Over the course of summer, I found that even though I was spending time with people, my dysmorphia was more often than not acting up an incredible amount. Once the summer was done, and I was dealing with things home as well, my body image plummeted, dealing with all the tics brought on by real dysmorphia.
I'm sure it didn't help that over the summer I started to feel like an obligation, and even if sex wasn't happening, treated like there was no attraction at all. No words or gestures to help me fight the voices in my brain, even tiny ones. And because my brain only overthinks once it starts going, there was no real way for me to dig myself out at a certain point, especially after telling Kitty how much small gestures help, and having none.
Now that I'm taking things into my own hands again, and trying to make better habits, it's giving me the time to quiet the bad thoughts, and start to create the space for better ones. Even a week and a half in, I am noticing myself feeling better about what I see. I'm wanting to hide less, and starting to be able to make my dysmorphia yell a little more quietly.
It's making me miss things from others more though. Being told that I'm found attractive, with or without words, and even with the smallest actions. I can start to not hate what's in the mirror, and as much as I don't much care what others think normally, when there's no real positive movement from others, my mind immediately moves to, and stays in the worst possible answer.
I'll do what I can for me, and in time, maybe more will happen.
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