A New Devious Chapter

Lux comes back from travelling this weekend, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Sure, he lives further away than I'd like him to all the time, but after a few days, I was done with the time difference.  Him being six hours later meant we got no real time together.  I woke up when he was halfway through his work day, and when he was getting out of work it was close to when the beast gets home from school.  By the time he's going to bed, I'm not even at the point of making dinner, and it's just too much of a difference for us to really spend much time.  I'll be very happy for us both to be back to a very similar time table, and can't wait to see him again as well.  I even made him some little toys to play with. In less than a week I see Kitty again, and I am made of excitement.  I am super happy to get to spend time with him, regardless of what we're doing, and really am just looking forward to having solid time together.  We've both had a lot goin

Lux may be across an ocean, and many countries away right now, but the week before he left, I felt so much better, and like we were both getting what we needed.  We spent a lot of time throughout the week on Discord together, and I watched streams of him playing games, so that if we couldn't be curled up on a couch together, we would still have that presence with each other. And while we may message each other constantly, having that time to actively do something together helped so much.   To make it better, before he left, he visited his parents, and spent the night with me.  I was so happy to just have the chance to be snuggled up with him, and spend time with him before he went so far away, and we had to adjust to the massive time change.  I think we both needed the time, especially because he had so much going on throughout that week. We've both been more present, and attentive, and it's definitely helping. Plans with Kitty are also coming together, and I'm

If my brain were a room, It'd be a big space, with lots of random things.  Space to dance, and work tables, and big bookshelves, and big boxes where cute boys live.  Normally, it's got lots of things being worked on and thought about but all in their respective areas, where they stay organized, and let me work on everything I want. Right now though, it's a mess.  A mess of different things. I miss spending time with Lux and Kitty.  Even though I've been talking to them both more regularly, I haven't had time to relax with either of them in person for months.  Lux was planning to come down last weekend to spend time with his parents, and we would have found some time for quiet snuggles, but he was sick, which means I won't be seeing him until after he gets back from travelling to far away lands for work.  Pretty much all I want at this point is time to actually physically snuggle up with them. I'm worried about Lux with everything in his life right now.

I've been trying to have more time talking to both Kitty and Lux.  Regular chats with Kitty have been helping a ton, and have had a very positive impact on my mood.  Lux has been stressed though, and even though we recently saw each other when we went camping, we got very little time to relax together. And that's what I want. I want time to just curl up and relax with someone.  Time when we're not running around trying to get stuff done, and I can actually have physical contact and comfort. It's been a couple months since it's happened at this point, and it's definitely affecting me.   Things like this cause me to be cranky more easily, and I lose my place in thought, or just feel off.   While there's possible time I'll be spending with both boys in the next month, I don't know about either of them definitely yet, and it makes me feel worse in a way.  Because at this point, I've more or less learned not to expect the happier op

Last weekend was a faire I was dancing at, and Lux went to fight and see friends.  It was also a really long week prior to.  Lux will be travelling far away for work in a month, and things with his family were a bit stressful, as well as things at home being difficult for me. We both have somewhat different circles at this faire.  Where Lux is good friends with all the fighters, I've become friends with the other dancers, vendors and performers over time, so we wind up doing very different things during the day.  This resulted in both of us having a very different days, that were less relaxing than we'd expected them to be. Lux saw a lot of his old partners, and there is a ton of things going on with all of them, Most of which were either creating stress in their lives, or frustrating for him.  And after they'd all expressed interest in playing, they all bailed.  Had I not been so busy as well during the day (with things I intend to write about later) I would have made

One day last week was particularly draining for me, though it had a lot of good come from it. Lux and I wound up talking through a bunch of stuff, and at the same time, I was feeling very frustrated with Kitty.  Over the summer, there were countless times when we'd planned to talk, and I'd sat waiting to hear from him, or even though I would send him regular messages trying to keep up communication, I had only got a small scattering of responses, usually with no actual information about his goings on. It had me feeling such a mix of bad things.  I felt ignored, and like he was taking advantage of how loyal he knows I am.  I felt like he was just leaving me aside as he tried to balance his other partners, that I could simply be dropped while he tended to them.  It felt like even after I spoke up from my visit, I was just hearing less and less from him.  Like he was leaving again, but more slowly this time. I had planned to bring it up to him after camp.  He had enough on h

One of the happiest things about Pennsic this year was how much I saw Lux growing, and taking steps to move forward from many things. He wants to be acknowledged as a fighter, and move forward in his knowledge and skill in the SCA, instead of just being a stickjock.  This will likely lead to us making and researching a ton of fun and interesting things in the future, and my helping him to be seen more as an incredibly competent fighter. Which, he managed to not only fight on the field, but enter other tournaments as well.  He tried the Tuchux tournament, and loved every moment of getting to grapple, and wrestle, and fight dirty compared to normal SCA rules.  He just pouted because he couldn't punch them.  Poor sadist. At the play party we went to, he was far more comfortable, actually said he wants to try doing more public play in the future.  He was also far more acknowledging of our power exchange as a whole, and seemed way more interested in beating me up.  All things that

