A New Devious Chapter

 The pandemic has been going on long enough that there are many times when I need to remind my parents that when the holidays come soon, we can't have a ton of people here.  That no matter how long we've been doing this, it is both irresponsible, immoral, and illegal to have the house packed with people we would normally have. I hear Lux talking about how when it's all over, he wants to meet with friends for orgies, and play with everyone. And here I am, going longer and longer through all of this, and only meeting with friends a handful of times since this all started, which includes invasions.  Time away from groups, avoiding events, and minimizing outings altogether.  Things that I normally associate with recharging, and helping me process and face life a bit better. But, I'm not craving them.  I don't want massive holidays.  I don't want to find a ton of new partners.  I don't want to attend events.  As time goes on with this, I find myself ju...

 Weeks ago, I put the idea into Lux's head that he should come for Rosh Hashanah.  That it would be a smaller holiday, and we wouldn't be inviting that many people, and still give him enough notice that he could sort of get his mind ready to go and do something again. And coming up to the holiday, I didn't get much notice from him on it.  No real answer either way about him coming to visit, which I understood, but was still difficult, because I wasn't sure what to do in some cases. He did show up though.  Just for a night rather than a full weekend, but time when we didn't have some running about to do, and could just catch up, be silly, and enjoy time together. It was everything I've wanted since the pandemic started.  No massive event, or elaborate adventure.  Just curled up with each other, with nothing remarkable going on.   I remember waking up in the morning, with his arms around me, and while all the sex we had was certainly beneficial for ...

Over the course of lockdown, you would think that I would be getting reliant on the sex toys I have.  That I would actually have a masturbation habit by now, if only due to lack of opportunity to be with a partner.  Especially with the time this summer, where my touch starvation was being taken care of, and my normal sex drive is back and vocal. However, I've found masturbation less and less appealing.  More often than not, I am finding myself feeling like I would rather go without if I can't be with a partner, because it isn't anywhere near as good anyway. And apparently my body agrees. On the rare occasion that I do decide to do anything, not only is it something I get no real satisfaction from, but it goes pretty much nowhere.  Previously, at least I knew that I just had to use a ridiculous amount of force to make my body respond.  That eventually, I would just overstimulate myself, and make my body react that way. Now, my body is almost completely unresponsi...

 Just when I thought it was done.  I honestly thought I had found all the shitty moments from Thrax, the things burrowed into my brain like land mines.  The ones that no matter how much he tries to tell himself that he did nothing wrong, did lasting damage to my brain.  I thought I'd found so many that I'd found them all. But apparently that wasn't the case.  Underneath all the other things that had been done, was at least one more, undiscovered and covered in dust. Until my last visit with Kitty. And it was small, but when he did it accidentally, and then made more comments not knowing what he'd done, it hit like a truck.  Burst from the dust, and I couldn't do much but lay there and cry for a few minutes.  And while trying to navigate what was happening, also trying to tell myself that I was with Kitty, someone I trusted.  Just like every time it's happened with Lux, that didn't matter, and I just tried to navigate back to a level space. It was ...

 The first week or so after getting back from Kitty's was tough.  A lot of stress, mostly brought on by others, that started physically settling again. But at the same time, I had an amount of ambition.  Things to do, and projects to juggle.  A routine that involved daily and weekly tasks, both to take care of myself, and things happening.  Not just having to hold time before traveling again meant I could put more on myself, and that was centering in a way, and helped me process all of the stress. And here I am, only about two weeks from when that visit ended, and I'm feeling a bit stressed, but much closer to normal. My mind is telling me that I'm doing alright, in it's own weird way. I'm not just craving touch, sex, or pain.  I'm back to wanting power exchange, to take on service, and centering possessiveness.  Something that while would have been welcome, wasn't on my mind for most of the beginning of lockdown, and over summer.  Now that I'm ge...

Squishy restarted school this week.  It's a little rocky at times, but she seems more motivated than last school year, which I hope sticks.  The gnome also registered her for karate classes, and while she was interested in the very very beginning, she's losing steam on that quickly.  However, that I have little problem with, because I'm not fond of the teachers, and the style is incredibly inefficient in the instance of actual self defense. This is however giving me more chance to get back to my own routine.  I'm needing to juggle school for her, taking care of me, and the house, and Oliver, and everything.  We also have Rosh Hashanah soon, and the possibility of future travels for me. It's a lot, and creating some odd stress, but it's good for me in a lot of ways too.  It's helping me keep up with things, and be more motivated. I'm getting a million more things done during the day than last week, and managing to perform self care as well.  And...

While at Kitty's the last time, getting ready for dinner one evening, I threw one of my random lockdown thoughts at Fox and someone else.  And they leaned on the island in the kitchen, looking at me, wondering about how it would work as well. I posted a while back about how I get torn over how to explain my sexuality.  Over only being attracted to men, but how my lack of gender messes with that in how I talk about it, without picking a side within the binary, for myself or others. And of course, the two of them just tried to tell me to use the term "queer" but I've spoken about my dislike of that.  We also then discussed that with "queer" comes the assumption of some level of pansexuality, which doesn't fit for me at all. And so weeks passed, and then on facebook I saw someone mentioning their sexuality, and said they were androsexual, and my brain lit up.  A quick google, and I learned that it was a very clear term that explained an attraction t...

While this wasn't the easy, joyous trip I may have wanted, there was still a lot of good from it.  Time with the people I care about, trying to build and rebuild connection.  Time to be silly, and get things done.  Trying new things, and helping make experiences. And that means that coming home, without the knowledge of when I'll see any of them again, came with some drop.  Which meant a couple of days of feeling like I just couldn't get into routine again.  Didn't want to do the things I knew I should, and forcing myself, only because I knew it would mean I would be swamped if I didn't. Along with that, we're trying to get Squishy ready for school again, and she isn't doing the best with things.  It's creating even more stress and anxiety for me, which compounds with drop.  To top it off, my parents went right back to abusive gaslighting tactics with me, and within 48 hours of being home, threatened to kick me out. I'm trying to get back to ...

The rest of my time down with Kitty was a project.  Pyre is back down with him, sort of.  Lux helped move her back down, which meant getting some time with him, even if it was a short bit of time.  I would have liked to get some more time with him in, but he is digging out of his own life to get things managed, so I'm hoping we get time soon, but wasn't going to push. At the same time, Kitty was trying to deal with Fox leaving for some number of months.  Not just with the emotional aspect, but the mess that was the packing and prep process.  It was a long stressful situation that had Kitty running beyond fumes, and then the days afterward left him very not ok. It was hard, because half of my time there he really didn't have the spoons for me to be there.  It wasn't until the last day or so of my visit that he was prepared to actually have time with me, or contact, or anything.  There was this long period where I wanted nothing more than to help him...