Mind Wrack

I had almost a week without Squishy home before the invasion.  I got through the weekend taking time for myself, and then Monday hit.  Only a few days before leaving, and as my mind was settling from not having to constantly worry about everything with Squishy, it started confronting everything else.

Which meant all of the anxiety ever during the day.  My mind was confronting the idea of breaking lockdown, and being around people again, and likewise, possibly making contact with people again.  After so long avoiding people, and worried about the involved with seeing anyone, as well as everyone pushing for no large gatherings for safety, was I ready to break that?  Would Kitty feel safe hugging me? 

My mind was spinning from not knowing, and it wasn't doing me any good to just stay quiet.  I went to talk to Pyre to get an idea from her about what he would do, and she told me that I needed to leave it to him, but she felt safe making contact with me.  She also suggested talking to my family.

And while my parents don't give a fuck at all, it reminded to talk to a couple people who do matter. 

So I contacted Squishy, and she told me that if she was going to hug people up there, I should feel safe going and having contact as well.

I also asked Lux how he felt, because he would be hopefully the next person I would see.  He encouraged me to not just see people, but to hug them, and have whatever contact I needed for my mental health.  That after the last few months, I needed it in order to take care of me.

And that, that helped.  As much as I worried if Kitty would feel safe, knowing that the risk was beneficial on my end helped me be ok with breaking my own lockdown.  It settled my brain, and actually helped me process through until the weekend itself.

Sometimes, you just need the ok, and to yank off the bandaid.