For the last few months, I've noticed things all over the internet talking about dysphoria in regards to being transgender. Statements saying that you have to have dysphoria in order to be trans, or saying that this concept equates being trans to requiring some form of suffering.
And it's something I consider a lot. I'm definitely further from cisgender the more I explore the concept, but I find that my body dysmorphia is very different from a feeling of dysphoria. My dysmorphia is me viewing my body differently than it actually is, and my brain hating what it turns that image into. It's not a case where my body feels like it's the wrong one.
I don't have any issue with having breasts, or hips, or a vagina. In fact, after many years, I've learned to actually like the fact that I have a very naturally curvy shape. My body for me isn't something that defines my gender, as much as it does for many people.
What is an issue for me though is how to present myself. I always feel better presenting myself as more masculine. Being told that I have to dress feminine beyond my comfort, or for an extended period gives me intense anxiety. When people have asked me to pose in traditionally sexy ways for women, I want to run.
Instead, I try to create this teetering balance. Where I can just pass for cisgender, but have on more than one occasion passed for a man. I've actually been looking up more concepts of masculine posing and presentation lately, so I can try to find a more comfortable balance for myself, rather than for the comfort of others.
I laugh sometimes, because Squishy tells me I look like a boy. At first I would explain to her that I didn't look like a boy, but just like me. Now when she says it, she then says I look pretty. It's become something where she can see that I feel right when presenting in my weird mix of whatever I am, and I look better because of it.
So no, I don't have dysphoria for the body I walk around in all the time, but it comes in many shapes, and I've explored for a long time to find ways to avoid it.
And it's something I consider a lot. I'm definitely further from cisgender the more I explore the concept, but I find that my body dysmorphia is very different from a feeling of dysphoria. My dysmorphia is me viewing my body differently than it actually is, and my brain hating what it turns that image into. It's not a case where my body feels like it's the wrong one.
I don't have any issue with having breasts, or hips, or a vagina. In fact, after many years, I've learned to actually like the fact that I have a very naturally curvy shape. My body for me isn't something that defines my gender, as much as it does for many people.
What is an issue for me though is how to present myself. I always feel better presenting myself as more masculine. Being told that I have to dress feminine beyond my comfort, or for an extended period gives me intense anxiety. When people have asked me to pose in traditionally sexy ways for women, I want to run.
Instead, I try to create this teetering balance. Where I can just pass for cisgender, but have on more than one occasion passed for a man. I've actually been looking up more concepts of masculine posing and presentation lately, so I can try to find a more comfortable balance for myself, rather than for the comfort of others.
I laugh sometimes, because Squishy tells me I look like a boy. At first I would explain to her that I didn't look like a boy, but just like me. Now when she says it, she then says I look pretty. It's become something where she can see that I feel right when presenting in my weird mix of whatever I am, and I look better because of it.
So no, I don't have dysphoria for the body I walk around in all the time, but it comes in many shapes, and I've explored for a long time to find ways to avoid it.
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