A New Devious Chapter

With Valentine's coming up soon, I'm finding collections of fancy lingerie all over the internet.  While I think it's silly, I do sometimes check them just out of curiosity for society is pushing as necessary and attractive. And, I don't like any of them. Once in a while I see a cute bra, but all in all, I don't really like any of them.  It's all very feminine and shaped for super thin people with giant tits and little natural curves.  It also all looks like it's uncomfortable, and would feel awkward. So, I looked up men's lingerie. In the beginning of course I saw silly elephant thongs, and weird suspender undies.  After just a little scrolling though, I found some really fantastic stuff.  Pieces that were cotton, but with cute cut-outs, or big supportive garters.  Mostly short cuts, which seemed less confusing to put on, and more comfortable to wear, without the risk of them all being devoured by my butt. If it weren't for the pouch on th

With everything going on, Lux and I have been talking about safety at events.  How we both agree that we don't feel safe at any kink event right now. Even he, as a very large top isn't safe.  And not only could he be targeted to have his consent violated, but have someone spread lies for whatever reason, and attack him in that way. And he is in a situation where because he is a big tall menfolk, and being kinda black, he can't do much to fight back. I mentioned that usually at events we tend to keep an eye on each other, and that's probably our safest option.  Because if someone tries something with me, and I can't get myself out of it, I know he'll be able to help. And if he's in a situation where he needs help, I have no problem stepping in and raising hell to whatever level he needs.  Where they can try to claim something about his size or being domly or whatever, they can't use that on me. Luckily, he appreciates the fact that I will pull

Welp, the east coast is exploding.  We have tons of people coming out of the woodwork, talking about tons of consent violations, and abusive behaviors, and how horrible every top ever is. But not about anyone fighting back. Just that some person was being bad, and without correction, they continued to be bad, and they're bad, and I don't want to talk to them. The problem with this, is that if you point it out, you get viewed many times as the villain.  You're victim blaming, and encouraging the abuser. Except, here's the thing.  This is everyone's responsibility. I've dealt with abuse for as long as I can remember.  I have memories of emotional abuse as far back as my daughter's age.  And I've been fighting to be treated as a person for that long. While I was with the gnome, having had no example of a healthy relationship, I took a lot more than I should have without speaking up.  I will fully admit that I encouraged those behaviors at that t

Last year my social life took a hard dive.  It absolutely caused part of crash in my mental state, and why I felt like I haven't even had fumes to run on for almost a year now for the most part. Such is the downside of being an extrovert. This year, I want to spend more time with lots of people.  I want to get them together for movies.  I want to bring people around and do lots of cooking, and gaming and casual things. I want to help create a space, no matter where we all are, where people can decompress and enjoy what's going on. I need to find opportunities for this more often. Sometimes, my being service oriented can't be denied in the slightest.

This week is made of a ton of birthdays, and marks the end of the holidays for us.  My brother, father, and Squishy all have birthdays this week, which makes for quite a busy week between dinners and celebrating. And from here, we actually slow things down for quite a while.  Most people finished their holidays weeks ago.  Not for us. However, this means I have more time and chances to spend time with friends, and make fun social plans, which is good to help my still horrible mental place.  This is how we get better.  Find the good in the now, and work toward things improving even more.

Lux the other day started joking that he wanted a harem of anime waifu.  I thought about how all harem anime tend to go, and pointed out a lot of problems.  And upon this, noticed how unhealthy of an example of poly most harem anime is. There's unhealthy amounts of competition, everyone fighting for attention, where the center of the harem is too oblivious generally to try and balance them all.  There is also usually either pressure from inside the group, or even an external force trying to make the protagonist choose one romantic interest. It both creates an idea of fantasy, as well as the pressures of our monogamist culture. While yes, I will continue to giggle at harem tropes, but appreciate healthy poly practices in real life.

Long before I was born, my older brother was attacked by a dog.  In an attempt to keep him from being afraid of dogs, my parents decided they needed to get one.  Back then, ads in the paper were still safe, and they found a "free to good home" which they responded to.  The owners had to move to a small apartment, and didn't have space for him. Well, no apartment would have been large enough for this dog, as he was a husky/malamute mix, and basically a big fluffy lion.  We found out the old owners were trainers, and when he saw my brother, licked him from feet to head, and walked over and sat at the door.  His name was Max, and he had picked us. We had him for a long time, through a move, and the first few years of my life.  He died of old age, and it broke all our hearts.  My parents couldn't stand having another dog, so we went without for a long time. Years later, my brother went through a bad break up, with a girl cheating on him and leaving without tell

I fell off my workout habit a lot over the holidays.  Being busy for everything going on made me start having excuses, and on the few weeks that I got good amounts of time in, holy shit I learned the difference it makes. It affects everything for me. My mental state, my body image, how I feel physically, it changes everything. So this last week, even with the snow and everyone being home, and everything going on, I've forced myself to get in at least a half hour.  No excuses, and making sure I build the habit back up. And I feel a world better.  I still feel very drained and in a shitty place, but nowhere near where I was last week, and noticing that I feel way better about the curves of my figure, and seeing how much and how quickly they change. I still need to see more people, and actually get some time to recharge, but this is a step in the right direction. And today we go see a pup that might just be coming home with us soon.  More on that later though.

