A New Devious Chapter

Over the weekend Lux asked me if we could play games one evening.  Without any doubt from anyone, I said of course, and we had plans. While I knew we had a talk to go over in regards to a few things coming up, he apparently had even more serious things to talk about.  And Pit People.  We needed to finally get to that too. So we set up our voice chat, and he asked for an assessment of where we're at with everything that's happened lately.  He's getting undeserved pressure from every side, and some of it is in regards to us, and our dynamic/relationship.  While we don't feel a need to labels and status, and simply being present, a lot of other people don't feel that way.  I assured him that we're ok, and that there might be some questions he needs to ask others about why they feel this way. We also checked in on our status of poly and being open and all that.  The decision was made to attend both Pennsic and Fusion this year, which I'm very excited and m

After putting on my makeup to go run errands one day, I popped into the den to announce to my father that I no longer looked like a zombie.  He commented about how pale I look with foundation on to cover my freckles, and I mentioned that it's actually difficult to find foundation pale enough for me.  Which is true by the way.  Way too much makeup nerding here, but I am so fair, and with cool undertones, that even high end lines with upwards of 40 shades don't have something light enough for me that isn't yellow. However, that wasn't the conversation I had.  When I mentioned my difficulty to my father, instead of making a dumb joke that I should just buy white foundation or something, instead told me I need to go into the sun more until I can find a shade. My father told me that in order to have access to something, I need to change my skin color. In order to not get mad in that moment, I joked that bright red foundation is even harder to find. And in what shou

I read something recently about how you supposedly can't promise to love someone, especially in poly.  That they differences in how we express love mean that we can't promise that the other person may feel what we are telling them. That when people complain that partners didn't love them, that it's just an incompatibility in how they express love. Sure, this on the surface has potential of being true.  Incompatible love languages are a thing, and create issues. However, sometimes, when a partner doesn't feel loved, it's because they aren't, and the other person is still continuing the dynamic for the comfort of it.  The fear of being alone.  Being an abusive partner.  A pile of things that has caused them to simply not actually care for the other person, and unfortunately, I think that's the case the majority of the time. Those incompatibilities can often be solved with simple communication.  Asking for different sorts of presence, or saying that

The other day I managed to hit a point that took me way too long to get to.  I finally finished drawing all the pages for what will be a published coloring book (still need to do the last bits, but the hard part is done!).   And seeing myself get the sketch done on that last page, I felt myself wanting to keep going.  Get the inking done, and pictures scanned and cleaned, and get it available for the public.  To get to move onto the next one, just to see if I can get that done faster, and have it look even better. It was a great motivator for me.  I'm still not getting everything done day to day that I want to, but I'm feeling drive to do more, instead of having to tell myself.  Drive to do more for people.  To take on more projects, and complete things I have in mind. I'm the kind of person that has trouble getting started until I feel progress.  And once I do have that sense that I'm actually getting somewhere, I'll plow through. I'm building my

While I'm keeping myself busy to try and help, to questionable success, I'm trying to stay mindful of the things I'm wanting. Honestly, I'm barely wanting sex and play lately, which means I likely need them both that much more.  Instead, I'm just wanting time with people.  Time away from this hole of stress, abuse, and negativity.  Time to do little things with people I care about and just feel that positive connection with them.  Even just walking through a park, or sitting in a coffee house on a couch together.  Little actions that help me find some balance between the things slowly digging further and further into my brain, which already makes me worry if I'll be able to find myself again this time. Those small bits of presence with people give me so much improvement.  So much clarity that I can keep going longer. And it sucks that I need that, because I hate needing anyone for anything.  I hate asking for things, and I hate saying that I need someone

The other day I was on a call with Kitty, and we were talking about how poor communication and jumping to decisions with unsafe people, and without having all the necessary information has gotten quite a few people in trouble over time lately, and how it's something that happens regardless someone's orientation. And while Kitty definitely goes overkill on information with new partners, I've always thought it was standard courtesy and common sense with the things I shared.  Things about my body as far as flexibility goes, good and bad pain, important lines, and all such things.  He brought up about how that's a rare thing, even though it should be the standard. A few days later, a friend tweeted about how she doesn't present or perform often, and how it doesn't make her any less valid in the scene. It makes me consider all the things I could talk about in the scene.  About bottoming, and communication, and poly, pain management and processing, abuse, afterc

I've been continuing to try and find ways to help my mind settle out at all.  While everyone here tends to try and make me feel worse, I can't let myself stew in where I was, or even where I am now. With that, I've been trying to constantly ask myself what I can do with the time I have in that moment.  What can I do to be more productive.  To help someone, or to accomplish something myself. So, no matter how small a thing, I've been working to do more.  Finish more books, draw for more coloring books, make myself work out, be present for others.  And while the people I live with may dig into me more than is even remotely healthy, I'm doing something about it.  I'm trying to help my own mind, because with where I was, I'm honestly not sure how long I would have lasted.