Not everything at camp that I learned was done peacefully. One of the biggest things for me to deal with at this event hit me hard, multiple times, as I tried to explore it and find the words to make it better.
It crept in along the first couple days. Feelings of distress that I couldn't explain, combined with selfish thoughts that I never like having appear in my head. After that first bit of time, things hit hard as I went to hug Lux, and we needed to go and take a walk, and snuggle, and try to find words.
I noticed old patterns that I didn't want to ever deal with again, and tried to talk through them as much as I could to make some manner of sense. While it started to get the idea across, I don't think that talk helped all that much, but got things moving in my own mind.
Over the rest of camp, we had moments where I sat at his feet. Leaning against his knees in the Compound living room and feeling his hands through my hair and on my neck. It was incredibly centering for my mind in those moments. Made me feel like a contented slave in my space with the smallest of gestures.
And as we were leaving, and talking about random things, the thoughts of what had hit me first showed up again. I quietly sobbed in the truck for a while, upset with myself for not being able to figure out the words. Upset for not being able to talk things out in that moment. I tried to force half thoughts, in hopes something would come to my mind.
Finally, something clicked in a way I could talk about. Something I could ask for that was small and simple and difficult to ask for in the moment normally, and even moreso with our dynamic (not that our dynamic stops me from anything, but it would be a very odd situation). Lux immediately brightened up. There was something he could do, and it was incredibly simple in the scheme of things.
I felt better after I had gotten everything out at that point. How I felt, why I felt that way, what was causing it, and what I needed. It made me happy that we make such an effort to talk things out, and feel safe to communicate issues when they arise. Things don't always work perfectly, and our brains are weird, and we need to be patient in these moments to keep things working.
It crept in along the first couple days. Feelings of distress that I couldn't explain, combined with selfish thoughts that I never like having appear in my head. After that first bit of time, things hit hard as I went to hug Lux, and we needed to go and take a walk, and snuggle, and try to find words.
I noticed old patterns that I didn't want to ever deal with again, and tried to talk through them as much as I could to make some manner of sense. While it started to get the idea across, I don't think that talk helped all that much, but got things moving in my own mind.
Over the rest of camp, we had moments where I sat at his feet. Leaning against his knees in the Compound living room and feeling his hands through my hair and on my neck. It was incredibly centering for my mind in those moments. Made me feel like a contented slave in my space with the smallest of gestures.
And as we were leaving, and talking about random things, the thoughts of what had hit me first showed up again. I quietly sobbed in the truck for a while, upset with myself for not being able to figure out the words. Upset for not being able to talk things out in that moment. I tried to force half thoughts, in hopes something would come to my mind.
Finally, something clicked in a way I could talk about. Something I could ask for that was small and simple and difficult to ask for in the moment normally, and even moreso with our dynamic (not that our dynamic stops me from anything, but it would be a very odd situation). Lux immediately brightened up. There was something he could do, and it was incredibly simple in the scheme of things.
I felt better after I had gotten everything out at that point. How I felt, why I felt that way, what was causing it, and what I needed. It made me happy that we make such an effort to talk things out, and feel safe to communicate issues when they arise. Things don't always work perfectly, and our brains are weird, and we need to be patient in these moments to keep things working.
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