A New Devious Chapter

I try to be very relaxed about my partners finding other fun people in their lives.  I try to trust their judgement, because, hell, they decided to keep me around, so they make some good decisions. I learned while with Thrax not to think of myself as being in competition with anyone.  That if someone is going to treat me like shit, they'll do it regardless of the other people, and anyone worth keeping around will listen to me warning them about unhealthy or attacking behaviors. Jealousy doesn't serve me, and I'm very comfortable in my view that so long as I'm being treated consistently, everything is cool in the world.  If at any point I need more attention, I have no problem asking for it, and generally get it.  However, I get nervous whenever a partner of mine finds a new person.  It's not really out of worry for how it'll affect me, but how it'll affect them.  I'm incredibly protective, and I've seen partners get hurt by others far too often to

(Written on the train home) So, I'm currently dropping from some last minute cherry popping, but I'll get to that soon. I anticipated the week to be filled with a lot of time to myself, and plenty of snuggles in the evenings, with some play and adventures.  Lots of time utilized with Kitty on what will be likely the last time I'll see him before the move. The Saturday before Easter I managed to get in a couple hours with Lux.  He was in a messy mindspace, but we had some good snuggles and time together.  I didn't want him to leave, and wished that after a month without him, I could have the night, considering I have no idea when I'll see him again. Sunday was the long trek in the evening south, and by the time I got in, all there was time for was a quick tour, some hugs, and bed.  The rest of the week, unfortunately didn't go so well.  Instead of time snuggled up, I had to listen to Kitty and Fox argue about their wedding, and watch him with one of his othe

For the longest time my body had a sort of defence mechanism against my sex drive.  Because all of my partners showed no real interest or attraction toward me for whatever reason, after about a week without sex, my brain would kind of shut that part of itself down, and I wouldn't think about it.  It was better for my own mind to ignore that part of itself, because it wasn't like there were really options for me (for a multitude of reasons). Welp, having partners that actually match my sex drive (some of the time at least) has definitely proven how much showing interest is important for me.  It was about a month between seeing Lux or Kitty both, and while Kitty still sees me as an awkward teenager, Lux was very vocal about that timespan's affecting him as well.  Those regular expressions of desire made that month rather difficult, and the distance wasn't helping. And, it's not as if I didn't have opportunities with people over the course of that month.  To whic

I happen to be just outside of DC right now, and up until last week, it almost didn't happen.  Back when Kitty cancelled his visit due to a snowstorm, he said he would have me down here some time this month to make up for it.  Shortly after I suggested visiting over Squishy's spring break, because it would give me way more time.  We agreed, that was the best course of action. The trip in February went by, and we were both excited to already have the next visit lined up, anticipating more time together.  Except then I could barely get a hold of him. And we had never ironed out any details. Also, any time we made plans to talk, something came up, so there really was no chance to figure any of it out. It got to the point where I asked Lux if he would mind having me visit, because if Kitty was going to bail, I wanted time with him instead.  Not because he was second best, but because I didn't want to lose out on time with both boys, considering how little I get with them la

So, go look at the very first post in this blog as a reminder, because it makes this post a bit funnier, and have more meaning.  Go on, I'll give you a minute. Did you read it? Got it all fresh in your head? Good. That party I skipped out on last weekend wound up being a complete clusterfuck.  Lux is actually glad I wasn't there for my own safety.  It seems that crazy feminist friend had gotten super drunk around Thrax the last time he visited without his girlfriend, and they wound up making out, with him not remembering any of it the next day.  Last weekend, she wound up doing the same with Felix.  After they were done, she amusedly told him about the time with Thrax, and his girlfriend heard.  She flipped shit, and jumped on Thrax, physically attacking him.  Crazy feminist pulls her off, only to get attacked herself.  Once they put enough bodies between the two of them, his girlfriend threw a fit to have someone drive her home (which wound up being an ex of hers who she h

The friend I avoided seeing last weekend posts a lot on the Tumblr, which is why I saw all those rants about how Lux and I are horrible people every time we'd visit.  While I haven't really looked at Tumblr lately, I hopped on to see something, and out of curiosity, looked through her blog there. I saw one particular post on there, where she talked about how abuse is abuse, regardless of whether the other person "wanted to harm them".  That affecting someone that way, whether purposely, or being unable to see that effect still counts as abuse, and not listening to person affected when they speak up and making those changes just cements it. And, that's not a bad view to have.  It's a very solid thing in fact. Except that she'll preach it only until conflict of interest arises. There were many car rides as I went back home with her where I'd tell her about shit Thrax pulled, and she'd just say "Well, he didn't mean to hurt you, he just n

Lately, I've been paying attention to what helps quiet my mind when it comes to body image.  It's probably no surprise, but my mental state has a lot to do with it.  When I'm only around my parents, who constantly treat me like garbage, I feel horrible.  I want to curl up in a ball, and I want no one to look at me.  Simply to hide under the blankets, and sleep forever, and not have to deal with any of it. And then I stop feeling drive to work out, and notice those changes as well.  I lose that clarity of mind, or that boost of energy, or getting to see what my body can do. It's terrible.  I hate the feeling, and yet I've dealt with it most of my life.  But, when I remember to work out as often as I can, my posture improves, and I see what I'm physically capable of.  I see my strength, and flexibility, and get that feeling like jell-o afterward.  It makes me see all of that in the mirror, and while I notice all the physical imperfections I have, they seem qui

