Brain Game

It was about a week ago now, deep into feeling like I was barely running on fumes, and counting down the days until I would get a break from how things were.  I had showered one night, and as I was finishing up, a strange thing came to mind.

In my learning to masturbate, and exploring therein, I've realized that if I want my body to have any response, not only do I have to hope that I have the exact right angle and position, which changes every day, but I also need to only focus on specific parts of how it feels.  If I wanted to try and let my mind wander at all, it's more or less me deciding that I never want there to be any end result.  There is no thinking about even the things that I know my mind would enjoy, and when I'm done, there's no feeling of being done.  I'm not more turned on, or satisfied, or anything.  It just is.

What I had remembered in this moment though, is how there would be times when Lux and I would be messaging each other, and while I was likely more horny than my usual baseline to start, I could get more out of us just sexting.  There was no manual stimulation at any point, but just letting my mind do everything as we typed back and forth would have me trembling, which I would explain to him.  And afterward, while there isn't quite a me feeling satisfied and done with sex in any way, I was certainly much closer.

I suppose it's an unfortunate thing.  That even when I don't have a partner there, I'm always going to get more from them than I would do for myself.  There's a sadness in it, because I don't like not being able to do something myself, ever.  I need to remind myself that it isn't a bad thing, and it doesn't really change from how things were, even before I started experimenting.

It's far more important that I just enjoy things in the way that they do work for me.