It's another new year, and a good thing for it.  The last year has been hard for me, in a lot of ways.  I didn't do a lot of what I had wanted to, and it took my mental state which was already poor, and made it even worse. So this year, I want to focus on a lot of the things that make me happy. Learn to make things I enjoy that I don't have recipes for yet. Finish the coloring books I wanted to publish last year, and figure out a way to show more of my art to the world. Dance more, both publicly and in spare time. Spend time with the people I care about. Adventure more Find a way to feel healthy again, both physically and mentally We're also currently looking for a dog, which has me very excited.  I'm being very stern with myself to keep to the things we need out of it, while looking for the pup that chooses us as its family. I want this year to go well, and I want it to be far more positive.

Unsurprisingly, while Lux was streaming the other day, I was sending fun little things to him and our friends. At one point, in the middle of the raid they were on, while dying a few times, I sent a snarky thing to Lux.  When he found it, he made sure to tell everyone he was playing with, obviously just seeing it as our normal routine of behaviors, and treating it that way. Not having as much knowledge of us together, one of them comments "Is there some way you can punish and correct that behavior?  I'm sure between all of us, we could help bounce ideas and figure something out." Lux is quiet, as everyone giggles over both my comment, and in agreement of the correction. Meanwhile, far away from any microphones, I am laughing so hard my face hurts.  Something they'd probably all see as defiantly bratty, confident in the fact that people don't stop me from being me, and that includes my snarky troublemaking behavior. It was a small moment that act

Sometimes, Lux streams himself playing video games with his friends.  I get to giggle at silly things, sometimes help, and enjoy seeing and hearing from people. He always tells them, just in case someone pops onto the stream that we don't know, so they can censor any personal stuff.  Usually though, I'm the only one watching, and he tells them.  And in the cloud of folks saying hi, if there is someone new, I will hear a "What's a [Loki]?" And, last time, one of our friends just said "It's complicated" Lux was quick to correct him, but rather than letting Lux get to explaining, or simply asking for a title we use, said that. But, it's really only complicated if you only want to use titles that wouldn't apply.  There are many things that would work at this point and be perfectly acceptable. Long term partner Primary partner Submissive Best Friend All things that would work, but just don't hold stereotypical romantic relations

In the week of everything blowing up, my mom got a call from her brother for Channukah.  They caught up for a bit, and during that talk, he told her that he'd volunteered our house for a birthday party in April for both him and his twin brother.  Y'know, the physically abusive one, that I'd been promised I would never see again. You'd think given the promises made to me, and wanting to actually protect your own kid, my mom would have told him that my one uncle isn't welcome. You'd think. When I was told this, I brought that up.  My mother's response was simply "Well they decided." So, because they volunteered our house, and us to throw them a party, it doesn't matter that they're abusive apparently. I told her that I would find a way to be absent as soon as I found out the dates. She threw a huff, and said that Squishy was staying so she could see the one decent uncle. Except, I spoke to Squishy, and she repeated

I'm not sure if I've mentioned my pseudo nephew here, but know I've mentioned his parents.  His father was my brother's best friend literally since I was born, and his girlfriend has been around for over a decade. Their son, Red, is a couple years younger than Squishy, only being in first grade where she is in third. And, in the just over a year he's been in school, he's assaulted at least four kids.  Not just a small shove either.  The last one he smashed another kid's head into a bench. He's continually attacked Squishy, and destroyed her things, lying to us repeatedly about it afterward when we'd either seen it happen or his reasoning were things we knew couldn't happen. Some of their friends no longer allow their kids near him, because he attacks them so often. And you know what her response is? "Well, he's just a boy.  He's just like his dad.  He isn't violent at all." Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