It's been a really weird week for interacting with old friends. I had a weekend with a couple of my oldest friends, catching up, and playing games.  This went well, and I'm glad that it happened.  I stayed up far later than I should have, but it was fun, and that's what matters. However, one of my friends who was causing issues last fall has been trying to get me up to visit.  And, recently, Felix's mother passed away, and they are having a get together to support him, and she's trying her damnedest to have me there.  To the point where she changed the date to work with my schedule.  The thing is though, I don't really want to be around her anymore.  The last half dozen times I've been there, while simply trying to keep up with conversation, she's reacted to what I say with complete irrationality, attacking me, telling I'm wrong, and horrible, predjudice, and a shitty person.  Everyone that I explain this to says that I deal with similar enough at

Little things fuck me up.  The bullshit my family pulls, or the gnome, makes me constantly pissed.  It drags me down and digs away to the point where I overthink, and it makes me feel like shit.  When I bottom, if it's a long enough play session with someone I know, I'll go nonverbal with floaty endorphins.  However, I've got this weird sort of super power when shit happens.  If someone gets hurt, or something goes down, I burn those brain chemicals, and instantly put those emotions to the side.  I gain focus, and clarity to make sure whatever went down gets my full attention until it's fixed and I'm sure everything is good again. When I bottom, if anything is no longer happy, I quickly snap out of the floaty feeling, burn through those endorphins, speak up and stop what is going on.  This is not only helpful for making me a safe partner, but lets me make sure those I care about get every bit of help and support possible, no matter what is happening.  A partner m

Kitty and I used to have a very interesting dynamic in our unacknowledged relationship.  Even though we never discussed it, we had this incredibly strong support structure for us both, and in an odd way, became this weird non-controlling form of d/s.  He at the time did a lot to take care of me, and I tried to do as much for him as I could while being an awkward teenager.  It really looked like this solid healthy and caring relationship that was very obviously with someone in their teens and early twenties.  We'd argue and be at each other's throats over something dumb, and then the next minute, we'd be working like a well oiled machine, acting as the other's hands, and snuggled up as soon as we were done, not needing an apology, but simply moving on from it. And now, things are different.  We've both grown as people, and magically, it's been in a similar enough way that we still just mesh right.  Then there's Lux and I as well, who have a still different d

I wake up every morning to their embrace.  Warm and comforting, enjoying their touch on my skin, I have to convince myself to keep my eyes open.  That contentment as I welcome the day, and greet the peace of the moment.  The challenges of the day come to mind, as I contemplate their worth.  I snuggle in for a moment, sighing at what the day holds. "Stay with me," they whisper, "Stay with me, and we will have this contented warmth, wrapped up in peace as we watch the chaos of the world go by." The offer is tempting, but there are things I want to do, and learn.  There are adventures to be had, and hiding from the world shows me none of them. "Come with me, please?" I ask sleepily, still having touble keeping my eyes open for an extended period of time. "I can't, but I promise I'll be here whenever you decide to join me again." That's always how it is with them.  No matter what I'm striving for, they don't stand next to me,

While making out with Kitty when we were together last, he mentioned feels making his current situation difficult.  That he was used to how we felt about each other way back when, but now taking in his best friend, partner in crime, and a relationship that clocks in over a decade, as well as feels being far beyond what they were, it takes some processing.  And also, as he put it "that l-word we skirt around without really mentioning, but feeling", which I said that we've always told each other when it was needed, but neither one of us felt like we had the place to say it all the time. And then we did the math.  Six years since I'd said it, and longer since he had. There are very few people I've told that I loved since my mid teens.  Probably a half dozen, and rarely was I the first one to say it.  I wait until there's no chance of it being a crush, or a rebound, or any of that, and until that long term shine comes through.  And, I don't say it often.  N

It's been a few months, and after having time with my partners separately and together, I've learned a lot, and figured out many things in regards to how poly balances practically for me. Distance sucks, and even moreso with two partners.  They're both near the same distance from me, but one north, and the other south.  Which means that spending time with either of them is difficult, and they're both just out of convenient weekend visit range.  It's a lot easier to manage with boys as good as Lux and Kitty though.  Day to day I miss them both, and find myself wanting time with each of them, for reasons specific to who each one is, because I do get very different things from both of them.  However, I make sure to keep contact with them both, stay on top of what is going on, and support them as much as I possibly can. Lux texts regularly, but I need to square away phone dates with Kitty, which sometimes is easier said than done.  It's become much easier to give

