After my mental whirlwind of a night when the fire show happened at Fusion, I decided that scotch and cigars were a necessary thing. Back to Compound I went, where one of many Aussies was present and offering me tasty scotch. I talked to him for a few minutes, before Dansa came over to sit with us. I mentioned my classes, and a man near us asked about what I was teaching.
I told him I was teaching a care of tops lecture, and we began in on discussing different aspects of things. Basic concepts of negotiation, ideas on topping from the bottom, and a handful of other topics. In general he responded fairly respectfully, but definitely had me more tagged as a bottom with how he talked to me, I tried speaking to me like I was a child, which I didn't appreciate.
And then while talking about these things, he decided to try turn it into a dick measuring contest of toppy skill. He told some story about how he played with a woman for the first time, and while she asked for one type of scene, he "could tell" from how she behaved that she "needed catharsis instead" and changed the scene in the middle.
Congrats, you're now unsafe to me.
When I negotiate with someone, I'm doing that to the level I'm ok with in regards to them. If I bottom for two people in a weekend, I may negotiate a much heavier scene with one than the other, because they know me better and we've built that trust. If the one I negotiated something lighter with decides that I need that heavy scene with them, it's one of the fastest ways to ensure I don't play with them again. It doesn't matter what I need, but what we've agreed to.
Maybe one top knows how to deal with me after something heavier. Maybe they know that line between catharsis and a trigger. Maybe I simply feel safer with them. I negotiate to my level of safety, and expect the person I am playing with to do the same, and for us both to trust that.
And as for changing things mid scene, that is a consent violation right there. Mid scene renegotiation isn't cool, and honestly isn't safe. A lot of people won't stop those changes mid scene because they are afraid of using a safeword (which defeats the point of it altogether) or because they don't realize that they can. Making those changes often makes the bottom uncomfortable, but feeling like they need to trust the top because he's being an almighty domly dom, and it winds up doing more harm than good.
For every time that I learn something in a positive way, there's one where I have reinforcement from a bad example.
I told him I was teaching a care of tops lecture, and we began in on discussing different aspects of things. Basic concepts of negotiation, ideas on topping from the bottom, and a handful of other topics. In general he responded fairly respectfully, but definitely had me more tagged as a bottom with how he talked to me, I tried speaking to me like I was a child, which I didn't appreciate.
And then while talking about these things, he decided to try turn it into a dick measuring contest of toppy skill. He told some story about how he played with a woman for the first time, and while she asked for one type of scene, he "could tell" from how she behaved that she "needed catharsis instead" and changed the scene in the middle.
Congrats, you're now unsafe to me.
When I negotiate with someone, I'm doing that to the level I'm ok with in regards to them. If I bottom for two people in a weekend, I may negotiate a much heavier scene with one than the other, because they know me better and we've built that trust. If the one I negotiated something lighter with decides that I need that heavy scene with them, it's one of the fastest ways to ensure I don't play with them again. It doesn't matter what I need, but what we've agreed to.
Maybe one top knows how to deal with me after something heavier. Maybe they know that line between catharsis and a trigger. Maybe I simply feel safer with them. I negotiate to my level of safety, and expect the person I am playing with to do the same, and for us both to trust that.
And as for changing things mid scene, that is a consent violation right there. Mid scene renegotiation isn't cool, and honestly isn't safe. A lot of people won't stop those changes mid scene because they are afraid of using a safeword (which defeats the point of it altogether) or because they don't realize that they can. Making those changes often makes the bottom uncomfortable, but feeling like they need to trust the top because he's being an almighty domly dom, and it winds up doing more harm than good.
For every time that I learn something in a positive way, there's one where I have reinforcement from a bad example.
Goodness. What a jerk, and glad he outed himself like that. It just makes me wonder what to do further to protect others... I suppose report but sometimes that doesn't do much.
ReplyDeleteThis is more a case where just telling people quietly that he has some fairly shit methods can deter people. The fact that he told me and was proud of it the first time meeting him shows that he's probably not the type that's out there for purposeful abuse, and will likely spout it to others as a means of showing off, and that's likely to push people away on its own.
DeleteLet him dig his own hole.