A New Devious Chapter

On top of feeling better mentally, I've been able to keep up with a lot of things right now. I've finished reading most of my pile of books, and need to invade a book store to pick up a new pile.  Finishing books always makes me feel good. I've finished drawing both a smaller coloring book, as well as drawing and publishing the Pennsic one.  I'm so ahead that I'm actually able to take a couple weeks off of drawing to do lots of cleaning and digging out of my closets and such. A couple of other small projects have gotten made, which made some friends happy. Finally, I got around to opening a kofi page, which I've been posting to somewhat regularly. With everything going on lately, I actually picked up a planner to try keep track of everything I have happening and what I'm constantly doing. Halloween is exploding in the house, and there's a ton to balance. There's going to be a lot to do in the coming weeks, especially with everything pla

We're coming into the busiest time of year, so I figured this week would make a good time for a check in for everything as a whole. Right now, I'm still feeling productive.  It's keeping me upbeat, and motivated.  Things at home are... About what can be expected, which is frustrating, but I'm aware enough to not let it really affect me deeply anymore. I've been a lot more social lately, and I'm trying to balance that with everything else going on.  However, it's helping me feel a lot better mentally, and less drained than I was earlier this year. On the downside though, I'm craving contact. I want snuggles, and hugs and affection well more than any social time right now.  Luckily, Lux is visiting soon, so I'll get that. Everything considered, I'm not doing too bad right now in my brainspace.  Still not where I want to be, and still a ton of things to worry about and do, but I've gone through a world of improvement from the beginning

I will fully admit, that there are some things out there that will make someone completely incompatible for me.  They won't stop me from being friends with a person, but I know myself enough to know that certain traits will kill any chance of attraction happening. Lux and I have a lot of friends in the rope scene, and it's often an awkward thing for him, because he will start to talk to people, and develop some amount of interest, but as soon as he says he doesn't tie, they immediately distance themselves from him for any sort of play or anything.  Despite the fact that they might also be masochists, or enjoy power exchange, or any number of other things, because he doesn't enjoy rope topping, they won't give him the time of day in regards to any play. I've dealt with similar things in a few cases, but not nearly as much as him. A friend of ours, who has voiced having no attraction towards Lux met a boy while at camp recently.  Despite making countless pro

I spent some time curious. Seeing what other people are writing about when it comes to a few of the things I want to teach.  Taking ideas to help adapt classes, and build them in a more accessible way. Except, a lot of what I saw on similar subjects were near the complete opposite. Things like how to speak to dominants in a pleasing way. How not to get angry with a dom. How to ask for things without annoying a dom. Just a pile of things that slowly made me frustrated. All of these things muddle communication.  They dismiss emotions, and create an assumptive and unhealthy scale for a relationship.  They felt like my dynamic with Thrax, where I had to say what he wanted regardless of how I felt.  That my frustration with his lies and bringing them up was wrong.  That my constantly asking for what I needed, or things he promised should have just been ignored. Even if it isn't straight abuse, it doesn't help encourage any sort of healthy communication and strength.

I've been reading a lot of things lately about why people stay in abusive relationships, and how they wind up in them and such. All people who have their own reasons, and stories about things. It brought to mind that both of my siblings, as well as myself, have had abusive partners.  My brother is with one still, and my sister only isn't with one now because her current partner is completely dependent on her (I know those are not mutually exclusive, but he is legitimately afraid he would not survive without her care). And it gives me that absolute definitive proof that we grew up in an abusive situation.  We were raised that emotional abuse was normal.  That it was an aspect of love.  That just because my parents stayed together and were abusive toward each other, they would be abusive toward us and it was fine. They just assumed it was how things worked, and it's why they are nearing 40, and still in unhealthy relationships.  I fought from my daughter's age to

I don't play with a lot of people. I have no problem with meeting people, and making friends, but I don't do a lot of pick up play. And even more than that, I encourage vanilla time with kinky friends.  Long conversations about silly things, baking, and lots of fun mundane things. I like the process of becoming friends.  I like learning about people, and having quality time.  When I meet new people, getting to have the time to build a real connection with them is my favorite. Unfortunately, I find that a lot of people don't stick around for things like that.  If they don't get the time to play, they leave, and honestly, I'm ok with that.  I don't wait a long time, but I do give people a bit of time for me to actually get to know them.  I want to learn that they actually have interest in me and not just the idea of play. I want to learn what we can do after. I want to know what to expect from you the rest of the time. Honestly, I would

I feel like for a long time now, we've tried to fight against the idea of "industry standard" appearance. Various body shapes, without some cookie cutter size and expectation of beauty. We encourage instances of magazine and marketing spreads that aren't touched up and altered digitally. And yet, when it comes to our personal social medias, and building an audience on them, we are making it easier and easier to alter our appearance.  There are tons of apps which can change the shapes of our faces, or our bodies, or completely change the appearance of a photo.  It's become a tool that everyone uses, and it's become the new normal. Hell, I've seen beauty youtubers make tutorials about how they use facetune.  Most new phones actually come with a "beauty filter" as the default setting to the front facing camera. The average person now has simply accepted the tools to change appearance, and still claims that mass media photoshopping is wrong