recharge me no matter what is happening.   With everything exploding, which is still exploding, don't get me wrong, I'm managing to kick myself in the ass and try to get ahead on things.  I have all my books planned for next year, am well into progress on them, and I'm managing to get ahead on the holidays as well.  Given the pandemic, I don't even have the same timeline that I normally would, because we won't be having extra people for Channukah, but we're almost completely ahead through everything. I have a ton of ideas of things I want to start.  I know I recently mentioned starting a new blog, and while that idea is great, it's entirely dependent on me constantly doing new things.  For the weeks where I have a ton of things going on, that's wonderful, but I do have times where things lull, ...

A bit more than a week ago, I had asked Lux to come visit.  While I was doing what I could to take care of myself, I knew mentally that I needed some contact and time.  He said that he couldn't give an answer either way, given that work was being incredibly demanding of him, but he understood, and honestly, just him responding that much was helpful for me. And then Friday happened, to which I no longer expected him to show up, and wouldn't blame him.  I wouldn't ask anyone to come visit and be around after something like that.  So, I was very prepared to try and slog through the day on my own, no matter how difficult that would be. I didn't hear from him all morning, but tried to send him some messages to just keep him updated on my safety and mental state.   When I had the chance to sneak downstairs for some lunch, I finally heard from him, and he told me he was still coming for a night.   Whatever tears were left, started then.  I was so gr...

 I'm writing this because although I knew I had to write earlier, I was a bit compromised. Friday, my father started a conversation with me.  He asked me something, and because he directly asked me, I couldn't just ignore things and stay quiet in order to not deal with what I knew would be the response.  So I let the conversation move.  And it turned into me trying to explain BLM, white privilege, inherent racism, and a myriad of other things. On his side, it started with him telling me that because I didn't like Trump, I was the same as people who said they would kill a puppy to get him out of office.  Then moved onto him saying that cops should follow me around places because I look different so I don't belong anywhere.  He then in response to me explaining to him that I deal with things he wouldn't, due to my gender and appearance, said with every bit of condescension you could imagine "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were so oppressed", and later ...

 As of writing this we're still waiting out the election.  Watching maps and percentages change a fraction of a percent, seeing gaps close, and wondering when numbers will be called. At the same time, I'm listening to my father.  Someone who all year has talked about how the pandemic is made up, and a hoax created by the democrats to sway the election.  He talks about how the protests through the country were destroying everything, and that those people deserved to be shot with live ammo because they were rioting.  That if "they weren't doing anything illegal, they wouldn't get shot". And as he spews hypocrisy constantly while this election occurs, I watch my mother send so many mixed messages to whoever she's around, and I never know when she's lying, or if she thinks she can constantly play both sides of the coin in what she believes.   I stay quiet around my father.  I don't think I've ever been able to have a conversation without him yellin...

It was about a week ago now, deep into feeling like I was barely running on fumes, and counting down the days until I would get a break from how things were.  I had showered one night, and as I was finishing up, a strange thing came to mind. In my learning to masturbate, and exploring therein, I've realized that if I want my body to have any response, not only do I have to hope that I have the exact right angle and position, which changes every day, but I also need to only focus on specific parts of how it feels.  If I wanted to try and let my mind wander at all, it's more or less me deciding that I never want there to be any end result.  There is no thinking about even the things that I know my mind would enjoy, and when I'm done, there's no feeling of being done.  I'm not more turned on, or satisfied, or anything.  It just is. What I had remembered in this moment though, is how there would be times when Lux and I would be messaging each other, and while I was ...