With everything going on lately, I'm reminded of how careful we all need to be.  That no matter what side of what we're doing, there's a risk with every person we involve. And while there is a little more to worry about as a bottom, since it adds in the physical risk, so many things are shared. Both parties need to be responsive in the moment.  They need to be honest, and receptive, and unafraid to speak up at any point.  Limits need to be respected for everyone, and any aftercare necessary needs to happen, with both parties responsible for it. What's also important though, is honesty and clarity afterward.  I find that many bottoms want to look tough in the moment, and then cry out after.  The problem with this is that you never know which one is the truth. I'm reminded of the time someone accused Lux of beating them beyond their limit and walking away.  An accusation made of an event I was in the room for, which was an absolute lie, to the point where we b

This last week has been a whirlwind for people in my life, and it has me worrying about so many. Zero discovered that the girl I expressed to him my dislike was manipulating him, taking his money, and using him to feed her drug addiction. Kitty is stretched beyond his spoons, making excuses, and feeling battered in his own home. I have friends being attacked on all sides, in life changing ways, over what was likely some dumb mistakes being taken far out of proportion. Lux is still dealing with family insanity. And all I want to do is have physical presence for all of them.  Be with them, hold a calm environment, and help however I can.  Talk things out to death, reassure them, provide comfort and support, and remind them all that sometimes they're dumb boys with good intentions that simply want to see the best in people.  They're good boys, but there's too much crazy elsewhere in the world for them to keep their intentions sometimes.

Kitty and I have a very long-standing relationship, even if it's taken many forms throughout the years.  Changing needs, and spoons, and lives and events which have made us become who we are, both separately and together. And, unfortunately, it's caused me to become even more of his voice of reason and calm than I have been for a long time.  Constantly reminding him that he needs to worry about and take care of him.  What's more though, reminding him that he can express things to me, always, and will never be without my care and presence.   He's been rather poor at keeping present lately.  Just not enough time and energy to put toward anything.  It sucks, I'll fully admit, but it happens.  He's aware of it though, and does want that to change.  What's worse though, is that because of this, he doesn't think he deserves any sort of presence during this time.  That he's only kept around because his lack of presence makes them feel like a better p

Years ago, I was talking to Squishy about friends of mine, and how they married, and both female.  She questioned it for a second, and when I simply said that people can marry whoever they choose to, and for whatever reason, she accepted it without any question. I remember her friends coming over, and not believing her when she would say it.  Saying that it couldn't possibly be true, while my daughter just simply agreed that people should be able to love and marry whoever they choose. Sure, it's a good thing, and speaks volumes for how we often hold the beliefs we are told to have early in life, but that isn't what this is about. This is about something a lot funnier. I'm talking with Squishy the other day, and mentioned a friend of mine, and then that turned into her asking if I had a boyfriend, and then asking if I had a secret boyfriend, and then asking if I had a girlfriend. And upon that, instead of the "No" I gave the other two, I said "Na

Lux just left from a visit.  The first time he's been here since the clusterfuck that happened a couple months ago.  While it wasn't the weekend we had planned, due to timetables changing, it was still good time for us. Rather than focus on a lot of the goings on, we just kept it to time together, talking about the future, and things we want to do, and normal conversation.  Definitely something that felt more like recharging and simply enjoying, rather than needing to go through the process of catching up or obligation.  Lots of affection and appreciation and just being thankful for the other. He also liked the present I made him, which was super nerdy and only he and his super nerdy friends will get. The next while is going to be really difficult to find time to actually be with each other, and while that does suck a lot, and I already miss him, we'll manage through this like everything else. For now, we just enjoy what we have.

Something crazy has happened.  Something unheard of for this time of year. For a couple of days, I'm caught up on everything.  As in, there's no holiday prep to do right now, no schlepping to manage, and no gifts to make.  I started early, and so I'm caught up on just about all of it. It's a strange feeling to be sure, and almost makes me more anxious that I don't have a thousand things to do at every moment. It also makes me crave time with people even more though.  Not knowing when I'll see them again, and now having space when I'm not running, and could be getting in quality time recharging with them.  It makes me feel like a big awkward jumble, and almost impatient to get moving again just so I don't have to miss them so much. This time of year is such a strange thing for my mind.

I read a lot of things about poly, and hear a lot of arguments for it that give the reasoning of one person not being able to be everything a person needs.  That they need another person to fill in the gaps, and this should just be considered normal. Except, I feel like that cultivates a negative space.  It means telling someone they aren't enough every day.  It encourages a competitive environment in hopes that you'll become the more tended to partner by being more appealing than the other.  It creates a space where we look at things as needs, which may just be surface desires.  And it makes us look at people more as a checklist than as people. I have the same needs for every partner I have, regardless of their space in my life.  Those needs are things like presence, acceptance of who I am, respect, and conversation.  They are all pretty basic, and that's because I need that to be fulfilled more than most other things.  There's never a gap to fill, and I think th