As I've mentioned, I've been trying to take more pictures of myself to help with my dysmorphia. One of the things I noticed with the new camera I'm using, is that it distorts images a bit, and I've been learning to work with it. At one point I joked that since I had a camera that did some funky stuff, I should learn to take instagram butt pictures, and how to pose for them, and learn that I have a better butt than most of the butt models on there.
Well, I did, because it seemed like something fun to do that day, and I thought it would be a good way to push myself. And honestly, I didn't hate the pictures. They didn't make me happy at all, but looking at them when I took them didn't make my skin crawl. I decided to share them with Lux, because he would appreciate them.
While he did, he also made comments about me taking pride in them, or showing off, or whatever. And I know that was his brain trying to make the situation hot, but as he made those comments, it set off my brain. I wasn't proud of how I looked in those pictures, or of my body. I didn't, and don't find myself as something to show off. Those comments made me want to delete every picture, even from the thread I sent them over in, and curl up under a pile of blankets and not let anyone see me. It gave me shaking anxiety, and I hated myself for taking them.
I realized that in this case my dysmorphia was attached to emotions over my body. Had he just made appreciative comments about my body itself, it likely would have been affirming. Had he mentioned wanting to do things to me (because this is welcomed with established partners), it also would have likely had a positive reaction and effect. By attaching emotions to my actions though, especially ones so wrong, kicked off every bit of anxiety in my brain. I'm far more proud of the things my body does than the way my body looks. I would rather show off skills I've trained. I am proud when my body keeps going and doing things that require more strength than a lot of friends have. Bringing up something that my brain literally distorts my perception of to say I should have pride, even when that is not the intention, is a surefire way for me to panic.
Well, I did, because it seemed like something fun to do that day, and I thought it would be a good way to push myself. And honestly, I didn't hate the pictures. They didn't make me happy at all, but looking at them when I took them didn't make my skin crawl. I decided to share them with Lux, because he would appreciate them.
While he did, he also made comments about me taking pride in them, or showing off, or whatever. And I know that was his brain trying to make the situation hot, but as he made those comments, it set off my brain. I wasn't proud of how I looked in those pictures, or of my body. I didn't, and don't find myself as something to show off. Those comments made me want to delete every picture, even from the thread I sent them over in, and curl up under a pile of blankets and not let anyone see me. It gave me shaking anxiety, and I hated myself for taking them.
I realized that in this case my dysmorphia was attached to emotions over my body. Had he just made appreciative comments about my body itself, it likely would have been affirming. Had he mentioned wanting to do things to me (because this is welcomed with established partners), it also would have likely had a positive reaction and effect. By attaching emotions to my actions though, especially ones so wrong, kicked off every bit of anxiety in my brain. I'm far more proud of the things my body does than the way my body looks. I would rather show off skills I've trained. I am proud when my body keeps going and doing things that require more strength than a lot of friends have. Bringing up something that my brain literally distorts my perception of to say I should have pride, even when that is not the intention, is a surefire way for me to panic.
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