While I was riding on those fumes after getting the news about Felix, I was grasping just to get through the day. I went to shower before getting ready for bed, and while there, standing under the water with nothing other than my own thoughts, my brain went spinning. And for some reason, it decided to focus on why out of everything else, I'm not really into a lot of verbal degradation.
It wasn't hard for me to figure out. I get verbally and emotionally abused almost every day, by people who are supposed to care about me. For as long as I can remember, and even in front of my child, I've been called everything in the book, over and again, without the option to say anything in return.
I remember when I first explained how I'm treated to Kitty, and he looked at me while he was only 22 or so, and said that he was amazed I wasn't an addict. That I wasn't taking drugs to try and get through the day with what they put me through. And then top that off with years with the gnome and Thrax, and even most days up to today.
And yes, they're infuriating. Being told you're too stupid to have a conversation with by people who will throw a tantrum like a child if they have to move something in a cabinet to look around it. Being told you look like a whore in front of your child who mimics if you wear anything not oversized. Listening every time your child voices an opinion that they don't agree with that she's turning into a bitch like her mother. Every single action is met with abuse, no matter what the action is.
So yes, it's angering, and yes, it does get to me, but more often than not, I just feel numb to it. I have to put it all aside after a moment, and just keep going. Because whenever I have shown a response to it, I'd be abused for that too.
There's no secret fetish for it that formed over time under controlled circumstances. No urge to experiment with taking it back. Just being numb. Because I have to be. Because if it didn't feel numb, I know I wouldn't survive.
It wasn't hard for me to figure out. I get verbally and emotionally abused almost every day, by people who are supposed to care about me. For as long as I can remember, and even in front of my child, I've been called everything in the book, over and again, without the option to say anything in return.
I remember when I first explained how I'm treated to Kitty, and he looked at me while he was only 22 or so, and said that he was amazed I wasn't an addict. That I wasn't taking drugs to try and get through the day with what they put me through. And then top that off with years with the gnome and Thrax, and even most days up to today.
And yes, they're infuriating. Being told you're too stupid to have a conversation with by people who will throw a tantrum like a child if they have to move something in a cabinet to look around it. Being told you look like a whore in front of your child who mimics if you wear anything not oversized. Listening every time your child voices an opinion that they don't agree with that she's turning into a bitch like her mother. Every single action is met with abuse, no matter what the action is.
So yes, it's angering, and yes, it does get to me, but more often than not, I just feel numb to it. I have to put it all aside after a moment, and just keep going. Because whenever I have shown a response to it, I'd be abused for that too.
There's no secret fetish for it that formed over time under controlled circumstances. No urge to experiment with taking it back. Just being numb. Because I have to be. Because if it didn't feel numb, I know I wouldn't survive.
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