A New Devious Chapter

While Lux was here for the holiday, we had initially made plans to go see a movie together, and hang out and talk and try to relax together.  A couple days before I looked up movie times and we made up a plan to spend Saturday together. We had also been talking about wanting to play more, and get back into things, and interest with all the stuff.  About having more comfort getting back into play, and how to have the little kick in the ass so that we do actually play, and not just have sex and snuggle, and more sex and video games. Well, Lux got to my place late on Saturday, and said that we should go get food.  On the way, he made a point of showing off his new toy bag (mostly because of some new things he got for himself), and mentioning all the other things in there.  We talked about some serious things, and some fun things, and found somewhere to eat near the theatre. During dinner we talked about some more serious stuff, and asked about the time once, and shrugged when I said

I've been thinking lately, about how I space, and how the vast majority of the time, I don't get there.  Thinking about how even though I can space from singular aspects, it rarely happens, and why. I have to be able to actually relax in order to space.  However, through my early teens, and even into my present, I'm frequently told that even though I'm funny, and fun, and helpful, I'm wound tightly, and generally very tense.  People used to tell me all the time to relax until I learned to just cover it up with actions. And, that comes through in play.  I need to be at a point where I know I won't have to do damage control or keep a heavy eye on things in the moment.  I can, and will always do what is necessary after the fact, because that has no impact on me during. Especially when it comes to pain though, I have to monitor what is going on so closely due to my pain tolerance.  I have to know what the difference is between pain that feels good, pain that nee

I've had to speak about my pain tolerance to people a lot lately.  Either explaining it to people, or others discovering it, and talking about all the little ins and outs of being able to take a beating like I can. When I first tell people how high my pain tolerance is, they usually wind up asking first if I have to be careful of permanent damage before my brain tells me something is hurting.  They just think that I go from zero to broken bones. And, I mean, for some people, the amount that I take and shrug off may honestly be enough to do near permanent damage to others I do a lot of listening to my body though.  Whether it's pain, or just little changes in my system.  I know when I ovulate, and can usually tell exactly when my period will start well before it does.  I know early on when I'm dehydrated, and what my body needs to run properly.  I pay very close attention to when my body is telling me something is wrong, and when something is just an irritation.  And,

One of the happiest things about Pennsic this year was how much I saw Lux growing, and taking steps to move forward from many things. He wants to be acknowledged as a fighter, and move forward in his knowledge and skill in the SCA, instead of just being a stickjock.  This will likely lead to us making and researching a ton of fun and interesting things in the future, and my helping him to be seen more as an incredibly competent fighter. Which, he managed to not only fight on the field, but enter other tournaments as well.  He tried the Tuchux tournament, and loved every moment of getting to grapple, and wrestle, and fight dirty compared to normal SCA rules.  He just pouted because he couldn't punch them.  Poor sadist. At the play party we went to, he was far more comfortable, actually said he wants to try doing more public play in the future.  He was also far more acknowledging of our power exchange as a whole, and seemed way more interested in beating me up.  All things that

I'm home from Pennsic, and this year was really fantastic.  Lux and I had a much better time than last year, and I felt far more comfortable over all.  Things moved a lot more smoothly, and it was a load of fun. My class went well, and I got in a lot of other solid classes.  Only one was a little disappointing, but the rest were all super fun and I picked up a few cute new things.  Unfortunately, we didn't spend anywhere near as much time at parties this year, so straight up dancing time was a lot lower than last year, but we still had fun nonetheless. The weather kicked everyone's ass.  It was so hot and humid that they were cancelling the heavy battles, and people were dropping left and right.  Most afternoons Lux and I would just lay next to each other, wanting to show affection, but avoiding contact.  The phrase "Don't touch me" became a joke for a few days, due to how gross it was.  With the exception of the first night, when we were clinging to each

This should be the last post prepped up before Pennsic.  You get fresh new stuff soon hopefully. And, speaking of which, this one is looking super busy for me, despite my previous entries! I've got eleven hours of dance classes across three days, a big dance show, and a munch to attend.  Parties at night, and lots of people I want to find time with. I want to find time to walk the camp and take pictures to show everyone. And now, my friend Ogre and Lux both want playtime with me, and are determined to beat me up.  Which, I'm certainly not going to complain about if it happens.  I'm looking forward to actually getting in play time again.  It should be really fun, and while it might be a project to cover the marks, I'll make due. I've also been talking to the cute boy from last year, and I'm pretty determined to touch butts.  I am however terrible at showing attraction toward someone until I develop enough mutual comfort with them to just be awkward and

Prior to this weekend with Lux, it had been a really long time with the absolute minimum affection, and time with partners.  I wanted sex of course, and snuggles, and just contact.  However, I found myself realizing I wanted very specific things. After the rope time with Kitty, I wanted connective, primal violence.  I wanted those endorphins, and contact, and sensation.  To be left tired, and feeling connected, my body overstimulated, and my mind floating in catharsis.  That rope just didn't do it, and it left me craving what would. I've wanted those quiet intimate evenings with my partners.  Time when Lux and I curl up mostly naked, playing video games and being silly.  With lots of sex breaks, and just being us and enjoying that.  Time with Kitty where we turn on a movie, and snuggle up, eventually making out like teenagers, and giggling more than anything else. There have been random nights where I've gone to bed and just wanted someone there to wrap myself around. 