Last weekend was one of those times when the world just gives you something amazing to let all the shit seem a little easier to deal with.  It started with more delay than any of us wanted, but holy fuck, it was fantastic.  Kitty and Lux got along well, and Fox is better than most of the past partners Kitty has had.  Whenever they were left alone for time to shower or whatever, there would frequently be giggling heard when I was done, or very comfortable and trusting conversation.  Also, within about a half hour of us being all together, Kitty and I both started laughing about the fact that we both have a type, and it becomes incredibly apparent when we have multiple partners in the same place.  Friday night, we had intended to stay in and play games.  Instead, we stayed in, got pizza and beer, and wound up just talking and being silly.  Lux went to bed around one in the morning, and then Kitty and I snuggled a bit, and we continued talking about a myriad of things.  I explained to t

I remember sitting in Kitty's old car.  We were at a gas station, heading out to go to one of his favorite places for dinner, as I told him about the insanity of my parents.  He looked me dead in the eye, and with that slight crack in his voice that happens when he gets into his protective mental panic, said "Y'know, I really am surprised you haven't started drinking or doing any drugs." I was 17 at the time, and just a few months after, my parents would force me to see a therapist because I demanded to be treated like a person, and with respect, and they saw that as "unruly and uncontrollable behavior".  The therapist said I was oddly clear headed and well adjusted for how badly they treated me, and once I turned 18, they didn't see me needing to go to them.  My mother said the therapist was a "waste of space, and did nothing", because I didn't turn into the moronic slave they treat me as though they want me to be. Needless to say, I

This weekend, I'll be spending time on adventures with Lux, Kitty, and meeting Fox, his primary, for the first time.  It'll also be the boy's first exposure to each other in person, and my first time being around both of them at once. Needless to say, I'm incredibly excited. However, this weekend has taken quite a bit of work to put together. Initially, we were all supposed to head up to Flea.  Lux has a bad taste for the event after the last two years though, and so we decided to take a break from it, and see if he misses it next year.  We however still wanted adventure together, especially given losing out on the time with Kitty, and the amount of time since I've seen Lux. Just deciding on the weekend was a project.  We had no real idea what to definitely do, so the weekend was in the air.  It wound up coming down to Fox's schedule, and then I had to get the gnome to watch the beast a different weekend, as I'd already planned for Flea.  That was diffic

Generally, I'm not a fan of Valentine's day.  I find it to be a hokey, false feeling idea that just puts unnecessary pressure, or a superficial mask on relationships.  The expectation or gifts and recognition and gestures and everything creates this competition, and often is the one day a shitty relationship seems to be decent. I'm also not a fan of grand romantic gestures, as I think they usually feel empty though.  It's the little things people do that make me feel the most loved and cared for.  Just thinking of me is enough to make me happy most of the time. There's also the obligation to show affection on the same day that everyone else does.  Showing partners you care should be a regular thing, as well as with any loved one.  In fact, those displays of care mean more on a random day when nothing prompts it more than simply thinking of them. However, as someone who enjoys showing little affectionate gestures constantly, this time of year does lend to it.  I

I'm a fairly possessive partner.  I'm probably considered overprotective, and very territorial.  And, when it comes to power exchange, or open dynamics, it's always been something difficult for me.  When something happens to someone I care about, I'm prone to a bloodrage, wanting to go after whatever hurt them, and be there to take care of them however possible. All the time though, I just want to snuggle up my partners, nom on their head and contentedly say that they're mine.  That's kind of difficult right now though, with Kitty having a primary he lives with, and Lux technically being the one in charge, that level of possessiveness doesn't really fit. And sometimes, that makes me a little lonely.  Not in a really bad way, but because I can't really express that affection the way I want to.  But, you know what?  They're stuck with me whether or not anyone else is there.  I'm loyal to the point of idiocy, and so are they.  In a way, even if n

The other day while on the phone with Kitty, we were discussing how I've never outwardly propositioned, or initiated anything with him.  I told him about how I'm constantly groping on Lux, and trying to get him out of his clothes as often as I can.  And, it's had me thinking since then about how differently I act around them both, and why.  Not that I'm any less myself with either of them, but how they act around me certainly brings out different traits in me. With Lux, he is incredibly forward with me, and while we do just snuggle a lot, the vast majority of the time, he's grabbing my ass, or pulling me against him, or having me suck his cock.  Because being this forward is the comfortable normal, I'm always doing similar to him.  Even with little cute affection, we are far and away more blatantly sexual with each other. Kitty on the other hand is very used to handling me when I was an awkward teenager.  We are constantly holding hands, and taking time for s

I saw a post on Tumblr the other day saying that no one finds people with physical "flaws" attractive.  That everyone only sees those with modelesque figures to be desireable, and anything other than perfection should be surgically taken care of, or altered. And, yes, there was a counterpost showing what most models look like when they aren't being photoshopped, but still, it was only these high fashion models being featured, and in pictures meant to make them look unattractive.  It didn't show at all how people who don't have the figure of an Adonis can be viewed as desirable.  Which, I have to say, both Lux and Kitty are two of the most beautiful men I've ever had in my life, and when I met each of them, they were both overweight, and far from what society deems as sexy in men.  However, Lux may still be overweight, but he has gorgeous curvy, long legs, and broad hips and shoulders that make him look like a walking brick wall.  He has big solid arms, and