One of the biggest things I've noticed with how I've been feeling, is how active my dysmorphia is. How little I want people to see me, and how that feeling of panic over having someone take my picture has returned.
I had it to a point where it wasn't terrible for a while, but in the last year or so, it's gotten bad that even having people see me in public makes me anxious, not for how I dress or my hair or anything, but for my body itself.
And, I can't live like that. I try to keep my dysmorphia from actually stopping me doing anything, but the anxiety is still there, and no one can survive with that.
So long story short, Lux did way too much for me, and now I have a far better way to take photos. With this, I've decided that I need to not only take more photos of myself, but try to take interesting ones, and post more online.
And I've been doing so.
It's hard. Like, really hard.
Taking pictures of myself isn't the worst, but I get nit-picky over how they look, even if I'm just sending them to a friend. I refuse to use all of the photo-editing programs out there, because I believe that's even more toxic, so instead I need to just deal with being over-critical of myself.
However, just starting to take these pictures is helping already. I'm trying to tell myself that these are for something. I am bringing contrast to this bright, overly cheerful, heavily edited, and cookie cutter space. Bringing a new shape, style, and message, in as many ways as I can. That helps. The pictures become less a self-judgement of my body, and more an expression of strength, self, and capability.
Steps are being made, and I'm becoming a better me.
I had it to a point where it wasn't terrible for a while, but in the last year or so, it's gotten bad that even having people see me in public makes me anxious, not for how I dress or my hair or anything, but for my body itself.
And, I can't live like that. I try to keep my dysmorphia from actually stopping me doing anything, but the anxiety is still there, and no one can survive with that.
So long story short, Lux did way too much for me, and now I have a far better way to take photos. With this, I've decided that I need to not only take more photos of myself, but try to take interesting ones, and post more online.
And I've been doing so.
It's hard. Like, really hard.
Taking pictures of myself isn't the worst, but I get nit-picky over how they look, even if I'm just sending them to a friend. I refuse to use all of the photo-editing programs out there, because I believe that's even more toxic, so instead I need to just deal with being over-critical of myself.
However, just starting to take these pictures is helping already. I'm trying to tell myself that these are for something. I am bringing contrast to this bright, overly cheerful, heavily edited, and cookie cutter space. Bringing a new shape, style, and message, in as many ways as I can. That helps. The pictures become less a self-judgement of my body, and more an expression of strength, self, and capability.
Steps are being made, and I'm becoming a better me.
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