I'm home from Pennsic, and this year was really fantastic.  Lux and I had a much better time than last year, and I felt far more comfortable over all.  Things moved a lot more smoothly, and it was a load of fun. My class went well, and I got in a lot of other solid classes.  Only one was a little disappointing, but the rest were all super fun and I picked up a few cute new things.  Unfortunately, we didn't spend anywhere near as much time at parties this year, so straight up dancing time was a lot lower than last year, but we still had fun nonetheless. The weather kicked everyone's ass.  It was so hot and humid that they were cancelling the heavy battles, and people were dropping left and right.  Most afternoons Lux and I would just lay next to each other, wanting to show affection, but avoiding contact.  The phrase "Don't touch me" became a joke for a few days, due to how gross it was.  With the exception of the first night, when we were clinging to each

This should be the last post prepped up before Pennsic.  You get fresh new stuff soon hopefully. And, speaking of which, this one is looking super busy for me, despite my previous entries! I've got eleven hours of dance classes across three days, a big dance show, and a munch to attend.  Parties at night, and lots of people I want to find time with. I want to find time to walk the camp and take pictures to show everyone. And now, my friend Ogre and Lux both want playtime with me, and are determined to beat me up.  Which, I'm certainly not going to complain about if it happens.  I'm looking forward to actually getting in play time again.  It should be really fun, and while it might be a project to cover the marks, I'll make due. I've also been talking to the cute boy from last year, and I'm pretty determined to touch butts.  I am however terrible at showing attraction toward someone until I develop enough mutual comfort with them to just be awkward and

(Written on the way home) My last post was written over the first few days of my visit north.  It was quiet, and calm for us, but we didn't get much done.  However, the rest of the week was absolutely wonderful.  We were far more snuggly and affectionate, relaxed and had more sex than during the week, and just were able to enjoy each other.  We discussed Pennsic, and projects, and plans.  I helped him with a few things he needed to get done, continued to take care of the apartment, and actively did what I could to help.  He seemed to relax as the week went on, and told me that everything I was doing was appreciated, and did in fact have a positive effect on his mental space. On Saturday, we went down to the city with some of his coworkers, to see a museum, and go to dinner for one of their birthdays.  It was fun, and Lux and I got to flail over the arms and armor for most of the day.  We both burned out on the other people present though, and on the train home we were mostly ju

With Lux and Kitty both being busy, I really haven't had much time with them.  I haven't seen either one of them in months, and only now have been managing to find time to talk to Kitty on the phone because he's at home getting things finished up for the move.  However, they've both been so busy during the day that I'm barely able to talk to them. It definitely has an impact on me.  I'm trying to be supportive and helpful, and stay present and consistent.  While that might not be helping them much, I think it does help, and sometimes I get time where they are responsive in return. However, the lack of time with them, even if things are relatively calm here right now makes me feel like I need some sort of presence.  These lengths of time away make me want simple affection even more than I want the sex, and more than anything, I crave just having time with them.  Those silly and simple moments that don't really involve anything other than time together.

It's something a lot of people fear in relationships.  Hitting that point where there are awkward silences, and time together becomes routine.  I find that in order to avoid it, people try to keep from building a friendship with partners.  The less they know, the less they can relax and just fall into that comfortable lull, depending on passion and superficial attraction. I hate feeling that way with people.  I crave that comfortable feeling with people.  When we can lay on a couch naked giggling over the stupidest things, eating takeout, and playing video games, I am the happiest with a partner.  Those times that absolutely would not occur unless you'd spent enough time to just build that trust and connection with someone. When sex isn't the only thing that makes you feel fulfilled with someone, but those little moments as well.  At the same time, there is that knowing when it comes to sex.  How to tell your partner's interest, and feeling safe in expressing it.  Kno

Last weekend started off difficult.  Lux got held up a lot in traffic, and it meant we were very late meeting up.  By the time we got together, we decided that even though we were both hangry, we would get into the hotel, and order something.  Luckily, we were close to the hotel, and upon getting in, and giggling over the tub, we settled a bit, and tried to decide on food. Welp, we didn't get to food right away.  Instead, sex was very necessary, and even after we were done the first time, it was sort of a constant project to prioritize getting food instead of more sex.  He showed me his new ipad he got for drawing, and made a big deal of the quick doodle I jotted onto it.  We spent the rest of the evening giggling over cartoons while sprawled on the bed eating chinese, and snuggling.  It definitely felt like the calm time we both needed to just enjoy. The next morning, we woke up with more sex, and while trying to figure out what to do with our morning, had coffee, and Lux ran t

Prior to this weekend with Lux, it had been a really long time with the absolute minimum affection, and time with partners.  I wanted sex of course, and snuggles, and just contact.  However, I found myself realizing I wanted very specific things. After the rope time with Kitty, I wanted connective, primal violence.  I wanted those endorphins, and contact, and sensation.  To be left tired, and feeling connected, my body overstimulated, and my mind floating in catharsis.  That rope just didn't do it, and it left me craving what would. I've wanted those quiet intimate evenings with my partners.  Time when Lux and I curl up mostly naked, playing video games and being silly.  With lots of sex breaks, and just being us and enjoying that.  Time with Kitty where we turn on a movie, and snuggle up, eventually making out like teenagers, and giggling more than anything else. There have been random nights where I've gone to bed and just wanted someone there to wrap myself around. 

