A New Devious Chapter

It's been a strange trip so far. Fox is off for work, leaving for three to six months.  Kitty is sad about it, overly stressed, and sort of letting himself wallow.  Pyre is going to help him, but I'm wondering how much that will do for him with how much he is fighting everything. Kitty also needs to check his privilege.  On more than a few occasions over the last week or so, he's responded to things with some manner of mansplaining, treating me like I'm an idiot, or simply not being aware that I didn't grow up with an affluent, intelligent family.  He's starting to try and argue with everyone on how to do things, and not just with me, but with Lux when he was here as well.  It's hard.  Because I do love him, and I know how he can be, but he's lost so much of himself trying to just be his career, and do what society defines success as, that it'll be really hard for him to dig out a sense of self that isn't so tied into societal competition a...

It's the last real block of time I have this summer before Squishy starts school again.  While a few people had taken off time in the window of what summercamp would have been, since I generally can't be at that event, I didn't feel offput by the lack of opening in everyone else's schedules.  However, I did find out that Kitty had a week off during the time that I would be able to adventure. So, I tried for the longest visit yet this year, and Pyre came to pick me up.  I spent the weekend with her, and got to see Lux for a short period, but for the first time since Pax.  I however, got no sleep, because Pyre's kitten somehow got swapped for a shit gremlin, and so she kept us up for two nights.  It meant that shortly after getting unpacked upon getting to Kitty's, I promptly passed out like the dead. And now, we get to enjoy a fairly quiet week with it just being the two of us during the day, even if dealing with some major life things.  It will be ben...

After returning home from my last trip to see Kitty, in the middle of drop I noticed my brain wandering a few different things.  It started with how my parents, and my siblings think of the pandemic.  Legitimately thinking it's some sort of political hoax, and while following the rules they absolutely have to, thinking it's all one giant lie.  That near the election everything will magically clear up in some attempt to sway the votes. Yea, I know. I thought about the bubble I've made with my polycule.  How even though I am staying home between visits to track if any symptoms arise in the house, and not adding extra sources of exposure, I'm still traveling to another state to see the people I have made a bubble with. And that risk is constantly calculated.  Every time I decide to have a visit, it is in a mindset of making sure it's done in a way to keep others safe.  Yet, I woke up one morning feeling guilty.  Guilty that I was just as bad as ...

Almost two weeks ago, the big storm hit here.  Technically, I don't think it was a hurricane by the time it was here, but there were definitely winds enough count as one. We hunkered in, knowing this particular storm would be short.  It didn't look like it would be too harsh, breaking land well before getting to us, and hopefully dispersing into a less violent event. And by about noon that day, we were out of power.  I told everyone when the lights started heavily flickering, so they would hopefully understand that I may go silent soon after.  When the power went, the cell towers also became unreliable at best.  By that evening my parents could barely get calls to my siblings so we could all check on each other. Because of this, I was unable to actually get a hold of people to let them know I was ok.  Up to the first night, I didn't feel too badly.  Upon waking up the next day, still with no power to be found, I started feeling worse.  At th...

Coming out of the most recent trip to Kitty's there's been an odd swirl of feelings.  Some of which I've already spoken about, but others I've had to take time to process through. Once I had a day home without any of my polycule present, drop started to hit like a brick.  I was exhausted, and doing anything for the first day or so was a project.  Squishy wasn't being easy to deal with, and that certainly didn't help as the I trudged my way through a few days. I wasn't dealing with the usual symptoms though that also accompany that mental state.  I was anxious over not knowing what would happen in the next few weeks.  Overthinking the options that depended on others, possibilities for when Squishy goes back to school, and a thousand other things.  Enough that would overwhelm most, but instead all of gave me a sense of anticipation.  Wanting to know what would happen, and feeling a bit like spinning wheels, but enough possibility for good that it was...

I'm always concerned with keeping a balance between my partners.  Making sure that they both know I have time for them, giving them what I can in regards to both needs and wants.  It's something that's always on my mind, and even more so when I have them both in a shared physical space. There's also a balance I'm used to in how I think of them when I'm away.  A feeling of missing Kitty due to our longer spans of absence, and a yearning for the more frequent familiarity that I get from Lux.  Both have their own comfort in the affection and importance held, but it's certainly a different sort of sensation. With seeing Kitty twice already this summer, I've noticed myself waking up with the same sort of feeling of missing him as I would Lux.  That memory of contact, and waking up snuggled in now fresh in my mind again. It's weird, honestly.  To wake up missing both of them the same way.  To need to sort through and figure out which one I want to ha...

I remember for the longest time thinking that I was wired for monogamy.  That I could only have feelings for one person, because I typically only had a crush on one person at a time.  While spending the last day or so with Pyre though, I kept thinking about how the first couple of years I had with Kitty were.  That one of us always had another partner, and even though we claimed we were just best friends, there was absolutely a level of attraction and love that was always there. And I remember never feeling like I felt less for whoever I was dating when Kitty was around.  I had the same feelings for them both, and made sure I spent time and energy for them both.  On the same hand, Kitty had a partner he was living with, and I never felt a need to end their relationship, or pull him away from who he was with.  I made sure he had time with his partner, and enjoyed seeing the moments where they were happy. Maybe, just maybe, I've been accidentally poly f...