Having been down at Kitty's for a couple of days, it is incredibly noticeable the amount of change from last month, and even since talking to him the slightest bit. Most of base level need is taken care of, regardless of having not even told him what any of it is.
It's still odd though, being asked about wants. A strange tiptoeing vibe on his end, of not knowing where we sit after time of not cultivating things has left a strange existence for our relationship, and we need to figure out where we are now, in order to grow and move further.
On the same hand, being asked about wants in the abstract remains difficult. I find myself needing to fight the thoughts that I am not allowed to want, because of the consequences. That I need to do without because it'll just result in an empty promise. That it'll be used against me later. That I'll just be told no because even simple needs are too much.
I realize that even though I've had years of space from these past relationships, there are still things that dig in. Things that I am discovering that have messed with my mind, and I need to work on in order to be a better partner.
And as much as I'm aware of them on my own, I need to work on them while on the spot, and in the moment.
However, I'm seeing the desire to make things better, and help, and build. Eventually, I'll have the chance to explain everything, and why things come out strange. Why I am teaching myself to ask for things, or still express wants on my end. And maybe it'll help him too.
Still reprogramming, but there's been an amazingly positive start.
It's still odd though, being asked about wants. A strange tiptoeing vibe on his end, of not knowing where we sit after time of not cultivating things has left a strange existence for our relationship, and we need to figure out where we are now, in order to grow and move further.
On the same hand, being asked about wants in the abstract remains difficult. I find myself needing to fight the thoughts that I am not allowed to want, because of the consequences. That I need to do without because it'll just result in an empty promise. That it'll be used against me later. That I'll just be told no because even simple needs are too much.
I realize that even though I've had years of space from these past relationships, there are still things that dig in. Things that I am discovering that have messed with my mind, and I need to work on in order to be a better partner.
And as much as I'm aware of them on my own, I need to work on them while on the spot, and in the moment.
However, I'm seeing the desire to make things better, and help, and build. Eventually, I'll have the chance to explain everything, and why things come out strange. Why I am teaching myself to ask for things, or still express wants on my end. And maybe it'll help him too.
Still reprogramming, but there's been an amazingly positive start.
Comments
Post a Comment