Last weekend was one of those times when the world just gives you something amazing to let all the shit seem a little easier to deal with.  It started with more delay than any of us wanted, but holy fuck, it was fantastic.  Kitty and Lux got along well, and Fox is better than most of the past partners Kitty has had.  Whenever they were left alone for time to shower or whatever, there would frequently be giggling heard when I was done, or very comfortable and trusting conversation.  Also, within about a half hour of us being all together, Kitty and I both started laughing about the fact that we both have a type, and it becomes incredibly apparent when we have multiple partners in the same place.  Friday night, we had intended to stay in and play games.  Instead, we stayed in, got pizza and beer, and wound up just talking and being silly.  Lux went to bed around one in the morning, and then Kitty and I snuggled a bit, and we continued talking about a myriad of things.  I explained to t

So, I'm unfortunately not with Kitty right now.  More on that later, but instead, an update on the many other things that have happened in the last few weeks. The beast had her seventh birthday.  She got a ton of presents, and I got to meet the boy she likes from her class, which was adorable.  I hope they become good friends.  The party left me tired, but she had a good time. I've got two nights a week busy with different stuff now.  One night is for dancing with a good friend Faye, who is in a new relationship and it's adorable.  The other is with one of my wifeys, who is either going to be dancing or bringing games for us to play.  Having two evenings busy every week is a bit of a change for me again, but it's good for me to be social again, and it does help my mindset. My family is becoming to irrationally toxic toward me that it's slowly creeping into how they view and treat others as well.  They very soon are going to lose everyone around them just with how

The weekend of Halloween was hectic to say the least.  While at the beast's parade at school, my mother tripped on the blacktop, and wound up breaking her wrist.  Which means I've had to take over everything for a house where I'm treated like complete shit. Now, it's rather obvious that for me service is a form of affection.  It's how I show I care, and it comes naturally, and near effortlessly for those I'm close to. For environments like the one I live in aren't the case for this though.  It's psychologically similar to having to fuck a stranger at gunpoint on camera while being ordered about the whole time if the person were vanilla.  And while that sounds dramatic, it's honest. Luckily, I hade Lux here over the weekend, who provided me much needed snuggles the entire time he was here.  He could tell how off I was, and kept being sure to hug me and make me smile.  It was such a tremendous help, and without him there, I would have been a total m

The next two weekends have managed to keep my mood from being total garbage lately with how things at home have been.  I'm really looking forward to them, and the positive effect they should have on me.  This coming weekend is Halloween, and Lux is coming to visit.  We had thought about going to something nearby, but from the sound of things, we'll just be spending time together relaxing.  The only thing we've decided we need to do, is snuggle up with blankets and coffee and be crotchety old people with pipes.  Possibly while handing out candy, as my sister has off of work specifically to take the beast trick-or-treating.  I also intend to do a lot of cooking, as tradition on Halloween says that when everyone is out harvesting candy, some food must be made which is easy to just grab whenever people get hungry.  Usually my mother would make hotdogs and chili, but I'm thinking a couple different kinds of soup, and bread.  Maybe if everyone is in I'll make a mountain

So, I've been kind of bummed lately, due to the state of things at home.  In order to keep from dwelling on the bad, I'm going to make a list of the good things that bring me comfort and happiness. Night time in the car A cigar and a cup of coffee Walking around somewhere calm with friends Watching others play videogames, and providing witty banter Simple food made well.  Fancy stuff can be nice, but I prefer simple savory comfort flavors. Cooking for loved ones The smell of candles lit with a match Hiding in blankets with a book Random silly conversations Comfy snuggly sex.  Even if it's violent, or full of misogyny, or whatever else, I should want to snuggle with my partner Flailing around to music Making something new Learning Helping friends Sitting outside in the fresh air Old fantasy movies Silly anime Violent anime Sore muscles, and bruises Endorphin highs Watching fire The smell of warm vanilla Being naked And I'm sure a ton more things. 

I am finally home from Pennsic, and hopefully soon will be fully unpacked and back to my normal routine.  The next few posts will likely be a smattering of thoughts on my week long adventure with Lux. Our adventure started with loading up the car and having a big dinner.  We got to bed at a decent time, but wound up fucking several times throughout the night, which likely wasn't the smartest plan considering our long drive.  We woke up on time anyway, and got moving quickly, moving right along with the timetable we'd hoped for.  When we got there, I had a lot to process and take in.  Most people claim this is an insane event that will change lives and all such manner of things.  I was a bit surprised in the fact that I didn't feel that, although the event is huge.  I think part of the reason that it didn't have such impact on me is because of my past.  I've been camping since I was eight, doing faires since I was about ten, and larping since fifteen.  Kitty is a