A New Devious Chapter

 I noticed myself feeling a certain way after visiting Dansa, and having Scar visit.  I had finished my books for the year, after drawing and editing like mad.  I had then hopped onto making chainmail, which had me working through thousands of rings in just a few days. I was burning out on creating things, and wanted to put those down, but know that I need some sort of projects to work on or I start feeling a bit crappy as well. Well, Squishy left and I started cleaning through my room.  A heavy deep clean through all of my things, and sorting everything out that had found the wrong home.  In looking about, I wound up finding more of my supplies.  This time, some mohair that I had intended to give to Pyre to dye, as well as all my cord and embroidery thread. It reminded me of how much I do, and how much I make.  I decided to make a collection of kumihimo pieces, and made a small shawl in hopes of selling it soon.  Seeing it also made me remember t...

After the blow up my father had, I was honestly in a bit of an unhealthy space.  I didn't feel safe in my own home, and my mother was also frustrated with him over trying to make plans to travel.  She was ready to drop the possibility of a trip altogether, because he was fixated on doing one specific thing, which she didn't really want to do. Surprise, they did what he wanted anyway, but they were gone for a handful of days, which gave me a break from them, and allowed me to actually feel like I had my own space, in some ways.  Oliver and I managed perfectly well together, and in many ways my mind used it as a way to force a self care break of just not doing for a few days. Lux also visited, and we spent more time together without doing anything in particular than we'd had in almost two years.  Because of the pandemic, we'd only had shorter visits with each other, so it was good to have time when as soon as I saw him, I wasn't already concerned with when he would le...

 As soon as Squishy left for her first span of time with the gnome this summer, the old man had a massive blowup towards me.  I never even said a full sentence to him, and tried to be calm, and he wound up screaming so that the room shook, saying things with a clearly malicious intent.  Without going into much more detail about it, the situation was bad enough that while I was in tears outside, afraid to go into my own home, Oliver was pacing in front of me watching the door to the house guarding me. Later that night, after I had informed my mom what happened, he came into my room and said he was sorry.  While shrugging, he just said "We were exchanging words and it got heated". I had nothing to say on the matter.  I couldn't tell him it was alright, or anything like that, because it wasn't.  His actions are constantly in line with that behavior, and only escalating.  Not only that, but what he had said just showed that he wasn't even aware of what had...

 Normally every Thursday I have a call with Pyre.  We catch up, and be silly, and use that time to make sure we still have contact with others.  The day of the week has changed over time, but we manage to make it happen even though we take breaks once in a while. I messaged her one week, to make sure we were still good for our video date, and she says she's at Kitty's place for the weekend.  I ask a legitimate question, knowing about some things, and she mentions it being a birthday party for Kitty, and lots of people showing up.  We talked about some manner of things that might be difficult, and that was about it. But then I realized how many times Scar could have said, when she was here two days prior, that something was happening.  She skirted around it every time, some more awkwardly than others. And, it's not that I'm upset over not being invited.  I wouldn't ever expect to be invited to the party of someone I've dumped, especially recently. ...

 I've seen more than a few times lately, the pressure society puts on others to get married.  That because two people have signed a paper, their relationship is more successful, or real than those who haven't.  How it's an expected step, and otherwise there's some amount of fear of commitment, or people just being insecure and cowardly. Now, I've spoken about how I dislike the pressure to ride the relationship and life escalators.  How it's ridiculous to expect the exact same timeline out of every human, and for them all to want the same things. However, the idea that marriage is the only thing that makes a relationship successful, and instantly makes a couple more valid than those who aren't is abhorrent.   I know so many people who got married due to pressure from one side, and then wound up being toxic or abusive.  People who did what they thought they were supposed to do because everyone was asking when they would, only to realize they were miserab...

 I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have a new student, and how they've also started selling some of the things I make.  Well, after many weeks of trying to organize and get past other things, she was able to come and visit for a bit.   Overall it was a quiet visit, but good to see her.  We talked about some plans for the future, started working on something that will hopefully sell off a good amount of the things I've already made, and had a decent class in person that let me point out where she is making progress. There's a lot of ambition in what we're doing, and hopefully we get to it all.  In the meantime though, because I wanted to get so many things done because I felt like I was falling behind, I now feel like I don't have enough.  I feel like a failure because I'm not juggling twenty thousand things, even though this week is packed with the end of the school year for Squishy. I'm hoping to find balance this summer.  To have just enough ha...

 For a while, I was trying to keep up with a side instagram.  I was posting there regularly, and it started gaining traction in some ways.  Apparently enough so that people started sending me messages.  Wound up proving to me why I need to keep everything in my life just a little separate, because people who aren't worth it definitely won't do the work. Randomly, a guy started sending me dms, and it was quite obvious that he was trying to pick me up.  I tried to steer the conversation to keep it professional and polite, while making sure to still be honest how I could.  After a few exchanges, I mentioned having a partner, and never got a response.  Completely ghosted with a single word. And while I wanted him to go away, because he was trying to pick me up without knowing anything about me, it pissed me off that he behaved that way. As soon as I had a partner, I didn't exist.  I wasn't worth anything, and he couldn't even apologize for trying to p...