It's been a little while since I got tied up with Kitty, and now that I can properly relfect on it, I can tell how it fits into the way I like to play. I'm not terribly patient when it comes to a lot of things, and play is one of them.  I know Kitty was trying to be very thorough about the harnesses he was putting me in, but sometimes I felt like I was just standing there as a mannequin rather than being played with.  I wanted to be doing something, not waiting for the next step in going in the air.  I've also talked about how play and sex in general for me is about who I'm with, and the connection and vibe therein.  Being in the air got rid of that chance, and made it so I couldn't do anything I wanted to, and not in a fun way, cause, well he doesn't control shit when it comes to me.  It created a desire to play rather than feeling sated.  I came down, curled up, and wanted to get beaten up, and to tear Kitty apart. I think, in the right mood, I could enjoy

Last weekend Lux came to visit after spending the holiday with his parents.  And it couldn't have come at a better time.  We've both been at our limits with other people, and needed time to just enjoy each other. Up until a few days before, I didn't even know if he'd be visiting.  His parents have been wonky about him spending time with me for some really weird reasons, and it has caused him to have to do things he doesn't want to in order to keep the peace with them.  A part of me was really afraid that he'd opt for the entire time with them just to make them happy. And, when the weekend came, I thought they were playing games to keep him there, and from seeing me.  Not giving him an answer of whether they needed him to do anything, and stopping him from leaving.  Luckily, he's so much better than that, and made it over early in the afternoon, fried with them, and ready to relax with me for a day and let off some steam.  He apparently put his foot down ab

Last weekend, I had to sit for my pseudo nephew while his father, who I refer to as an older brother, because he's been in my life since I was born helped my parents with something.  While waiting for a third person to show up, said older brother said I needed to supply anime, and we'd get booze later and have a night to bs. And, it wasn't bad.  I picked out the booze, so nothing weird or gross was there.  You know how most people get drunk, and feel relaxed, or have less inhibition?  Well, I lose motor function and that's it.  I actually get a bit more uptight sometimes because I get frustrated over that lack of physical ability.  I kept texting Lux saying how I don't understand why people enjoy being drunk.  I drink because I enjoy the taste of booze, but for me it's like having a piece of cake.  Every so often I want some, but after a serving, the craving is gone.  Normally, he's used to only seeing me around my parents.  Which means I'm censoring

Last weekend was my first time seeing Kitty in far too many years.  And it was probably something close to being out of a storybook.  We were best friends that were a hair away from a very serious relationship for reasons on both sides.  We were the support structure for each other, and even though we'd bash heads once in a while, it was because we simply hadn't learned to communicate properly with each other, and shortly after, we'd be back to our snuggly giggly normal. Falling back into what had so naturally was almost surreal.  Like time apart didn't matter, and even though we had these experiences without the other there, it didn't affect us at all.  The only difference I noticed was us not holding hands constantly, but we took every possible chance to snuggle and hug and have all the little affectionate touches that help us both. While we threw around a bunch of ideas of things to do, we wound up wandering Philly, babbling about random things, and going right

While at Pennsic, Lux and I attended a play party that I had been invited to.  We had discussed going just to people watch, chat with folks, and likely not play ourselves.  However, that evening while getting ready, he packed his rucksack full of smacky toys, and we headed out, through the block party, and on the hunt for the very secret play party. While on the way, Lux kept pestering me to have the password, which was some dumb combination of terms that I don't even remember anymore.  He joked that I wasn't telling him so that I had leverage over the situation, and I assured him that it wasn't the case, and that he was still very much in charge.  When we got there, it was still fairly quiet.  An old partner of Lux's was tending bar, and we ran into some friends to chat with.  While watching a suspension scene, Lux joked that I had to bring him to a party at Pennsic for him to hit me.  I told him that if I really wanted him to hit me, I'd just hit him first, whic

I really enjoy being marked up.  A lot.  They're like pretty badges of honor for me; little reminders of the fun had, the person who put them there, and the pride of behaving well enough to earn them. Now, in general it takes a lot to mark me up, so most slapping and grabbing will create a small red splotch that disappears in minutes.  It takes a good wailing to leave something on me that will stay.  That too makes me very proud of the marks I wear, because I withstood so much. Now, one of the things I worried about with Pennsic, was walking around with my dance gear on and having people see my bruises and welts.  I generally try to cover them up in normal day to day actions, or if I'm performing at a family venue, but with classes, and parties and heat, I'd rather not have those extra layers.  I worried how Lux would feel walking next to me, and the possible looks he would get as we held hands and I had purple wrapping around my hips. But, I realized that I don't c

