Too Easy

Coming out of the last visit to see Kitty, and up to this one, I had brought to him a few things we needed to talk about, and he agreed.  One of which was him saying that he wanted to go over the actual parameters of our relationship, what it included, and what that meant.  As well, in a way to make that easier, things like wants and needs from us both.

And, that's incredibly hard for me.  I've never taken the time to create outlines for my relationships.  They were things that developed organically, with their own rules and cautions that came about with time.  I dislike the idea of putting a relationship into a box of expectation.  I suppose for some people it makes things easier, but life gets in the way, makes things exist in flux, and so aspects of relationships constantly change.

I've also up until now been in states where my words held weight in relationships.  Where my wants and needs mattered, and where me speaking up wasn't met with attacks, gaslighting, lies, and excuses.  The bar has always been set lower and lower, to where I more than anything just need to not be treated like a piece of shit.

So for everything I've learned about trying to make a healthy relationship, I've focused on being a good partner out of my own actions, rather than helping them know how to be good to me.  I was complacent with the simplest decent actions, because it was better than the alternative that I had dealt with, rather than thinking about the things which would help a relationship actually flourish.

And it should be easy.  Trying to figure out what a partner can do that makes a relationship feel like one, or that I need in order to be happy.  But for so long I've been told that any request is too much.  That I'm being too demanding.  That I should be happy with whatever they had done.  Told they were doing something just to shut me up.  Good deeds done in order to justify shit behavior.  So I asked for nothing.  If I don't ask, there's no disappointment of it not happening. It can't be used against me.  Can't become a bullet.

Still more growth to do.