A New Devious Chapter

I started this lockdown ready to work out, and clean, and do a ton of things.  Even with Squishy being home, I was determined to do as much as I could, and be productive, while also having a kid home, and everyone else. And the first couple of weeks went pretty well.  I was doing solid exercise, did a deep clean on my room, and was a machine with drawing.  I felt like I could maintain it, and wasn't pushing too hard. Then around the third week, I just wasn't feeling it.  And I know part of it was because I was drained from no social contact.  I let physical activity slip, I was feeling burnt with art, and a ton of other things. The following weeks I've been trying to do lots of different things.  Make sure I have extra projects, do little bits of cleaning, and taking breaks from drawing.  I've started playing more video games, and even for just a couple of hours a day, it's helpful.  It's a small thing that helps me do something just for m...

A week or so ago, a group chat was made up to throw the idea out there of a game night with all of the fire team at camp.  We spent time connecting a bit, and all realized that in the lockdown, we've heard from each other more than we would have if things were normal.  We were all happy to have that supportive desire for connection and time. We picked a day, and I noticed an overlap with another friend who had a social thing happening.  However, this had many people, including partners that actively wanted to add me to their time.  As the week went on, I wound up setting up social time with a few more things, and was looking forward to all of it.  It just took six weeks for the extrovert to figure out how to be social in an apocalypse.  And then Friday night came, and Squishy had a little spa night.  Somehow, she went from being out of extra bath things, and fancy face masks, to having a surplus because Dansa sent her a ton by surprise.  At ...

The other day, I got caught in a bit of a thought loop, that I'm still not quite able to get myself out of. What is the most accurate way for me to describe my sexual orientation? For years, I always just said I was straight.  Saying that I was female bodied, and attracted to male bodied people.  And that was fine for a long time, but even though my attraction hasn't changed, the reasoning may have.   Using that phrasing sounds trans-exclusionary, both for others, and myself.  It starts to sound like I would only be attracted to cis-men, and while I haven't met a transperson I have been sexually attracted to, it isn't off the table.  Likewise, from a societal perspective, it starts to invalidate my own gender, and creates the assumption that I am a ciswoman, which isn't true either. Were a gun pressed to my head, and forced to choose in the binary, I would say I'm a binary trans man every day.  That's not the most accurate thing for me e...

The last couple of weeks have been a bit on the easier side, as we're all starting to learn how to cope and function in this lockdown situation.  There's still stress and things to deal with, but things are adjusting with time. Except my brain is apparently making sure to tell me about all the things that I do need, or are picking at me right now. This is something that stands out because normally, I don't dream.  Or at least I don't remember them.  There's only one or two times a year that I recall a dream when I wake up. I've had four in the last week or so. All very clearly telling me where things are actually at.  The first one involved someone I don't actually know, and I don't think it mattered that day.  However, I remember him hugging me despite the contact restriction.  I remember my surprise, then sneaking off to talk, and walking around holding hands.  And that feeling in my mind of just fingers entwined brought me so much peace in...

With us about a month into isolation, and not sure when it will end, I'm definitely feeling the effects.  So, I decided to think about all the things I want to do once it's safe to make plans and be with others again. I am going to koala on my partners so hard.  Full Master Blaster backpack koala. I want to finally run a game of Dread. Whatever local dumpy restaurants survive this, I want to try with people. Even if it's in my own yard, I want to have a fire, and share cigars and whiskey with friends. This will be the year I invite people over and finally watch the Matrix.  Because I'm the only person who hasn't seen any of them. On that note, I'm going to show Lux all the Jersey movies.  Half of them take place about two towns away from where he grew up. I want so much play time.  I don't care how intense, but I need that connection now more than ever. Play should also happen with friends too.  Not just the people I've done things with before...

I had a rather odd moment a while ago.  One of those times when a random thing changes how you've felt, and makes different things seem important. While going through instagram a week or so ago, I saw a picture of youtuber I watch with his partner.  It was from when they first got together, and I noticed two things.  First, I remembered that they've been together about as long as Lux and I.  I also noticed how different they both looked from that many years ago.  Faces maturing and changing, bodies in different shape, and expressions even didn't carry the same as now. And as I looked at it, and thought about those two things, I realized that I didn't really have that with my partners.  In fact, for the longest time, I hated the idea of taking pictures with my partners.  Hated the couples who slathered their social medias with smoochie photos and so many pictures that they likely didn't even remember the events.  I had partners be angry about m...

Over the first few weeks of isolation, I noticed myself heavily craving power exchange.  Specifically, for someone else to show more dominance. And, it made sense.  Things were difficult, and out of control.  There was a flurry of chaos in everything as we figured out how to make this isolation, and I tried to process having people taken from me for an unknown amount of time.  I was in a bad place, and while I've adjusted to the change, and started to find a new normal, that need is still there. It made sense because even when everything is madness, I find that active exchange of power to be centering.  Not only the affirmation of having someone want to have control of me in that way, but getting to feel small and taken care of.  As much as I have no problem making decisions, and seeming bigger despite how tiny I am, it's good to not put that aside, but be submissive as well. Maybe soon we'll find a way to have that peace of mind together, and ge...

A while ago, I mentioned having a shock to my system of realizing how I viewed my body, and making changes to how I would go about things. Part of that in this particular case meant wearing different bras.  Specifically, wearing less structured bras.  I panicked mentally that I would look like an eight year old boy every day for the first couple of weeks, even though Squishy told me that it actually looked better than my normal bras. I was determined to not give up though, and have now gone over a month without wearing the super structured, and heavily shaped ones that I was previously.  I realized a few days ago, that mentally I've adjusted to the difference in how things look. I don't worry about looking completely flat anymore, and have actually started to like the more natural, less spherical shape that my other bras would provide.  I don't feel like there's a sudden visual shock when I remove my bra, which probably contributed to why I felt so flat before....

Last week, Zero checked in to see how I was doing with the lockdown.  We caught up a bit, made sure we were both ok, and then he asked if I had any free time for artwork.  Being between projects, I told him that I could potentially take something else on.  There were no other details yet. He then said that the deadline would ideally be a week later, but could be something for next year, because it was for his friend's birthday. And proceeded to tell me he wanted a full deck of many things from D&D, with all JoJo's Bizarre Adventure art.  That's 25 fully drawn and colored custom pieces of fanart, to a specific size, that would then need to be printed on a one off service. He just talked about it like it was a casual request.  Like I would be happy to put aside anywhere from 100-200 hours for something that would be a birthday present for someone else, like asking someone to pick up milk when they visit. You know what would have made me less angry abou...