Today, is Lux's birthday.  He's turning thirty, cause he's an old man.  I intend to make as many jokes as possible over hitting a new decade in his life, and making him feel old. However, this makes me think about how interesting, and odd it is that we became friends when we did.  I had just broken up with Thrax, and ended a social media hiatus.  I commented on a couple small things on Fet, to which he sent me a message, saying how we had so many mutual friends.  Despite the fact that I was still trickling social things back into my life, I responded, with normal conversation, to which we talked a bit back and forth.  I personally saw nothing coming from it, and figured he was just another fetdom perving about. We wound up going to a fair that we had plans to hit up, and talked for a bit there.  I found his glasses in the middle of the road, and just minor hanging out.  From there we found numbers, and facebook accounts, and continued talking, with slight comments on pla

While I was so fortunate as to have an empty house, Lux decided to come down and spend the weekend with me.  I had leveled out from having less exposure to my toxic family, and was now at the point where I needed extra stimulus in a positive manner to help me reset. And it worked.  In spades.  Even if I didn't want Lux to leave as early Sunday morning as he did, I enjoyed having him around so immensely.  We got caught up on the normal goings on, discussed a bit what is going on with folks lately, and all of the Pennsic prep we needed to chat over. We also had a ton of sex, and despite intentions of beating me, we legitimately were unable to find the time for it.  We did however, get to relax on the porch a lot while he got work done, and on Saturday evening Zero came over with games, and we giggled at them until near midnight, listening to the fireworks on all sides of the house. We also talked a lot about why we haven't been as violent lately.  About the stress going on in

Fusion occurred recently, and a good number of my friends, including Kitty, attended.  The event does spark my interest honestly.  Camping, spending time with friends, getting to play with fire, and having the chance to play with people I am very close to are all things that will get my attention.  I've thought about attending a few times. However, there's a part of me that never enjoyed public play.  There's too many reasons for me not to.  When people look at me, they generally tag me as submissive, and well, that's right some of the time, but definitely not always.  People that don't know me don't expect me to be a sadist, and act like I'm a service top.  No, I really just want to tear people apart, and I'll rip them to shreds too, just for being an ass. The biggest downside for me though, is that my pain tolerance is actually so high that I've had DMs tell me they don't trust a scene with my as a bottom to be safe.  I can take so much force

I've talked on here a ton of times about how most pornography does nothing for me.  About how I find it boring, or simply something to giggle at, if it depicts any form of sexual conduct.  And how the only time I can be aroused by outside images is generally if it is focused on torture itself. A couple weeks ago Lux and I were in the car, and he was talking about porn he found hot, and I just giggled at it.  His immediate reaction was to ask why we have sex so often.  That whenever he mentions porn he's seen, I find it funny, and never say if I find it hot.  I had to remind him that a heavy majority of what turns me on is context.  More than half of what he tells me he sees may make me giggle at mentioning it, but if he were to do it, I'd be all about it.  When I came back from camping recently, we were plotting nefarious plots of sexy things, like we normally do.  And he mentioned something about us playing with another guy, and not allowing me to make him cum via hetero

I've always enjoyed the English language.  Written word especially is something that has been a hobby of mine, and how to correctly articulate exactly what I wish to.  I read books on grammar for fun, despite that I now cringe when listening to others speak, or reading most of what they type up.  When I was in middle school, and high school, I made extra money editing for friends.  Sometimes it was college essays, and others it was fanfiction.  At one point I was devoting a few evenings a week to editing erotica for folks, back in my Gaia days. I have to say that it's made me fairly numb to reading any sort of smut at this point.  No matter how descript, sexual aspects of writing tend to get me bored rather than turned on, and I find myself wanting more from it. And that's the case with a lot of porn.  I find myself bored of it, giggling at it, or just wanting it to feel more complete.  Sexual content as a whole does very little for me, in most cases.  And it's the i

When it comes to normal play, especially of a nonsexual sort, I lean incredibly heavily toward the top side of things.  I want to be the one to illicit the screams of another, and have fun tearing someone up. When it comes to sex though, at the very least in my past, I've fallen into more of the role of a bottom with partners, and it's something I questioned for a long time.  I've found that I'm much more of a sadomasochist when it comes to sex.  I equate force with desire, and direct physical force most specifically.  It's definitely where my primal orientation kicks in.  When I've been with submissive men, and we're fooling around, they'll ask me what I want them to do, and it's seriously the biggest turn off ever.  I'll take control and speak up if I want something specific, but otherwise, I just want to work on instinct.  If someone feels the need to ask what to do, or feels like they need to be gentle, it reads to me that they don't wa

I think one of the first things people ask, or assume when they find out I do the kink thing is if I'm into bondage.  And, it's kind of hard to explain to people. Sure, I'm into it.  There's a lot of fun to it, serves great utility, and can be great for disciplinary purposes. However, it's not something I really crave ever.  I often joke that I'm too impatient for it, and it's more true than people realize.  If I'm gonna get beaten up, slap some cuffs on me to get my hands out of the way, or just skip it and start beating me up.  Instead of some elaborate tie to keep me on the bed while fucking, I'd rather be pinned down so hard my arms bruise. And, honestly, I find it distracting.  I move around a lot.  I'm very wriggly, and snuggle in while being beaten. I grab my partner a lot during sex, and want to grope all over them.  While being beaten, if I can move to react, I can take more.  Having to fight restraints and limit my movement means I c