A New Devious Chapter

Initially, I was supposed to spend last weekend up with Lux.  We had talked about throwing a birthday party, and I would spend a week up with him.  I had to fight with the gnome to get him to listen to me, and not change plans he had promised to and take Squishy in the agreed upon time period.  Then, while at camp, Lux told me he was being sent away during that week.  Off to the UK, and far away from here, removing our original plans. When I mentioned it to my mom, she shoved the idea of me pestering him to bring me down my throat so much that I felt badly for even talking to her about it and thinking that might be a possibility.  Like always, she just assumed that I should take advantage of people, because it's what she does. And so I had to make new plans with a week free. Luckily Dansa hopped up to tell me to spend some time up at her place, and we would adventure about the city, and I would meet her pup, and we would have fun. So, I spent a long we...

With pride month happening a few weeks back, everything was covered in rainbows.  And while I have people I love and care about who do like to carry things with the normal pride colors on it, I myself don't really identify with that flag.  I am many, many things, but none of them include that rainbow of colors. With all the stores featuring pride merchandise, it made me think about how much I should make something of my own.  Something that obviously isn't going to a greedy corporation hopping on a train of popularity. It's a difficult thing though, with not being out to my parents or siblings.  Until I realized that I don't really care. So in the last week I've started making patches.  Big proud patches covering all the things I am.  There's a jacket I love that they'll all go onto, and if my parents take the time to look them up because they're curious, then I'm out to them, and they can deal with it.  If they come after me, I will just flat ...

As you can imagine, there was a lot after camp, some of which was simply things floating around in my brain. In the first couple of days back home, there was a lot being tossed around in my head.  After topping again, it kickstarted that part of my brain again, and hard.  Thinking about much more fun I had during that, than the impact scene I had with a friend.  About the new people I met and wanting to indulge in my sadist with them too.  Wanting to hit the point with someone where I have domly power exchange. It was a very odd part of my brain, where for a moment, I questioned being a switch.  Wondered if I was just a top with a high pain tolerance.  It was a weird point to process and think on, and something I hadn't thought about for a long time. And then I remembered those moments where I sat at Lux's feet, and felt his hands through my hair.  Those moments of happily acknowledging my place with him, and the power exchange we've built. ...

One of my last afternoons at camp a friend walked into the cafe where I was having lunch.  She sat down, and we talked about how Lux and I were some of the only people who knew she was into kink that had met her in another circle because we shared multiple hobbies.  She said that she could tell looking at us that we had some manner of dynamic (though honestly, our power exchange is just about invisible to anyone but us) but I joked about the giant chain around her ankle being a bit obvious on our end. We spoke about how she isn't out in any other circles, and how she has trouble speaking to vanilla people because she has to keep this side a secret. And I didn't quite get it. I run in a ton of circles.  I have older vanilla friends, and find new vanilla people.  I often joke that I can't go anywhere or to anything without running into people I know. And to some of them I'm out, even if just in knowledge.  We however spend time together like any oth...

I've spoken here previously about how little I need from partners.  In general, I need presence, basic respect, and consistency from words to actions. And, well, those are true, but apparently there's more to it than that.  Which of course, because it's me, I had to learn the hard way. I need a little more than just basic consistency.  That's important of course, but I need a bit more assurance than that.  Much like the small gestures of care I often talk about, and how much they mean to me, I need little physical gestures of attention to express affection, care, and desire. It's something that took a lot of self exploration, but I've figured it out. And, honestly, as much as I hate asking for anything, so even acknowledging that as a need is hard, is helpful to me.  I can think back to many times when a partner had shown heavy attention to others, and given me none to balance things out, and feeling hurt and almost abandoned. And I know that this is a...

After my mental whirlwind of a night when the fire show happened at Fusion, I decided that scotch and cigars were a necessary thing.  Back to Compound I went, where one of many Aussies was present and offering me tasty scotch.  I talked to him for a few minutes, before Dansa came over to sit with us.  I mentioned my classes, and a man near us asked about what I was teaching. I told him I was teaching a care of tops lecture, and we began in on discussing different aspects of things.  Basic concepts of negotiation, ideas on topping from the bottom, and a handful of other topics.  In general he responded fairly respectfully, but definitely had me more tagged as a bottom with how he talked to me, I tried speaking to me like I was a child, which I didn't appreciate. And then while talking about these things, he decided to try turn it into a dick measuring contest of toppy skill.  He told some story about how he played with a woman for the first time, and whi...

Not everything at camp that I learned was done peacefully.  One of the biggest things for me to deal with at this event hit me hard, multiple times, as I tried to explore it and find the words to make it better. It crept in along the first couple days.  Feelings of distress that I couldn't explain, combined with selfish thoughts that I never like having appear in my head.  After that first bit of time, things hit hard as I went to hug Lux, and we needed to go and take a walk, and snuggle, and try to find words. I noticed old patterns that I didn't want to ever deal with again, and tried to talk through them as much as I could to make some manner of sense.  While it started to get the idea across, I don't think that talk helped all that much, but got things moving in my own mind. Over the rest of camp, we had moments where I sat at his feet.  Leaning against his knees in the Compound living room and feeling his hands through my hair and on my neck.  It...

One of the biggest things about this camp, was getting to see Kitty for the first time in way too long.  I'd missed him, but at the same time, was trying to make space to be less frustrated with his lack of contact even when we weren't sharing a physical space. I won't lie and say that I wasn't excited to see him again though.  To see if we could fit together the way we always have. When Pyre went to pick Kitty up from the airport, Lux was also heading to a class a friend was running.  I had wanted to go take the class with him, but we all agreed it would be better for me to be a surprise at the airport.  I got into the car with Pyre, and while riding off, we had a long talk about some things that need to be addressed soon.  While we tossed the idea around of making that happen at camp, it never did. As we rolled up to the gate, I dove into the back of the car, laying down as flat as I could.  I thought he would come up to the back of the car, but ins...