The last couple of weeks have been a bit on the easier side, as we're all starting to learn how to cope and function in this lockdown situation. There's still stress and things to deal with, but things are adjusting with time.
Except my brain is apparently making sure to tell me about all the things that I do need, or are picking at me right now.
This is something that stands out because normally, I don't dream. Or at least I don't remember them. There's only one or two times a year that I recall a dream when I wake up.
I've had four in the last week or so.
All very clearly telling me where things are actually at.
The first one involved someone I don't actually know, and I don't think it mattered that day. However, I remember him hugging me despite the contact restriction. I remember my surprise, then sneaking off to talk, and walking around holding hands. And that feeling in my mind of just fingers entwined brought me so much peace in that dream. It ended with someone appearing, and jumping in to tell us that there couldn't be touch, and feeling like we had to hide that peace there was. It was rather obviously showing me my touch starvation, and how I needed someone to show that they wanted that contact with me.
The next night was more specific. I was somewhere with Kitty, and a myriad of other random people. Continually, I was just trying to find time alone with him, and he would run off to do something else, or put an obstacle in the way. To dismiss the thing I was trying for, while those random people kept jumping in asking me to prove my connection to him, or trying to stop me from being around him. Again, showing me my touch starvation, and how much I needed closeness and connection.
Things were quiet for a few days.
A few days ago, after many many examples of how poorly my mom is handling this, I saw that a blood vessel had actually burst in her eye. That night I had a dream where I was at some sort of party with her and Squishy. I left the main hall to see where Squishy was, and found some small room with all the kids, and stayed there for conversation. I left eventually, to find that the party was over, and my mom was completely drunk (she is diabetic, and cannot drink). She had no interest in finding me over the course of the party, including when the dinner was supposed to be. I mentioned that they never brought promised food to the kids, and no one showed any concern. It ended with people not caring that things weren't actually taken care of. Very clearly this one showed how my family shows no concern for anything other than how they feel in the moment. Complete disregard for others, or the things they should do for their own safety. This one felt familiar, because it's how I'm often treated.
Just the night after that, being at what was supposed to be a friend's home, in some sort of extra building. This building housed students, but we were in the only private room. Lux was supposed to be there, as was Squishy. I was trying to manage keeping Squishy focused on school, but quiet for when Lux would need to come in and have a work meeting. Lux showed up for a moment, didn't say a word, and left after a meeting. In order to allow Squishy to work more comfortably, I left the room to find her another safe empty space. I couldn't find a single one, nor could I find Lux. It was so crowded that I felt stuck in the middle of this library I had been looking around, and had to fight my way through to get back to my room. This one was hard. I felt alone, and like I had been abandoned, but still having to fight and function in order to care for others. Trying to do whatever I could to make everyone feel safe and happy, but nothing was working.
There haven't been any since then, but damn. While I'm making sure things get done, my mind is apparently in the ringer.
Except my brain is apparently making sure to tell me about all the things that I do need, or are picking at me right now.
This is something that stands out because normally, I don't dream. Or at least I don't remember them. There's only one or two times a year that I recall a dream when I wake up.
I've had four in the last week or so.
All very clearly telling me where things are actually at.
The first one involved someone I don't actually know, and I don't think it mattered that day. However, I remember him hugging me despite the contact restriction. I remember my surprise, then sneaking off to talk, and walking around holding hands. And that feeling in my mind of just fingers entwined brought me so much peace in that dream. It ended with someone appearing, and jumping in to tell us that there couldn't be touch, and feeling like we had to hide that peace there was. It was rather obviously showing me my touch starvation, and how I needed someone to show that they wanted that contact with me.
The next night was more specific. I was somewhere with Kitty, and a myriad of other random people. Continually, I was just trying to find time alone with him, and he would run off to do something else, or put an obstacle in the way. To dismiss the thing I was trying for, while those random people kept jumping in asking me to prove my connection to him, or trying to stop me from being around him. Again, showing me my touch starvation, and how much I needed closeness and connection.
Things were quiet for a few days.
A few days ago, after many many examples of how poorly my mom is handling this, I saw that a blood vessel had actually burst in her eye. That night I had a dream where I was at some sort of party with her and Squishy. I left the main hall to see where Squishy was, and found some small room with all the kids, and stayed there for conversation. I left eventually, to find that the party was over, and my mom was completely drunk (she is diabetic, and cannot drink). She had no interest in finding me over the course of the party, including when the dinner was supposed to be. I mentioned that they never brought promised food to the kids, and no one showed any concern. It ended with people not caring that things weren't actually taken care of. Very clearly this one showed how my family shows no concern for anything other than how they feel in the moment. Complete disregard for others, or the things they should do for their own safety. This one felt familiar, because it's how I'm often treated.
Just the night after that, being at what was supposed to be a friend's home, in some sort of extra building. This building housed students, but we were in the only private room. Lux was supposed to be there, as was Squishy. I was trying to manage keeping Squishy focused on school, but quiet for when Lux would need to come in and have a work meeting. Lux showed up for a moment, didn't say a word, and left after a meeting. In order to allow Squishy to work more comfortably, I left the room to find her another safe empty space. I couldn't find a single one, nor could I find Lux. It was so crowded that I felt stuck in the middle of this library I had been looking around, and had to fight my way through to get back to my room. This one was hard. I felt alone, and like I had been abandoned, but still having to fight and function in order to care for others. Trying to do whatever I could to make everyone feel safe and happy, but nothing was working.
There haven't been any since then, but damn. While I'm making sure things get done, my mind is apparently in the ringer.
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