A New Devious Chapter

I finished a massive project about a week ago. Like, lace tablecloth size project. And I feel like it helped kick me in the ass to want to work on more things. I have a few things I want to get to, but I also have projects that got put down earlier in the year.  Things I had a lot of drive for before I wound up in such a shitty rut for a good while. And while I may have first said I would pick them back up in the beginning of the year, now that I'm through a small pile of projects, I feel like I should just do it now.  Tackle what I can and see what I can get through. I need to cultivate more creativity in my life.  I need to create more in order to feel more inspired, and that will make me feel better and more motivated overall.

I've managed that even though lots of things are going on, to keep social lately, and it's helping me.  Last weekend I spent some time with a friend who I hadn't seen in about a year, and I have plans for this coming weekend as well. It was nice to see a friend though, even if it seemed very confusing on more than one occasion. When I saw him last year, he was just barely fresh into a new relationship.  And a full shift in lifestyle with this person.  For his entire life, he'd had open, and kink positive relationships.  He's spent a year though in a monogamous, vanilla relationship, with someone who is incredibly sexually insecure, passive, and limiting. He goes from one breath saying that she's "the one" and going to be his forever, and then in the next breath saying he can't stand his sex life, and that it's taking a toll on his everyday life beyond where he can deal with. Why is it that so many people share this to me, and I have t

The other day I was puttering about twitter, and hopped on a hashtag to say that people should be treated with respect.  I said this because far too many times the day before, I felt like I wasn't treated with basic human decency, even though I know I deserve it. Well, someone who apparently thought they could get a feeling of superiority from me tried to tell me that people in general are not deserving of respect. Mind you, other people in this tag posted about things like having a right to kisses and shit.  He wanted to go on a power trip. He picked the wrong person. Continually, he tried to put words in my mouth, hoping I'd get angry and make a mistake.  At one point even said that the fear of jail is what keeps him from violating consent, or simply that he was "raised by women" not simply that he believes violating consent is wrong, y'know, because he respects people.  Only because it's a crime. Oh yea, this guy had no idea what he was getting in

I found out about a new game recently, a horror game under the guise of a dating simulator.  When you first boot it up, you get about a dozen warnings not to play if you are easily disturbed or have depression.  Right up my alley for things I enjoy. Well, given that there are far different paths to take, I figured I would watch what a "normal" run looks like, then go through and do the more complete path. At one point, one of the girls confesses that she has always had depression, and that she likes reading things about various emotions because it's the closest she can get to feeling things.  That if she's not feeling nothing, she's feeling pain.  She explains in deep detail how this all affects her, and her reactions to having to admit this to someone. And I scroll down, and see comments. They all agree with that feeling.  They agree with how that absence of feeling no matter what they do is far too fitting to their own experience. I've been talki

While Lux and I were talking, we also started in on jealousy. What causes it to perk up, or how long it's been since either of us have either felt it, or let ourselves feel it. I've learned that jealousy isn't really something I feel, but the closest would simply be imbalance of treatment/respect, or things that cause massive changes to the normal.  Obviously new partners or friends or sometimes just life will cause some change, but if I'm completely thrown to the backburner, I will have a problem and speak up. Lux has a few things that I know tend to cause jealousy, and I'm aware of, and avoid those.  In fact, he's seen first hand at this point that I'm not only keeping these things quiet, but they flat out aren't going to even be an option. We've talked about how he doesn't know if that would be a thing at this point because it's been years. I mentioned that it would depend on who it was.  If he got a new partner, he'd be far

The other day Lux and I were having a pretty long conversation about a lot of things.  And while it definitely rolled through a few subjects, we discussed a lot of what piques different parts of our brains, and the like. Of course, it started by me needing to remind him that I do actually respond to discipline, so long as whatever is happening is being said that it's discipline, and there then is a presence of positive reinforcement for good things as well.  I think Lux often forgets this just because we keep things pretty neutral, and most of the time when he does something that would be seen as punishment to other dynamics, I find it fun and encouraging because I'm not being told it should be otherwise. We also talked about how a lot of the time, I tell him he's in charge because so much of our dynamic is based on very simple respect, and not a lot of active power exchange.  About how he enjoys exerting some amount of territorial possessiveness on occasion, and how he

The other day, I mentioned to Kitty that the morning was weird, simply because things were happening a bit differently than they normally would.  He was instantly worried, and started to take my reassurances as trying to brush things off.  It took a while for him to realize that I truly did mean that nothing bad was happening. He said that it was him simply being paranoid.  That he was broken, and it was just the way he is. Well, I jumped on that without hesitation.  I rather forcefully told him that he is not broken.  Maybe a little weird.  And certainly not pristine, but not broken simply for who he is.  Not only that, but having genuine worry and concern for a loved one should never be something that counts as being broken.  Eventually, he said that while he may not believe that all the time, he did then. At the same time, I look at Lux, who is somehow managing more and more crisis in his life, and trying to hold himself together.  When he hugs me, he tells me he's broken.